FUCKING WING CHUN

[Reality]

THIS IS A RANT.

DH does this martial art thing. All power to him. Hobbies are great, yadda yadda.

But about a year ago he joined a second class, and said he'd do that every other week. Our weekdays are mad anyway; cubs, Scouts, gymnastics, music lessons (he teaches). So every other week he is out twice a week until 10pm, and the rest of the week is busy until about 8.30 anyway.

Only, in the last few months he's gone EVERY week. He has said this is to prepare for his next grading, which is fine, but I am pretty much on my knees at the moment and I feel like we barely see each other lately. I'm off today but we both work ft, him 7-3 and me 9-5.30.

I didn't see him last night or this morning, I took the older DC to see Thor, he went to Wing Chun and my mum came and sat with DS2. We didn't get back until midnight and he was asleep, and he left for work before I got up this morning.

I spoke to my mum earlier re Halloween, this year as every year we are going to hers for tea and to dress up and answer the door etc.

Oh, she said, your DH isn't coming because he has Wing Chun. Righty-oh. He doesn't actually go until 7, he gets in from work at 3.30 so I'm not sure what the problem is.

'Has he broached his grading with you yet?' said Mum. No, I havent' seen him. Oh she said, well he's booked it, it's on your birthday.

Oh no it fucking isn't. Gradings are held miles away, they take the whole day, my birthday is the Saturday before Christmas and there is no fucking way he's fucking off all day to ponce about doing this.

I am RAGING. I know there are worse things blah blah blah but I put up with him sidelining stuff like other people's birthdays, school plays etc for Wing Chun but not my fucking birthday, and not the Saturday before Christmas.

He can do the grading in six months. He's spent the last few months saying he doesn't feel ready for it anyway (hence the extra classes).

AIBU? I know I'm not btw but I am venting so I don't screech at him as soon as he walks through the door. And I'm tired as after the late showing of Thor (we were supposed to see the 7pm showing but it sold out) DS2 got up at 6.45 or so.

Give it to me, vipers.

God that was long.

Basically, AIBU to not want to spend my birthday (which is the weekend before Christmas) looking after all three kids on my own while most likely doing all the last minute Christmas shopping and food prep while he tarts about doing pretend fighting all day.

He really really isn't a wanker.

But he has fucked me off with this.

You should send him a long ranty email saying you've just found out via your own mother that he's booked the test on your birthday and he'd better have a really good explanation as to 1)Why? and 2)How come your mother knew before you, and 3)What he's going to do to a)cancel and rebook or b)make it up to you in a big, and I mean HUGE way.

At least thats what I would do

Actually I would find it very difficult not to scream down the phone at him but thats not very constructive is it?

Well he does sound like a wanker...

So not sure what you want from this thread?

Why did he tell your mum about not going to Halloween dinner before he told you? There should at least be very regular texts/phone calls between you if you're not seeing each other regularly to talk about stuff.

And I can't tell whether he's a wanker overall, but it is very wankerish to be away on your birthday without even discussing it with you.

I think that's fair. Gradings can always be delayed, they happen regularly. I have delayed a few myself due to work or injury.

He has grading frenzy OP, it happens a lot. Nothing else matters and you go all pointy and focused.

Do you want some martial arts advice for him? Tell him it is not about the destination, but instead about the journey. If that doesn't work go for "it doesn't matter which route you take or how long it takes you as long as you keep your goal in sight and work towards it".

Other than that I'm out of zen logic, apart from "no biting on the mats" and "fear does not exist in this dojo".

What the fuck is Wing Chun , sounds like a starter from the local takeaway ,

I'd be seething and would ask him to reconsider.

Is he becoming rather obsessed by it now?

What a twat.

He got back last night, mum was here minding ds2, she said we'll see you tomorrow for Halloween, he said, not me, I'm going to wing chun. And I imagine he told her about the grading in conversation, but as I said I haven't seen him because we got back late and he leaves at sparrows fast for work.

He'll be home in an hour and hopefully I can talk to him sensibly about it. I am very hurt though, I have to say. He is a wonderful bloke but he does have form for prioritising stuff (gigs, wing chun) over my stuff. Family meals for instance, he's missed family parties because he's double booked gigs and things. He will very rarely back down over this so if he's actually booked his grading I'm fucked.

Ugh typos. Phone.

bloody hell do you ever actually get to spend any time together?

i'd be really fucked off too - sounds like the last straw for you. I also find it odd he's communicating more wiht your Mum than you. Was he scared to tell you because he knows he's BU?

I will confess i really laughed at while he tarts about doing pretend fighting all day.

I do like your thread title btw :) This sounds like it's the last straw - he needs to start considering YOU in his plans.

Last straw for you putting up with this kind of thoughtlessness I mean - I'm not saying LTB!

No way he has planned a surprise and lied about Wing Chun being on the date of your Burthday?

Sounds to.me as if ypu both could do with a long weekend away, just the two of you.

To be clear my advice was to be used to appease his ego when he finds out there is no way he is grading that day. Just realised I didn't make that clear.

I would not be so fussed about the birthday (birthdays have been very different since having DC!), but more about the Xmas weekend which should be making decorations and cookies AND the amount of time he spends on his hobby during the week.

LTB (grin)

Can't believe it's twenty posts in and no one's suggested you book a spa day

Book a spa day

No advice Reality but just wanted to share some empathy. I would be livid to at his wankishness insensitivity. I know you say he is wonderful but he does sound a bit selfish, especially as this doesn't seem to be a one off and you already know he won't back down.

If you can't come first on your birthday then when can you? (why does that sound rude?!)

Also we share the same birthday