Help needed please

[Libby2267]

Unfortunatley my son who is at uni has got a girl pregnant. He very stupidly didnt use protection. I have only met the girl in question very briefly. After a lot of thought my son decided to do the right thing and support the child. After already having 2 previous abortions, with other boys, she decided that, although knowing my son was at uni, to go ahead and have the baby. She has turned out to be a complete nightmare, everything my son has done has not been right ! He has bought lots of things for the baby. I have put this down to hormones and have tried to be understanding. My son has had nothing but abuse from this girl, and so has now decided that he cannot play an active role with the child, although he has always said that he would support financially, although at uni.
My problem is, this girl has a terrible reputation in our town, and i am beginning to think that this baby might not be his ! She constantly goes on about not going through the csa and to just give her money when the baby is born.
Looking back, according to the expected due date, from the time of conception and the time she rang me to tell me the news was THREE weeks ??!! Is this possible ?
Would be really grateful for any replys
Many thanks x

And I wondered why there's so many nightmare mother in law threads lately, you don't sound very nice OP.

... But consider the moral obligation. As a parent. You know full well that the wan (nee girl) could seriously have conceived this situation willingly?

Unless I am being entirely naive?

OP sounds frantic about her teen ds, have a bit of compassion.

By support the child, i meant emotionally and financially NotYoMomma !!!
As for the other 2 abortions they were when she was younger !
And for your information i have invited her over, and everything she said she has gone back on unfortunately

Step back and keep your beak out. What happens next is between your son and this girl, and you are not helping by calling her names and trying to bully him into disowning her and the child.

Sorry, but i dont think ive called her any names.
I have not tried to bully him at all solidgoldbrass, we have gone out together (his choice) and bought lots of things for the baby, all of which have been thrown back in his face. We, as a family were happy to welcome this baby into our loving family, and were making arrangements for her to do so, but sadly she didnt want that.
She has decided not to put his name on the birth certificate i dont quite know why ?
If you think i am sticking my beak in then fine, i am just a very concerned mother who is trying to help her child.

JK?

If as a you g new mother, my dd
's father said he wasn't prepared to have an active role in her life, if his mother was questioning my morals and the family questioning paternity, I might think twice about including him on the birth certificate?
Just a thought

Fakebook. Let's get Graham on the show?

Sorry I couldn't help myself.

I do feel for you OP but I can't help considering things from the girl's point of view. There are always two sides to a story and she is the one with a baby and a father who doesn't want any part of it. So I feel for her too.

If you had a paternity test and it was confirmed to be your grandchild, would you encourage him to support the baby (and not just financially ) ?

I'm with you on this one op, I have a son and if (god forbid) he was in this situation I would be the same. You just care about your son who is clearly being played. Yes it takes 2 to tango and he was incredibly silly for not using protection but even full grown (should know better) adults make that mistake and don't behave any better.
I agree with the DNA testing too best to go through the csa. Your son can apply for this. I think its important to the child that he or she doesn't have any doubts on who the father is. Good luck op.

I'm totally with you OP and cannot understand people who are having a go at you.

Of course your DS should find out if he is the father - if there is a chance he isn't then he and you need to know. You have no way of knowing if there have been other men in her life at around the same time. It may be none of your business but it certainly is your son's business, and he seems to be naive about this girl - 2 previous abortions isn't unlucky - it's either a sign she doesn't know the facts of life or she doesn't care about consequences. Either way, room for doubt that your DS is the father.

You don't say how many weeks she is now - this could still be early days but I suspect from all the contact you've described it's a bit down the line already. But until the paternity test is done you won't know if this is your grandchild - and quite likely that won't happen until the baby is born ( I think there are risks of a test during pregnancy?).

If she won't put your son on the birth certificate I'd be very suspicious of her. If she won't go though CSA I'd also be suspicious. She may see him as a long term soft touch for supporting someone else's baby. And if you don't help him through this, he may be stuck with a scam for the rest of his life. So don't back off. Be the voice of reason here.

(But it absolutely is not his decision about whether she keeps the baby and it is absolutely not his decision about whether he supports the baby financially if it is his.)

Sounds like a nightmare for you OP, this is the sort of thing I dread when my child is older!

From a slightly different perspective, I'd remember that this will be your first grandchild. I know 2 other families where something like this happened (both to brothers of school friends of mine) and the new grandparents were disapproving and of the attitude that the sons life had been ruined etc etc. 10 years on, and it turned out that that was the only grandchild that they had, as both of my friends ended up having fertility problems. I know at least one set of the grandparents now very much regret not making more of an effort with the mother of the child.

Just to be clear - she rang to tell you that she was (probably) 5 weeks pregnant, & that was 3 weeks after they had unprotected sex?

I don't understand why people are giving the OP such a hard time, she just sounds like a very worried mother who is trying to do the best for her child.

