To think my DF shouldn't have to resort to doing this

[WahIzzit]

I have a DF (friend) who is originally from another European country. She met her British DH here a few years ago, and are now happily married with a baby and all live in the UK. She decided against changing her maiden name for feminist reasons however their DS shares his father's surname.

DF travels back to her home country about twice a year to see elderly parents etc and her DH also enjoys travelling there too. A few months ago however due to new job commitments he was unable to go with them so she travelled alone with their young ds. She was quite stressed on her return when we eventually met up. She informed me that at both airports she was questioned repeatedly about the relationship between her and the child as they have different surnames, as well as passports of differing nationalities. The British border control insisted on seeing his birth certificate (er yeah because you just carry these sorts of documents in your pocket dont you), and other country's insisted on seeing some other proof valid for its own citizens. She had neither and ended up in tears with a distressed baby and no idea why they were being so difficult when normally they breeze through security when her DH is with them.

She is due to go back early next year, as her DM is very frail and feels the urge to see her. Unfortunately her DH will not be able to go again, so she will travel alone with her DS. She is now thinking of changing her surname to his if it saves her the hassle each time she travels abroad. She is sad about this because A. She doesn't really want to and B. It seems like a big unnecessary headache with the paperwork etc.

I feel really cross on her behalf, no doubt she isn't the first mother to ever travel with her baby who both dont share surnames. (What about all the non-married folk etc? I refused to change my surname to DH's, but have never travelled alone with my DC. Perhaps they would spare us as we all have British passports). Many will agree it is difficult enough going abroad with a young child, and I feel annoyed she feels she is reduced to doing this to make it easier to travel with her baby. There must be another way surely?

I don't wear hijab,and my DC have been asked about who they are with and purpose of visit.

As they are big enough to answer (with dismaying clarity) for themselves, I've not needed copies of BCs. You probably do with younger, or quieter, DC.

I used to have a spousal visa to allow me to live and work in the UK and often got a grilling when entering the country - especially if DH wasn't there, and sometimes even when he was there. I guess it's just one of those things - the first time took me a little by surprise by the intensity of the questioning, but every other just prepared myself for the questions. And I travel on a NZ passport, so it's not just poor countries targeted. It never really bothered me tbh

YABU. This is about trying to prevent traffic-ing of children.
It doesn't affect me (as my dh, myself and all our children share our family name), and also we don't travel abroad that often, but even I knew that it is very likely people will be checked if leaving the country with children with a different name from you. the fact they are (according to passports) different nationalities as well, is bound to invite more questions.
Personally, I'm glad border controls are making it more difficult to take children out of the country if it's not immediately apparent they are with their parent(s).

Could she add her maiden name as a middle name for the child so it's on his passport?
Or could she just add her husbands name on to the end of hers but just not use it day to day?

My DS is donor conceived, and I always travel with his birth certificate as well as my statement from the IVF clinic to show he was conceived via donor so that I don't have to go through the questions about whether his father knows we are travelling and do I have permission, etc. It just makes life easier if you're prepared if there's anything remotely unusual that they might flag.

If it saves just one child, I'm happy to show papers and answer questions.

I understand that they're looking at changing children's passports so that it also has the parents names, or guardian names.

It's currently being debated in parliament / wherever they sort this out though so I doubt it'll happen any time soon.

Thanks for all the replies. Will email her a link to this thread as she isnt on MN, and they can decide what would be the best option for them.

I have a uk passport still in my maiden name and dcs have irish passports in dh's name. I have only ever had problems with uk border control, and that was only once on eurostar. to travel you only need a passport. the bcs were supplied to get the passport in the first place. personally i find it discriminatory against unmarried parents or those who choose to keep their names. And basically it's saying that anyone who has the same surname wouldn't have trouble travelling with those children, regardless of parentage (same name families don't get asked for additional proof) which is no help in child trafficking. it was better when children could be named on the parent's passports

so no, i don't think yabu

I do this a lot (DS and I have different surnames and passports from different countries) and we take his fathers passport, along with a signed letter from him and we breeze through. and I am talking about US customs, so they aren't lax.

Yup birth certificates and we boyh have signed, witnessed letters giving the other parent permission to travel with the DCs.

