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Original poster

To feel annoyed about him changing our moving in together date again

105 replies

yayforspring · 31/10/2013 20:39

Hi all, have been with my OH for over 2 years now. We had a huge row over him being uncertain about me in June and got back together as he said he'd realised he loved me and wanted to live with me. We chose his house together as our future home and he was talking about me moving in with him in Autumn. I have mentioned a few times since and been met with "when the time is right". It's now nearly Nov and I'm wondering what the heck is going on. Getting fed up of my tiny room in a houseshare where I have been waiting for him. I went to see a flat today with just one other person as a possibility because I'm unhappy in current place. When I mention this to him he's really happy and encouraging me and saying he was thinking maybe realistically we would live together next summer. I just feel he is a total commitment phobe. I got really angry and said we needed a break. He said if I can't wait for him until summer then I don't really love him. I feel like I've waited ages already and he keeps changing his mind :-( hate it all being on his terms. What do you think?

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 31/10/2013 21:19

I'm sure he's very fond of you and enjoys your company, but I don't think he sees you as a long term thing.

Painful as it may be, you have to finish with him and move on. He may be a commitment phobe, or he may just not want to live with you. Do you want marriage and babies? If so, how long will it take you to persuade him to do that? If a man loves you, he will be keen to live with you. Forget what you hear about men always being less keen than women to commit - that's never been my experience, and I'm no goddess!

When you do eventually split up with him for good, you'll wonder why you stuck with him for so long.

Actually, this is sounding quite familiar, now I think about it. Did you post a few months ago; something about him wanting to retire early? Sorry if I've got the wrong poster.

Original poster
yayforspring · 31/10/2013 21:20

Fair points everyone. I do feel that he loves me. He says he is really happy how things are. So it's is pretty hard to chuck it away. But I am not happy (because I don't feel an certainty from him about our future) so can't keep going on either. Grr.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 31/10/2013 21:22

If you want marriage and children do not waste more time with him, he clearly doesn't want committment and to settle down not now and not in the foreseeable future.

PeppiNephrine · 31/10/2013 21:23

He might love you. But not that much, clearly.

NotYoMomma · 31/10/2013 21:25

he's just not that into you

Gryffindor · 31/10/2013 21:28

He doesn't want to live with you. He might quite like you, but he doesn't care whether you are with him or not. He doesn't love you. I don't usually say this, but LTB.

KittensoftPuppydog · 31/10/2013 21:29

Run. At that age he should know what he wants. Sorry,but he doesnt want you enough.
All the best.
Find someone who is crazy about you. You have time. He doesn't.

Bonsoir · 31/10/2013 21:37

Tell him the date when you are moving in. Take control of the situation.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 31/10/2013 21:37

He's 40, he's old enough to know what he wants by now and it isn't living with you.

If he wanted to live with you he would. What reason has he got to delay? Apart from putting it off as he's just not that into you. Sorry.

DorothyBastard · 31/10/2013 21:43

If he respected you he wouldn't string you along.

AnyoneforTurps · 31/10/2013 21:48

You love him more than he loves you. Sorry.

I know that's a miserable situation (been there, got the scars). But in the long-run, you will be so much happier if you dump him and find someone who loves you on equal terms. Marriages/long-term relationships where one partner is much keener than the other are never, ever happy.

hippo123 · 31/10/2013 21:50

Oh he does love you, and he is happy with how things are. But that's the problem isn't it? He's happy with how things are ie - you living apart. I presume you want kids etc at some point in the near future? Honestly, he won't change and you'll be a fool for waiting.

lagoonhaze · 31/10/2013 21:53

Seen too many friends childless after being ditched by men like him.

Move on.

Bearbehind · 31/10/2013 21:55

Total de ja vu here. OP is your boyfriend the teacher who bogs off abroad without you on his school holidays and plans to retire at 50 regardless of your thoughts??

If he is, I can't believe you still believe his lies.

If he isn't, listen to everyone else on this thread- you don't want the same things.

sittinginthesun · 31/10/2013 21:55

I think he's just stringing you along too. Sorry, but I wouldn't waste another second either - dump him, try and get your own flat, move on.

Jolleigh · 31/10/2013 22:00

The thing is, if he now 'comes round to your way of thinking' then you'll end up moving in and constantly wondering whether you're actually wanted there or if he just caved.

I'd go with the earlier suggestion of backing off him for a bit and gauging his reaction. If he let's you back away easily, leave him and move on OP because that's not commitment issues...it's disregard.

Jolleigh · 31/10/2013 22:01

Angry stray apostrophe there. Predictive text is a bitch.

SweetSkull · 31/10/2013 22:10

He may say he loves you but pay attention to his actions.
Perhaps you are not the type of person who says 'I Love you" if you don't mean it, but do you realise but plenty of people just say it but don't mean it?
Dump him before he dumps you for someone else.

Lariflete · 31/10/2013 22:10

I hate to say it but I think you should leave him. My sister was in this situation for 5 years and ended it recently. She said that she wished she'd known / accepted years earlier that he wouldn't change as it would have been easier to get over and she could have been spending time getting on with her own life.
Please don't waste your life hoping that he will change because he won't Sad

hippo123 · 31/10/2013 22:10

He has let her back away easy jolleigh, by letting her move into bother place rather than his.

SanityClause · 31/10/2013 22:12

He may well love you, but I don't think you want the same things.

I think you have to move on. Maybe he will decide he really does want to commit, if you do that, but maybe he won't. But he's not committing now, and you are not going to meet the man who will, while you are waiting for him to decide

hippo123 · 31/10/2013 22:12

Another, not bother!

SanityClause · 31/10/2013 22:13

Sorry, missed the full stop. "." < there!

Bearbehind · 31/10/2013 22:24

I'm convinced this is the same OP who has previously posted about her commitment-phobe partner under varying names.

Is he the bloke who rations you to a certain number of nights a week to meet up?

I might be wrong but if I'm not, the reason this rings so many bells is that this is not normal.

It stands out a mile as a normal relationship just happens. You don't make a diary appointment to move in together - it's just what you both want.

OP, read the signs- HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

FannyMcNally · 31/10/2013 22:32

What's his reasons for putting off the moving in? Sorry if you've already said this only I couldn't find it.

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