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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect some sort of idea of when my daughter is coming back?

30 replies

NessaB82 · 26/10/2013 15:13

My 14-y-o has a poor relationship with her father. He was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive to me, and has been mentally and emotionally abusive to both my daughters. Despite a court order granting him access, neither child has spent more than 1 night with him in the last few months. However, my daughter told me she was going to spend the night there last Sunday night to get her birthday presents (2 weeks after her birthday) and is still there 6 nights on. She is aloof on the phone, ignores my texts, acts as if I don't exist when she appears to get more clothes. She has missed 2 days of school in the last week. The school are supportive, but have had no idea from her of her plans either. She treats this like a big game and has told me she might come home, she might not. There is no use trying to speak to her father. He is not a rational human being. She has lost a baby sitting job for not turning up and is missing dance rehearsal. I don't understand what she's doing. I just want to know when she's coming home :-(

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 26/10/2013 15:18

Can you not go and get her?!

I would do that now

AgentZigzag · 26/10/2013 15:19

YANBU.

Is this out of character and out of the blue?

If you've normally got a good relationship with her and she's usually on the ball with school/babysitting/hobbies, this would be very worrying.

Is he spouting shit and encouraging her do you think?

Are there any other friends/family she's close to who you could call on to see what's going on?

What about on her/his facebook/twitter etc, do they say anything.

Must be so frustrating and worrying for you.

Original poster
NessaB82 · 26/10/2013 15:26

It's totally out of the blue. We're really close. He always spouts shit but she's been listening to it for 6 years and generally thinks he's a dick. Her facebook says nothing. I can't go and get her. Wrestling a 14-y-o into my car whilst her father shouts abuse at me would be impossible.

OP posts:
VanitasVanitatum · 26/10/2013 15:31

Poor you :( has she been pushing boundaries at home lately, as in wanting to stay out late /up late etc? Maybe he has said she can make her own rules if she lives with him..

I'd think she'll be home as soon as the novelty wears off. I'm so sorry for the worry you must be feeling OP.

rubyslippers · 26/10/2013 15:33

Even if a friend went with you?
It sounds like a very difficult situation

littlemisssarcastic · 26/10/2013 15:33

If you can't go and get her, and I understand your reasons for not doing so, what can you do?

Do you have a residency order?

teenagetantrums · 26/10/2013 15:36

Can you not just tell her no more coming and going, come home this weekend or move out and stay at your fathers? She will get bored of it soon, and def do not let her have more, also if you are paying her phone bill cut it of and ask her dad to get her one.

WorraLiberty · 26/10/2013 15:36

Is everything ok at home? Has she been pushing the boundaries or rebelling against your rules/discipline like a lot of teenagers do?

What's her relationship like with her Sister? Is everything ok at school?

It's possible that she sees staying with her Dad as a way of blocking something out that she's unhappy with maybe?

Even if that's 'only' discipline because perhaps he's letting her do as she pleases?

littlemisssarcastic · 26/10/2013 15:38

teenagetantrums That could backfire.

Hassled · 26/10/2013 15:40

Could your other DD speak to her? Or is there a trusted aunt or someone slightly removed who could get involved?

teenagetantrums · 26/10/2013 18:27

I just thought are you sure she is actually at her dads? Have you checked with him?

ImperialFucker · 26/10/2013 18:52

Did you say she does come back to pick up her things?

DameDeepRedBetty · 26/10/2013 18:58

I'd go for the aunt or granny have a chat method. She's almost certainly doing a teenage rebellion thing and thinks she can get away with using her dad's place as a bolt-hole. She probably thinks she can handle it if he starts playing mind-games with her. And he's probably encouraging her for his own weird reasons.

Are you friends with any of her friends, enough to maybe get them to help drop hints?

Canthisonebeused · 26/10/2013 19:06

I wouldn't encourage her to chose like that to be honest or stop paying for things. I think that would probably back fire for you OP. Sad thing is there is very little you can do other than try to get her talk to you or someone else and find out what is going on for her.

Do everything you can to keep lines of communication open and let her know she is welcome to come home.

But, are you 100% sure she actually staying with him?

Balaboosta · 26/10/2013 19:12

Oh love, that sounds awful. Nothing to advise just power to you.

Retroformica · 26/10/2013 19:42

Can you text her that you love and miss her lots. Can she come home because you are worrying about her

trish5000 · 26/10/2013 19:55

How many clothes is she picking up?

Sounds to me like she is either rebelling in some way, or her dad has said something to her, that suddenly makes her think that you are an awful human being.

I think I would try the sweetness route. So that she can contrast you with him.
How many days or weeks do you think he can keep himself looking like the good guy?

cjel · 26/10/2013 20:04

This is so hard for you. My 17yr old( now 31) went to stay at older boyfriends after we told her off(had to tidy her room!) I used to just send texts saying how much I loved her and send her little cards with lovely mum/daughter verses in. Charging round to get her or sending someone else to do it for you could backfire and make it worse. I'd just' love' her home. One day she will remember how you brought her up and realise that it is the right way.
Try telling her -in text or letter- that you hope she is alright, that you'd love her to come home and your door is always open ((((Hugs for you)))

pixiepotter · 26/10/2013 20:20

Having been a teenager myself, my first thought is that she is with a boyfriend rather than at her dads

Beastofburden · 26/10/2013 21:35

Me too, pixie.

wherethewildthingis · 26/10/2013 23:53

Don't cut her phone off, tempting as it is she may need it to get hold of you if she needs help. Try to keep on good terms with her as much as you can, hopefully this is a phase so don't make it harder for her to come back when its over.

Thatisall · 27/10/2013 09:36

What does her dsis think of it all? Does she have any idea what's going on? And her dad, does he drive her to your house for clothes?

Locketjuice · 27/10/2013 09:42

This happened with my friend she was 18 and awful to her mum, her mum messaged me cleared up all the lies she had been telling me I made her feel awful how she treated her mum got her to call her and now her and her mum talk, but me and her don't as she lied so much whilst staying in my house with my children

Finola1step · 27/10/2013 09:49

Yes Pixie. That was my first thought too.

Nessa. I would put money on there being some lad near your ex's place. May not even be a fully fledged boyfriend. At that age, such love and angst can be all consuming. I blush now at the lies I told my parents and the things I got up to at 14.

Keep the lines of communication open. Bombard her with love. Do not give her any reason to turn this into a you vs her situation. But at the same time, make it clear you expect her to come home and you are not putting family life on hold until she sorts herself out.

Are you 100% sure she is actually sleeping at her dad's every night?

Beastofburden · 27/10/2013 11:23

It is quite possible her dad is buying popularity by allowing something she wouldn't be allowed to do at home. Can you bear to ask him? Is there even any point?