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AIBU?

Or this not on?

148 replies

Soontobemama · 26/10/2013 10:24

For your husband to decide to go to the pub after work without bothering to let you know when you're at home with his 11 week old baby?

Because that's what my 'D' H did yesterday and I'm not happy. He usually finished around 5 and calls me to let me know he is on the train and then I go and pick him up. When it was nearing 6 with no word from him I tried calling him and emailed him. No response. I called him 3 times in an hour and each call was ignored.

He got in just after 7 and was drunk. Won't have it that he has done anything wrong as he wasn't out late. To me that's not the point. I had no idea where he was and what if I had been trying to contact him in an emergency? He had no idea why I called 3 times but still didnt pick up or call me back.

I look forward to him getting home at night and clock watch as its a small break for me. Obviously as he was drunk I couldn't leave our baby with him at all so I had to do everything myself. He is still in bed now!

OP posts:

Report

mojojomo · 28/10/2013 22:17

Sarah, it's been 3 days.

SarahBumBarer · 28/10/2013 22:01

The relationship boards may not call a spade a shovel but they will still call it a spade. Neither board is tolerant for long of people using them to vent whilst not actually attempting to resolve anything or communicate.

digerd · 28/10/2013 20:13

I would be the most furious that he drank so much on an empty stomach that he came home drunk at only 7pm. That is being ridiculous and irresponsible and something a teenager might do, not a grown man , father and partner/DH.
Inconsiderate at not contacting you and selfish.
But YABU by being stroppy, wanting revenge with tit for tat and not like sensible adults sorting things out by talking.
YANBU to be angry with him, though. He should be ashamed of his behaviour to you and for his own immaturity.

mojojomo · 28/10/2013 19:37

Soon you may find the relationships board is more useful than AIBU.

cjel · 28/10/2013 17:06

Your last sentence says it all 'I think' Exactly my point. You are BOTH soo determined to prove your points you've stopped communicating and I'd be really surprised if he 'knows' why you are angry. Stop wasting your precious energy trying to be right and get together fgs you are supposed to be on the same side and sulking and not talking(both of you) will get you nowhere - What you have tried hasn't worked so why not be radical and talk to each other?
You have had the perfect time today when you are both in, instead you are still not speaking?!

Soontobemama · 28/10/2013 16:59

No he didn't send me to my mums thinking it was a nice thing. He did it because friends had in tied him out and with me out of the way he could go and stay out all night. He knows why I'm annoyed.

I give him the baby do that I can cook dinner for him after I have cared for him alone all day. He gave me the baby after having been partying all weekend so that he could cook his own dinner. It wasn't dinner for me. Big difference I think.

OP posts:

cjel · 28/10/2013 16:55

Not speaking really won't help YOu have to tell him what is the matter and try and work through it,. If hes noticed you are 'down' as he put it then you go away for the weekend and come back and aren't talking he won't be a ble to guess why you aren't speaking.
He thought he was doing a good thing for you by sending you up to mums for the weekend and if you;d only just come in and then he wanted you to have the baby so he could finish cooking isn't that what you do to him every day? I know you are the primary carer but you are starting to sound as if you both find your baby a chore and you are determined to 'show him' how hard being a mum is?

I'm not defending him and his going out but if all you ever do is grumpily pass him the baby and then sulk if he doesn't then you both sound childish.
You are starting to sound a bit whingy tbh.

And yes I've had babies and PND and grandchildren and dds with PND, perhaps thats why I can recognise that the way this is going is only going to end badly if you both just want to be right.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 28/10/2013 16:41

I handed the baby over straight away and after ten minutes he was asking me to take him for five minutes while he finished cooking his dinner. Was tempted to say no deal with it like I have to when you go out and leave me to juggle the baby and trying to prepare and eat a meal.

So next time say exactly this. Or go out for the day and leave him with the baby (HIS baby). Get home and moan about there being no dinner/clean clothes/the washing up not being done. Put him in the same position he puts you in. See how he likes it.

I am usually a more conciliatory type than this, honest! But he is royally taking the piss and needs a shake.

Soontobemama · 28/10/2013 16:31

Well the weather has put paid to me going out tonight anyway. DH has also not been able to make it into work so I've given him the baby to look after. I've not had a rest though as I've had loads to sort out at home before guests arrive later this week.

I'm only speaking to him when I have to as I'm even more furious now I'm back. He hasn't lifted a finger at home all weekend which just reinforces my belief that he went out Saturday and didnt come back until yesterday. I came back last night to him cooking himself the chicken that I had bought for our dinner on Friday. The dinner we never had because of him coming home drunk. He didnt cook it properly though so he was on the loo all night . Serves him right!

