to be so angry? mum 'can't remember' if I had chickenpox or not

[dreamingbohemian]

Okay I have a rather fraught relationship with my mother so am prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable.

My DS has just come down with chickenpox. As it happens, my parents are visiting. I asked them what I looked like when I had it, and my stepfather says, Oh you never had chickenpox, you had measles.

Well, this was news to me! My mother has always regaled me with stories about how awful I looked when I had chickenpox, how the family called me Spot, etc.

Now she says, oh right, it was measles. She 'can't remember' if I also had chickenpox.

AIBU or is this total bullshit? My reasons for being angry are:

1. I took no precautions re CP when I was pregnant because I thought I'd already had it.

1. I spend a lot of time with the ILs which includes tiny babies and now a pregnant SIL -- now that I know I might get it from my son, I won't go near them, but I would have seen them this week otherwise and could have been infectious.

1. I could have got the vaccine myself years ago, or gotten one for DS. Now I just have to wait and see if I get it too in the next week.

I know normally chickenpox is no big deal, I'm not freaking out or anything, but it can indeed be serious sometimes and I'm just so angry that my mum has never mentioned anything or thought about it. She does know the risks because now she's super worried about DS, so I don't know what her deal is.

AIBU to be angry?

To me the issue would be that she likes to make you feel bad by bringing up stories about how terrible you looked when you were ill. That's a shit thing to do. Doesn't matter if it was chicken pox or measles really.

Its a myth that you can only catch cp once, i have had it three times ( confirmed by docs on each occasion). Although i do believe most people do become immune and im just more suseptible!

Adding to the YABU throng I'm afraid. DS gets a rash at the tail end of every virus he picks up. Sometimes lo

You are not my DD but just pretending you are for a minute...

I'm really really sorry . I have no idea why I can't remember whether the spotty times included chicken pox or when they happened. At the time I thought I'd never forget. Why didn't I write everything down properly and not lose the piece of paper ? I am an idiot. there is no excuse but I am really really sorry

Do you remember anyone at school getting it, or family members and you not?

It is possible to be naturally immune to it and never get it. [Oddly proud emoticon].

And the poster above is right about being a child in the 70s and not being vaccinated. My sibling was. I wasn't.

Gave everyone Mumps at school [Not proud emoticon].

YABU. My MIL only remembered that my DH had had measles and not chicken pox after he was almost hospitalised having caught chickenpox from the kids. My MIL is the most doting mother in the world and was genuinely mistaken.

You're being totally unfair to your mum. Your health and that of your unborn children is your responsibility now you're an adult. Your mum made a mistake. Are you looking for reasons to fall out with her?

It's only in last 10 yrs or so that it's known that CP can cause fetal problems, it really wasn't a big deal illness before then.

My mother used to insist that I'd had smallpox illness but the jab for chickenpox. Nothing would convince her otherwise!!

I hope that even if I end up having 5 children I don't forget things like their birth weights

But then, I am a sentimental person who likes to commemorate everything. My mum doesn't have my scan photo, in fact she has no baby photos of me whatsoever- she even lost my birth certificate. She just doesn't give a shit. I've made a promise to myself that when my son brings his first girlfriend over I'm going to be armed to the teeth with photos of him being held for the first time, photos of him in the bath, his little hospital band with his details on it...

Maybe your Mum genuinely feels bad about forgetting, but if this is a typical 'off-beat' attitude regarding your childhood I can understand why it hurts.

Young children can get chickenpox with very few symptoms - DD1 had it when I was almost due with DD2 and she had three or four spots, that's all. My parents are dead and I wasn't sure if I'd had chickenpox or not (I was vaccinated against measles and rubella and remember having mumps as a child). The hospital tested and found that I was immune. The doctor said very few adults aren't immune because chickenpox is so prevalent that it's almost impossible not to be exposed to it.

I was exposed in a hospital waiting room to chickenpox when 27 weeks gone and my mum had real trouble remembering whether I'd had it. I have 2 siblings though, to be fair.

