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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that commenting on DS's small stature is NOT on?

83 replies

Azrael · 31/10/2013 21:53

We live in a building block and meet our neighbours regularly for dinners etc. They're nice, friendly, good cooks. DS is 19 months old and small (2nd percentile) but meets all his milestones perfectly (walking, talking, ...). I breastfed him for 8 months, he eats loads, his milk allergy is resolving. Neighours' DS is 14 months old and exactly the same height as our DS.

It took me hours of research and reading threads on mumsnet to understand that DS's current small stature is fine. He is growing slowly now but he will grow faster later. Maybe when he's 5 or 8 or 15 he'll have a growth spurt and will be a normal height (DP and I are both exactly the average height for a British male and female I found out!). I have stopped thinking that there is an issue with my child's height.

YET when my neighbour said the other day 'oh how cute both our kids are wearing the same cardigan, I think ours is actually even the same size because...' and there she let her voice trail and was on her way to the lift.

I don't think she meant to hurt me but she just couldn't help rubbing my nose in the, yes, currently oddly small stature of DS.

AIBU for thinking she totally lacks emotional intelligence and empathy?

I certainly wouldn't tell a parent of a child with say bad eczema on the face 'oh our son is wearing the same tshirt as yours but the colours suit him better because...'.

OP posts:

Mumraathenoisylion · 31/10/2013 21:56

You might need to get over it.

Both my dc's are very tall and people expect them to be much more advanced than they are. Let if float over your head, nod and smile.

Being 'normal' is also not something to brag about.

Sirzy · 31/10/2013 21:56

I am not sure why you are comparing it to excema? Strange!

I think you are being over sensitive. DS is very short for his age, it is who he is. People comment on it from the nurse who measured him at the hospital today to the random woman he chats to in asda. I laugh with my sister because he is the same size as my nephew who is 18 months younger.

I really wouldn't let it worry you.

Strumpetron · 31/10/2013 21:56

I don't think she was rubbing your nose in it at all to be honest OP. I understand it might be a bit of a sore point with you at the moment, maybe it's made you a bit touchy? Sorry touchy isn't the right word its a bit harsh

SantanaLopez · 31/10/2013 21:57

I think you are over-reacting. There's a difference between eczema and height.

You don't need anyone to 'empathise' with you because your DS is small.

phantomnamechanger · 31/10/2013 21:57

yes she is BU

but do please keep an eye on him - I have a DD who was always the smallest (I am only 5 ft 3 myself so we were not bothered)and it turned out, aged 5, that there was a medical reason for this that we did not know about! (coeliac disease)

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 31/10/2013 21:59

As a small person I think you are being totally ott.

It's not some kind of curse you know. It just is.

girliefriend · 31/10/2013 21:59

I'm guessing this is pfb?

You sound like you are being overly sensitive tbh, yes maybe she should shut up about it but yabu to let it bother you.

When my dd was born she was tiny and at the baby groups everyone commented on how small she was, it did annoy me a bit but

she is now flipping massive 7yo and very tall for her age, so really wasn't worth letting a few harmless comments bother me!!

Patchouli · 31/10/2013 22:01

It sounds like she stopped herself because she knows you're sensitive about it - not really 'rubbing your nose in it'.

Aethelfleda · 31/10/2013 22:01

Sympathy because it's obviously upset you, but I think YAB a tiny bit U... I think she realised you were upset and that's why she stopped. Mentioning that your DS is small is factually correct from what you've said, it doesn't sound to me as if she was gloating/teasing about it.

It's a bit like not being allowed to mention someone's (eg) skin colour when describing them to a stranger, and skirting around an obvious identifying feature while muttering that they have shoulder length hair and a slightly scuffed pair of shoes on.... If your DS is obviously small/short then that's an allowable description without automatically being critisism, surely? My DD has glasses but I'm not touchy if she's describe as wearing them as long as it's not in a mean way....

CoffeeTea103 · 31/10/2013 22:02

Yabu and ott.

xCupidStuntx · 31/10/2013 22:03

I think you're being a bit over sensitive, my DD is so tall for her age and everyone always comments on it but there's no badness in it, just surprise, general conversation the same way they'd say Oh her eyes are so blue etc.