She's not being stopped because she wears a hijab.

I have a different surname to my children, and on re entering the UK after our last holiday, I was questioned about our differing surnames and advised to bring a copy of the birth certificates.

My children are 12 and 14 FFS, they are more than old enough to confirm the fact that I am their mother, and to travel without a parent if needs be!

I resent being questioned about it because questioning me when I return to my home country is going to do fuck all to prevent child abduction. If I'd been questioned upon leaving the UK, I would have been more understanding, but as I wasn't, and the customs guy wasn't really sure what he should be doing when we returned, it just made the whole thing seem a shambles, and the individual seem like a jobsworth.

I have a letter I need to take with me when traveling with mu daughter - she has a Dutch passport and my husband's family name, I have my own name and an Irish passport. They check every single time leaving and entering Holland, but never in Ireland.

It is really a pain (mainly because I keep losing the wretched letter), and frankly I don't believe it helps with kidnapping much. How does it help when the kidnapper is the parent? That's the story you hear most often. If I leave Holland to go to a Schengen region they don't even check passports so it's useless.

Thing is it won't stop trafficking at all cause you can be bloody sure that traffickers will have the right paperwork. and ime it's only uk border control that seem to have this issue

Another non-hijab wearer who has also had the same issues, and we've only every travelled around Europe with the kids. We've even been questioned at border control since some of the kids were over 18. We're a blended family with various different last names (and combinations thereof), but also now take kid's partners, often take their friends on holiday, etc. I don't think that we've ever not been asked about our circumstances.

Woowooowl, I can't understand why you get so upset about it? Have the paperwork with you, answer questions, move on. I've never had any problems with immigration when travelling, because they're just doing their jobs. Be polite and upfront with them, you won't have an issue.

They are trying to protect children, like hers, like mine, like yours.

The original birth certificate, and a letter from the non-accompanying parent should hopefully do the job.

yabu
it is generally recommended to carry a copy of the birth certificate. even if you share a name.
I have it stapled into dc's passports so that we don't lose it. makes travelling much easier.

Your friend could easily solve it without the drama by taking birth certificate along. She sounds a little precious.

It's a pity that parents can't be listed in under 18s passports and DC listed in parents passports as all this info is available to UKPO when making the application. Would
Make things easier!

However, even if it saves one child it's probably worth it. Even with the massive holes in the system.

I'm not upset, I just find the inconsistency irritating. We should be able to trust a very important government agency to do the job properly, and in my experience, they aren't.

I'd be fine with carrying the paperwork and answering the questions if I were asked both on the way out of the country and the way back in, but I can't see how only asking questions when I'm on my way back into the country that issued our passports is going to do anything to prevent child trafficking or abduction.

Because of my children's ages, and the fact that my ex and I weren't married when we had our dc, my children's (wonderful) father does not have legal parental responsibility. Yet because he shares their name, he has never been questioned when taking our children in or out of the country. It makes no sense.

I have the same surname as both DSs but I only have a British passport, whereas they both have Australian passports (DS1 has a Brit passport too but we have to use the Australian one more).

Whenever I travel back to the UK with the boys, I always have a signed letter from DH to give me permission to take them. I've been back 6 times on my own with them and never needed to show it yet but I still make sure I have it every single time. I also have our marriage cert but not their birth certs - might take those next time (even though it's never been an issue, I can just imagine if I continue to take it for granted I'll get stopped at some point).

OP - YABU because the protocol is there for a reason and ok, it might be irritating for your friend but it's easily overcome with the correct paperwork.

carry a copy of the birth certificate around

the ex has to do this as ds has my surname and he was insulated when asked

I have had this - you need to tell your friend to take her dc p
Long birth certs. Proble should be solved then.

I had this with my 3 DC at French customs 2 of them have a different surname to mine. When questioned about their parentage my 16 yr old DS1 "joked" "we don't know who our dad is!!" .

YABU BTW

The law says you have to have permission from the other parent with PR to take a child out of the country

However I have rarely been questioned myself of seen others questioned. I would not be bothered if I were asked, and yes I do carry his Birth Certificate as well. The fact your friend and her DC have different names will trigger them to ask. Your friend just needs to deal with it