OP posts:

cjel · 28/10/2013 14:03

Yes have breast fed several and also used pumps to express I am not saying anything I haven't done myself

diddl · 28/10/2013 13:53

I agree!

Bfeeding is knackering, but expressing to try & teach OH a lesson seems ridiculous to me tbh.

Plus, unless in another room, baby will probably wake her anyway!

And what's the betting that something would happen meaning he'd take the baby through to her for a feed anyway?

But that's not even what OP is wanting, is it?

Just some help of an evening with the baby so that she can do stuff more easily!

I'm not even sure she's asking him to do anything apart from hold baby tbh!

Mamagiraffe · 28/10/2013 12:51

I wish everyone here who hasn't breastfed would stop telling the op to "just express" so dh can do the night feeds and let her sleep. Do you understand how it work's? Do you realise the op will have to get up and pump any and all missed feeds- that's nature.

Retroformica · 27/10/2013 22:01

I think it's only polite and adult to keep a partner up to date. He should have rung and said he'd make sure you got a longer break over the weekend. He is being selfish!

cjel · 27/10/2013 21:51

try and get some rest and tomorrow start thinking about expressing so he can take his share of the feeds. You need to get proper times of sleep, even if he does last at night and first in morning you will have had longer, I used to feed then H would do winding/changing etc. have you thought of that?

Soontobemama · 27/10/2013 21:38

Well I got back home about an hour and a half ago. I handed the baby over straight away and after ten minutes he was asking me to take him for five minutes while he finished cooking his dinner. Was tempted to say no deal with it like I have to when you go out and leave me to juggle the baby and trying to prepare and eat a meal. I didn't though.

I've now come to bed and left DS with him. We haven't talked as I'm not in the mood to be anything other than bitchy to him. Pretty sure he didn't sleep here last night.

OP posts:

killpeppa · 27/10/2013 21:13

yeah OP your just sitting in that house twiddling your thumbs while that poor hard done by man works hard for those pub trips!

happymumofone seems to have time travelled from 1953...
are we still allowed the right to vote?

Inertia · 27/10/2013 20:22

Happymum the OP is working too - she is working 24 hour days at the moment with very little in the way of breaks / sleep, because she is doing ALL the childcare. It's just that her work isn't paid and she doesn't get to clock off early and go to the pub.

Why should she also be a cook and housekeeper when she is already on duty far more than full time?

CombineBananaFister · 27/10/2013 19:32

There is a reason they use sleep deprivation as torture - it bloody works! You sound beyond tired right now and I can remember those early days and how much it messes with your mind, coupled with feeling like nothing more than a milk machine/maid/servant/shell of a former human being.

Your DH is being a dick and sounds like he just doesn't get how hard it is because he hasn't made that many changes to his lifestyle by the sound of it and you have. I would tell him clearly how unhappy you are and why but I would avoid any major decisions about your relationship until you feel yourself. Am not saying you are incapable of rational thought right now btw (he Is still being huge thoughtless shit) but you may feel differently once the broken sleep fog lifts or at least be able to argue it out better iykswim.

Soontobemama · 27/10/2013 17:56

Yes I've definitely been feeling a bit down. I adore DS but its so monotonous. He isn't the best sleeper and I get no time where I'm not being a mummy . I don't get an evening cos by the time we've eaten its time for me to go to bed so that I can get a couple of guaranteed hours sleep before DS comes to bed and the night wakings begin.

OP posts:

KirjavaTheCorpse · 27/10/2013 17:48

I think you are overreacting, he works all day, comes home and is expected to take over care whilst you sleep and you say you both get the same hours sleep yet you can stay home the next day whilst he has to do his job.

Yeah OP. He has a job to do, you know. Quite why you haven't ironed his newspaper, microwaved his slippers and packed his pipe for him by the time he's home after a day of being a hardworking man, I don't know. Such overreaction.

cjel · 27/10/2013 16:31

I'd start expressing milk so he can do feeds and get yourself to gps as sounds like you could be going down a bit - its worth keeping an eye onx

ShoeLaRue · 27/10/2013 16:16

YANBU at all and I find his thread ridiculously unsupportive of a very new mum having a tough time.

I remember your other thread about finding things difficult :(. I had PND first time round even with plenty of support so I can't imagine how hard it must be with so little. I'm glad you're at your mum's.

Do you think you might be down at all?

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KatOD · 27/10/2013 16:01

I'd stay at your mums until you've recovered a bit more tbh. Doesn't sound like he is particularly up for an adult discussion at the moment. Would you really enjoy a night out when you're this knackered and frustrated anyway? Get your body and mind sorted first and then deal with everything else.

Soontobemama · 27/10/2013 15:57

Yes he did in a half hearted " and you"? text but I haven't replied.

OP posts:

KatOD · 27/10/2013 15:43

Did he ask how you were when he got in touch?

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