aibu regarding my toddlers behaviour

[mennie1980]

Hi all. Long time lurker, first time poster.

This afternoon I was upstairs sorting Laundry and my 2.10 year old son starting throwing lots of toys over the stair gate onto the stairs.

I went down stairs and told him off and explained how dangerous is was and how mummy could trip and hurt herself.

He said I want you to fall down the stairs and break your leg. I told him this was a horrible thing to say and asked him to apologise. He refused. So I told him our planned activities this afternoon, making cakes and the park were cancelled and no toys or TV this afternoon just drawing. He screamed the place down and cried himself to sleep.

He is now sleeping peacefully and I am wondering if I have been unreasonable.

He is adopted and our first and only child and not been with us very long so this is all so new and scary and today has been a dreadful day.

Sorry is just a learnt response for toddlers when we teach them to say sorry at that age they grow to presume it fixes everything

Hi mennie, for future reference do you know there is an adoption section on here?

They are all lovely and will understand the difficulties of the early months when you're trying to build attachment and not feel like a failure at the same time

mennie
I think how you started off - explaining why he shouldn't throw things onto the stairs was fab, and cancelling an awaited activity was an excellent plan. Cancelling more than that probably made life harder for you - as you have to do something with them at that age!
Just a thought - mine loved, from about 2yrs old, helping Mummy with jobs - so I'd pair all the boring black socks, and they would attempt to try and find a partner to the most distinctive sock I could find in a pile. Or I'd give them the peg bag, and ask to have pegs handed to me as I needed them.
It meant all the jobs took much longer than they would have taken by themselves, but also I was interacting with the boys at the same time.

One day, when a little friend came round, I had DS1 "cleaning" the inside of the windows, and his friend "cleaning" the outside. They thought it was hilarious - and I didn't even suggest it - DS1 asked to clean windows with friend, and they jumped at the chance - maybe approaching 4 at that point.

Is it worth involving him with general chores? Maybe he wanted to get upstairs to be with you?

Have a lovely day tomorrow - maybe you can both go out for cake? Sounds like you both need it.

and

Mennie I cannot even begin to appreciate the learning curve you must be on adopting a toddler. Rather than failing you sound like you actually have it very together.

This thread has been really useful to me. My dd is a bit younger and I'm really pleased to be prewarned about this possible stage of behaviour. At the moment she is just very keen on playing me and dh off against each other by having a rotating favourite who is the only one allowed to have kisses/cuddles/read stories etc.

Would it be okay if I recommended that you do some reading on Attachment Disorder? Children who have a difficult start in life or who have been neglected as infants can suffer from this. However, you can take steps to help your son to reset his emotional clock and learn to form trusting relationships, but you must seek help now, either from a professional, post adoptive services or from doing your own reading and research. Congratulations on your little boy and best wishes to all of you.

Currently my 2.5 month old has taken to launching toys, kicking and hitting when he doesn't get his own way - charming to say the least. Vaguely remember ds1 doing the same. Currently if I don't get a sorry its onto a chair to have a think or in his bedroom where he can scream himself out until he has calmed down to say sorry.

Toddlers are tough little nuts, made to drive us crazy

YANBU to punish the statement but next time pick one of the sanctions rather than the jewson lot! Discipline is bloody hard but if you withdraw every pleasure from the day you're left with no more bargaining tools if he misbehaves again.
I speak as a novice mind you, every day brings a fresh lesson

I have done lots of reading on attachment disorder

Adopter here. It gets easier as time goes on but the first few months can be tough. Please go to the Adopters section here (under becoming a Parent) or to the new rubbish improved boards on Adoption UK.
Don't withdraw things that makes life harder for you! Take care.

mennie1980 - you are a fab mum from what I have read! I think it's easier as a parent when you are learning on the job from birth but to take in a child as your own half way through toddlerhood is a mammoth task for everyone concerned and knowing their triggers etc, can be incredibly difficult to predict and deal with!

don't beat yourself up. i have a 2.5 ds and he is a very naughty boy at times, a lot of the time, actually! i have terrible days with him but you need to remember a lot of the time they don't know what is a little bit bad and what is really bad. i think your ds is too young to understand promising though. mine only just understands. i think!

remember too he has left the family he knew and that must be terribly upsetting and confusing for him. more than you almost ever understand i would think.

try to pick your battles and not be too confrontational. he cannot be good all the time, remember, a two year old just can't! i find it very hard to keep my temper sometimes. just breathe and

and walk away sometimes!

Please don't beat yourself up. We all have bad days, both mums &dcs. I am a mum of 2 & thought I knew what I was doing when no 2 came along. He was a totally different kettle of fish as a toddler & a toad until I got the hang of how to parent him. We learn all the time. One thing I found was our own version of 1 2 3 magic helped us.

Hope the big girl pants help tomorrow. It's ok to have a bad day. We don't get it right all the time & sometimes I find myself apologizing to dc if when stressed I haven't behaved in a way that I've liked. It's ok to not get it righ all the time, if they know without ambiguity that you love them & it really sounds like you do.

