To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

"Maybe because the nurse did not want to get in trouble if somebody else heard her call the ops partner "husband"?"

Why would she?

Unless the hospital's line is protocol at all cost & ignore the patient's wishes?

"Op now said she wanted him to be called husband. Nurse explained why they are instructed to use partner. That is it."

But it doesn't explain why she ignored OPs wish.

I can't believe you find it 'offensive'. You must live a sheltered life. Get over it.

YABU

Diddl.

It doesn't say anywhere that she DID ignore the ops wishes. She explained why they automatically use partner after the op complained about the use of the word partner. The op then walked out.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner,

Pukingcat - what is that sentence then if not expressly saying you do NOT want him to be referred to as that? She HAS been saying not to call him that. Then got ignored and told "no, we'll call him partner".
Expressly going against her wishes and causing offence.
Why on earth would an overhearing Ms/Miss whatever Bloggs get offended and upset at hearing the word husband used for somebody else's situation?
To her own situation, fair enough, but to take offence to someone else entirely unrelated to them having a husband is just plain bonkers.

Interesting that the OP then mentioned her husband finds it more annoying than her. Proprietary much?

"But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner."

That's what made me think it was carrried on after OP asked for her husband to be referred to as her husband.

To want to call the Man I married my Husband

The title of this thread isn't really accurate is it op? Because no one is stopping you calling your dh husband. The nurse didn't object to your use of the word did she? Why did you call the thread that?

It sounds like its more that you want to fact that you are married to be admired acknowledged. I can't help but think you must be very insecure to take your identity from that, as otherwise i can't see why on earth it would bother you.

For gods sake jelly! Read it properly. Don't just edit off the bit that doesn't fit your argument.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

AGAIN! After op asked the nurse to use husband the nurse didn't refuse, she just explained why they are told to use partner. Then op walked out. Its right there ^ The op said it was a lecture but it sure doesn't sound like one.

YANBU. You asked politely for her to call him your husband and she should have respected that. It may not be important to a lot of couples, but it is clearly important to you and therefore your wishes should have been respected. Unfortunately we now live in a society where people are too scared to go against the 'rules' in case they offend someone.

I'm laughing at the PC attitude of the hospital. "It discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples." How on earth is referring to someone's husband as their husband possibly discriminating against other people who are not even in the room (I take it)?! I can understand it if the room was filled with different people and home circumstances - fine, use the generic term "partner" as a catch-all. But I think refusing to even use the word "husband" once the nurse has established that the term is used by choice by her patient is pretty daft.

Part from anything it's just good manners socially to use the term that the person you are talking to uses themselves. Sounds like she was sticking rigidly to the rules without thinking about each patient as an individual.

That said, I would have just laughed it off and said "Well, you can call him my partner if you like, but he is my husband so I'll be calling him that." No need to get your knickers in such a twist about it, I don't think.

When you work with mixed groups or even with individuals who may or may not be married you have to use partner precisely for the reasons the nurse gave. It takes a while to stop using the word husband and always using partner but eventually partner becomes second nature. This is good because there is less chance of a stray husband popping out and causing offence.

If you then switch between partner and husband as you request it then makes it harder for the next person the nurse sees as it is more likely to pop out again so she really does not to switch from one to another.

OP, go immediately to the Daily Mail and get this story into their regular 'PC Gone Mad' slot, accompanied by a large colour photo of you with a big, offended face outside the door to the unfortunate nurse's office, pointing sadly to your wedding ring.

Inset could be a small wedding photo of you and your Husband, aka the Man you married.

And maybe a copy of your marriage certificate. Just in case anyone doesn't believe you are Married. To a Man.

(Lovely that Winterval is coming up soon, isn't it? What a pity those unreasonable Muslims aren't letting us put up Christmas lights on the Hugh street any more, eh...)

at QueenMedb

Op, you are being VU. And you are being VVVVVU for being so annoyed that you had to post about it. It's not a big deal, get over yourself

Fussy fussy fussy fusspotness at play.
Correcting her in that way was silly and immature and...... Fussy.
I hope your hospital stay is brief and uncomplicated of course.

I wish the nurse in question was a MNer!

Maybe she is not ALLOWED to use the terms husband/wife etc, they will have had discrimination training etc
Maybe she was just irked by a silly patient getting their knickers in a twist instead of listening to the information they needed to hear?
Maybe the OP came over as quite rude and stroppy? who knows!

But the only reason for being "OFFENDED" is that she feels somehow superior, that it is beneath her to have her marriage classed as a mere relationship with a current partner.

Of course the nurse is allowed to use the term husband.
Either the op is inaccurate
Or b. or c.

It is important to have a bank of inclusive words that do not offend such as partner, first name rather than Christian name etc as a starting point. A truly reflective Professional will be able to adapt to a situation. Sometimes mistakes can be made but with good grace on both sides they can be smoothed over. Any good diversity policy will encourage the worker to treat their patient as an individual not just encourage them to use a word because it's more than my jobs worth not to! Also as a person who works with standards I like the professionally offended as it gets debates going and people having very important discussions! I've had a very similar debate about the use of the word "love"'used by professionals! That was interesting!

I suppose it's possible that the nurse wasn't sure of your gender so was trying to be tactful?

I get deeply pissed off when people refer to my husband - or even my Husband. The idea of being someone's Wife makes me feel really quite ill. I still wouldn't have flounced out of a medical appointment though.

YWBVU and sound quite unhinged, I hope you're not coming to my hospital.

The nurse was probably filling in a trillion forms, none of which will give the option of using the word husband, on our paperwork, the term partner is used throughout, for the reason explained by the nurse in question.

I do hope you apologise for your rudeness.

Fwiw. I do think, in ths situation the nurse should have used the word husband because that is what you had asked.and i agree with slutbucket about hcp being adaptable. but your description of events leads me to believe this was an odd exchange all round tbh.

And you really are being a spectacular prat for deciding just to use the Internet. How are you going to find out the hospital's own procedures?

But on the bright side you probably gave her a bit of a laugh and speeded up the wait in the queue.

The idea of being someone's Wife makes me feel really quite ill.

I hate the term partner because it's too ambiguous - there are business partners, tennis partners etc.

It doesn't make a relationship any clearer when a person says, "This is my partner." Last time it was said to me the person mean business partner.

We need a new word. Until we have one I'll call my husband my husband. Then there can't be any confusion.

Where is Mrsdavidcaruso now? It's gone very quiet at her end...