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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to call the Man I married my Husband

723 replies

Mrsdavidcaruso · 02/11/2013 08:44

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:
Andro · 02/11/2013 15:08

My husband is my husband, he's not my partner and I would not appreciate him being described as such once my marital status was known. To refuse to use a factually correct title is discriminating against those who are married.

TidyDancer · 02/11/2013 15:13

How sad for you Andro. :( I would hate to be married to someone who wasn't my partner.

Caitlin17 · 02/11/2013 15:14

No it is not discriminating. What nonsense.

I seem to recall the phrase "marriage is a partnership" featuring regularly in church wedding services.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 02/11/2013 15:14

I have just re read the op.
Really, she didn't insist on or persist with calling your DH "DP" did she? Not after you had explained that you didn't want her to. She just explained why she used the term partner.
Are you very anxious about this hospital admission?

Ministrone · 02/11/2013 15:14

The idea of being someone's wife doesn't make me feel ill as I chose to get married to my husband.

PukingCat · 02/11/2013 15:15

Discriminating against those that are married! Grin

(And the nurse didn't refuse to use the title. She explained to the op why the are told to use partner.
Read. The. Fucking. OP)

Ministrone · 02/11/2013 15:22

Curiously enough Ruth Rendell, who is an highly intelligent woman and a Labour peer makes quite a thing of this in her books, for example Chief Inspector Wexford gets quite antsy with one of his colleagues when she refers to his wife as his partner.

SarahBumBarer · 02/11/2013 15:26

Well everyone has their quirks Marshmallo - even intelligent women.

And Wexford is a character and quite curmudgeonly at that - would be boring if all RR's characters were the same with the same view points.

Did Grin at the gender suggestion btw

ouryve · 02/11/2013 15:30

She's probably busy namechanging, SharpLily.

It's a pity you don't see your marriage as a partnership, Andro. If DH and I weren't partners and friends, first and foremost, there no way our marriage would have survived bringing up two disabled boys. It's quite bizarre to think that someone describing us as partners would be discriminating against us as a married couple.

Andro · 02/11/2013 15:32

TidyDancer - We are a partnership, but we are married and as such we are husband and wife not 'partners' (which can mean anything from a business relationship to a civil partnership). I would expect a person who had been informed of my marital status to use the correct title for my husband, just I expect to be addressed/introduced as Dr during formal introductions (at a conference or business function for example) or on official correspondence. Given that there are people who find the effective dismissal of their marital status insulting and offensive, surely it is just basic good manners to use the correct terms when a preference has been indicated (and OP's correction of partner to husband is a clear indication of preference)?

diddl · 02/11/2013 15:33

"If you then switch between partner and husband as you request it then makes it harder for the next person the nurse sees as it is more likely to pop out again so she really does not to switch from one to another."

Bloody hell.

If she's so easily confused, should she be a nurse?

Caitlin17 · 02/11/2013 15:36

Andro why is it such a big deal your marital status is recognised?

SharpLily · 02/11/2013 15:39

Oh dear, Andro is Sir Ben Kingsley!

Andro · 02/11/2013 15:41

Caitlin17 - because I've grown up in an environment where the dismissal of, or refusal to acknowledge a persons marital status, is used as a direct insult.

Stravy · 02/11/2013 15:48

I've just remembered that bit from father ted

"We're partners"

"Oh, you run the production company together"

"No, we're lovers"

TidyDancer · 02/11/2013 15:51

So your DH is your partner? I therefore fail to see how you could find any offence in him being described as such. And for you to describe it as discrimination....seriously?! That is utter utter nonsense.

I'm sorry if you've been offended previously by people in your life, but this is still not discrimination.

DoctorRobert · 02/11/2013 16:00

Deary me. Yes, YABU.

The poor nurse. She wasn't being offensive and she didn't lecture you. No doubt she went home that night and told her Partner about the loon she had to deal with at work.

SatinSandals · 02/11/2013 16:03

Sometimes you think nurses must want to throw in the towel and go, just like OP, when they have to put up with such trivia!

marriedinwhiteisback · 02/11/2013 16:06

I think the OP has taken some unpleasant stick on this thread. Whilst I wouldn't have flounced out of the meeting I don't like my husband being referred to as my partner by medics (only happened when I was pg years ago) and at that time when they referred to my partner I used to correct them and say, actually I have a husband.

I also shall never forget the day a midwife "booked" me in my home, surrounded by our dating wedding photos, knew I had an almost two year old, knew I had a husband and then said "and does this baby have the same father as your son". All I said at the time was "what do you think, I'm called Mrs x now and I was called Mrs x then and I think it would take more than two years to get divorced and remarried again". I know they have to ask that question but I also think there is a polite way of asking it and a sensible way of assessing a person's circumstances especially when a guest in their home.

Since then I have been a bit of a stickler about being called Mrs by HCPs and never taken any PC nonsense from them. I wholeheartedly wish I'd thrown that midwife out of my home on that occasion; not least because that little baby died at 27 weeks and as far as I am concerned that midwife belittled his very longed and planned for existence.

Patients deserve both empathy and a little courtesy and good manners in my opinion. And if a patient wants to refer to their husband as their husband they should be allowed to do so because they are an individual and are entitled to have their individual needs and sensitivities met. That is what caring is all about and what is too readily forgotten nowadays.

I am a happily married lady and my husband and I chose to get married and to plan our family and would not have contemplated doing so without being married. That philosophy deserves as much respect as any other.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 02/11/2013 16:17

Here's a thought, maybe she didn't give a toss about whether you were married, single, straight, gay or living in a polyamorous commune with a team of rugby players.

Maybe in the midst of managing a load of important detail and process around YOUR HEALTHCARE forgot that you had referred to your 'husband' as partner is her default term and one that she has been trained to use.

YABU

SatinSandals · 02/11/2013 16:21

I have always been Mrs, I have wedding photos on display, my children were wanted and planned but they have different fathers, medically you shouldn't just assume.
OP must be at least 20 yrs younger than me, even I, from the time it was automatically husband, realise times move on.

Littlegreyauditor · 02/11/2013 16:22

Sorry to be flippant but is anyone else reminded of that scene in Airplane?

"I'm as scared as I've ever been, but at least I have a husband"

Everyone is entitled to their own views, but there is never an excuse to behave like a brat to a HCP who is only trying to do their job and furthermore to waste their time by storming out of an appointment in a spoor of indignation over something so entirely trivial Hmm

Xmasbaby11 · 02/11/2013 16:24

YANBU. He's your husband. I can't see why they wouldn't refer to him as that - who would it offend?

marriedinwhiteisback · 02/11/2013 16:25

But why couldn't the HCP have had a little more empathy and have understood that the patient would be more comfortable and at ease if her husband was referred to as her husband. If the couple are married it is after all no more than a statement of fact.

greenfolder · 02/11/2013 16:30

I always refer to my husband as my husband. Really couldn't care less if someone else called him my partner. Sounds like you were rude than