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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so cross at being sent flowers..

121 replies

CrustaceanRelation · 01/11/2013 15:31

AGAIN!

IABU in a way, I know that. You don't get to dictate what gifts you are given and you should be gracious in receipt BUT..I hate cut flowers, always have, I've never really understood the point, they are ridiculously expensive, usually don't look particularly natural, have ethical/environmental dodginess. In my case, they make me sneeze and they hardly get looked at as I'm out all the time, and I have to put them high out of DCs reach and therefore normally somewhere a bit odd.

I have just received a bouquet by post from PIL for my birthday - again. Addressed to Mrs DH's name Angry. I didn't take his name and DCs are a double barreled mine-his. We've been married nearly a decade and have 2 DCs. I have got flowers from them at nearly every event and each time have tried to be polite but indicate I'd rather go without a gift. A year or so ago I got so fed up I insisted DH talk to FIL and he's sure he was very clear - but here they are again. They never, ever ask what I would like, and have made no effort to get to know me so would have no idea.

My birthday is not going to be fun. We have no spare cash (we are in no way on a low income but childcare, car and house maintenance have nearly broken us over the last few months), we can't go out for a meal or get a takeaway, have no family nearby and the weather is going to be rubbish. I dread to think what they've spent on flowers that could have been not spent, or given and = a real treat for us. One of our outgoings is £100/month to them to pay off a loan they gave us to help with car costs so this is just laughably pointless.

I know IABU to be so het up and cross, I'm low, stressed about cash and hormonal. Aargh Angry

OP posts:
squoosh · 01/11/2013 15:34

YABU about the flowers.

YANBU about them not using your actual name.

Happy birthday!

sonlypuppyfat · 01/11/2013 15:35

Someone has sent you flowers.....The low life bastards.

Original poster
CrustaceanRelation · 01/11/2013 15:35

Thanks Squoosh you made me laugh! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
CrustaceanRelation · 01/11/2013 15:37

Exactly sonly!!

I have kept these in wrapping so can give them away, as I know some people really like them. How can I find out who?!

OP posts:
monkeymamma · 01/11/2013 15:38

Sorry but yabu. They are trying to do something nice and it really isn't their fault you are struggling financially, unless there is something you aren't telling us. What did you want them to do, knock the equivalent price off the money they lent you for your car repairs? Now that really would have been crass! If you really dont like them then say a gracious thank you and pass them to a friend or take them down to your nearest hospital where they might be more appreciated.

Bowlersarm · 01/11/2013 15:40

You sound really unreasonable.

I don't like cut flowers either, but it's a bit mean to be so rude about receiving a gift.

Give them to a neighbour or friend who will appreciate them.

FlapJackOLantern · 01/11/2013 15:42

When you keep 'your' name after marriage and he keeps 'his' name and then you double-barrel the DCs names............you are surprised that some people get confused??

Your PIL are of an older generation to whom the above is a mystery........be kind to them in their confused state.

And........just chuck the flowers in the compost bin - at least there they will be doing SOME good. Poor flowers Sad

UriGeller · 01/11/2013 15:43

It's just a bit lazy isn't it? They haven't bothered to listen to your thoughts on what you like.

They probably just buy flowers for everyone they know on their birthdays. Without the 'thought' behind the gift that its all supposed to be about.

So YANBU I hate flowers too. Luckily no one sends me any. I've made it clear I prefer chocolates Grin

comewinewithmoi · 01/11/2013 15:43

I'll have them!! Love flowers. You are being a bit crabby.

lainiekazan · 01/11/2013 15:44

YABU and very mean.

Look at it the other way around. Imagine if you had sent some flowers to your mil and she was huffing and puffing and telling all and sundry about what a crap present it was.

Re your dh's name - well, many women of the older generation like to be addressed formally by their dh's name. No biggie. I always address my aunts as, say, Mrs John Smith on cards, because (especially if the dh is dead) they like it.

The nearest my pil ever got to giving me flowers was when my mil said that they nearly stopped to buy me a bunch of flowers on the way, but then they had driven past the stand (!) and it was too late. And I was supposed to be grateful for the fact that they had almost stopped...

sonlypuppyfat · 01/11/2013 15:44

I'm not older and I find the name thing a mystery too.

Dahlen · 01/11/2013 15:44

Do you know someone else who is low/elderly/isolated? Take the flowers around to them and spend 30 minutes chatting. It will brighten their day up significantly and make you feel better too.

