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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my DF shouldn't have to resort to doing this

77 replies

WahIzzit · 31/10/2013 23:09

I have a DF (friend) who is originally from another European country. She met her British DH here a few years ago, and are now happily married with a baby and all live in the UK. She decided against changing her maiden name for feminist reasons however their DS shares his father's surname.

DF travels back to her home country about twice a year to see elderly parents etc and her DH also enjoys travelling there too. A few months ago however due to new job commitments he was unable to go with them so she travelled alone with their young ds. She was quite stressed on her return when we eventually met up. She informed me that at both airports she was questioned repeatedly about the relationship between her and the child as they have different surnames, as well as passports of differing nationalities. The British border control insisted on seeing his birth certificate Hmm (er yeah because you just carry these sorts of documents in your pocket dont you), and other country's insisted on seeing some other proof valid for its own citizens. She had neither and ended up in tears with a distressed baby and no idea why they were being so difficult when normally they breeze through security when her DH is with them.

She is due to go back early next year, as her DM is very frail and feels the urge to see her. Unfortunately her DH will not be able to go again, so she will travel alone with her DS. She is now thinking of changing her surname to his if it saves her the hassle each time she travels abroad. She is sad about this because A. She doesn't really want to and B. It seems like a big unnecessary headache with the paperwork etc.

I feel really cross on her behalf, no doubt she isn't the first mother to ever travel with her baby who both dont share surnames. (What about all the non-married folk etc? I refused to change my surname to DH's, but have never travelled alone with my DC. Perhaps they would spare us as we all have British passports). Many will agree it is difficult enough going abroad with a young child, and I feel annoyed she feels she is reduced to doing this to make it easier to travel with her baby. There must be another way surely?

OP posts:
Valdeeves · 31/10/2013 23:22

Probably but I guess they are tightening up on child trafficking and abduction - I'm quite pleased they are so rigorous to be honest.

Nanny0gg · 31/10/2013 23:23

What do you suggest?

It may be using a sledgehammer to crack a nut, but if it saves a child from being spirited away from its parent to be taken to another country, isn't that a good thing?

And if a woman doesn't want to take on their DH's name, isn't that one of the reasons for double-barreling, so that she does have the same name as her children?

Boardingblues · 31/10/2013 23:23

I didn't change my name and I get this from time to time. I don't feel cross about it or overly disturbed. They did ask my DS once if he wanted to travel with me and he said "No" then roared with laughter. I nearly left him there! We are both Brits btw

hippo123 · 31/10/2013 23:26

Maybe, but it was one of the reasons I married dh(after 2 dc), everything is easier,travel,school,doctors etc.

basgetti · 31/10/2013 23:27

Could they double barrel the child's name instead of her changing hers if she doesn't want to?

scarevola · 31/10/2013 23:27

This is very common nowadays, and there have been several threads about it.

Your friend is not being unusually singled out. Nor need she change her name (I haven't). But yes, travelling with BC is becoming the norm if your names don't match. And depending on destination, a letter from the non-accompanying parent may help too.

purplewithred · 31/10/2013 23:28

So someone turns up at passport control with a child who has a different name and a different country's passport - of course they are going to pay attention, especially with the recent resurgence of interest in child trafficking.

Next time she will know to take the birth certificate with her to prove she is the mother. no need to change her name at all.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 31/10/2013 23:29

You've already answered the question. She just takes the birth certs with her when she travels. I always take copies of ours anyway, in case something happens to the passports.

I had a different surname to DS when he was a toddler, he is pale with ice blue eyes and white hair, I am dark haired with brown eyes and darker skin. We used to get stopped all the time, customs would shout his name to get his attention but he didn't recognize it as we used a shorter version of it then.

helenthemadex · 31/10/2013 23:29

I frequently travel with my 3 dd's who have exh name while I have my maiden name, its not that big a deal to carry copies of birth certificates. My dd's often get asked their names by border control as well, Im happy they are being vigilant

NotYoMomma · 31/10/2013 23:31

everyone knows this happens. she should have looked into it

ithaka · 31/10/2013 23:32

We all have the same family name, same nationality passports, look alike etc. Nonetheless, when we came through passport control recently, they made a point of speaking directly to my youngest child to confirm she responded to the name on her passport and we were her parents. I saw that as being conscientious in child protection.

As your friend has a different name and different nationality to her child, I would be surprised if there were not more checks. In her situation, I would carry extra documentation with me and be prepared to show it. She is not being singled out for personal reasons, it is part of safeguarding.

LongTailedTit · 31/10/2013 23:38

Yup, they're doing what they're supposed to do - unfortunately she will run into a few who do it rudely or officiously, but it's still necessary.

Best solution is to always take copies of birth cert etc for all cross-border journeys, and ideally add her surname to the DC, maybe as a middle name if they don't want to double barrel.

We had three surnames in the house when I was a kid, occasionally it was a pain, but so be it. She shouldn't be forced to change her name, there are other ways around it.

