To think my DF shouldn't have to resort to doing this

[WahIzzit]

I have a DF (friend) who is originally from another European country. She met her British DH here a few years ago, and are now happily married with a baby and all live in the UK. She decided against changing her maiden name for feminist reasons however their DS shares his father's surname.

DF travels back to her home country about twice a year to see elderly parents etc and her DH also enjoys travelling there too. A few months ago however due to new job commitments he was unable to go with them so she travelled alone with their young ds. She was quite stressed on her return when we eventually met up. She informed me that at both airports she was questioned repeatedly about the relationship between her and the child as they have different surnames, as well as passports of differing nationalities. The British border control insisted on seeing his birth certificate (er yeah because you just carry these sorts of documents in your pocket dont you), and other country's insisted on seeing some other proof valid for its own citizens. She had neither and ended up in tears with a distressed baby and no idea why they were being so difficult when normally they breeze through security when her DH is with them.

She is due to go back early next year, as her DM is very frail and feels the urge to see her. Unfortunately her DH will not be able to go again, so she will travel alone with her DS. She is now thinking of changing her surname to his if it saves her the hassle each time she travels abroad. She is sad about this because A. She doesn't really want to and B. It seems like a big unnecessary headache with the paperwork etc.

I feel really cross on her behalf, no doubt she isn't the first mother to ever travel with her baby who both dont share surnames. (What about all the non-married folk etc? I refused to change my surname to DH's, but have never travelled alone with my DC. Perhaps they would spare us as we all have British passports). Many will agree it is difficult enough going abroad with a young child, and I feel annoyed she feels she is reduced to doing this to make it easier to travel with her baby. There must be another way surely?

I was asked entering Greece with mine, I had a uk passport in my maiden name (did change my name but had not yet changed passport) ds1 had uk passport too, with dhs surname. Luckily DH had gone ahead of us so came back (we did have marriage certs etc, but he had them as i only had passports to go through passport control).

Coming back through, DH carried ds1 and i went alone, to save the fuss. And my passport is now updated with married name.

Surely though, the majority of people going through with children they shouldnt be, are parents taking them out of the country without the other parents permission?

I think there is a tightening up in general.

All four of us have the same last name, we went to a family wedding in Ireland a while back, as it was in the school hols I flew out with the DCs on a one way ticket as DH was bringing the car over and we were all going back on the ferry.

At border control DD was asked in a friendly way where she was going and the officer said "will you get the passports off Mammy and tell me which one is which" so she opened them and handed them to him one by one saying "This is my Mum, this is my brother and this is me" - I thought it was a very subtle but effective way of making sure we were who we said we were.

If it causes a wee bit of hassle but saves a child being abducted then I don't see the issue.

I have travelled often with my dd (since 2002) and when we had different surnames (have since changed mine) I always carried her birth cert. Just in case.

You'd think if it was that much of a problem for border control, they would add a section on the passport for if the parent has a different surname, rather than expecting people to guess they need to take birth/marriage certs...?

Well I can see why it's a great inconvenience. But as others have said they are trying to cut down on child abduction and so on.

if she carries the birth certificate with her problem solved or have i misunderstood?

Wearing a hijab is not the reason she's being stopped
She's being questioned because she has a different surname to her child; this can be sorted by the simple expedient of carrying the child's birth certificate with her when travelling.
Why is that such an inconvenience?
You sound like a bit of a shit stirrer, to be honest.

OP, while it can be difficult for your DF, the rationale behind this is a good one, and one I fully support. If it saves children from being trafficked then it can only be a good thing.

I too have a different surname to my DS, and have not been stopped, but I guess not everyone is.

The border agency actually provide advice on this www.ukba.homeoffice.gov.uk/sitecontent/documents/travel-customs/children-travel so they do give some guidance on how best to deal with the situation.

I would guess the best thing your DF can do is not take it personally and not get anxious about it. Realise that it is there for people's protection and read the advice.

But honestly, I can't understand why they don't slightly amend the passports so that this isn't necessary, or return to some sort of system where children were added to a parent's passport somehow.

Wonder how many men are ever stopped?

They could be an uncle, for example?

DH gets stopped with DS. Just the same as I do, because their surnames aren't the same. He has to carry XH's passport and signed letter too.

