To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

Some posters are being obtuse.
The nurse didn't refuse to use the term husband. She used the term partner, then used it after the op had used the word husband. She didn't then persist with issuing the term partner. Then when the op flounced about the issue, explained why she used the term partner.

Yy to Tondelayo and yes to Littlegreyauditor

For once i agree with married I found the fumbling health professional referring to DH as either 'partner' or birth 'partner' really frustrating. It was also gently explained to me that our baby would, for hospital purposes, have to have my surname on his wristband but this was not a requirement when registering him!!

We are married!

Erm why ever would this matter??? Baffled!

Maybe the OP should start a Change.Org petition lobbying Jeremy Hunt to ensure all NHS use the words 'husband' and 'wife' in a factually accurate manner.

I'm pretty sure that's something he'd support - as well as firing miscreants who use the word 'partner'.

I have been married for 11 years and I am struggling to imagine a situation where it would be important to me that a stranger knows I have a husband.

The HCP, when asked to call him "husband" merely explained why she had previously used the term partner. She did not repeatedly use the term partner after OP had her whinge, she just explained why the term was used. After which, according to the description, OP stormed out.

OP is also at great pains to explain that there are several circumstances in which she finds "partner" totally acceptable, so there was really no need for her to have spat the dummy and gone off in a hissy huff.

It was a ridiculous over reaction, possibly due to the stress of having to discuss medical details, but it was an over reaction and unreasonable.

Ok I just reread the OP. I thought she said the nurse continued to use the word partner, but that's not what it says is it. It says the nurse explained why she said partner and the OP was annoyed by the explanation.

Even if the nurse had I would defend it on the grounds that the nurse has been instructed to do it that way and in any case it would not be a habit and because as someone else pointed out she was likely looking/writing forms which had 'partner' all over them.

I fear to my DH as my husband in RL. And he refers to me as his wife.
He corrects ppl.
I prefer "husband/wife" to "partner" for us. But I think to consider it offensive or to strop out of a health interview over such a non issue is a bit ridiculous.

For some years I have made a policy of ignoring sarcasm. To marriedinwhite's 'what do you think' , I would have politely said 'I think it is the same father, but I don't write medical history with what I think.

It's got nothing to do with agreeing or disagreeing with marriage, it's about acknowledging that not everyone who uses the NHS is heteronormative. If you have to say something than 'partner' is a catch all, husband is not. It shouldn't really have to be explained but as the OP forced an explanation the HCP gave one. After the OP got arsey with her it doesn't appear she said partner again. How many times would one usually say partner/husband during a pre-op meeting. I bet it was less than 4.

No matter how 'gently' you explain that you have a husband, not a partner, it comes across as really snooty, which is a bit of a kick in the teeth for people who aren't allowed the luxury of marrying their partner.

I think this is more a symptom of the fact that we're living in a country where people increasingly are not married when they have babies.

Do you really want NHS staff discussing your marital status or worse yet, searching for/interpreting clues (can't the health visitor just take the time to view the wedding pictures that rest upon the mantle? good grief) so they can tailor their words accordingly, only to inevitably flub it up?

High five Satin

But satin why can't a midwife say "I'll apologise in advance for asking this but it's very important because of the potential risk of rhesus and I have to demonstrate I have asked it in case something goes wrong and I have drawn the wrong assumption". The problem is that all too often the questions come across as "right on" and actually a little insubordinate and I don't think that helps to develop a mutually respectful relationship. I think the matter is also complicated because of making booking appointments in people's homes - there's one things saying something insubordinate to me in a clinical setting - quite another saying it in my home where the hcp happens to be my guest and where I expect my guests to behave respectfully and in accordance with my rules rather than theirs.

Well that would make me feel really bad when I have 2 different fathers!

It makes it sound as if I ought to have one father.

She was asking medical questions, much better to stick to professional and ask them.

Op, do you seriously imagine she gave a shiny shite what your marital status is? You seem to have taken the whole exchange as some sort of deliberate belittlement and disrespect. Why?

Exactly Satin.

As a HCP myself we don't ask questions for our own entertainment, we ask them because the answers are necessary to ensure you get the best outcome.

Sarcasm, flouncing, refusal to reveal meds, second guessing, picking fault with the wording, blatant lies, playing the "you tell me" game - completely bloody unnecessary. Answer the questions you are asked, truthfully. It's really not that difficult.

Anything else just makes our job harder, and our ability to deal with your problem lessens.

You might attend your appointment with all your baggage trailing behind you, but we just want to do our job.

Also "insubordinate"?! Really?! How charming. If only the staff knew there place

Their place. Sorry.

Erm why ever would this matter??? Baffled!

On a practical level:

My husband is my next of kin, with the legal right to make medial decisions on my behalf if I'm not a position to do so - he didn't have that right when he was my partner or even when he was my fiancé.

If my DH answered a phone call and heard something along the line of 'hello Mr Andro, I'm calling with regard to your partner', he would assume the had the wrong person and politely inform them as such. He would then terminate the call...and miss whatever important information the person on the other end of line needed to tell him.

*medical decisions

Insubordinate? INSUBORDINATE???????????????????

Yes indeedy, it's about time these HCPs knew their place.

To have used the word once may be considered unfortunate Married to have used it twice looks like snobbery of the first order.

Sorry Littlegrey you got there first!

That would be a bit silly of him then, wouldn't it Andro? And I doubt anyone would seriously think the caller had the wrong number just because they'd said partner and the recipient of the call was picky about titles. That would be daft to say the least.