WilsonFrickett · 31/10/2013 23:40

that's why the customs guy was so insistent on asking DS name when we last travelled then? What with the accent, the glass box, the uniform plus DS social communication disorder the conversation did not go well or quickly, but DS very loud 'can we go now mummy, I don't want to talk anymore' must have convinced him.

Op, just tell your friend to take a copy of the birth cert.

Original poster
WahIzzit · 31/10/2013 23:40

Yes the child having a double-barrelled name is a good idea (he has an unusually long forename and surname already so perhaps that is why they decided not to but I will ask her).

Will suggest to her about a letter from the non-accompanying parent, thanks scarevola

Would a copy of the birth certificate do or would they need the original? I am not sure if it would act as sufficient proof at other country's BC but worth a try.

OP posts:
spritesoright · 31/10/2013 23:44

I have a different name and passport to my DD and have never carried her birth certificate with me or had a problem at customs when we were on our own. So no, not everyone knows this happens.
I suspect it is also based on a subtle form of racism where people from 'poorer' countries are more frequently interrogated.
It must have been very distressing for your friend.
I will consider carrying a birth certificate in future but don't see how a letter would help. Surely those are easily forged and unverifiable.

Original poster
WahIzzit · 31/10/2013 23:44

I can understand why they need to do this, and it makes sense to try and stop a potential abduction. But I felt really sorry for her, she has a very fussy baby who can be hard work and it must have been a nightmare being alone whilst they.qestioned her. Her English is pretty good now but when stressed or tired she finds it difficult to find the right words.

OP posts:
misspontypine · 31/10/2013 23:46

If she didn't want to change her name for feminist reasons why did she give her dc her partners name?

Ee have exactly this issue apart from ds have mine and dp's last names do it isn't an issue.

happy2help · 31/10/2013 23:47

I might be alone in thinking this, but whilst I sympathise with your friend's situation, surely it's reassuring to know that they are shit hot when it comes to adults taking children (who don't appear to be related to them) out of the country?

Now your friend knows what to expect, it wouldn't be such an inconvenience to take the child's birth certificate with her when she's travelling abroad, would it? The first time yes, but subsequent trips...I can't see the problem.

And as for her return travel back to the UK, she can contact them in advance, find out what documents are acceptable, and arrange to have them in her possession when she travels.

Maybe passport control had alerted to a suspected abduction or something, or maybe they hadn't and this is how it will always be, but it isn't the job of passport control to make it as easy as possible to get out of / in to another country, it's their job to be thorough and flag up anything that might appear to be suspicious/of concern.

I think YABU.

Wuldric · 31/10/2013 23:51

I have a different surname to that of my DCs. We never have a problem travelling and we travel a lot. If your friend is getting issues at border controls, it is not because she has a different surname to that of her children. I assure you of that.

Original poster
WahIzzit · 31/10/2013 23:52

missponty from what I know she chose their dc's first name, it is a name from her home country that is long and unusual, so took a bit of convincing for her DH to agree. Then her DH used his surname which is an English name but also rather long.

OP posts:
Original poster
WahIzzit · 31/10/2013 23:55

wuldric she is Muslim convert so wears a hijab. At the risk of being called a drip-feeder, I would like to think hope that isn't the reason she is being stopped.

OP posts:
NoComet · 31/10/2013 23:57

My Canadian DF eventually took British citizenship, mainly because she was pissed of with the cost of renewing visas, but also because of passport queues.

The final straw being when her DH and DCs sailed through the foreign passport queue and the Canadian question took ages because they were having a forgery crackdown on their own passports.

Flibbertyjibbet · 31/10/2013 23:58

I got more subtle questioning when I took my dcs abroad this year to stay with my sister. We don't have the same name. I had been 'warned ' about this on mumsnet last year so had the birth certs in our case.

The immigration man asked quietly what relationship I was to the children, I replied that I am their mother. He then turned to che children and asked some general friendly questions about where they had been, and without asking them directly, ascertained that they had been with mummy to stay with auntie.

They can ask me anything I want, in any way they want, if it can help to safeguard other children.

My sister today suggested that this summer I come over for a shorter time, leave the kids for a week, then she will bring them back. I need to find out what papers she will need to show that she is travelling with them legitimately as she travels now on a foreign passport and has a foreign surname.

NoComet · 31/10/2013 23:58

Queue (I 'question' my iPods sanity, sometimes)

pookamoo · 01/11/2013 00:00

Before my old passport expired (which was in my maiden name), I used to take copies of both my marriage certificate and DD1's birth certificate with me. DH had copies of both in his passport wallet as well.

If you were stopped, questioned or separated for any reason, you would need to produce this kind of document, so surely it's just easier to have it with you. We actually had 3 copies of each - one in each of our passport wallets and a further copy of everything in our travel documents folder.

My friend was questioned once as she and her daughter have different names. Friend is now married to her DH who is not her DC's father. To confuse things further, my friend never changed her name when she was married to her DC's father anyway, so she has never shared their name.