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Original poster

To feel annoyed about him changing our moving in together date again

105 replies

yayforspring · 31/10/2013 20:39

Hi all, have been with my OH for over 2 years now. We had a huge row over him being uncertain about me in June and got back together as he said he'd realised he loved me and wanted to live with me. We chose his house together as our future home and he was talking about me moving in with him in Autumn. I have mentioned a few times since and been met with "when the time is right". It's now nearly Nov and I'm wondering what the heck is going on. Getting fed up of my tiny room in a houseshare where I have been waiting for him. I went to see a flat today with just one other person as a possibility because I'm unhappy in current place. When I mention this to him he's really happy and encouraging me and saying he was thinking maybe realistically we would live together next summer. I just feel he is a total commitment phobe. I got really angry and said we needed a break. He said if I can't wait for him until summer then I don't really love him. I feel like I've waited ages already and he keeps changing his mind :-( hate it all being on his terms. What do you think?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 31/10/2013 23:15

I don't know of course. But I think it's quite possible that even if you do move in you will still be insecure in your relationship. Because it will be his house. I think you need to maintain your independence and not rely on him to provide your future happiness and security.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/10/2013 23:16

"His reasons for not moving in together are that he doesn't think the relationship is strong enough yet"
Yet? After two years? Sorry, but that's just tosh. A delaying tactic. Stringing you along. He wants to keep things as they are now, and your wishes don't seem to matter to him.

" He says he is really happy how things are."
Yes, he is really happy keeping it as it is now. He's telling you who he is when he said that, you need to LISTEN. Even if he does 'choose' for you to move in with him in November, maybe you should choose not to. He really does not sound like a keeper Sad.

WarmFuzzyFuture · 31/10/2013 23:26

Jolleigh has hit the nail on the head. If he were sure you wouldn't be issuing ultimatums and have all this angst.

hippo123 · 31/10/2013 23:36

But he's not 'all keen' is he op. Seriously, Listen to what he's saying / doing.

GoshAnneGorilla · 01/11/2013 01:04

OP, you are getting good advice here. Do not be letting this weak-arse hold all the power in your life, stop letting him set the agenda.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/11/2013 01:12

Flip it round for a minute and ask yourself why you are so desperate to force a commitment out of this man. Life is actually much nice without committed relationships. I am nearly 50 and have never been married or lived with a partner, and I'm rather proud of that.

Sure, some people like to live with partners and get married and it's all jolly nice, but plenty more find themselves in grim situations with arseholes. Trying to force someone to love you and 'wearing down the resistance' is never going to end well: make a nice home for yourself and let him get on with his life.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/11/2013 01:48

He does this about moving in, he will do it about marriage and then about kids. Don't be the woman whose eggs shrivel up waiting forever for him.

Pigsmummy · 01/11/2013 06:13

Has he bought a property and you are house sharing? If so could he be worried about financial implications?

comingintomyown · 01/11/2013 06:25

I wouldnt want to move in with someone who has agreed to it because they have been given an ultimatum as I would feel I had foisted myself on them.

ScreamsInTheNight · 01/11/2013 06:34

My DP was like this. Albeit he was 30s and I was in my 20s. Took him 5 years and an ultimatum before I moved in. We are still together nearly 20 years on, have DS and are happy. He was worried about financial implications and is just generally a cautious slow moving person. I gave him as long as I could, but in the end had to pressure him to make his mind up. Good luck to you, think what you are doing is right.

daisychain01 · 01/11/2013 06:35

Yayforspring I am sad on your behalf, it should not be about you having to make an ultimatum. If it feels wrong, if there isn't any joy in the situation, then there likely never will be. Your partner (sorry I cant call him 'D') isn't committed and probably wont be at this rate.

Please see the writing on the wall, because even if the two of you do end up together, it does not necessarily follow he will ever emotionally commit to you. Its the most lonely feeling in the world to be with someone who isnt truly 'there with you' Sad

daisychain01 · 01/11/2013 06:48

Screams, your story has a happy ending (lovely!) but for every one of you there are sadly many many people who don't see the writing on the wall and commit to someone who is emotionally detached, and is too gutless to sort it out.

Surely if this chap has concerns about finances, he has a tongue in his head, he should grow a pair and sit down with his partner and discuss things together. If he can't get his act together now, what hope is there for their future?

solidgold I do like your style. Brilliant, I totally agree, I wouldn't compromise when it comes to life partnerships. I enjoyed living on my own for many years, saw my friends, male and female, marry, divorce, remarry, live together, all that, being with losers who didn't deserve their love!

Locketjuice · 01/11/2013 07:08

If you wasn't SO in to him you could see this without your rose tinted glasses and realise you really are being pulled along Hmm

I think you need to step back, get your own place, stop letting him call the shots and cool it down, if he really loves you/can't live without you which is how it should feel, he will come back to you, y'know-
Treat 'em mean, keep them keen!

