to be so angry? mum 'can't remember' if I had chickenpox or not

[dreamingbohemian]

Okay I have a rather fraught relationship with my mother so am prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable.

My DS has just come down with chickenpox. As it happens, my parents are visiting. I asked them what I looked like when I had it, and my stepfather says, Oh you never had chickenpox, you had measles.

Well, this was news to me! My mother has always regaled me with stories about how awful I looked when I had chickenpox, how the family called me Spot, etc.

Now she says, oh right, it was measles. She 'can't remember' if I also had chickenpox.

AIBU or is this total bullshit? My reasons for being angry are:

1. I took no precautions re CP when I was pregnant because I thought I'd already had it.

1. I spend a lot of time with the ILs which includes tiny babies and now a pregnant SIL -- now that I know I might get it from my son, I won't go near them, but I would have seen them this week otherwise and could have been infectious.

1. I could have got the vaccine myself years ago, or gotten one for DS. Now I just have to wait and see if I get it too in the next week.

I know normally chickenpox is no big deal, I'm not freaking out or anything, but it can indeed be serious sometimes and I'm just so angry that my mum has never mentioned anything or thought about it. She does know the risks because now she's super worried about DS, so I don't know what her deal is.

AIBU to be angry?

My mum can't remember whether I had them or not - when my dd had them it was so traumatic (she had them EVERYWHERE) that I cannot imagine how she could forget!! But she doesn't remember any details of us growing up - she repeats the same baby stories for all of us adjusting name/gender accordingly. It used to make me feel a bit less than treasured but I got over it .
I only have two dc and I get their cute baby stories mixed up: it happens.
YABU

YABU

WooWoo I think I would at least have thought about the vaccine -- when we went to the doctor today and I told him I hadn't had it, he said I should get the vaccine if I'm thinking about getting pregnant again.

I'm not, so I'm not sure I will get it if I don't get it this week with DS.

you can't help forgetting or remembering something. they are things you have no control over. you may be angry about other things but you are irrationally angry about this.

My mum forgets things too. She couldn't remember my birth weight the other week.

oh dear - I need to be included in this catergory too ! I have a vague idea of what my three weighed (they are 10 and 12). I do know they have had chickenpox but I only have a very vague idea which one had various other ailments and when. And I am almost certain DH would have far less idea than I do.

Sorry but I think YAB a little U. I think what Worra says is a good point... and I sort of think that pregnancy is such a luck ride in general. I wouldn't have blamed anyone if I'd got CP when I was pregnant; just been a bit 'Oh bollocks...' about it.

I think this is more telling about your relationship - you have got very worked up and cross about something that could have happened, but didn't. Just forget about it.

My Mum has no clue of my birth weight and she's a bit hazy on the time too Never occurred to me to be bothered by it.

She had it worse I suppose, until she was 17 she thought her date of birth was the 17th of Nov, it was only when she needed to get a copy of her birth cert that she found out she was actually born on the 21st! In her parents defence she was the ninth child so they had earned the right to be a bit hazy on details!

Maybe your reaction was a little extreme but yanbu if that's how you felt. Feeling hurt is feeling hurt, whatever the reason.

I do agree with the others that normally, it would just be an understandable thing to forget.

But it sounds as if the way she said it, and the history you have, may have made it come across quite badly. Making a huge deal out of how you looked when you had whatever it was and then forgetting what it was is a bit crap. Going on about how you looked is horrible! You were ill!

So yes, I understand you being upset about the general situation, if not the specific question of her forgetting which you had.

Drop When I was pregnant the midwife asked me if I had chickenpox, I said yes, and as far as I know that was that. If they tested me anyway I don't remember being told that.

Btw my mum does agree with my stepdad that I definitely had measles. She just can't remember if I also had chickenpox. I never had mumps or rubella or anything like that.

I can understand what everyone is saying about cutting her some slack -- it's really interesting actually to see so many people saying it's just not that memorable a thing.

But I'm struggling.

My mum doesn't remember if I've had it either... There's photo evidence of me with measles but neither parent can remember if I had chicken pox! I'm a nanny now and always used to be a bit worried in case the children got it but then one of them did and I decided to see what happened and I was fine... So I presume I'd had it!

I can't remember DD2's birth weight and she's only 3

Yes, but the interesting thing for me is that you don't think your step father has it wrong and shouldn't have confused your mother. His certainty that you had measles not chickenpox seems to have swayed her into believing you had CP. It isn't what she thought all these years though. Why do you think your step father is right in the face of all the conversations you have had about your being spotty?

FWIW, if it has been reported that you were very spotty, my money is on you having had CP not measles.

That should say '...swayed her into believing you had measles' not chickenpox. See how easy it is to get confused!

YABU

It does seem to be one of those important things that should be remembered, but I think in time it tends to become hazy for parents to remember. I can't remember how old my DSes were when they each had it, although I do remember they all had it at some stage.

I guess I feel like forgetting birth weight or something doesn't matter that much -- it's not going to have any effect later in life really. But forgetting whether your child has immunity to a disease or not can actually affect them. Although I do take the point that it's not a guarantee, the immunity. I didn't know you could get it three times!

I am taking all this on board though, it's really helpful, so thank you.

LRD Thank you, I always thought it was a bit mean to make fun of a sick child!

I'm an only child and was hardly ever sick so it just seems strange to me that she wouldn't remember.

Chickenpox can be almost unnoticeable in some people: a couple of spots, a slight temperature. You might not notice, or at least not to the point of getting any sort of firm diagnosis.

My DM can't even remember if I take milk/sugar in my tea. I never fail to be amazed what they do or don't remember.

Big I do think my stepfather is right, he was there at the time and has a much better memory of medical stuff (he's a bit of a hypochondriac himself )

My mother is also not very 'sway-able', she wouldn't have agreed with him unless she thought the same.

It's not that she "can't be bothered" though... If she can't really remember she can't really remember! She's a bit confused and lots and lots of things have happened in life since you were spotty so...

I always used to wonder why my mum couldn't remember my birth weight and the time I was born and when I walked and if I had mumps etc...

Now I have kids I understand.

You are ver reacting its not a case of can't be bothered not remembering just a case of her memory not being sharp on childhood illness.
She's hardly done it on purpose.

Not trying to throw a spanner in but measles wouldn't make you 'spotty' as it's more like a raised rash. Either way I really don't think it's a big deal she can't remember. When your children are older you may find you can't remember everything about their childhood - it won't mean you love them any less.

The only way to be sure you had cp/measles etc is to get a blood test. Lots of people think they have but weren't tested at the time. It's difficult to be certain which spotty disease was which and memories distort over time so even if your mum thinks you have you should be checked hence the blood test in pregnancy.

I am an only child- and my mother couldn't remember what time I was born or what weight I was.

Not as bad as my grandmother- who said to my mum 'Who gave you that middle name?'

Chicken pox doesn't leave you with guaranteed lifelong immunity anyway. Dd has had it twice.