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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or this not on?

148 replies

Soontobemama · 26/10/2013 10:24

For your husband to decide to go to the pub after work without bothering to let you know when you're at home with his 11 week old baby?

Because that's what my 'D' H did yesterday and I'm not happy. He usually finished around 5 and calls me to let me know he is on the train and then I go and pick him up. When it was nearing 6 with no word from him I tried calling him and emailed him. No response. I called him 3 times in an hour and each call was ignored.

He got in just after 7 and was drunk. Won't have it that he has done anything wrong as he wasn't out late. To me that's not the point. I had no idea where he was and what if I had been trying to contact him in an emergency? He had no idea why I called 3 times but still didnt pick up or call me back.

I look forward to him getting home at night and clock watch as its a small break for me. Obviously as he was drunk I couldn't leave our baby with him at all so I had to do everything myself. He is still in bed now!

OP posts:
Tryingteacher · 27/10/2013 06:01

Oh come on. The guys being an utter arse.

I would get this thread moved into Relationships OP.

KatOD · 27/10/2013 06:29

YANBU. He's a selfish tit who lacks any form of empathy or emotional intelligence. Do you think your mum would help you out for a few days so you can get some sleep and distance from this idiot in order to get yourself together enough to be able to discuss with him calmly/coherently?

Good luck.

mojojomo · 27/10/2013 07:11

OP, unfortunately some people like to come on to these threads and give the woman a kicking while she's down.

As I said earlier, there's been a lot of the "that's just men!" nonsense on the site recently.
I suggest you just ignore it.

Mojavewonderer · 27/10/2013 07:18

Op he is working too you know. It's not like he's out all day having fun, he then has to come home and take over baby duties while you rest so in fact you expect him to work all week including evenings while you get the evenings off? I hope you don't wake him to do the night feeds too ;)

Seriously though I think getting drunk is out of order and I agree with you there. I do think him staying out until 7pm is ok as long as he only has a couple and can help you with the baby when he gets but say only do this once a week and you should tag team and you go out with a friend for a couple of drinks so you can both get away from baby duties. I also think introducing date night would be a good idea too so you can be a couple again. Good luck op.

Original poster
Soontobemama · 27/10/2013 07:22

My mum would help me. I just feel a bit bad asking her to as night feeds are horrendous and it feels unfair to expect someone else to do them. However DS was up every hour last night so I may get some formula and ask her to help me tonight. She came into the bedroom at 7am under the guise of bringing me a coffee but I think was really to see if we were awake so she could get a cuddle from the baby. So I think she would be open to taking him.

I'm supposed to be going out for the first time on Monday evening. DH was going to look after DS. I'm not sure whether to go back home ( I'm 50 odd miles away at my mums) on Monday and leave DS with him and then sleep in the spare room when I get back so that DH has to do the night feeds . It would mean he'd have to give formula and I'd end up with painful engorged boobs so would sort of be cutting off my nose to spite my face. However DH would then have to go to work utterly shattered and may see just how exhausting it is when you get your sleep in hour or two hour snatches.

Or I could just cancel my night out and stay with my mum in the hope that DH then realises that I'm serious about how unhappy with him I am and maybe panics a bit. I don't know.

OP posts:
Lilacroses · 27/10/2013 07:25

It's not the OP that shows the problem here it's the full story that comes out in the rest of the thread. This is a continual problem. No, coming home at 7pm once or twice is not the end of the world but if he rolls in too drunk to help with the baby it is a pita.

OP says that her DH has been out 8 times since the baby was born! Why does he need to go out 8 times?!! I would feel just as pissed off if I was OP. Sounds as if he can't be bothered and needs to grow up and I agree OP, his suggesting you go to your mums is just so that he doesn't have to help at all. He sounds completely unsupportive.

Lilacroses · 27/10/2013 07:27

Sorry, x posted. If I were you I would stay a bit longer at your mums so that he gets the message.

TheIggorcist · 27/10/2013 07:27

I wouldn't let this be the reason you give up breastfeeding - surely more resentment bred if that happens. If I were at my mum's with a baby, I'd keep doing the nights but have her take him first thing in the morning while I got a bit more rest, and let her do some more looking after in the daytime so I could rest/sleep/watch tv/go to a shop alone. (Apologies if I've missed that she works). I think a few days of 'hibernation mode' would do you some good.

Original poster
Soontobemama · 27/10/2013 07:31

Mojave I think the first part of your post was joking but just in case then DH doesn't take over properly until I go to bed. He'd be up watching tv anyway so rocking DS in his bouncy chair at the same time is hardly too taxing. Oh but he does hold DS for a while so I can have a "rest" cooking the dinner. The magic fairies that clean the house and have DH's pants and shirts washed and put away knock off just before dinner time so I actually have to get off my arse and cook. Which is annoying because I lose the nice little dent my backside has made in the sofa from sitting watching tv all day.

OP posts:
mojojomo · 27/10/2013 07:33

Actually I'd go home and tell him to start helping or fuck off.

I can understand why you've gone to your mum's by think it'd be better if she was at your home.

Your ex is no doubt quite enjoying his weekend with no responsibilities. It's awful that he hasn't been in touch. No doubt he's just giving you the time you need to calm down though. Well he'll expect you back to get his work shirts laundered and ironed though- remember your place!