I really think a DNA test would be a good idea though. I think any doubts at all about paternity have a way of lurking in people's minds, & can affect the way people behave towards the child even subconsciously. Plus, surely the poor child deserves to know who their father is? What if they assume your DS is but then in a few, or several, years time they find out that he's not?

Technically 5 weeks pregnant is 3 weeks after conception.

I do understand how you feel op, but I can't help but think that there needs to be more education to point out that unprotected sex can and does lead to babies. It seems to come as a shock to many women that there sons have been sought out by predatory women when the truth of the matter is that 2 people had sex. It shouldn't be a surprise when it results in a pregnancy.

Their sons.

Sorry you're going through this op. I would feel exactly the same.

Do you know the girls parents? What do they have to say about the situation? I assume this girl is quite young too.

Tbh, I really don't think there is much you can do. Your son has alot of difficult decisions to make, so you just need to be there to support him. It would be a shame if he decided to not have contact with the child. It's not the Childs fault that it was born into this situation.

Once the baby is born, get a DNA test and your son can contact the csa himself. Good luck I hope it all works out.

My sons gf became of when they were both 18.
No doubt about paternity but I struggled with the fact she did seem to have got pg on purpose. She told him she was on the pill (he saw packet) and also announced it with a smile at 3 wks!
I was quite sad as ds was planning to go abroad to work as a dancer but after the shock had passed I just have then support to plan for their baby.
He's four now and they do ok. It's been hard though.
I'd also try to befriend her a bit and encourage ds to be supportive.
Unless he has doubts about paternity I don't think you can say much.
My dgs is the image of ds so no doubts here and my dil is a really nice addition to our family and I see her more than dd now.
Not easy though I know.

Dil admits to me it was on purpose btw.
Ds was in love with her, she said she was on the pill but didn't take them.
Yes two people make a baby but it is perfectly possible for a woman to be deceitful.
Yes the boy could insist on a condom stil but let's face it they don't do they? Not if they are told its safe.
I remember my son crying to me when they were struggling with being new parents, money tiredness etc
He wept " I never wanted to I've like this but he's here now and I ove him so much but I feel guilty for not wanting this"
Its very hard to see.

well if you flip it round there is a girl who is pregnant with her first baby. the Dad (after much thought ) decided to be there to support the child. I assume as he feels his wishes were not considered he actually asked her to have an abortion? not knowing the circumstances of her last abortion this coukd have been an awfully traumatic suggestion.

his mother is questioning paternity and talking about irrelevant past abortions and banging on about a nightmare girl and a terrible reputation. its clear she doesnt like her and that she has deliberatley trapped her poor young son (must have poked holes in those condoms... oh wait)

they buy stuff without being asked (what kind of stuff? do you think it might be stuff shewould like to choose herself? what if she is having doubts or is scared or supersticious?)

the son then decides to not be there at all for the child but will provide financially only. (baby isnt even here yet - how nice it must be to have the luxury of walking away from your child) but keeps buying stuff. of course she will probably think 'fuck this buying stuff, wait for the baby and then just give me the money to help provide the stuff I actually want/ need' rather than accost me with meaningless things if you arent going to be there.

the bottom line is we have a one sided OP written by someone who clearly dislikes this girl. how old is your son OP? how old is the girl?

that and the fact that the OP has only met her 'briefly' once and knows all this info (which must be got from other people or her son) is why I am giving her a hard time.

yes get the DNA test, he can go through csa but then maybe have a conversation about ehat should happen next (the son and her) and what she actually needs, wants rather than buyong stuff then being suprised that it isnt actually 'stuff' she wants.

and get your son some condoms

'got pregnant on purpose'
'has a reputation'

It's like playing "not my DS's fault bingo" as these are the things that get said all the time, like clockwork. You're trashing the mother of what is likely your first grandchild. Not a great start.

I would LOVE to hear her side of things as I suspect it would be completely different.

If he doesn't think its his child then he should pay for a paternity test once the baby is born.

From that point onwards, wind your neck in. If he's old enough to procreate, he's old enough to sort out his own mess.

A year ago I discovered I was pregnant (completely unplanned - and we did use protection). I had only been with boyfriend for a few months and had never met his parents. I was so, so scared that he would act like your son seems to have responded and that his parents would instantly hate me and have similar theories to the rumours you seem to be spouting on the internet about this girl.

Thankfully, in my case that didn't happen. DP (despite still being a student) is the most brilliant dad and was fantastic throughout my (nightmare) pregnancy. His parents welcomed me with open arms even though we broke that bombshell to them the first time they even met me. We have a great relationship. I love his mum and we have become very close. It's all turned out better than I could have ever hoped. DP and I are getting married next year.

Maybe, given that you've only met her briefly, see if it wouldn't be a good idea to get to know her a bit better without being so judgemental. Either way both your DS and her were involved in her getting pregnant. She may really need some help right now.