Skygirls · 01/11/2013 07:16

I just posted on another thread which suspiciously sounds the same as this but from the blokes pov

Don't know how to link but it's in relationships with 'My girlfriend is pressuring me to move in...

Anyway, yay, as others have said, he doesn't sound that into you.

Maybe he thinks you're not 'The One'. Of course he's happy to see you and have the 'perks' of having a gf as long as it doesn't change up a gear.

You have to ask yourself and him, after 2 years ( which is long enough to know whether you are compatible etc IMO), why he says he doesn't feel the relationship is strong enough.

TBH I wouldn't waste my time. You need to get on with your life and find someone who has no second thoughts about wanting you in their life.

FWIW, my now DH, when we'd only been dating 4 months, gave me keys to his place totally unprompted. He was in his 40s and me in my 30s, and I had my own flat (so no need to move in iyswim).

I'm all for giving things a fair go, but I think here you should move on and let him go.

Sorry for your situation, but I don't think he'll ever commit to you. Thanks

glastocat · 01/11/2013 07:18

Run away very fast.

Skygirls · 01/11/2013 07:20

Here's the link
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1898261-Girlfriend-keeps-pressuring-me-to-move-in?msgid=42666169#thread

yay did you write that one too to see if posts would different if written from the male pov?

ovenbun · 01/11/2013 07:27

The thing is you could have so much more, you shouldn't be in the position where you have to give him ultimatums. If he was that interested he'd want to claim you as his own and spend time together. He should be excited about having the chance to move in with you, not giving you utter bullshit excuses like the relationship isn't strong enough. The only thing that isn't strong enough are his feelings for you, otherwise why would he dawdle along keeping his options open. I'm sure There are loads of blokes out there who would feel lucky to have you as a partner, and treat you so much better. He sounds like a cat playing with a mouse, is that the way you want to be treated for the rest of your life?

livinginwonderland · 01/11/2013 07:28

OP, you're still letting him call the shots. If he wanted to live with you, you'd be living there now. You've been together two years, not two months. He doesn't want to live with you and he knows it, he just doesn't have the balls to say it to your face.

If he's hesitating over this, he'll hesitate over getting engaged, getting married and having kids. You'll become more and more miserable and you'll feel more trapped living with someone who doesn't want the same things you do.

Believe me, if he wanted to live with you, he'd have asked and you'd have moved in. DP asked me to live with him after a month! I didn't move in that quickly but he always said he knew after that first month that he wanted to marry me and have a family, and this from a man who, on our first date, said he would never marry again. Don't let him string you along - go find a man who wants the same things as you do. You deserve it.

MusicalEndorphins · 01/11/2013 07:28

I think you'd be best off if you move somewhere else, and just date him. Since he hasn't committed in all this time, maybe you should tell him you don't want to be exclusive. There are other men out there, you don't need to hang onto his ankle pleading. You are looking for serious and committed relationship, if he doesn't want that, for whatever reason, move on.

Cabrinha · 01/11/2013 07:56

Well, he's obviously not into you.
But you've mentioned several times that you're fed up with your house share.
Do you want him, or his nice house?

paperlantern · 01/11/2013 08:12

whether he's just not that into you or loves you HE DOESN'T WANT TO LIVE WITH YOU.

forcing the issue may work but it is just as likely that it works in the short term not the long term.

sometimes it can be difficult to tell a partner something just isn't going to happen, particularly actually if you are happy and don't want the relationship to end.

It is inherently selfish. I also think that unless you want and are happy with the casual relaxed status quo, run.

he does have some sympathy from me. I know full well I am very unlikely to want to live with someone on a full time basis.

WearingAnUmbrellaHat · 01/11/2013 08:15

He doesn't want to live with you. I have been with my bf for 5 months (although knew each other for a year previously) and will be looking to purchase a house together when we get back from holiday next August. We talk about it all the time and I am in no doubt that it will happen.

Blu · 01/11/2013 08:24

Who knows what is going I with him , he has committment issues, he genuinely moves cautiously, he has a different view of what a relationship is, he is very independent and likes his space or he has issues around some aspect of all this. Whatever it is, how can you possibly feel happy about any situation that arises from an ultimatum? How can he? An ultimatum almost automatically blights the ending.

He is making his position clear. You can't force someone to go further in a relationship than they want. You need to look at what the relationship is now and decide whether that will make you happy for the rest if your life. If not, stop ducking responsibility by imagining that things might be different next year or whenever and deferring the decision, and admit that this relationship is not giving you what you want a d need.

Kiwiinkits · 01/11/2013 08:52

FFS.
Go to Amazon, buy the book He's Just Not That Into You. Read it. NOW.

I think a lot of my unhappiness stems from feeling like he's not sure about me.

It shouldn't feel like that after two years. Really. It shouldn't.

Kiwiinkits · 01/11/2013 08:54

BTW, he's not going to say it to your face "I'm not that into you, darling". But he's saying it all the time with his actions.