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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so cross at being sent flowers..

121 replies

CrustaceanRelation · 01/11/2013 15:31

AGAIN!

IABU in a way, I know that. You don't get to dictate what gifts you are given and you should be gracious in receipt BUT..I hate cut flowers, always have, I've never really understood the point, they are ridiculously expensive, usually don't look particularly natural, have ethical/environmental dodginess. In my case, they make me sneeze and they hardly get looked at as I'm out all the time, and I have to put them high out of DCs reach and therefore normally somewhere a bit odd.

I have just received a bouquet by post from PIL for my birthday - again. Addressed to Mrs DH's name . I didn't take his name and DCs are a double barreled mine-his. We've been married nearly a decade and have 2 DCs. I have got flowers from them at nearly every event and each time have tried to be polite but indicate I'd rather go without a gift. A year or so ago I got so fed up I insisted DH talk to FIL and he's sure he was very clear - but here they are again. They never, ever ask what I would like, and have made no effort to get to know me so would have no idea.

My birthday is not going to be fun. We have no spare cash (we are in no way on a low income but childcare, car and house maintenance have nearly broken us over the last few months), we can't go out for a meal or get a takeaway, have no family nearby and the weather is going to be rubbish. I dread to think what they've spent on flowers that could have been not spent, or given and = a real treat for us. One of our outgoings is £100/month to them to pay off a loan they gave us to help with car costs so this is just laughably pointless.

I know IABU to be so het up and cross, I'm low, stressed about cash and hormonal. Aargh

OP posts:

Donkeyok · 01/11/2013 23:38

oooh and now flower design school

zipzap · 01/11/2013 23:47

I'm another one whose heart sinks when she receives cut flowers so I get exactly where you are coming from OP and no, YANBU.

I once got a huge beautiful bouquet of flowers when I left a job - I was really touched as I'd been there a year but as a consultant rather than a paid employee so wasn't really expecting anything. They were beautiful and lovely - but the person who bought them for me (with collected money rather than from just one person!) knew I was going away on holiday for a couple of weeks the next day. In the end I took them home, took a picture and then rang some people that I know that live locally to see if they would like them as I knew they would be well dead by the time I got back.

They could have got me so many things - there wasn't particularly a tradition of giving flowers, they knew I love plenty of other things that count as standard gifts like chocolate, wine, port, ok pretty much any alcohol other than beer, book vouchers, garden vouchers, even a plant, etc etc. And yet they chose something that I was going to have to throw away within a few hours of being given it, I just wasn't going to be able to enjoy them. They didn't know that I had somebody locally to give them to. It just seemed disrespectful and wasteful to everybody that had been kind enough to donate towards my leaving present.

I would get dh to talk to mil and fil again, this time emphasizing the allergy aspect and say that he is worried that even after being told about this they are still sending you things that make you ill in your own house. And that it's better not to send anything. (do your kids share your allergies - don't usually reckon on involving them but might hold more sway if you say that it's affecting them and you!).

I'm so against giving cut flowers that when I got married I didn't give bouquets of flowers to my mum and mil - I bought them a couple of nice rose bushes with nice appropriate names that they were able to plant in their gardens and even now, nearly 10 years on, they are still flowering and a nice reminder of a lovely day. The florist I bought them from (who'd done the rest of my flowers for the day - I did have a bunch of flowers to hold down the aisle!) and sorted them out for me wrapped them up beautifully in cellophane and ribbons so despite looking like a dead stick in a pot of mud, they looked decent to hand over and they had the advantage of being considerably cheaper than getting a couple of big bouquets done too!

zipzap · 01/11/2013 23:49

just a thought - do you think that mil gives flowers as she wants or expects them?

could you get the dc to make her some paper flowers or give her a small pot plant or something similar for her birthday so that you can start the conversation about obviously never sending flowers?

MusicalEndorphins · 02/11/2013 04:13

Be ready for your next birthday. When the flowers arrive for Mrs DHLastName, tell them there is nobody by that name at your address, and refuse to accept them, quickly closing the door.

SkinnedAlive · 02/11/2013 05:09

How old did you say your in laws were? Maybe I am just tired, but I'm sure I read that you said they were in their 50's. If so, then I don't think the name thing is generational, and instead it is a deliberate insult. How would they like it if you started calling them nicknames or something other than their actual names.

I love flowers myself but if you are allergic then its very thoughtless of them. I would phone MIL to thank them for the lovely gift but say very clearly to her they had to be binned straight away due to your allergy - which upset you greatly as they were so lovely and you hated to see such gorgeous flowers wasted. Don't bin them though - I am sure there are lots of friends/places that would love them.

I know what it is to be totally broke so I hope you have a great birthday and get some nice pressies you can use from your other family/friends.

