aibu regarding my toddlers behaviour

[mennie1980]

Hi all. Long time lurker, first time poster.

This afternoon I was upstairs sorting Laundry and my 2.10 year old son starting throwing lots of toys over the stair gate onto the stairs.

I went down stairs and told him off and explained how dangerous is was and how mummy could trip and hurt herself.

He said I want you to fall down the stairs and break your leg. I told him this was a horrible thing to say and asked him to apologise. He refused. So I told him our planned activities this afternoon, making cakes and the park were cancelled and no toys or TV this afternoon just drawing. He screamed the place down and cried himself to sleep.

He is now sleeping peacefully and I am wondering if I have been unreasonable.

He is adopted and our first and only child and not been with us very long so this is all so new and scary and today has been a dreadful day.

I wouldn't take SW opinion on parenting as necessarily the best
Some of them may have good advice but they are not usually adoptive parents
The rewards/sanction parenting style is not IMO the best for an adopted child. That doesn't have to mean lack of boundaries
I think they benefit from an attachment style parenting
I love the Alfie Kohn book - Unconditional Parenting. It makes so much sense
Congratulations on your placement, I totally understand how you feel sleep deprived, all my therapeutic skill go out of the window with lack of sleep

Can't I just say I hadn't planned to remove all toys activited etc all afternoon, just until he said sorry.

This means that if he didn't say sorry, then you would have to go ahead with your plan. That is an awful lot of responsibility to put onto a 2 year-old. And still 4 punishments for the single offence of refusing to apologise - which, thankfully, weren't enforced at the end of the day - seems excessive.

Nobody thinks you are a monster, or even a bad mum, but while the FM sounds unbelievably slack in her parenting, I think you might be going a bit too far in the opposite direction in trying to enforce discipline. I wonder if, because your DS is so articulate, you have expectations of him that might be more appropriate for an older child.

I agree with others that a forced apology from a 2-year-old is pretty meaningless (I don't blame you, I blame that supernanny!) Also, children this age do say things they don't mean, or have no concept of the meaning of, and others have given far more extreme examples than what your DS said. So if it happens again, I wouldn't take it personally and would brush it off by saying something like that would be a shame as I wouldn't be able to take you to the park, then moving on.

There's some quite interesting stuff on the internet about the development of remorse in children. I found this link interesting.

www.advice-for-parents.com/2008/11/at-what-age-do-children-understand-and.html

OP, there is a hint of defensiveness coming through in your posts.

While I think that, initially, some posters could have been a touch more sensitive with their replies, it's clear that everyone wishes you well and is trying to help.

I wonder if you're finding it hard to process the entirely normal uncertainty you're experiencing, and as a result you're reading more criticism into the replies than is warranted. It's harder to take advice on board if you feel you're being criticised.

Uncertainty is to be expected - parenting is always a work in progress.

I hope you read this as kindly as I mean it.

He probably thinks if he gets rid of you, then he can go back to his foster mother since birth who he would consider to be his mother.
If he hasnt been with you long, then you are the imposter, and he will be struggling with attachment. This will take time, and the idea of being taken from his previous carer to go to you will not be as romantic a dream for him as it is for you

Just a little point but did you refer to yourself in the 3rd person as " you might hurt mummy"

that usage is a personal irritation for me , it's twee and grating, and this little boy is still getting to know you. You might legally be his mummy but he had no say it may be better to let this come, eventually, naturally from him?

He has called me Mummy since before he moved in.

Wow what a huge adjustment for you all. It must be very hard for him to get used to such different rules. He doesn't mean things like that he just mean he's mad cause your are trying to stop him doing something he enjoys.

calling you mummy doesnt mean he isnt still in the middle of a huge transitional stage that will be massively difficult.

I feel for you, but this needs to be treated with reassurance, love, talking and understanding to what he is going through, and not discipline and removal of nice things.

I never said it didn't mean he wasn't in a stage of transition.

Another poster had suggested I was referring to myself as mummy before he was calling me mummy.

people are only trying to be helpful, including me

what would you have done if he had refused to say sorry?

Wow, I wish I was the amazing parent some of you lot are!!! Thanks to those who have understood that it simply was an awful day.

I still don't really see why you'd left him downstairs and blocked him from coming up. Nothing to do with adoption,I just don't genuinely see why you'd do that. He clearly wanted you and was frustrated at not being able to get to you.

You are coming across as having a really bad attitude!! These people have given you invaluable support, understanding and information and you've just been really ungrateful and defensive.

If it was 'simply an awful day', one option is to wait till the day is over, have a glass of wine and talk to a partner or friend.

If you go on a forum in which parenting issues are discussed to say this is what you as the new adoptive parent of a toddler has done when the child has behaved in a way that you've found challenging, it's pretty inevitable that some experienced parents - including a few adoptive ones - will say, 'Think about the strategies you're using. They may not be the ones that will work best in the longer term.'

I think that is actually just as helpful as saying, 'Oh you're amazing.' Possibly more so.

I closed the stair gate because I was sorting putting some laundry away. If I leave the gate open he will play on the stairs and it is an accident waiting to happen.

I have admitted I over reacted. I have thanked those who gave me helpful advice. But people insinuating that I do not understand attachment or loss and saying he is trying to get rid of me to get back to his foster mother (the correct term in foster carer) is neither helpful or kind.

I was clearly at the end of my tether. It is my first post on this forum and my last

mennie1980

AIBU tends to elicit a variety of responses.

Pop your OP on the adoption section

Adoptions

There are a number of adopters/prospective adopters on there who will be able to give you some reassurance/guidance.

I would second MrsBW
avoid AIBU and head for the adoption board
Better still adoptionuk forum ( as somebody said upthread it is not what it was )
I will pm you another adoption forum if you are interested

Ah I get you, would have stair gate at top so... Just makes it easier, tho at his age in fact you hardly really need stairgate at all?
Best of luck anyway

I doubt that he means it, but there is no harm in a consequence for speaking to you like that and not apologising. I don't know if I would have concealed everything, maybe sent him to his room until he is ready to apologise (I do this with my daughter and she has a whine and a moan and then says sorry).

I'd just explain why you were upset, get him to apologise and then put it behind you both when he gets up.

and and, for later, when he's in bed

gemma - this little boy is not yet 3, so sending him to his room seems a very harsh punishment.

Naughty step then, whatever.

I've always put my daughter in time out in her bedroom for things she's refusing to do. She doesn't look traumatised to me and usually does it when I go in and get her to say sorry.