To want to call the Man I married my Husband

[Mrsdavidcaruso]

First I am not saying that Marriage is in any way superior and don't want to have a discussion about that, its more how someone wants the the special person in their life to be described or referred to.

The word Partner is exactly the correct term to use for the vast majority of people who are in a relationship but not married, but I do object when someone refers to my Husband, knowing he is my Husband as my Partner when I have made it clear I find it offensive.

If I am in mixed company where other halves are discussed like parent groups/childrens groups then the word Partner is the right word to use, forms with the word Partner on can (and are) changed by me to Husband.

But in a one to one situation I expect the person I am talking to refer to the man I married (not Mr Caruso alas) as My Husband.

I am going into Hospital soon and the Nurse was taking details, and asked me if my Partner would be picking me up after surgery, now just because I am Mrs C on paperwork does not of course mean that I am still married to Mr C so she was right to use the word in that context.

However when I said my Husband would be picking me up she continued to use the word Partner, when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner and I didn’t want her to keep referring to him as my Partner, I got a lecture from her saying ‘we don’t use the words Husband or Wife or Spouse as it discriminates against unmarried and same sex couples ‘.

As I say I can understand that term being used when addressing a group of people all with different situations and I would never in such circumstances demand the word Husband be used just for me in that situation.

But this was just her and myself and surely having established that I wanted to use the term Husband that she should have shown me courtesy and respect by using the same term herself and not giving me a lecture.

I am afraid in the end I got very annoyed and told her I found her attitude personally offensive and terminated the meeting, ( I will find out what I want to on the net).

I am sure there are plenty of people on here who would find it equally offensive to have their Partner referred to as their Husband or Wife when they have made it clear they prefer to use the word Partner.

So I don’t think I am being that unreasonable or am I?

So she has to use the term even if someone REPEATEDLY tells you it's causing offence? That is absolutely ridiculous.
So why is it OK to cause offence to some beliefs, but not others?

The OP's first sentence is quite likely bullcrap. She is a wife. A WIFE. And she has a husband. He must be acknowledged as this, lest people not understand that she is a wife.

It was soooo important to her that she missed out on hearing medical information and preferred the skills of Dr Google.

Poor OP. Her exhalted status has not been recognised with each address. No wonder she is distressed.

YABVU. The nurse has far more important things to do than care about which term you prefer - partner is a broader term, husband is more specific - neither is considered offensive in society as a whole. And her job is rather more than just 'paying respect' to you.

What on earth is offensive about a husband being referred to as a partner. Ridiculous thing to be offended about.

To be honest I think both you and the nurse were being unreasonable. If you prefer to have the word husband used the nurse should have respected that. My aunt prefers to be called Mrs X rather than by her first name so she tells nurses, dentist, insurance tel sales people that she prefers Mrs X, not Doris please. That's her right and they get told they are rude if they disrespect her wishes. In fact, nurses tend to great with her - they usually ask if she prefers to be called Doris or Mrs X.

The nurse should have respected your preference in a one to one meeting and could, I'm guessing, easily marked up the interview notes with the fact that you dislike the term partner. They can put comments on about most things.

However, I certainly wouldn't have walked out on a medical meeting because if it.

In my aunt's case I'm guessing she'd have a polite word with the next person up the chain if she didn't get called what she prefers. She certainly wouldn't lose her temper with a person who believes, rightly or wrongly, that they can't use common sense and change 'rules' about titles if someone is telling them they have a preference that is not on the list. She'd tell someone who can actually change the rules that she wasn't happy...That's probably how the word partner ended up on a list of correct terms in the first place - people calmly stated that they weren't happy with assumptions being made, but they aimed their complaint at the right people.

I'd have asked her one last time to respect my wishes, carried on until the end of the meeting then written a polite email to the head of clinic or practice manager pointing out that, whilst I appreciated the need to have a generic term I preferred husband to be used and couldn't understand why the nurse was being so pedantic. You'd either get a 'silly woman get a grip' email or one saying that they would look at the policy, if they had any sense. I've managed to get a procedure changed at a clinic (totally different issue) by contacting the right person, being reasonable and keeping it professional.

"when I gently and politely explained that I have a Husband not a Partner"

She probably just felt sorry for you. I'd hate to have a husband who is not a partner.

I don't get the big deal about it. At all.

Hate the word "partner." Makes it sound as though he plays badminton with me.

You're being a bit precious, to be honest. People are erring on the side of getting it right. As a husband, he is still your partner. If you weren't married, he wouldn't be your husband, though.

Correct, gently, where it matters and try not to get into such a pickle about something that is actually quite trivial.

I am married but use my maiden name. People insist on calling me Mrs, it drives me fucking mad. But I wouldn't miss out on important medical information over it.

Yanbu would they not use the word mum in case it offended orphans. It is pc gone mad.

"Because the nurse explained why she has to use those terms."

So, despite the OP saying that she has a husband & would like him to be referred to as such, the nurse has to keep saying partner?

