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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel annoyed about him changing our moving in together date again

105 replies

yayforspring · 31/10/2013 20:39

Hi all, have been with my OH for over 2 years now. We had a huge row over him being uncertain about me in June and got back together as he said he'd realised he loved me and wanted to live with me. We chose his house together as our future home and he was talking about me moving in with him in Autumn. I have mentioned a few times since and been met with "when the time is right". It's now nearly Nov and I'm wondering what the heck is going on. Getting fed up of my tiny room in a houseshare where I have been waiting for him. I went to see a flat today with just one other person as a possibility because I'm unhappy in current place. When I mention this to him he's really happy and encouraging me and saying he was thinking maybe realistically we would live together next summer. I just feel he is a total commitment phobe. I got really angry and said we needed a break. He said if I can't wait for him until summer then I don't really love him. I feel like I've waited ages already and he keeps changing his mind :-( hate it all being on his terms. What do you think?

OP posts:
Aniseeda · 31/10/2013 22:33

He's got it all just how he likes it hasn't he.

He's got his cake and he's eating it.

Dump him.

damejudydench · 31/10/2013 22:36

I was in the same situation. In fact, the age gap was identical. I waited until my Birthday, summer, after the holiday, Christmas... It was never going to happen.

Please move and don't give him your new address. At 30 (if you want marriage and children) you need to be getting on with it not waiting for a half wit to make up his mind if you're 'the one'.

Jolleigh · 31/10/2013 22:39

I suppose you're right actually hippo - slight case of baby brain here, sorry. By backing away though, I reckon OP will learn more by doing this on a more basic level...not calling a while, neglecting to answer the phone sometimes, being unavailable when he wants to see her...

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 31/10/2013 22:45

Ditch that zero and find yourself a hero.

uhOhOhDear · 31/10/2013 22:46

Op dump him. I went out with a similar man. Force him to live with you, then coerce him into kids/marriage etc. I gave up on mine after six wasted years, though I have one wonderful dc. He will never change (in my experience anyway).

Strumpetron · 31/10/2013 22:48

Aw OP :(

really sorry for you. Can't believe you're stuck in a house share when your 'partner' has a nice house you could be in.

You need to LTB. Sorry, I hardly ever say that but he's being a prick.

Original poster
yayforspring · 31/10/2013 22:57

Ok. Have told him I'm moving out on nov 17, could either be in with him or into the new place (and start a new life). That way he makes the decision. Yes if he chooses for me to live with him I'll never know if he caved in or not, but I feel like he needs to make the decision not me, and be honest about "not being that into me" if that is the case. Appreciate this is all a bit dramatic and putting him under pressure but I am getting a bit annoyed with him calling the shots and me just sitting and waiting. He's not ever lived with someone before and I know he's worried about it, I wonder if I don't push him if it will ever happen.

OP posts:
Jolleigh · 31/10/2013 22:59

Keep us updated. How soon are you expecting an answer?

Original poster
yayforspring · 31/10/2013 23:00

His reasons for not moving in together are that he doesn't think the relationship is strong enough yet

OP posts:
Original poster
yayforspring · 31/10/2013 23:01

I told him I need to put deposit down in the next few days and that he should sleep on it. I'll let you know :-/ not expecting positive really.

OP posts:
hippo123 · 31/10/2013 23:01

Good call. What has he Said?

hippo123 · 31/10/2013 23:03

Not strong enough yet, after. 2 years ,at his age? Seriously, ltb, and that's the first time I've ever said that.

Mabelface · 31/10/2013 23:04

You've still got him calling the shots and you're now still sitting and waiting for him to make a decision. You need to make that decision yourself.

Original poster
yayforspring · 31/10/2013 23:04

He hasn't said anything yet which is good. I want him to think over it for a while

OP posts:
Jolleigh · 31/10/2013 23:05

Sounds like an excuse to me OP. You're obviously in very different places. How do you feel about his answer?

Original poster
yayforspring · 31/10/2013 23:06

My decision was that I love him and want to live with him and stop messing around in houseshares. But I can't act on that decision without him agreeing

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 31/10/2013 23:06

If a relationship isn't strong enough after a couple of years, I would say it's unlikely he'll ever feel it is. Even if he does give in, you'll be dragging him kicking and screaming towards every big life changing event, e.g. children (if that's what you want). After a few years, your ego will be shot to pieces.

Strumpetron · 31/10/2013 23:06

OP you're still letting him make all the decisions. It's still up to him. The thing is you're having to pressurise him into making a decision, it shouldn't be like that. If he does chose to 'let' you move in, he;s going to end up resenting it, further down the line he'll blame you.

I'm only tellingyou this because I genuinely feel for you, he shouldn't have to be pushed. You sound lovely and he should WANT to live with you without being forced into it. If he can't make that decision for himself he's not worth it. You're worth more than that!

Viviennemary · 31/10/2013 23:07

That is the basic trouble. He is very happy to continue the way things are and you're not. You can't make him change to want what you want but you have control over what you do. I'd move into the new flat as you are unhappy with where you are living now. And wouldn't bank on him wanting you to move in next summer.

YouAreMyRain · 31/10/2013 23:08

He is wasting your time.

He has never lived with anyone.

He is 40.

He is delaying you moving in and stringing you along.

He will never live with anyone.

Original poster
yayforspring · 31/10/2013 23:08

I agree that we have had some arguments and could be happier. But I think a lot of my unhappiness stems from feeling like he's not sure about me. So I think if he was all keen about us living together we would be a lot stronger as a couple

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 31/10/2013 23:09

I wouldn't do it. It's supposed to be something you're both excited about and both really want. If he really has to think that much and thinks your relationship isn't strong enough after all this time then bollocks to him.

Strumpetron · 31/10/2013 23:10

OP you need that strength and happiness before you move in. The most perfect of couples come to a fall when they move in together, it's a big test. If you're not the happiest now I don't think you will be if you move in together.

Dont sell yourself short. x

He's forty and sounds like a child

Jolleigh · 31/10/2013 23:10

But honey, he is unsure. If he was sure, you'd be living together.

RandomMess · 31/10/2013 23:12

I'd break it off with him, move into the new place, spend some time dating again. Give it 6 months before considering get back together with him for him to grow up.

I honestly think he's happy the way things are and doesn't want to settle down and have dc.

He isn't excited about you moving in is he? You will forever feel a bit unwanted tbh.

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