Fakebook · 31/10/2013 22:03

Ugh I get this from my sil. My dn is 10 months younger than my DS and is already in the same size clothes as DS. My DS is almost 22m and is just about growing out of 18-24m sized clothes, so he's not exactly tiny. I'm constantly told how small he is and how her son is already in the same size clothes and that he eats everything and anything (my DS is not a big eater and doesn't do snacks either).

Really annoying when you have to keep hearing about it. I don't know what you mean by lack of empathy though ...

drawsofdrawers · 31/10/2013 22:04

Have my first grip.

< MN milestone >

dietcokeandwine · 31/10/2013 22:04

I think you are being a little oversensitive tbh. Though I can understand it - I have had the opposite end of the spectrum with DS1 being very tall for his age and people always comment on it and I do find it frustrating at times. It's not always easy but you have to try and let it wash over you. Rarely are people trying to be malicious, or massively lacking in emotional empathy - they are just making conversation.

HopLittleFroggiesHopSkipJump · 31/10/2013 22:05

It honestly doesn't matter, I've had people comment on DD being long, thin, having lots of hair, having a small head, being small, big, whatever the person observes. It's not meant as an insult just observations!

utreas · 31/10/2013 22:05

YABU and very silly.

PeppiNephrine · 31/10/2013 22:05

yabu. People comment on everything, its just small talk, its meaningless.
I have a tiny child, people obviously notice it and sometimes mention it. Just like they notice and mention how cute he is, how clever etc. Just like they notice and mention how tall his brother is, or how different he looks to his sister......

So he's small.So what? Its not a protected characteristic, and making it something to be sensitive about and not to mentioned makes it something weird, you're only achieving the opposite of what you actually want.

HootyMcOwlface · 31/10/2013 22:06

Ah, I struggle with this too. My boy is just under a year but he was premature and is still titchy. I got told off by a checkout lady for buying toddler meals (12Mn+) because he's too young for them, and another time got a comment about how he's too young to be at a certain class etc.. I have to keep laughing it off but its so annoying.
We just have to carry on ignoring them, our DC are doing just fine

Catsize · 31/10/2013 22:07

Someone has to be on the second centile OP. I think I am probably on the 99th, which isn't great either. Son is tall and looks a year older than he is, without the cognitive ability. There are worse things to worry about, surely?

AlexaChelsea · 31/10/2013 22:07

Ah, I'm sorry OP, you are BU and oversensitive. I'm guess pfb.

My DS is really small for his age - oldest in his class but the smallest, smaller than both my newphews who are 1 and 2 years younger than him, smaller than most average 7yo's in fact, and he's 9. People comment on it all the time. Whatever, literally doesn't matter.

He jokes about it, we joke about it, he's just a bit small. Who cares?

Catchhimatwhat · 31/10/2013 22:08

Commenting that a child is small or tall isn't really rude, just factual! It might get boring I imagine, if you have a tiny one or a giant, but I can't imagine anyone trying to upset a mum by saying their child was short or tall, or rub their nose in anything.

AlexaChelsea · 31/10/2013 22:10

Oh, and DH is is 6'7 (and huge, he's a pro sports player and built like a bodybuilder) and gets commented on it, all the time. Again, who cares?

TheOneAndOnlyAlpha · 31/10/2013 22:10

Yes, as annoying as it is, just try and ignore it. I'm 4.11.5 5 foot and get random people telling me I'm small. I have a family member, male, who was very slight and short until about year 11. Then when I saw him 6 months later he had turned into a great hulking, 6 foot MAN.

HaroldLloyd · 31/10/2013 22:11

I dont think its a fair comparison to ezcema.

My DS is very small, 9th centile. But thats still in a totally normal range, theres nothing actually wrong with him.

We get comments like oh hes small isnt he, etc etc and it dosent bother me. His friend is on the 75th centile and they look comical together, and she gets ooo hes big all the time.

My DS2 is 2nd centile as well. They are just smaller children.

There are plus sides, people think he is a spectacularly talented 12 month old, and clothes fit for ages!

mercibucket · 31/10/2013 22:12

this is all you and your sensitivity not her being insensitive

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