Help needed please

[Libby2267]

Unfortunatley my son who is at uni has got a girl pregnant. He very stupidly didnt use protection. I have only met the girl in question very briefly. After a lot of thought my son decided to do the right thing and support the child. After already having 2 previous abortions, with other boys, she decided that, although knowing my son was at uni, to go ahead and have the baby. She has turned out to be a complete nightmare, everything my son has done has not been right ! He has bought lots of things for the baby. I have put this down to hormones and have tried to be understanding. My son has had nothing but abuse from this girl, and so has now decided that he cannot play an active role with the child, although he has always said that he would support financially, although at uni.
My problem is, this girl has a terrible reputation in our town, and i am beginning to think that this baby might not be his ! She constantly goes on about not going through the csa and to just give her money when the baby is born.
Looking back, according to the expected due date, from the time of conception and the time she rang me to tell me the news was THREE weeks ??!! Is this possible ?
Would be really grateful for any replys
Many thanks x

everlong people have told you why.

her son was 'stupid' at was a 'mistake'
her actions were 'deliberate' and she'trapped' him

apparently.

so says someone who has met her only briefly once

She's only met her once but has also had to deal with the fallout with her DS trying to get involved.

For the record, I think all you can do is sit back and support your DS when he asks for it. This is his to sort.

I discovered I was 5 months pregnant 7 months into a relationship when I was 20. My partner was 19.

We always always used protection. It failed. Sometimesthis happens.

My "mil" was quite the same as you. Told me I had trapped her son. That I was a slag and was out to get money and a house. ( not true whatsoever...totally suported myself)

Dp at the time thankfully was amazing. I gave him the option of being involved as we were young and it was unplanned. There was never ever any doubt in his mind that he would be there for both me and the child .

Not just financially....he wanted to be a part of the childs life......like any decent parent. Anyone can pay for a child....not everyone can be there for them and be a real father.

I had a horris time in pregnancy...and the fact that my mil thought all this about me made it so much worse. She was on and off. One day buying ( hideous things that she knew I would hate) and one day storming out crying etc.

Anyway theres a hell of alot more to it....but she was one if the bigger contributing factors to why dp and I broke up. He is an amzing father and we have a fantasric relationship......but she ruined alot of things for us and kade it so so hard.

Be careful. You never know the full story. Rumours are poisonous sometimes and dint take anything as law until you know for sure.

Your son needs to step up. I can understand her reluctance to put him on the bc if he will only be supporting the child financially.

Get a dna test. Only way to know. Maybe have a talk to your son about the fact that babies need alot more than just money.....

You seem to know an awful lot about this girl, having barely met her. How about you stop listening to hearsay and actually attempt some communication with her? After all, she is likely carrying your grandchild so have a bit of respect instead of going on about her 'reputation.' Have you ever been wrongly judged? It's horrible.

So, you've decided after meeting her 'briefly', that she's a liar, a gold-digger and a slut?

Please tell this poor girl to come on here if she needs any support. Because she clearly isn't going to get it from you or your son.

Frankly, this is your son's business and not yours. If he has doubts he should let the CSA deal with it as suggested and he can get a DNA test.

When I asked about her possibly being 5 weeks pregnant I just wanted to check what exactly she told you. Assuming normal cycle then 3 weeks after having unprotected sex she could definitely know she was pregnant, & she would be 5 weeks pregnant. If she's saying she's 3 weeks pregnant then that's a crock. Howcome she rang you to tell you though? Why didn't your son tell you?

Also, it's not like the OP has said all of this to the girl!

if you wee on a digital first response thingy it says 5+ weeks but you can be 3 weeks

my dh knew I was pregnant at 2 weeks before I even did! we had a negative test then a positive 2 days later!

just down to exhaustion levels. I was that he knew. we found out properly at 3 weeks

can you clarify op where the nice flat that is being paid for came from?

I thought the Clearblue digital test tells you weeks since conception. So if it says "pregnant 3 weeks" you'd actually be 5 weeks pregnant?

Everlong raises another good point - why won't she put his name on the birth certificate? That seems to be at odds with everything else.