TheIggorcist · 27/10/2013 07:38

Minimonty, have just read this from your post: "Pregnant women are a nightmare to their men". This may explain then why so many men cheat on their pregnant wives, and why violence against partners often begins in pregnancy. They're clearly asking for it.
Awful comment. Hmm

Original poster
Soontobemama · 27/10/2013 07:42

Yeah I reckon he's had a great time. Probably pulled an all nighter last night with all of today to recover. The resentment I feel over this weekend is going to be hard to get over.

OP posts:
KirjavaTheCorpse · 27/10/2013 07:43

Ah yes, the "yeah well my husband could fuck off to Majorca to a week without telling me and I wouldn't have a problem" brigade. Aren't you all so understanding.

OP is right. It's his baby. Just as much as it's hers. Why are double standards suddenly completely understandable because he's a bloke?

MN is confusing of late.

Squitten · 27/10/2013 07:51

YANBU.

I wouldn't have a problem with DH going for a drink after work and 7pm is not late to be back. But I would be furious if he was rolling home drunk!

Very selfish indeed. I think I would be staying at my Mum's for a bit longer

Turquoiseblue · 27/10/2013 08:07

Seriously ! Your dh needs a massive kick in the behind.
He sounds immature and selfish.
Firstly if I would stop cooking and cleaning for him - let him do his own laundry and housework and make his own bloody dinner. Next time he s on his way home let him make his own way from the station. I am so angry on your behalf. He really needs to pull his socks up. Write it all out - how unsupportive and idiotic and jeuvenille he is being. Let him know how all consuming it is having a young baby and bf, then write out how utterly disappointing and what a failure as a father and partner he is, let him know how deeply he is hurting you and his child and how neglectful hurtful and selfish he is.
He sounds indulged and protected.

Inertia · 27/10/2013 08:14

His behaviour isn't acceptable at all.

For today, as your mum is willing to help with the baby, would she watch him for a couple of hours while you sleep and just bring him to you for feeds?

Do go on your planned night out tomorrow, even if it's just for an hour or two. Your husband needs to learn to take some responsibility

You're right that your H thinks he gets to take time out from being a dad when he fancies but you are on duty 24 hours. However, I think the laundry and housework fairies can certainly decide to freely drop responsibilities. I would focus solely on looking after your baby for the next few weeks. Let your H do his own laundry. Eat your dinner before he gets home from work because you weren't sure whether or when he was coming home - he can do his own. Housework can be done at weekends, with H doing either housework or childcare.

He doesn't get to opt out of parenthood and still expect a full housekeeping service.

MrsSparkles · 27/10/2013 08:27

I don't think you're being unreasonable in expecting him to tell you he was going out, that's got nothing to do with a baby that's just courtesy.

When my DD was that little I would literally count down the minutes until DH was due home, and if he wasn't I'd be on the phone asking where he was and why he wasn't home. With hindsight, he didn't (and still doesn't) get how hard it is being at home all day with a baby - waaay harder than being at work.

And your comment about his life being unchanged - snap. But don't be a martyr - make plans for yourself and tell him what you're doing and leave him to it. If not a bath and a coffe then a run, or hairdressers - whatever is a break for you.

It's hard when a baby is that little you're both so tired things do get blown out of proportion, and it's nearly impossible to have a conversation without it degenerating into who's more tired, or does more. But that's probably what you need - a conversation about what you both need and expect - both write it down if it helps (it can keep things calmer), and read each others. You may find you're closer than you think....

ElsieOops · 27/10/2013 10:00

it's nearly impossible to have a conversation without it degenerating into who's more tired

^^ this exactly.

I'm concerned from your messages that you are doing cooking/cleaning but not resting properly or feeding yourself well during the day. You need to look after yourself first to look after your baby properly.

Do you go to any baby groups? I found more experienced mothers invaluable for support and advice.

I

mewmeow · 27/10/2013 11:35

Yanbu, he should have let you know.
Your turn next to go out, or if you can't do that because of bf or whatever, arrange for your oh to take the baby out for a whole afternoon so you can nap or watch a film or whatever.
I do think you need time apart (from eachother and the baby) and to continue with your social lives, as it is important, so yabu if you don't want him going out like this ever.

Original poster
Soontobemama · 27/10/2013 12:16

It's not that I don't want him going out ever, like I said before he has been out plenty. But it's just been getting silly and he needs to realise he doesn't have the freedom he used to have. Neither of us do.

He finally contacted me to ask how DS was.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 27/10/2013 12:27

YANBU to expect a call to tell you he will be an hour late, dictating when he can go out though is BU.

I think you are overreacting, he works all day, comes home and is expected to take over care whilst you sleep and you say you both get the same hours sleep yet you can stay home the next day whilst he has to do his job.

I always love the "dont cook or clean for him" yet he is still expected to go out and earn not just to provide for himself but two others. Double standards at play again.

ShedWood · 27/10/2013 12:29

Can you spend this week expressing and freezing your milk with the understanding that at 5pm on friday he takes over baby duties until Sunday night and you go and stay with a friend/go out clubbing/go to your mums for 48hours sleep(!)?

Once he has experienced being a full time parent for a couple of days he may actually understand what you're going through and have more empathy.

Original poster
Soontobemama · 27/10/2013 15:11

We happymummyofone where did you get that he is out working to support me? I have my own income.

OP posts:
KatOD · 27/10/2013 15:43

Did he ask how you were when he got in touch?

Original poster
Soontobemama · 27/10/2013 15:57

Yes he did in a half hearted " and you"? text but I haven't replied.

OP posts:
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