Or this not on?

[Soontobemama]

For your husband to decide to go to the pub after work without bothering to let you know when you're at home with his 11 week old baby?

Because that's what my 'D' H did yesterday and I'm not happy. He usually finished around 5 and calls me to let me know he is on the train and then I go and pick him up. When it was nearing 6 with no word from him I tried calling him and emailed him. No response. I called him 3 times in an hour and each call was ignored.

He got in just after 7 and was drunk. Won't have it that he has done anything wrong as he wasn't out late. To me that's not the point. I had no idea where he was and what if I had been trying to contact him in an emergency? He had no idea why I called 3 times but still didnt pick up or call me back.

I look forward to him getting home at night and clock watch as its a small break for me. Obviously as he was drunk I couldn't leave our baby with him at all so I had to do everything myself. He is still in bed now!

OP you sound like your describing my relationship
'oh but the guys are going out'
'a drink after work'
'met an old friend & going for a drink'
'just a game if pool'

next thing I was spending Xmas eve by myself pregnant.
40 weeks pregnant and he went out on my due date.

you don't have too and shouldn't put up with it if it's an ongoing problem.
make yourself happy because its what he's doing

Try harder why shouldn't I ask him to come home and look after his baby?

Kilpepa yes that's exactly it . There's always a reason to need to go out. Had a crap day, had a good day so need to celebrate etc .

He hasn't even contacted me to see if we are ok.

Cory, if the baby was ff and dad was at home looking after it, then why would there be a problem if mum came home drunk after an evening with her mates?

Op, this isn't about one night out or the drunkeness, this is about learning to be as couple with a new baby.
Because you are bf, he just doesn't get the emotional cost of looking after a baby, because he is never in sole charge. I bf, and at this age baby was predictable enough that I could go out for about 2 hours, especially in the morning. Is that possible?

He needs to be on his own with the baby. He needs to learn to be a Dad and to care for the baby. One thing that is very hard in the early days is actually to hand over to dad and make him do it, especially if bf. This is not just your baby it is his baby too, and you really need to give him times when he has to make choices and decisions about the baby (do I change a nappy? Where are the clean sleepsuits? and so on) You may want to be with the baby all the time, but are you actually pushing him out by doing that? If you think parenting is joint, then you need to allow it to be joint, and not your job only.

You guys need to have a long talk, you need to explain how you are feeling and how much you need him at 5pm, after a long day. You need to work out some understandings about committment and what it means. And you need to do something like feed baby on a sat morning, then wake dh up (preferably he wakes himself up) and leave baby with him while you do stuff, even if that stuff is sitting on the sofa having a coffee.

just to make clear though, I think he was out of order for not contacting you. That would p** me off a lot. But this is just revealing a deeper problem IMHO

well I had enough excuses when
'it was my fault he cheated because I hadn't wanted to go out and was now boring'

DS2 was 2 months old and DS1 was 14 months

He does look after him by himself sometimes. It's just that it seems that he feels that's something he does to help me out when he's at home. He doesn't seem to think that its something he should be making sure he is around to do. I feel like his life is the same as ever while my life has been turned upside down.

You're right though that it is a deeper problem.

Oh god you're ex sounds horrendous.

Just because you are unable to go out at night,.doesnt mean he shouldnt, however he should let you know he wouldnt have needed pickig up from work.

It doesnt take two adults to look after one baby, do the fact that he was drunk was irrelevant, really. You could take some.time out while he cares soberly for the baby, to have a nap, a coffee out.or a nice bath or whatever

Im all for a supportive, equal partbership when i

Oops

comes to parenting but you do.sound like a martyr.

No it doesn't mean he shouldn't go out.

But doesn't he want to be at home with his baby?

My husband couldn't wait to get home to see us PFB & have a cuddle!

So mortified do you think that he should be able to go out whenever and as often as he likes just the same as he did before DS was born?

I think he should have the courtesy to say "im off out after work tonight, be back by seven".....pre ds would he go out and be back by seven?

YANBU. The failure to communicate is thoughtless and annoying, but the part that makes him totally U is that he seems to view caring for the baby as your job by default, thus it wasn't necessary to discuss him going for an impromptu pint or four. I'm not suggesting he needs to ask your permission, but it's a basic courtesy to call and let you know he wants to change the usual arrangements and to check there's no reason he shouldn't.

DH used to do this from time to time and it drove me absolutely loopy, so I decided to do it a couple of times after work while he was home with the kids. It drove him potty too, so he quickly understood that all those times I'd bellowed at him about it, I wasn't trying to stop him having fun but I did expect the basic courtesy of a sodding phonecall!

I just fail to see how having time out for a coffee or a bath at the weekend is a treat for me .

There - that kind of comment there is what makes you sound like a martyr.

What would be a treat for you then if you want to be with DC all the time?

