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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help needed please

92 replies

Libby2267 · 31/10/2013 22:35

Unfortunatley my son who is at uni has got a girl pregnant. He very stupidly didnt use protection. I have only met the girl in question very briefly. After a lot of thought my son decided to do the right thing and support the child. After already having 2 previous abortions, with other boys, she decided that, although knowing my son was at uni, to go ahead and have the baby. She has turned out to be a complete nightmare, everything my son has done has not been right ! He has bought lots of things for the baby. I have put this down to hormones and have tried to be understanding. My son has had nothing but abuse from this girl, and so has now decided that he cannot play an active role with the child, although he has always said that he would support financially, although at uni.
My problem is, this girl has a terrible reputation in our town, and i am beginning to think that this baby might not be his ! She constantly goes on about not going through the csa and to just give her money when the baby is born.
Looking back, according to the expected due date, from the time of conception and the time she rang me to tell me the news was THREE weeks ??!! Is this possible ?
Would be really grateful for any replys
Many thanks x

OP posts:

TillyTotter1 · 31/10/2013 22:40

Have you spoke to your son about your doubts?

Original poster

Libby2267 · 31/10/2013 22:53

Hi, yes i have, but unfortunately he is burying his head and hoping it will all go away !!!! Not being biased but he is a lovely boy, very caring and immature.

OP posts:

TakingTheStairs · 31/10/2013 22:54

Three weeks from conception to knowing she's pregnant? Absolutely possible.

RandomMess · 31/10/2013 22:57

I can't remember how much the paternity testing cost but even if it's £500 it may be worth paying to be certain that the baby is his so he can make his financial and emotional commitment based on certainty IYSWIM.

He isn't going to be liable to pay much for the next few years is he though, so I'm not sure what she is getting het up about

Littlefish · 31/10/2013 22:58

I agree with Taking - you can get a positive pregnancy test 2 weeks after conception (I did).

fifi669 · 31/10/2013 22:59

Three weeks pregnant would mean she knew straight after dtd. Doesn't sound likely. Get him to go through CSA. He can ask for a DNA test. It'll cost him if he is the father, but if he's not its free. Also I would recommend he thinks again about not being in the child's life. If she really is a nightmare, the child would need him.

fifi669 · 31/10/2013 23:00

Oh wait, three weeks after dtd? Yeah she could know.

LyannaStark · 31/10/2013 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlbertoFrog · 31/10/2013 23:02

Poor wee baby.

I would think if he's decided he cannot play an active role in the upbringing of the child then it's not going to hurt to insist on proof before supporting the baby.

However OP, no matter the reputation or attitude of the mum to be, this could be your (first?) grandchild.

It's a very difficult situation for all concerned and I hope things work out well for you all.

LyannaStark · 31/10/2013 23:02

Welcome to Mumsnet Libby

Not sure why your DS would financially support but not play an active role in bringing up this child if there are doubts.

TakingTheStairs · 31/10/2013 23:03

Honestly, I think you need to step back.
I know you are trying to protect your son but you may end up driving him away as although you don't trust this girl, your son obviously does trust her enough to accept that it's his child and your voicing of your doubts is undermining your son. If he wants a paternity test, let him approach it.

As you say, if he won't be earning much money then you don't need to worry too much yet

And what if it is his child? If you want to have a good relationship with your grandchild then don't burn your bridges now. It takes two to tango so please don't paint this other woman as the bad party just because you're not happy with the situation.

Step back for a bit

And for what it's worth, I got a positive pregnancy test 9 days after conception. I'm now 35 weeks.

LyannaStark · 31/10/2013 23:05

Double post and the last bit eaten

It needs to be established.

EST0106 · 31/10/2013 23:08

Definitely possible timescale wise. If you have a regular cycle you would probably know within 2 weeks. I did.

TillyTotter1 · 31/10/2013 23:09

Ah it's bound to be so frustrating and upsetting but really, if he doesn't want to deal with it your hands are tied really until he's ready to deal with it. Horrid situation for you to be in

Original poster

Libby2267 · 31/10/2013 23:20

Thank you all your replies x
I didnt realise that you could find out that early, so obviously I'm wrong there. The problem is that it is very well known that this girl has got herself pregnant on purpose, she has got herself a very nice flat that is being paid for.
My son time and time again, has told her to go through the csa to keep it all above board, by she constantly demands money from him.
He is extremely niave and always thinks the best in people, which is a lovely trait to have, i think. Unfortunately there are people in this world who take advantage.
I have taken a very big step back during this time, but it is very difficult to watch when you can see that your child is being "played".
I have always said that i would stand by what ever decision he wanted.
He has always felt that his decisions were not taken into account by this girl.

OP posts:

NotYoMomma · 31/10/2013 23:35

HE can also go through the CSA... if he was so bothered.

NotYoMomma · 31/10/2013 23:36

it is not even remotely his decision if she keeps the baby. it is hers alone. I think you have blinkers when it comes to him

Original poster

Libby2267 · 31/10/2013 23:46

Really ? In what way ?

OP posts:

Caitlin17 · 31/10/2013 23:48

You can definitely know that early. I did.

I think you're a bit confused about the role of the CSA and " keeping it above board"

You might want to try being a bit less judgemental, not just because this child might be your first grandchild, but just so you don't sound, well, to be honest , not awfully nice.
As for her "getting deliberately pregnant", it takes 2 to tango and you said yourself he didn't use protection.

Caitlin17 · 31/10/2013 23:55

And I do appreciate I was pretty judgemental in my post, but really if your son is the father then he played as much part in making this baby as she did.

As for her deciding to go ahead with the pregnancy, I've always thought it was unquestionably the woman's decision.

SunshineSuperNova · 01/11/2013 00:02

How did she get a nice flat paid for through pregnancy? Her parents?

NotYoMomma · 01/11/2013 00:06

'after a lot of thought my son decided to support the child'

my, how big of him. after all he created him.
and if she was out to get pregnant on purpose why whoukd she have had two abortions?

sounds as if ypu have been listening to the rumour mill op.
invite her over, have a cuppa and a sit down and see how she feels rather than bleating about the skank who had abortions then trapped your lovely son on purpose and it might not even be his

do you really not know how you come across...

especially if you have only met her briefly

Trapper · 01/11/2013 00:11

I don't understand the OP.
Broadly speaking, if two people have sex, then any offspring that emerge are par for the course and should be looked after accordingly.
If your son is the father then his child has a right to a father In his life and your son should engage with mother to achieve this.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 01/11/2013 00:13

Ah, OP, I feel your pain. My ds got his gf pregnant when he was 17 and she 18, by choice. I was devastated, but she lost the dc. They then went on to conceive again (by choice) and dgs is now 4. They are not together but, after a few ups and downs, do co-parent quite well, and amicably.

But they were in a long-term relationship, it doesn't sound as if your ds has much of a relationship with this woman.

If she's "only" pregnant, he has no duty to finance her. Once the baby arrives, as a student (even if he's working too) he has no legal duty to pay child maintenance either, and should definitely go via CSA to establish paternity. If the baby is his, the testing costs about £300, and if he's not the daddy he pays nothing.

Trapper · 01/11/2013 00:16

Old lady makes sense though.

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