to be so angry? mum 'can't remember' if I had chickenpox or not

[dreamingbohemian]

Okay I have a rather fraught relationship with my mother so am prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable.

My DS has just come down with chickenpox. As it happens, my parents are visiting. I asked them what I looked like when I had it, and my stepfather says, Oh you never had chickenpox, you had measles.

Well, this was news to me! My mother has always regaled me with stories about how awful I looked when I had chickenpox, how the family called me Spot, etc.

Now she says, oh right, it was measles. She 'can't remember' if I also had chickenpox.

AIBU or is this total bullshit? My reasons for being angry are:

1. I took no precautions re CP when I was pregnant because I thought I'd already had it.

1. I spend a lot of time with the ILs which includes tiny babies and now a pregnant SIL -- now that I know I might get it from my son, I won't go near them, but I would have seen them this week otherwise and could have been infectious.

1. I could have got the vaccine myself years ago, or gotten one for DS. Now I just have to wait and see if I get it too in the next week.

I know normally chickenpox is no big deal, I'm not freaking out or anything, but it can indeed be serious sometimes and I'm just so angry that my mum has never mentioned anything or thought about it. She does know the risks because now she's super worried about DS, so I don't know what her deal is.

AIBU to be angry?

Yes - wait for twenty years and see if you can remember all your childrens illnesses. My DS is only 9 and I can no longer remember how onld he was when he sat up/walked/talked. Those things that are important when they happen soon fade into the nothingness of a busy life.

Your relationship with your mum, well that is a totally different issue and I have no idea if you are right to be upset with her. I find myself forgiving my mums behaviour, the more experienced I become of being a parent myself (to be fair she never did anything awful so probably does not bare comparison).

I have a terrible memory about stuff like this - I made sure it was on my kids medical records, which you can do at the doctor's reception desk at our practice even though no medical attention was necessary.

I've had birthday cards from my mum on my sister's bday -more than once. She can't remember how old I am let alone what I had as a child. And there are only two of us. I wouldn't get too hung up about it.

TBH I thought the same as Bertha regarding your step-fathers intervention. You seem very ready to take his opinion as the true version.

In the nicest possible way YABU, but I understand how in an already fraught relationship this would reinforce your feelings of your mum maybe not caring very much. I understand your frustration from that point of view, and that's not unreasonable at all.
But on this particular issue, people do forget, honestly. I just spoke to my mum and she's forgotten whether I had rubella... I'm 9 weeks pg with DC2!!! So, I guess it's a trip to the mw soon for me...

Another thing to remember was that when we were young the effects on chickenpox on pregnancy were not widely known. We were warned about German measles and everybody had to keep away from pregnant women, but not chickenpox. I didn't learn about the connection until I had my own children, so I can imagine chickenpox not registering with our parents in the same way.

They'll have determined whether you had immunity to chicken pox when you were pregnant, surely? It's a simple blood test. Calm down

YABU, my kids are only 4 and 6 and I am starting to forget things I was sure I would never forget.

Happy but measles is a spotty rash, isn't it? I've seen pictures of my cousin when he had it, it was like a spotty rash with some big blotchy patches on his face. I think this is where they got Spot, in the US that's a popular name for a dog with a big patch on its face.

My mil can't remember whether dh had it. He is the youngest of 4 boys, ranging in age from 55 to 40 years. I think it all rather merges into one - I certainly can remember one of my boys doing something as a baby but am starting to struggle to remember which one did what iyswim. And they're only 8 and 4!

Flogging, as I said, if I was tested for it when pregnant, they never told me. So keep your thanks.

They would have told you if you weren't immune.

They'll only have told you the result if there was a problem ()

I remember having mumps because my Mum bought me a Beatrix Potter plaster model making set to keep me occupied.

If you have read the Agatha Christie story The Mirror Cracked From Side to Side, the murderess went to great lenghts to conceal that the victim had told her she had come to see her when she had German measles (and hence caused her child to be born disabled, leaving the mother traumatised), instead she pretended she had said chickenpox. The reason being that chickenpox was thought of as harmless to expectant women but everybody knew about rubella. If your mother is of my generation she won't have thought of it as relevant.

Otoh the hospital who tested you when you were pregnant would certainly have told you if you were not immune.

Yes, but I wasn't tested. Apparently it's not routine, it's just if you don't know if you've had it or not.

oooh that's an interesting literary tangent, thanks cory

I really do appreciate everyone's posts. It's given me a lot to think about.

if I was tested for it when pregnant, they never told me.

You simply said you weren't told here ^

I had measles as a child, I remember it vividly as does my family, there are photos of my lurgyness, my mum phoned the Dr and everything.

I didn't, I had chicken pox. I have never had measles.

Okay sorry not to be clear.
My midwife took my medical history. Based on that, she said, she just wanted to test me for HIV and anemia. I definitely told her I had had chicken pox. She definitely did not tell me she was testing me for anything to do with chickenpox.

I cannot rule out 100 % that she tested me for it anyway, but given that it is not a routine test and she did not tell me that she did, I am assuming I was not tested. They really didn't go beyond what they absolutely had to do (understandably as was large deprived borough).

But yes, I should say 'as far as I know' I was not tested.

DS1 had chickenpox when I was 8.5 months PG with DS2. If DS2 had come early (DS1 did) and DS1 was still infectious it could have been very serious for DS2.

My mum couldn't remember if I'd had chickenpox either. She said she had 3 children, at least one of us had had it and therefore either I had had it or was naturally immune... I do know my brother and sister got measles and I did not, but that's because I was old enough to remember. I ended up waddling into the poisons unit of the hospital with some blood for a blood test. I have to say I was pretty cross with my mother about this.

And now I cannot remember all sorts of things about DS2 - when his first tooth came, how old he was when he started walking etc. I think your issues with your mother might be clouding your views.

But Friday and everyone else who is saying they can't remember birth weight and when they started walking and all that do you really think it's the same thing, forgetting whether your DC had CP and when they got their first tooth?

I honestly don't care if my mother forgets everything to do with when I was born, when I walked, my first-year grades, all that stuff. I am, as you say, a bit cross that she doesn't remember my medical history -- and no, not every cold or bug, but a (usually) once in a lifetime illness that it's helpful to know about for future reference.

I can accept, based on this thread, that this expectation is unreasonable, which is very interesting. Perhaps in 20 years I'll look back and retroactively kick myself.

My mum (a very good mum, incidentally) remembers that we have had chickenpox, but has no clue what else we had. She says she only remembers the CP because all four of us had it at the same time and she had two weeks of HELL

She doesn't remember me having mumps, which I recall very clearly.

I think you are over reacting.

I had chicken pox as a child, I remember having it. I had a blood test as an adult and was immune. Then six months later when I was a bit run down I caught it again. You can get it twice, there are theories about different strains etc.

You just can't tell what will happen!