To be so cross at being sent flowers..

[CrustaceanRelation]

AGAIN!

IABU in a way, I know that. You don't get to dictate what gifts you are given and you should be gracious in receipt BUT..I hate cut flowers, always have, I've never really understood the point, they are ridiculously expensive, usually don't look particularly natural, have ethical/environmental dodginess. In my case, they make me sneeze and they hardly get looked at as I'm out all the time, and I have to put them high out of DCs reach and therefore normally somewhere a bit odd.

I have just received a bouquet by post from PIL for my birthday - again. Addressed to Mrs DH's name . I didn't take his name and DCs are a double barreled mine-his. We've been married nearly a decade and have 2 DCs. I have got flowers from them at nearly every event and each time have tried to be polite but indicate I'd rather go without a gift. A year or so ago I got so fed up I insisted DH talk to FIL and he's sure he was very clear - but here they are again. They never, ever ask what I would like, and have made no effort to get to know me so would have no idea.

My birthday is not going to be fun. We have no spare cash (we are in no way on a low income but childcare, car and house maintenance have nearly broken us over the last few months), we can't go out for a meal or get a takeaway, have no family nearby and the weather is going to be rubbish. I dread to think what they've spent on flowers that could have been not spent, or given and = a real treat for us. One of our outgoings is £100/month to them to pay off a loan they gave us to help with car costs so this is just laughably pointless.

I know IABU to be so het up and cross, I'm low, stressed about cash and hormonal. Aargh

Bloodied I''ll go with clueless/lazy/disinterested, over deliberate, calculated irritation.

Usual, neither do I. The other PIL (DH parents separated) have never got me anything and it's never crossed my mind to be offended. Nice to get a card or text but not essential.

I agree with you stupid present. It's your birthday and what a waste of money. But I think what you should do is next year, well in advance of your birthday say to them, rather than flower please buy me x. I bet they buy flowers as it's easy and they have no idea what to buy. So I think if you are not prepared to ask for alternative then yabu.

Fwiw I have an amaZon wish list, put on around 10 things ranging price £5-£50 and email all relations a month before. This year every single present is on list and everyone comments on how away it is!!!

YANBU. Like you, I'm allergic to flowers and, with the boys, they'd end up shoved in a corner of the kitchen, almost out of sight, where they'd still be in my way and still make my eyes stream. It's not a thoughtful present at all if your DH has made clear that you don't like them (no need for him to even begin to elaborate on the ethical or price issues) and you're allergic to most of them.

I meant how easy it is!

You have a birthday present list?

Anyway OP, happy Birthday

YANBU I completely agree. Flowers (if you are going to get a gift) is a rubbish and lazy present.

It sounds like they buy them just to tick a box that they've done Crustaceans birthday. The lack of recognising your name is a rather big clue.

I think there are lots of people who don't value cut flowers as a gift. Would men be happy with a bunch of flowers for their birthday?? Would your DH? Mine bloody wouldn't.

Thanks for all the happy birthdays and the understanding replies. We've lit the DC's pumpkins from yest and have them on the fireplace and will get all snuggly later.

Horry that's an interesting thought - I'm definitely not the DIL they wanted I guess, hence the lack of engagement (I've always been willing). Maybe they're just ploughing on regardless.

Lookat such a good way of putting it - my DH would be to say the least and my Dad would be . It would never, ever occur to me to buy someone, particularly male (which probably makes me an unthinking sexist) flowers. I've chipped in at work for bereavements though.

YABU, however I do see your point about cost of flowers- they do after all die and get thrown away and are very expensive (if lovely!) SO why not ask very kindly that rather than send flowers knock the cost of what they would have spent on flowers off the loan that you owe them for the car?? explain how strapped you all are and that while they are lovely etc etc

or just give them to the local old peoples home.

I gave my DH flowers once when we first started going out. he was gobsmacked. no-one had ever given him flowers before. he liked them, and was touched, but it was more along the lines of a bit of a joke.

So, that is an interesting point lookat

So now I am thinking about this from a different perspective. I personally really dislike chocolate. My PILs give me a really expensive box of Thorntons every Christmas. I always smile weakly and force myself to eat a few and feel sad they have wasted their money (they are in their (90s) though I never say 'please don't' because I do not want to offend them. Last Christmas is still in our larder... I need to get DH to finish them before Christmas arrives again!

YANBU. I would love them, but if you don't then fair enough - especially if you have already asked DH to intervene. I have an Amazon wishlist just to make present buying easy for my ILs (no-one else uses it). It felt weird to start with but it seems to suit everyone.

Oh and Happy Birthday. :) Sorry, forgot that bit.

not

:)

I'd love them, I never get flowers

YABU

Here you are Feather

Bloodied it's just like that I think, very similar emotions.

Thanks for much appreciated

Yabu. And what has all the moaning about money got to do with it? Are you suggesting you shouldn't have to pay them back the car loan money?

No, not at all Mintyy, it just makes the whole "we have to give her something, anything, regardless of whether she likes it, let's chuck £20 at it" all the more ridiculous. To my mind anyway.

The moaning was part of the context of why I was so upset by what is a fairly trivial thing. I'm stressed, worried, hormonal, tired and fed up, and didn't wish to get so riled on my birthday. But I did, I shared on here and now I feel lots better. Like i say, therapy!

Yabu and a bit ungrateful , also don't get the name thing that is part of being married.

Er, no Soon, it isn't. There's no legal requirement to change your name on marriage in the UK. Regardless, do you really think that by marrying my DH I gave up any right to be addressed as I choose? That my PIL, who have known me for 15+ years should not try to call me by the name everyone knows me as, I'm legally and socially known as?

Ooh, lots of people with the birthday today; I was just saying to DH there is never anyone with the same birthday as me...

I didn't change my name either; my own mother calls me Mrs DH Name on cards. Hmmm.

I really don't get the name thing either.

DH DParents are fairly traditional. When we got married, they said "so, do we have a new Mrs X in the family?"

DH said " oh no, she's still Revolting Peasant!"

Them "oh fine"

Ever since: no problem. Because they are normal polite people!

I always like finding birthday buddies DD1 has a little friend with a birthday today, and I have a colleague who shares! There's loads of us!

See, Revolting, our conversation went:

DMIL "oo, now we've got the same name Mrs DHLastName,"
Me, "actually I've decided to stay Crustacean Relation to make work etc easier"
Them