At the risk of shit-stirring - whose name will be going on that birth certificate? Or how many other men is she asking for money from without bothering with the CSA?

everlong, if he doesnt want to be around for the child and they are badmouthing her constantly, wouldnt you think twice about putting the name on the bc and therefore instantly giving equal pr to the other 'parent'

if he has said hewont be there for the actual child but will support it financially, wouldnt you then say 'go on then, I need money to buy a cot'

and not expect him or his mother to just buy a cot without your say so (it might not be the one she wanted or be awful and she is the one looking after the baby and having to look at said cot every day)

etc etc

and if OP has met her once, then the 'money demands' is obviously being told to her by her 'clearly can do no wrong' son.

you cant say you would provide financial support only, and then piss and moan when they say yes

I wouldnt put an exes name on the bc especially if they were badmouthing me and playing games and not wanting involvement as later down the line they can all of a sudden swan in with their PR and try to undermine your parental decisions in regards to schools, access (which he doesnt want apparently but could use it as a weapon as he clearly doesnt think much of her despite getting his end away) and dictating where she lives etc

given ops post and her exes apparent wavering interest/ lack of fight/ conviction there is no way his name went on BC unless he showed some willing and did a csa DNA test off his own back.

plus as they are not married she cant actually put his name on the BC unless he goes along with her to actually register the baby together.

OP: I was once in a similar position to your DS. We were a little younger (during a gap year between A-levels and Uni), used protection that failed and were in a long term relationship (just under a year when we found out) but otherwise very similar. I'm not sure that those differences are important for any of what I'm about to say.
My parents panicked when we told them (around 2-3 months in) and my Dad accused the mother of doing it on purpose - she clearly hadn't (I'd seen her taking the pill most mornings over breakfast; it failed) and led to a lot of arguments between me and my Dad. It damaged the relationship between my wife and my parents for a long time (possibly still now). Mother is now DW, DD is four, DS (planned this time) is just over 1 and DD/S3 (again planned) is on the way. I can't imagine they don't regret the way they reacted! I'm not trying to attack you and hope it doesn't appear I am; I've been through this and know how scary it is to see something which is going to change your life completely, I know that at the time it can look like the change will ruin your life (DS's life) but it won't, and I can only imagine how helpless I would feel if that was one of my kids going through it, but be careful because this is possibly (probably) the mother of your child and whether DS and her are in a relationship you and DS are both going to want to be on as good a terms with her as possible. Your son needs you to love and support him and to let him make the choices himself and with the mother (he needs to get used to doing that). For what it's worth I think it's good your making these accusations here and (I hope) not to your DS and certainly not to the mother.
My advice is this;
1 - Until you have a DNA test assume this is DS's child. Let's assume a worse case scenario that this girl is a real piece of work and is with a different guy every night (which as others have pointed out you don't seem to have much evidence of). If DS slept with her, unprotected, at around the right time to conceive as you have suggested there's a fairly high chance that he's the father. If you later find out he's not when you've assumed he is then that will be easier to deal with than the other way around!
2 - Think carefully about asking for a DNA test and discuss this with your son. If it comes back showing he's the father it will still have damaged some important relationships and make the next 18 years far more difficult for you, DS and the mother. I'm not saying don't, but take time to calm down and think carefully about whether you really think this isn't DS's child before you react. On a related point FWIW I would want to be on the birth certificate and you may need to force a DNA test for this reason; this is of course different to forcing one to try to prove you aren't the father, but build a relationship with the mother before doing this, if she trusts DS she will hopefully put him on without this unpleasant fight.
3 - On a slightly more practical point your son needs to look into how this affects his student finance asap. I'm not sure exactly how it will work for you as I was living with my daughters mother but there are four things you need to ask them about;
a - Something called Adult Dependants Grant (although this is very unlikely to be relevant as it was only for married couples last time I checked, 2-3 years ago).
b - Child care grant; unlikely if he's not living with the child but ask.
c - Parents Learning Allowance; if your son was living with the child he would definitely get this, not sure otherwise, but if he's on the birth certificate and has formal support arrangements he might.
d - Independent Student Status; students over 26, or with a child, are assessed as independent students meaning your income won't be taken into account when working out his grants. Assuming you earn above the threshold for reducing levels of finance this makes a big difference so you need to look into it. Will probably need to be on the birth certificate.
A general warning, student finance will be difficult and they'll need lot's of evidence that you won't have until a while after the birth (things like the birth certificate). Submit things asap and send evidence as you have it rather than waiting to get the evidence to submit your claim.
Start asking now because they will take a long time to give you a straight answer, nag them until they give you a copy of their assessment criteria, they have it, their advisor's refer to it when making claims, and you are entitled to see it; the answers they give on the phone are as often as not made up and they refused to confirm it in writing because they know they're probably wrong and don't want you to have proof!
You need to find out soon because things like whether DS's gone through CSA and has a formal support arrangement and whether he's on the birth certificate will probably affect what he gets, so you need to find out in advance so you can (working in partnership with the mother) make sure DS get's all the money he is entitled to which he can use to support the child and mother. My guess is putting him on the birth certificate and having a formal CSA agreement will help you claim the money from student finance, and perhaps when you've built a stronger relationship with the mother this is something her and DS can discuss the benefits of.