Dolcelatte · 02/11/2013 05:24

I think your expectations of your in laws are far too high OP. They sound as though they have busy lives with demanding jobs, so perhaps they just don't have the time to spend or lack imagination in finding you a different present. Flowers or chocolates are usually welcomed by most people and I suspect that the message wasn't relayed by DH as you intended.

I have to say that, if I went to the trouble and expense of buying a gift for someone, and was told (as suggested up string) that it was being binned, I would think that the recipient was ungrateful and ungracious, and totally lacking in basic good manners. I'm not sure I would want to be bothered to buy them any further gifts. How old are you, 5 or 6, that you jump up and down in a tantrum, because Mummy and Daddy didn't buy you what you wanted?

Your in laws have already subsidised you with a loan (was it interest free?). Why should they have to support you any further and why do you feel entitled to anything more from them.

My MIL has taken to giving away old things of hers for birthdays and Christmas, which do often get junked or donated to the charity shop, but I always just smile and say thank you; why wouldn't you?

What do you buy your in laws for their birthdays, out of interest?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 02/11/2013 06:50

If they are in their 50's then the name thing is not generational. I have female clients in their 50/60's who didn't change their name upon marriage 20-30 years ago. It's hardly a new idea, I suspect they are either thoughtless or doing it to deliberately annoy.

LovesBeingHereAgain · 02/11/2013 07:03

If you really want to make tge point you could refuse to accept tge delivery.

They can be donated to a local hospice or old people's home

MrRected · 02/11/2013 07:09

Given everything else that's going on in your life, OP, I think you should try to give this less life in your own mind .

Accept the flowers with a gracious thank you and then put then out of your mind. Ultimately you can't control what the buy you, so there is no point worrying about it.

Longtalljosie · 02/11/2013 07:09

In real life, where we're not all perfect, that would be really irritating. Can you find a proxy, super-easy go-to present for them? Say you'd really like JL / garden / M&S vouchers for your b'day this year, and here's the link? You'll need to wait until next year obvs...

The name things very annoying but there's very little you can do there, I think...

SatinSandals · 02/11/2013 07:26

Hand them on to someone else. I was once given some just as I was going on holiday and passed them to a neighbour, who was thrilled. (Can't understand not loving being given flowers)

TyrannosaurusBex · 02/11/2013 07:46

Your PILs remember your birthday, send you flowere and loan you money when you need it.

The bastards.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 02/11/2013 07:51

You could always tell the delivery people to return them to sender as no one by that name lives at your address.

ScampiFriesRuleOK · 02/11/2013 08:11

YANBU about the name thing. My PiLs also call me 'Mrs DH's first and last name' after a decade of marriage, and they are fully aware of my real name and my strong feminist beliefs around name-changing.

My DH has politely told them many times of my actual name and the offence I take each time they address my birthday cards to 'Mrs Joe Bloggs' but still it persists.

I think you're feeling particularly hurt that of all days to have your wishes ignored (re: both name and flowers) it's on your birthday,.a day that we all hope to feel respected and special.

AaDB · 02/11/2013 08:16

I agree with Horry and Eyeofnewt. YANBU and I love flowers.

What type of present does your IL like and does you DH get that for them?

Every year DH gets a bottle of something he hates. Every year he says thanks but I'd rather you didn't. It's awkward for them to carry never mind they know it is utterly wasted. Il was given the wrong type of present. It was still Christmas day when they made it clear they were disappointed and what they wanted next year. I mention this every time the bottle comes home.

It's irritating to me but i leave it to them. I've had enough of the clutter. We have 18 in the cupboard and we agree they are going to charity.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 02/11/2013 08:17

That would really irritate me scampi
I'd send it back with a concerned note to MIL about accidentally addressing things to herself

kelda · 02/11/2013 08:18

YANBu about the name thing, especially when they are sending a birthday present to you.

YANBU about the flowers either. Some people do consider them a waste of money, and why give a present that someone dislikes, year after year?

ICantFindAFreeNickName · 02/11/2013 08:26

It could be worse - they could be buying you horrendous ornaments for the house that they expect to see on display whenever they visit.

chalkythecat · 13/11/2013 17:46

How ungrateful are you? Accept them graciously then give them to a friend or neighbour if you don't want them.

I'm a florist by the way...

MrsLouisTheroux · 13/11/2013 19:35

If I were on low income and was struggling I would be upset that someone had spent £50 ( or so) to send me flowers.
I would be frustrated because the money could have been spent on something wanted or useful.
But, that's the thing with gifts. They are often chosen by the sender who may buy what they like rather than what the receipient likes or wants.

MrsLouisTheroux · 13/11/2013 19:36

recipient

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