Then get DH to tell PIL next time he sees them. Nothing makes the point about unwanted gifts like your gift being given away to someone else. It could cause offence, of course (although it's hard to take offence to someone doing a good turn, especially if DH points out you're allergic Wink), but if PILs deliberately ignore your not taking DH's surname and you don't see much of them anyway, you've got nothing to lose, have you? Get DH to tell them you want Wine next year - perhaps they're unimaginative and need firm instructions rather than vague suggestions. Some people will never take you up on the suggestion to buy nothing because it's just unacceptable to their brand of etiquette.

It won't change your lack of money or give you a nicer birthday, but it will make you feel less powerless, which always helps.

Being skint sucks. I'm not going to pretend that you can have a great time stuck in for the millionth night in a row without even the money for a bottle of wine, but some lit candles, soothing music and a massage, plus something nice out of the freezer to eat, will surely be better than another crap night in front of the telly.

Weeantwee · 01/11/2013 15:44

If they have been your in laws for 10+ years then it is a bit mean that they clearly can't be bothered going to any effort to getting you a nice gift. Flowers are their default. It could be worse though! My ex's mum would always buy me nighties. Who in their 20s wears a nightie?!

Original poster
CrustaceanRelation · 01/11/2013 15:44

I know monkey but seriously, what is their point? I am pretty sure they know they will go unappreciated, they certainly aren't a treat or bring me any pleasure. Why send them? When I get a friend or relative a gift, I want there to be a positive emotion on receipt, I think carefully about what they may like or what would be a luxury for them, or if I don't know I ask someone close to them. And I endeavour to get their name right.

It is no way their fault we are struggling, we are very much independent of them and take repaying the debt we owe them seriously. I just feel cut flowers are a waste of money in general and painfully so in this situation.

OP posts:
comewinewithmoi · 01/11/2013 15:46

They look pretty, make any house more welcoming, make me happy. Hark at me. The only thing is, they are a pain when they die, to clean up.

ziggiestardust · 01/11/2013 15:46

I can see where you're coming from, but I think you know yab a bit u. Can you pass them on to a neighbour? I did that a few weeks ago because we were going away and they'd have just gone to waste.

I think the irritation here is from your money woes, rather than the gift. Worrying about money is the worst thing in the world Sad I really hope it gets better soon.

Happy Birthday though! It's my birthday today too WineWine

Bunbaker · 01/11/2013 15:46

MIL doesn't like flowers either, so I never buy her any. Do your ILs actually know that you don't like them?

At least they have remembered your birthday and they are trying to be nice about it. Stop being so ungracious and just grit your teeth and say thank you.... and then send them to me because it is my birthday tomorrow Grin

Happy birthday anyway Cake Wine

everlong · 01/11/2013 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

comewinewithmoi · 01/11/2013 15:49

They could have given you a Halloween themed gift?!

comewinewithmoi · 01/11/2013 15:49

They could have given you a Halloween themed gift?!

comewinewithmoi · 01/11/2013 15:50

They could have given you a Halloween themed gift?!

thehorridestmumintheworld · 01/11/2013 15:51

I love cut flowers but I think some others are not being very understanding when you would really love £20 to spend on something you do like and are so short of money. Any chance of them reducing the payment you make for the car bill a bit?

WooWooOwl · 01/11/2013 15:52

YABU but you know that, and having a moan is ok.

It would be really rude for your DH to say you don't like the gift his parents have given you, and you were very rude to insist your DH talk to them about it last year. Your DH probably knew how rude and hurtful it would be, so wasn't as clear as you told him he should be.

Original poster
CrustaceanRelation · 01/11/2013 15:52

Re the name thing - my name is my name, it's not hard, it's easier in fact in the sense that it has been the same ever since they met me 15 odd years ago. I cannot accept that it's hard to right it down and refer to it if they struggle that much. Since they're both in their 50s and hold down very responsible jobs I think they're capable of recollecting it correctly. They choose not to. That I guess, is the root of my irritation. That and the fact they have been both politely and firmly told flowers aren't my cup of tea.

Dahlen You've hit the nail on the head. I feel powerless. I have to just accept them and be grateful. Even if they don't give a monkeys if I like them, even if they don't care what my name is, even if they don't mind that we're having a rubbish time and see no reason to offer any sort of emotional or practical help. I will have a nice eve, I have a lovely little family, a kind DH and a safe house over our head. We're by no means poor and I need to get a grip and move on. Thank you for your kindness though.

Here y'are come Flowers

we you're right, nighties are a shocker!!

OP posts:
MokuMoku · 01/11/2013 15:55

I hate it when my husband buys me flowers as well. They're such a waste of money and show no thought. I'd rather something practical.

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