YANBU to be upset, but having had two non-adopted and now apparently very good at school/nursery kids, I'd say that a lot of them can come out with pretty nasty sounding things unintentionally. Specifically if you phrase it in a way where they are given a choice of a bad thing happening to someone if they don't stop a behaviour- I've had the conversation "Please stop shoving your sister/pulling her hair, or she will be very upset and hurt" "I want her to be upset", etc. I suspect it's more of a language learning thing where they are showing the ability to extract the 'consequence' bit of the sentence rather than actually thinking about the content of what they're saying iyswim?

At this young age he wouldn't understand the consequences of what he was doing and would not really have wanted you to break your leg.

Parenting a toddler is hard enough. Adoptively parenting a toddler is really hard! You're going to be the front line target for the flack of all his confusion and anger, you're having to help him process those feelings and worst you're having to do it while you both are still getting to know each other.

He didn't mean it. Ignore the words and look at what the behaviour is communicating, he's acting out what he feels. It's likely to involve a lot of chaos, confusion and anger, and trying you out to see if mummy really is the safe person she looks like. Will she still love him if he's rude to her, horrible to her, throws his toys around. It takes a thick skin and it's not easy at all, I'm sorry it's been a hard day.

The Connected Child was recommended above on the thread and is a brilliant book. Anything by Dan Hughes is also good. Tomorrow is another day, iron up the big girl panties and write across the back 'I am a brilliant mum'. You and your son are both going to need time to figure this out together and no one gets it right first time.

I think that he is adopts has a huge bearing on what he might say

Sorry, posted too soon

I hope you are getting support. It seems that "lashing out" behaviour is quite normal for adoptees.

OP anyway, I raise a or as my bio-child frequently tells me she hates me or wishes I would go away (CAMHS involved etc) The nicest support I have had recently was from an adopting mum

My close friend adopted 2 children, both of whom are difficult. The oldest is now 9 and she got him at 18 months. He has said things like this to her all her life and now at 9 when he says that he is going to kill her he genuinely frightens her! I don't mean to scaremonger you but I do think it is something to monitor and get some support on. When she first got him she was told to put him to bed and ignore him, he would soon settle! Now years later she realised that all he needed was to be held, that he sufferes attachment disorder and this needs a certain way of parenting. It could be normal toddler behaviour but I would be aware or read about attachment parenting as it may help. Hang in there it's one hell of a journey and make sure you get as much post adoption support as you can.

Even with one FC from birth don't underestimate the impact of adoption on him
It is unlikely he was born from a healthy womb so that would impact on brain development, the move from BM is a massive trauma for a newborn, contact arrangements (if not well managed) are often damaging then the move from FC to yourselves
This is massive for a young child to cope with
I would try for gentle guidance with an emphasis on bonding
Often the things we lose over are our own triggers more than the childs behaviours
I lose the plot when my DD smirks and laughs when she has done something wrong. I have to really work to not show anger or frustration. If I do show anger or frustration her behaviour deteriorates (she is adopted)
Parenting an adopted child is so different from BC

Have you read 'what every parent needs to know' it's amazing about the different types of tantrums, and has lots of practical advice on how to give reassurance and build secure bonds. I think the most important thing is he isn't a difficult child, he is a child in an extremely difficult situation, you love him dearly but having moved to you from the only home he ever knew must have been hugely frightening for him. I would help him label the feelings and wherever possible reinforce the positive 'you must be feeling very cross to say that, usually you are so kind to mummy'. Or ' oh but mummy would miss you so much if she was in hospital with a broken leg' or even dispelled it with humour ' but then mummy would have to hop everywhere' and hop around being silly. Might make you both giggle and take away the hurt in the situation. He is 2 he has absolutely no concept of what he is saying so I would try to brush it off rather than drawing attention to it through punishment at this stage. Then have a race of who can pick up the most toys, or if he can collect all the toys while you count to ten. With the initial throwing incident you could say something like 'oh goodness, the toys have learnt to jump over the gate...what are we going to do?' And make it fun for both of you. The twos are such tricky years, although boundaries are important you really have to pick your battles or life can just turn into one long one. If you must punish short term consequences like time out with a short egg timer would be more appropriate.
You sound like a very loving mummy, you are very lucky to have found each other, best wishes :)

What Ovenbun said

Enjoy the toddler years!

you did very well and I would have done the same with my son. And I am sure he didn't mean his comments, just finding his feet regarding boundaries and fear of abandonment.

I am a mum to 5dc. They are all biologically mine and my DH's. We are happily married and I am a stay at home attatchment style parent, while he works full time. (This is just to set the scene and to explain that even 'picture perfect' families have the exact same problems. No offence/judgement meant to anyone!)

Some classic lines from my 3 yr old this year...

When angry or frustrated.

"I don't like you, I like Daddy. I wish you went to work."
"I'm going to beat you up and kill you dead."
"You're not my mum. You're not my family. I don't have ANY family!"
"I don't love you anymore."

After a big tantrum.

"Sometimes you don't love me mummy, do you?"
"Sometimes you are not a good mum. Good mums don't say no!"

And then he is just beautiful and says things like...

"I love your voice mummy."
"You are soooo warm and snuggly!"
"You make me laugh mummy, you are soooo silly!"
"I love you mummy. You're face is kind."

It all just sounds like a typical day to me.

I think you were maybe a bit harsh. He won't even remember what he said in an hour's time. I think punishment should be quite instant at that age, and then quickly move on.