What rubbish!

wow, 11 pages!
OP, I think you were NOT BU. The nurse was right to use the generic 'partner' (which, IMO, covers spouses, civil partners, boy/girlfriends etc) but when it was clear you were married and preferred the term 'husband' she should have changed straight away, and it IS her job to treat your preference with respect, shown by the fact that her failure to do this resulted in you terminating the meeting- thus she was not able to give the care she planned. However, maybe you should have coped better with your irritation, then you would have benefitted from whatever you didn't get.
I am so old that I can remember when all male partners were referred to as 'husbands' as it was considered polite, and all women on gynae wards were 'Mrs', now that was very annoying. I think the nurse really hadn't thought through what the intention of the protocol was- to treat all people regardless of marital/civil partner status/sexuality with equal respect.

What on earth is "offensive" about the word partner?

It's just a general term for a whole lot of ways in which people are together, and saves an awful lot of time that would otherwise be spent faffing about, establishing the exact legal framework of the relationship.

It's quite clear that the OP does think that marriage is at the top of the relationship hierarchy, or there wouldn't be anything to get offended about. "Offensive" suggests something that you have negative feelings about, not just something that's technically incorrect.

I work in a profession where women are formally addressed (in court) as "Miss" as a matter of course. I have, in my entire career, come across two women who insisted on being referred to as "Mrs" and it was quite odd and jarring, as though they were dragging something quite personal into a very formal setting.

It simply doesn't matter to most people who you deal with in day-to-day life, what your marital status is. The specifics of your relationship just aren't important in most settings.

What on earth is "offensive" about the word partner?

There's nothing offensive about the word partner, but the OP has every right to use whichever terminology she wants.
To her, partner is offensive when she has repeatedly told the nurse not to call her husband that and got ignored.
THAT is offensive and bloody rude. Bet the nurse wouldn't have continued ignoring if it was the other way round and she'd said she took offence at the word husband and could she please stop.

Yanbu would they not use the word mum in case it offended orphans. It is pc gone mad.

Jeez, don't go giving them ideas!
Although I can well imagine that actually happening already in some places after this thread depressingly!

I can see where you're coming from OP although I don't think I'd get quite so worked up about it.

I can see no reason why, in a 1-2-1, the nurse couldn't have referred to your husband.

Also (not sure about this) is there potential for there to be an issue with partner vs husband re next of kin issues in a medical context? If so then the use of husband does make it clear that he is OP's default NOK.

but the OP has every right to use whichever terminology she wants.

No one demanded that the OP use a different term.

To her, partner is offensive

Really? I don't think the OP said that. You may be putting words in her mouth, but if she had it would have been much more unreasonable.

Bet the nurse wouldn't have continued ignoring if it was the other way round and she'd said she took offence at the word husband and could she please stop.

The whole of that sentence is fantasy since there's no suggestion that the nurse disapproved of the word 'husband'. The nurse had been instructed to always say partner since it was safer in case. (A) the woman was not married or (b) the woman's partner was also a woman.

Clearly a good policy since now see that people do come in and get worked up over what they consider the wrong term.
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YABVVU and a bit precious too.

"The nurse had been instructed to always say partner since it was safer in case. (A) the woman was not married or (b) the woman's partner was also a woman."

Which one assumes is why the protocol is in place.

But once established that the OP was married & had a husband, why not use that term?

Why were OPs wishes ignored?

The nurse had been instructed to always say partner since it was safer in case

Even if she had been told repeatedly not to call him partner? To still do it when it's obvious it's causing offence?
I couldn't get myself to be worked up over whether a nurse called my husband a partner.
I would think they were bloody rude to keep ON doing it when told it was causing offence.

But once established that the OP was married & had a husband, why not use that term?

Why were OPs wishes ignored?

Exactly.

"But once established that the OP was married & had a husband, why not use that term?

Why were OPs wishes ignored?"

Maybe because the nurse did not want to get in trouble if somebody else heard her call the ops partner "husband"?

Also, what if the OP had wanted the nurse to call her husband "arsewipe", "because that is what he is", if indeed he was a arsewipe? Should the nurse have had to comply?

Even if she had been told repeatedly not to call him partner? To still do it when it's obvious it's causing offence?

Yet again, THAT NEVER HAPPENED! Why can't anyone read properly instead of making stuff up just because it suits their argument!

Nurse said partner. Op called him husband. She never expressed a wish at this point for him to be called husband. Not even once. Nurse said partner again. Op now said she wanted him to be called husband. Nurse explained why they are instructed to use partner. That is it.

I said all this pages back. Go away and people are still making up the same shit pages later!

It's perfectly sensible to use the word partner. Husband is a type of partner but partner is not a type of husband. Like border collie is a type of dog but dog is not a type of border collie. She is not incorrect to call him partner. She will meet with lots of people every day/week and by saying partner she can't be wrong, by saying husband she can be.

Same with Ms. Some people may not like it but it's not wrong. Mrs can be wrong, Miss can be but Ms covers all women not just some of them.