My Dcs are only six and eight. I couldn't tell you their birth weights (but do know they've both had chicken pox)

My parents couldn't remember either AND I was exposed whilst pregnant. Hospital ran a blood test. I was immune. Most people are.... Get a blood test done if you want to know.

Okay just to respond to what Loshad said, I absolutely don't think anyone who forgets about CP is awful or disinterested -- I really don't and I apologise if that's the impression I've given.

I think with my mum it's a bit of a different case. For one thing, I see many of you have more than one kid and it's more about not remembering who had it and who didn't. But with only one kid, it's a bit of a zero-sum game, right? Either you took care of a kid with CP or you didn't, seems a bit easier to remember.

Also, I would be less cross if she had always just told me she couldn't remember. But she actually always told me I had it and only now I find out otherwise. FWIW she's told me tonight that she's really wracked her brain and decided that no, I never did have it.

I'm not looking for reasons to be upset with her, as someone suggested, it's more that because we have had so many issues it's hard to just write it off as a daft mistake. I'm tired of making excuses for her. Nothing is ever her fault, she will say the cruelest things and then lie and say she didn't, if I ever stand up to her then she wishes I weren't her daughter, I make her sick, etc. And I can sort of ignore all this bullshit, but for some reason it's the practicalities that annoy me. Like, if you're going to be an emotional nightmare, can you at least be helpful on the practical side of things? Like my medical history?

Sorry I've had a bit of and feeling sorry for myself.

I can accept IABU. I just wish it didn't bother me so much. Probably tomorrow it won't

This really has been an eye-opening thread and I appreciate all the posts, even though it looks like I'm pretty unilaterally BU!

It's ok to feel sorry for yourself especially with a Mum like yours. She sounds hard work. I think you are probably right to accept that in this particular case it is U of you to be angry. (but you can be angry about all the other crap)

YABU.

As a parent of an only child in his early 20s there's loads of things you probably think are milestones which I should remember and I don't.

I do remember he had chicken pox and as he had his MMR he didn't have any of the others.
I do remember when he stopped wearing nappies at night as we were on holiday and I remember him taking it off.

I have absolutely no recollection of when he lost his first baby tooth or. started walking or what his first word was or when.

YABU about this one specific thing.

YANBU to be angry at your mom in general for doing a lousy job of parenting you. It sounds like the chicken pox thing isn't really the source of your anger, it's just the last straw that broke the camel's back. It's okay to be mad at your mom, even furious with her.

I have a lousy relationship with my mother. She swears blind that my birthweigh was x. Another relative says it was y. I've seen the records of my birth... y was correct. My mother's memory twists around and distorts things, but usually that's not something to bear a grudge over (unless she's accused me of lying over something ridiculous and illogical to do many years after the event, when actually I did what I said, and other people remember me being there.)

I couldn't swear to DS2 that he's had Chicken Pox and is immune. DS1 certainly had it, and DS2 certainly had spots within 2 weeks, but as he was 9wks old, and had it so mildly, I can't know whether that was enough to protect him for life.

It is hard when you have a tough relationship with a parent,, but if you can forgive innocent errors (i.e. no malicous intent) that gives you the moral upper hand.

(My mother definitely remembers me having Chicken Pox, I gave it to her)

I don't think it's too much to expect a mother to remember this.

YABU

It's possible to have chicken pox twice so even if you did have it as a child you should still be taking precautions.

You're prob immune anyway. I never had CP as a child, was exposed when pregnant so tested (not that midwives etc seemed particularly concerned - has to insist it was done) & found to be immune anyway.

My mum knew that either me or my dsis had had it but couldn't remember which one. When I had a scare during pg I went to the docs, had a blood test and it was me who had had it

When dsis had a scare during pg as my dc had cp, she knew she hadn't had it so had the injection from the docs.

She just forgot. It happens. I won't forget my dc's illnesses but only because I am super efficient and write it all down or I would forget too.

I had cp. as a child and as a teenager.

it's a myth you can't get it twice, that is unless my mother is confused.

Newt, are you a new mum?

No

I have two. The oldest is 13