To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

I want them to be professional and ask the necessary questions, I do not want them to apologise for asking as if my situation is somehow inferior to someone with a 2 yr old and the same husband. There is no need to apologise and all it needed was 'yes' and on to the next question.

No bother becca it bears saying twice.

Respect goes both ways.

Insubordinate my ass.

The phrase "I gently and politely explained" is soooo patronising.

Why do people "gently" explain anything - unless imparting bad news?

To "gently" explain a mundane fact sounds like you enjoy looking down on people. Or treating them like children.

If he is that silly Andro he deserves to miss important information!

Andro, if the hospital was trying to get a hold of your husband to make a decision as your next of kin, you honestly think the use of the word partner would lead to the level of confusion where your husband would hang up and some critical decision would be left unmade?

SatinSandals - He's far from silly, but it just wouldn't occur to him that I might be referred to as his partner when all my emergency contact information lists him as my husband.

And terminating a phone call because you (deliberately) "misunderstand" the term partner is quite frankly one of daftest things I've ever heard!

Anyone doing that is one of those people who enjoys being obnoxiously pedantic.

fucking hell I despair at your dh!

Crowler - he has terminated a call from the hospital in the past when I' been rushed into resus, the hospital called my other emergency contact who then called him.

I despair at this thread.

That's just it Crowler. It wouldn't. Not a single vaguely intelligent person would make that mistake. So it leads that Andro's DH must be either really silly or so stupidly pedantic that titles bother more than actually getting potentially vital information. Or Andro is doing her DH is a disservice and he would be able to figure it out.

Some things just are not worth being that picky about.

Ok. Phone call to me "amandaclarke. Your partner has been injured and we need you to make a life and death decision for him"
Me: "sorry. I don't have a pertner, on.y a husband. You must have the wrong number"
Yes. I can see that happening.
FFS!

pertner
Now that isinsubordinate.

The phrase "I gently and politely explained" is soooo patronising

Agreed. And it's kind of relevant to a point I made on another thread to an OP who claimed to have politely explained something, and it's that I would have a bit more patience with either OP if they'd said 'So I told them to fuck off!'

Obviously that's partly in jest, but in this case if the OP had said to the nurse 'Look I'm sorry, but would you mind referring to him as my husband, the term partner makes my teeth itch' I am sure the nurse would have put aside her insubordination (jayzis!) and obeyed (give me strength!),- pace Marriedinwhite-which would have saved a lot of flouncing on the OP's part.

Could I just say MrsC that I hope your operation goes well and that I think your ridiculous overreaction is understandable if you are stressed about it

He terminated a call from the hospital in the past when I'd been rushed into resus. He's a nit picking moron then, andro. Lucky you.

I had a husband, I cannot stand all this PC correctness & partner could mean anything from a business relationship to a sport or dancing companion.
In fact, now I come to think of it, the word partner usually seems to require a "qualifier". Husband or wife do not unless it is an endearment or a number ;-)
Perhaps we should resort to the term "spouse" to avoid any confusion?

What Slutbucket said (at 9:14:32)

Start with 'partner' it's the most diverse, inclusive term. But surely, after a patient expresses a preference, the nurse could respect that preference for the rest of that meeting.

In an ideal world, your preference would be mentioned in your notes - but that's unlikely as NHS workers are so overworked these days.

To quote Slutbucket again:

It's this not listening to people's preferences, not understanding them as a person that leads to systematic neglect in hospitals.

glad I'm not married to Mr Andro! Jesus

Raffles a lot of us on here saying YABU are actually married you know. It's not a bunch of unmarried people refusing to acknowledge the exalted status of the smug marrieds on here! And NOT all married couple want to be referred to differently. Don't presume to speak for us all. Some of us think it is such a non-issue that HCP's should be allowed to get on with what really matters.

Married - also disagree on the idea of how guests in your home should be treated. Surely since you have home-court advantage you can be a bit polite and respectful of the fact that they have a job to do asking difficult questions and cut them a bit of slack. In the small percentage of cases where it is genuinely sensitive then they can focus on dealing with that rather than ridiculous preciousness.

Andro - your husband would be a rude arse to just terminate the conversation without giving the other party any chance to respond. You both sound like uptight charmers. People do have next of kin rights without being married. NoK is not legally defined and most NHS trusts have a policy of asking you to nominate your NoK and there is a NoK card that you can carry similar to a donor card. My aunt was recently treated as NoK in relation to her partner despite him still being married (separated). Only potential issue was pension (but thankfully he pulled through).

Satin - you have two fathers!!! How does that work biologically? Is it like a Mamma Mia situation? Sorry - hope you can take that in the spirit intended - I think I know what you mean.

Andro - anyone can be your next of kin. Marriage does not confer this as a legal right. When my
husband was my partner he was my nok.
www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/next-of-kin/

I am a trained nurse, and when I trained (30 years ago - gulp), we were taught to ask each individual patient how they wished to be addressed, and that was recorded on their admissions forms, and we respected their choice!!. In exactly the same way, the nurse should have respected the OP's choice to have her partner referred to as her husband.

The nurse was being a bit ridiculous - she was talking to the OP, who was not unmarried or part of a same-sex couple, and who expressed a clear desire to have her partner referred to as her husband, and there were no other patients present who might have felt discriminated against.

IMO, nursing is not about rigid rules, because to me, individual patient care requires flexibility, so that the care can fit the patient's needs. In this case, the nurse's rigid adherence to the rules drove away her patient, meaning she might not get the best information to prepare herself for her hospital stay - and nursing research has shown that the better informed a patient is! the less stressed they will be! the less pain relief they will need! and the quicker their recovery will be (the research related specifically to information given to patients pre-operatively, and their post op recovery, but I believe it is more widely applicable).

If you told her you wanted your husband refered to as your husband, then its rude of her not to do that. Its basic manners to ask someone what they want to be called and then use that. Although I don't think she carried on using partner after you pointed it out anyway did she op? She just explained why she had used the word partner in the first place. If you had stayed in the room and she had continued to address you dh as partner, then that would have been rude of her. But I guess you didn't wait to see.

You are being a 'smug married' I'm afraid.