It's not a big deal, just takes a minute or two. It's good they check, really.

I have a different surname to DS1, I split from his dad and ex has no PR or contact. I had to get a solicitors letter to accompany his birth cert so we could go to and from Canada for a holiday. It's challenging but for good reasons.

I haven't read the whole thread biti think this is irritating but understandable. Dh and ds have the same name but different nationalities and he was questioned travelling with ds alone. Personally I think a child's passport should include information on the parents so that it's clear who he/she can travel with.

So, a woman in a hijab is going through boarder control with a baby who has a different name and different nationality and you are angry she is being questioned? Really?

I was thinking of men with the same surname as the child they are with, as a PP says she was asked.

But then I notice that she had a one way ticket, which might have prompted that.

Although of course a return ticket doesn't guarantee that you will!

Be interested to know how much trafficking/abduction has been prevented by these checks.

This is absolutely normal and routine for anyone who travels with a child with a different name.

I have always taken a letter of permission to travel from my sister when taking my nephews on holiday, and have always been asked for it.

It is for the safety of children.

Alex Polizzi wrote a column a few weeks ago in the Telegraph travel supplement on this happening to her - quite interesting.

This was a topic on Woman's Hour recently, and I met the guest speaker. What she had to say was fascinating, and went a long way to explaining why this particular policy is important, despite the minor inconvenience is may cause.

The most interesting fact was that 70% of parental abductions of a child are by women. I had no idea. I (like most people) had an image in my mind of a foreign father smuggling his children out of the country.

The speaker worked for a group supporting parents who are victims of this. She herself had lost her daughter for part of her early childhood. She knew what she was talking about.

Her interview is probably still on listen again.

I have a different surname from my DCs and a different nationality. I have taken them in and out of the UK to see my family back home on a few occasions and always travelled with their birth certificates, my marriage certificate and a letter from DH. I have never been asked directly, though to be fair my children look so much like me that one 'D'Aunt calls them 'The Photocopies' but I have just now reading this thread realised that I have been subtly questioned about them..... and my eldest was asked something similar when she was asked 'where's your mummy?' and she pointed at me.

As a side note.... it never occurred to me the first time I took DC1 to my home country that she would need a visa, because she was British!

Next time she goes, she could take a copy of her marriage certificate and the child's birth cert?

I and DS get asked about this, but it always seems to be on the way IN to UK not the way out.

In my experience (mum & kids all on UK passports, strong family resemblance but different surnames), this is absolutely standard. A pain in the bum perhaps after a long flight, but understandable and necessary safeguarding, and far less than citizens of many other countries face. Try being the non-US-citizen parent of an American child.

Thanks again for all the replies.

Update - met up with df today as she was passing and popped in. She said she will take copies of both the birth and marriage certificates, and also a letter signed by her DH. Hopefully should make travelling easier for her.

I think she was hassled more at her home country, they were only interested in seeing something called a family book which is a standard thing all parents have of their DC. But as her DS wasnt born or isnt being brought up there she obviously does not have one! She didnt think the birth certificate would be enough to convince them thus the decision to name change, but is willing to try what MN suggested.

Floggingmolly i am not a shit stirrer well fuck me for trying to help a dear friend. A poster (sorry cant remember who) wrote there has to be another reason why she is being stopped not because of different names/passports, and it is then that I mentioned the hijab but I also added I would like to think that is not the reason she is being stopped

Family book - what about the red book you get now, is the dc young enough to have one? In which case take it with her.

Seems a bit silly that she gave the dc her dh's name and not hers, as I would've thought that travelling with a young, not obviously related child (ie passports in different names and nationalities) would lead to being scrutinised - rightly so imo. Why not change the dc surname? Or her name? Either way, so their names match would make it much easier.

It's the same for me. I have kept my very Anglo maiden name for my passport and both kids have a very Indian name. We frequently travel without DH so I just carry a copy of my marriage certificate and everything is fine.

I'm Spanish, my partner British and our son only had a British passport the first time I took him 'back home'. I read up on what I needed to bring to avoid this kind of situation.

I brought a photocopy of his birth certificate and a note from my DP saying he was aware and happy for us to travel.

It was a bit annoying to have to prove I'm the mum but nothing to be distreswed and in tears about, tbh...