To feel annoyed about him changing our moving in together date again

[yayforspring]

Hi all, have been with my OH for over 2 years now. We had a huge row over him being uncertain about me in June and got back together as he said he'd realised he loved me and wanted to live with me. We chose his house together as our future home and he was talking about me moving in with him in Autumn. I have mentioned a few times since and been met with "when the time is right". It's now nearly Nov and I'm wondering what the heck is going on. Getting fed up of my tiny room in a houseshare where I have been waiting for him. I went to see a flat today with just one other person as a possibility because I'm unhappy in current place. When I mention this to him he's really happy and encouraging me and saying he was thinking maybe realistically we would live together next summer. I just feel he is a total commitment phobe. I got really angry and said we needed a break. He said if I can't wait for him until summer then I don't really love him. I feel like I've waited ages already and he keeps changing his mind :-( hate it all being on his terms. What do you think?

If someone said that to me, after 2 years, then I would think that they saw me as ok for now but not as the person they saw themselves growing old with. If they saw themselves growing old with anyone. Not everyone wants to pair up, slipper up and settle down. Maybe that's not for him.

For whatever reason, he doesn't want to live with you. That's his right and it would be wrong of you to try to put pressure on him. You don't want to live with someone who isn't madly excited to be living with you, do you? Oh god, she's backed me into a corner ok then, I suppose I'll have to. I don't (feel like I) have a choice does not lead to happy ever after! If he says ok now, how will you know that he wanted to and not that he felt you'd put him in a position where he felt like he had no choice?

But you don't have to accept that and stay with him. That's where you have control. Not over him but over you. If it isn't what you want. If you want to settle down with someone and that isn't what he wants - maybe that means there's an incompatibility there.

But make no mistake about it - anyone who keeps moving the goalposts, anyone who is fending off their partner with maybe later, in a while, need to think, in a year, when the time is right, in the fullness of time, when the stars are in alignment, when the bones fall just right ... is telling you loud and clear that they don't want to. So listen to them and decide if that's ok with you or if you want to cut them loose and find someone who wants what you want.

OP, since you haven't denied my first thoughts about you previously posting about this relationship, I'm guessing that you are the same person.

If that's the case and if you don't see how this will end up, I fear you never will. You'll always be there on the sidelines waiting for any scraps of affection he can show you because you think that is better than nothing.

If this is the guy who:-

-only allows you a certain number of nights a week to see him

-who plans to retire in 10 years even though you want to have a young family by then

-who books fabulous holidays, to places you want to go to, in the school holidays without even telling you beforehand

-Who sold his bachelor pad and still bought a house on his own, knowing that you want to move in with him

Surely you can see the pattern here.

Your posts stand out as this really isn't how a relationship should be.

If it is you who has posted the reverse thread in Relationships, I think that is another sign of you just clutching at straws. No one else's opinion on this matter, only your boyfriends opinion, and he has made it pretty clear how he feels.

Can't you see that he just keeps stringing you along? What is going to miraculously change between now and the summer? Nothing, but it just buys him time.

What happens if he does eventually agree to you moving in? You will start this whole convincing malarkey over having children or getting married and that will continue for a few more years and before you know it, you'll be at an age where having children might not be so easy.

A relationship shouldnt be a constant battle to get him to want the same things you do. It also should make you feel so constantly insecure. Walk away and start a new life with someone who already wants the same things you do.

Everyone is telling you the same thing. Please listen.

You don't know what its like to have your partner madly in love with you and excitedly making plans for the future together, or feeling so secure and happy in your partners love. But most (if not all) of the people who replied to you do. You deserve to feel all of that, not forcing a man who just doesn't feel that way about you.

You can do so much better.

I'm so sorry op, but I agree with everyone else. Cut yourself free now before you waste any more time!

I know how hard it is when you've invested time in something. But you are only 30 so you have plenty of time to find yourself someone who IS into you! You deserve that - not this half relationship all on his terms.

I was single and worried about it until I was 33 - I met my DH online - in a year we were living together, the year after married and the year after that we had our son. When its right there are NO questions and messing around. You just do it.

Look after yourself.

OP, I seem to remember some of your boyfriend's other endearing qualities include being tight fisted and continuing to see other women well into your relationship because you weren't 'exclusive'

Can't you see he has had a completely different agenda to you since day 1?

You are completely compromising your own happiness for this bell end.

Move into the flat you've seen and move on with your life.