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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want friends to be in same postition as me for my own selfish reasons

141 replies

SPsTombRaidingWithCliff · 27/10/2013 12:56

I know I am been unreasonable and all that but I'm still going to moan here and I expect you all yo agree with me and ignore the unreasonableness of it Grin

I have been intouch with friends to see if anyone fancies going for a pub lunch.

I'm alone every Sunday as the toddler is at his dads. I'm bored and hungry and I haven't seen friends in weeks and some in months.

All the texts and calls have said roughly the same thing and the others ignored.

'Im with the boyfriend/husband, if he goes out later I will meet you'

'Im spending it with partner'

'We can do something next week as with fella today'

So AIBU to want all friends single? Even the ones with kids? I managed to see them while in a relationship and with a baby.

All I want is a couple of hours of their time in weeks/months. I'm the only single mother with a toddler. They are either in relationships, married or have babies but still with partner.

They only have time for me if their partners are out doing something. The plans to do something next week never happen but yet I'm the first person they call upon when they have problems.

I wish I could clone myself.

OP posts:
Auntidote · 27/10/2013 14:15

They can have family time every day. "Family time" translates as "we are smug and don't think our friends matter any more". Until they want something from you. Then they'll suddenly want to be friends again.

DontmindifIdo · 27/10/2013 14:16

OK, if they are letting you down on the day, that's very different from your OP when you suggested you'd just asked them today, had you made plans to do something today (although not specifically what) and they let you down, that's shit. Really, you need new friends.

If you want to give them a last chance, go with the confirming a date in advance and then on the Wednesday before, send a message saying "what time shall we meet at XXX on Sunday?" (not "are you still on for Sunday" make it a given that the plans are confirmed) or even "XXX gets busy on a Sunday, I've booked a table for 1pm, is that ok or would you like it earlier/later?" If they then still cancel on you, don't arrange anything again with those friends, find new people.

Original poster
SPsTombRaidingWithCliff · 27/10/2013 14:17

They will come round if their partners are doing something without them

I haven't seen one of them for 3 month, one keeps saying we will meet up yet its been a month and nothing etc

OP posts:
LordPalmerston · 27/10/2013 14:18

I couldn't be friends with someone who says "fella". It's like from Blue Jeans magazine circa 1976

LordPalmerston · 27/10/2013 14:18

I also loathe family time. Ew. Twee

Original poster
SPsTombRaidingWithCliff · 27/10/2013 14:18

I cant find new friends. I don't have anywhere to go alone or funds to be doing stuff.

I stated in OP that plans never happen.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 27/10/2013 14:19

Auntidote - normally I'd say that's not fair, "family time" can be precious when you have a DP/H who works long hours and it is actually nice to spend time all together (both parents and DCs, some families really only get a few hours a week when everyone is available).

But with these people, it's the fact the OP is now the person they see when they have no better offers that's the issue.

Original poster
SPsTombRaidingWithCliff · 27/10/2013 14:19

Lord Good for you.

OP posts:
LordPalmerston · 27/10/2013 14:21

I used to find the cloying family tins annoying when h worked away. Was never precious about it.
I agree with the person who said you need to tell them you feel lonely.

DontmindifIdo · 27/10/2013 14:22

But OP, you said you'd been in touch to see if they fancies going for a pub lunch today not that you'd arranged last week to go for a pub lunch today and then today they said they didn't want to do it, you said you asked today. Did you really plan to do something today and actually plan to go to lunch or did you do a vague "let's do something next sunday" not what that something was? Pin down confirmed plans, lunch at X place at Y time on Sunday. If they still cancel on you, then dump them. If you are asking if it's going for lunch they fancy doing today then you haven't made a confirmed plan for today.

manticlimactic · 27/10/2013 14:22

My DD goes to her dads Friday eve to Sunday lunch and has done since we split. I've been Billy no mates for years at weekends for over a decade. Obviously need more friends -or just friends, I haven't even got any to suggest going to lunch with well not close ones, as they're all loved up.

DD is 17 so this is the time I could be out on the razz/eating out with friends, gadding about but I spend most of it looking after my elderly mum as my brother and sis know I have no social life Hmm

I'm in Leeds too Grin

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 27/10/2013 14:23

i have tried to arrange playdates at weekends, as I work every afternoon afterschool. I invariably get the response "oh no, DH is off, so we'll be having family time".
what, all weekend, every weekend? surely 2 hours off is ok?

Original poster
SPsTombRaidingWithCliff · 27/10/2013 14:24

I've been making plans for a month with one person! I month for a 2 hour lunch meet up!

Planning in advance didn't work and for 2 years they have known the days I'm free.

They are with their partners every single day. I shouldn't need to force them into meeting me

OP posts:
patienceisvirtuous · 27/10/2013 14:25

I concur that you need single friends. When I was the only single person in my friendship group, trying to make social plans with my partnered-up friends was soul destroying.

How about mn local or some local mum and toddler groups to make new friends?

Original poster
SPsTombRaidingWithCliff · 27/10/2013 14:25

Mant Shall we set up 'Loners is Leeds' support groups? Grin

OP posts:
patienceisvirtuous · 27/10/2013 14:27

You and mantic should meet for lunch :o

trish5000 · 27/10/2013 14:27

Church creches? Not for everyone, but should be welcoming and more or less free. And probably on sundays!

Norfolknway · 27/10/2013 14:28

Why can't you all have a day together?

It's not either or. Just because they are with their partners you're not invited? How odd!

Original poster
SPsTombRaidingWithCliff · 27/10/2013 14:29

I have no toddler on a Sunday so I would look a bit odd hanging around a creche alone Grin

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 27/10/2013 14:35

They see their partners all the time, it's a bit pathetic that they can't spare time to have a lunch with you now and again.

manticlimactic · 27/10/2013 14:36

We should SP Grin there must be one somewhere.

I passed my driving test a couple of years ago. I'd promised myself I would pass before I was 40 (just scraped in by a couple of months). I thought it would give me more independence and could get a better social life as I could get about -meet new people etc but ironically since then I've been more of a hermit

I've had a look on the local meet up sites but wonder if they're full of weirdos or high brow intellectuals I have nothing in common with.

Preciousbane · 27/10/2013 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SPsTombRaidingWithCliff · 27/10/2013 14:38

That's what I thought too mant Grin Knowing my luck I'd end up meeting a loon who then skins me and wears me as a coat.

OP posts:
DalmationDots · 27/10/2013 14:38

Dd is at uni and was the only single girl of the 4 people who live in her house. She foudn it difficult at first, she is very happy single, but found she had to bite her lip to prevent herself sounding like a jealous bitch when he friends would all natter on about the great aspects of their other halves. She also found they seemed to somehow accidentally time it so they'd all be off out with their boyfriends on the same night.
She was fine most of the time and just arranged other things, but after a while she gently asked if they could try and have girls nights two nights a week or arrange it so they aren't all out. They were horrified when they realised how thoughtless they had been.
Try and arrange things further in advance or find a gym class/social meet up/something to do on the weekends your DS is away.

manticlimactic · 27/10/2013 14:40

norfolk Weekends tend to be reserved for spending time with DP/H/children/grandparents. Single friends appear not to be welcome to join in or will only get an offer if there is nothing better to do.

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