I don't see what's wrong with having a DNA test, a woman knows for sure a baby is hers, a man doesn't. What happens if the father and child build a relationship and further down the line the woman decides to tell him that the child is not his after all... That would cause heartache for both the op's so. And the child. It's a difficult situation op and I do feel for you, but I think a DNA test and the CSA are the only way to go here.

most people have already agreed that DNA is needed.

but it shoukd be presented in a way that does not cause unneeded resentment and accusations

ie dont say 'i want a DNA test as I dont think its my sons and you are trying to trick him with your deliberate and whorish reputation'

I would let her register the birth without the sons name on the BC - then I would contact csa and say you want to provide financially for a child you think is yours but as their in no name on BC you need the DNA test and are willing to pay

then present it to her as 'so I am able to support the baby I have contacted csa and have put money aside but they need a DNA test to proceed because I am not on the birth certificate'

Thank you for all of your constructive comments. As with most situations, it is very difficult to predict how you would react unless you are in that situation yourself, i never thought i would be, naively of me maybe ? Please dont think that i am immature enough to listen to idle gossip about this girl, as i am not like that at all. I was brought up without a dad for a very long time, listened to my mother constantly slagging him off, and made own mind up about him, many years later and had a great relationship with him, so please believe me when i say i really dont want a bad situation and a baby to suffer because of this.
My son never had a relationship with this girl, and as i said earlier, very stupidly didnt use protection ! For whatever reason she didnt take the pill, and this has resulted, sadly.
Unfortunately in this world, there are girls that just want a baby, with or without a man in their lives, i just wanted the best possible start for any child, and crucify me if you want, but i believe that it should be with 2 people that love each other and can provide for them. Even if that relationship breaks down furthe down the line, at least that child knew it was created out of love, not by accident. I am sorry if my words offend anybody, it is not intended, as i have seen from some of my previous responses, it doesnt seem to be a problem.
Thank you

For what it's worth, I can totally see your point.

However, what a bunch of strangers thinks of you is, in the end, irrelevant. as long as you have had helpful advice to keep this is perspective for you. Must be really, really hard to sit and watch.

Thank you x

Hi Libby, I have pm,d you, and agree with shipwrecked, its a hard place to be in for you and your son xx

What shipwrecked said.

I've been the girl in that situation (massive double contraceptive failure though) and it's horrendous for everyone!!! Mind you I was 100% sure he was the father and he still got paternity testing done and it really hurt that he could think I was lying but I did understand his need to be sure with 18 years financial commitment ahead of him... Just wished he'd been interested in our dd tbh but that is his loss!

For all of you who are making a big thing about not being on the birth certificate, you do know that unless the boy turned up at the registrar, or there is a court order naming him, she can't put him on.

The OP has done a lot of back tracking and I hope she genuinely means it. Her original posts were horrible, referring to nasty gossip about this girl who had deliberately got pregnant to trap her unlucky son.

As for the girl not being grateful for stuff bought for her, well neither would I. It might be things she didn't want, didn't like, didn't need and like most people might prefer to buy what she wants nearer the time. If it was given in the spirit exhibited in the early posts I can understand why the girl might not want it.

Finally if the son isn't the father I hope OP will have a word with him about the need to behave like a responsible grown-up in the future so he doesn't get trapped again.

Sorry, I really found her posts very irritating. Like many AIBU she clearly expected the answer no.

You are entitled to your opinion caitlin17
Backtracking ?
The things he bought .... He went shopping with her. Nappies and boxes of wet wipes all of which he rang her to ask which ones ! Clothes that SHE wanted and demanded. So you are very wrong there, im afraid
Walk a day in his and my shoes and then give your very strong opinion, sorry.

FWIW this, being the mum of two Ds's (17 and 20) is my worst nightmare. If I have grandchildren I would like them to be brought into a loving and committed relationship not born to a girl they had no feelings for and who I may find it difficult to have a relationship with, not really having had the chance to get to know her first, meaning being involved in my grandchild's life would be harder. I know it happens and I know DS1 who talks to me about his life a lot more than ds2 uses condoms (not foolproof I know) so less likely to happen but in the situation you describe I don't think either of you will accept the situation and enjoy the child unless you are certain it is your son's. I would certainly press for a test just so I could go forward with trying to forge a relationship with the girl and the child. Then I would insist DS's name was on the certificate once proven and that he then support and bond with the child financially and emotionally.