So diddl your DH was doing what he wanted. Selfish git Serious point is that not all people are the same and one is not better than the other just perhaps better suited to their OH than the other.

Soontobe - do you think he should not be going out at all?

Did your DH want this baby?

That's it exactly smite. Last week I was exhausted, feeling unwell and asked him to come home as DS was screaming and I needed some respite. He still didnt leave the pub til over an hour later.

He thinks its ok if he is home earlier than he could be. But that's not my problem. My problem is that I need some respite and I think I have a right to that most nights not as a treat at the weekend or when he's not out.

Its not like he hardly goes out. I think twice a week is a lot for most people let alone those with a young baby?

Yes he did want this baby.

I don't see those things as treats. I think I should get them by rights just like DH does.

I'm not saying he shouldn't go out. I just dont think he should be able to go out whenever he pleases at ghe drop of a hat as though he has no responsibilities.

YANBU. Those early days are exhausting and he's clearly not pulling his weight. I'd be angry and disappointed too.

"So diddl your DH was doing what he wanted."

Yes, but it's not just about that, is it?

A baby is a lifechanger for both parents, & they have to both accept that, grow up & make adjustments imo.

I don't think having a coffee/bath is a treat, but it is a statement that you need 5 minutes to yourself, and he needs to look after ds.

But again, you guys need to sit down and talk about it.

dh and I have this deal, it may help you as a starting point:

dh works x hours during the day at his job.
I work x hours during the day as SAHM.

Before either of us start our ''working day'' we are both at home and therefore in equal responsibility for the kids
After ''work'' when dh is home, we are both there and therefore have equal responsibility for the kids.

Over the years it has changed, but we will do things like take it in turns to do either bath/bed routine or cook dinner, so as baby is put down, then dinner is on the table (well, in an ideal world)
When one is in the shower in the morning, the other is getting baby dressed/giving kids breakfast.

Obviously, there are quite a few things I get done during the day, but when babies were very small, not much got done, and that might mean that at the weekend we were doing shopping/laundry together.

You are very upset and angry with him, and you need to try and find a way of expressing that in a constructive way, so that the two of you can find a way of being parents together.

It is pretty common I think to have these issues about now, it doesn't mean he is a bastard etc, it just means you have some serious readjusting to do.

That is fair enough but given that you don't want to be separated from DC at the moment it is kind of hard to see what a treat for you could be and so, given that this is your choice, I think you do have to try to find some pleasure in the smaller things for now and make them count. And I do not think that DH is unreasonable that he does want to go out. Totally agree though (as I've said all along) with the drop of a hat/not letting you know point. I think you need to talk at some point when he has not just f*cked up so it is not quite so emotive and you hopefully can express your feelings a bit more reasonably.

Since DH wanted the baby then hopefully it is just an adjustment thing. FWIW my DH is pretty fab and is not one for going out but he struggled a little with the DC when they were really new especially since they were bf. He really came into his own when they were around 6 months, being weaned and on the move. I hope your mum has been good support today.

Steppe mum that's how I feel it should be. My DH thinks that him working outside the house is harder than what I have to do. So he doesn't help in the mornings at all. He has told me that it will be an eye opener for me when I go back to work and have to be a parent in the evening.

The thing is (from his perspective) that he has worked all day and then has to help at home too. ie, that he is doing more than his share.

The part he doesn't get is that you have worked all day too (and half the night) You work is physically exhausting (bf and lack of sleep) and so when your day is finished, you don't get to sit down, put your feet up while dinner magically arrives.

It is communicating this idea that you are working which is so hard to get across.
To be fair, once dcs were a little older, I would expect (of myself) that a lot got done during the day, and most household things were my responsibility. so after dcs bedtime, we both then could actually sit down and watch tv. or even have a conversation.

A few practical things - my dh is naturally an introvert and after a busy office day he really really needs 30 minutes of headspace, usually behind a newspaper. Knowing that about him, it really helps me to plan the day to include that space, then he feels much more able to deal with the demands of small baby etc. (not saying he deserves this, just that it works for us, he feels his needs are met a little too in the middle of the chaos) I really needed some sleep, so on sat I fed baby and then went back to sleep and he took kids. We negotiated these things as points to show that we were trying to help each other. Mornings are hard, if his time is short, he may need to shower dress and run. One of my friends got up early every day so she could shower in peace, he had baby with him while he did breakfast/dressed etc. It was worth it for her to have a shower in peace. For me, the extra bed time would have been more important!

negotiate and talk and talk and negotiate. And as the baby grows and changes talk some more.

just re-read his comment about when you go back to work. He really doesn't get it that a small baby is hard work. That right there is the crunch of it.

I think a day's work is sometimes a doddle compared to small bf baby. Different as they get older, but those early days...

Ok OP, YADNBU. And as for his comment about when you go back to work, my personal experience was that it was much easier than being at home with the baby all day!