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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or this not on?

148 replies

Soontobemama · 26/10/2013 10:24

For your husband to decide to go to the pub after work without bothering to let you know when you're at home with his 11 week old baby?

Because that's what my 'D' H did yesterday and I'm not happy. He usually finished around 5 and calls me to let me know he is on the train and then I go and pick him up. When it was nearing 6 with no word from him I tried calling him and emailed him. No response. I called him 3 times in an hour and each call was ignored.

He got in just after 7 and was drunk. Won't have it that he has done anything wrong as he wasn't out late. To me that's not the point. I had no idea where he was and what if I had been trying to contact him in an emergency? He had no idea why I called 3 times but still didnt pick up or call me back.

I look forward to him getting home at night and clock watch as its a small break for me. Obviously as he was drunk I couldn't leave our baby with him at all so I had to do everything myself. He is still in bed now!

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 26/10/2013 18:04

Honestly!
It isn't about 'treats' for the OP! This is not tit-for-tat! This man has not yet 'opted-in' to family life and it's about time he did!

If the OP felt the same way about her baby as her 'D'H the baby would be being seriously neglected.

Why is it okay in any way for this man to have behaved the way he has? Where is his commitment and his love for his wife and child? Cos I'm buggered if I see any.

Nanny0gg · 26/10/2013 18:05

He has told me that it will be an eye opener for me when I go back to work and have to be a parent in the evening.

It certainly will be if he carries on the way he has so far.

Original poster

Soontobemama · 26/10/2013 18:25

He definitely doesn't get what hard work it is. He said its much easier being tired sat at home than being tired in work. He thinks I sit in front of the tv all day. Even when I do, and most days it doesn't get turned on, I'm feeding or jiggling DS to get him to sleep. I've usually not had lunch and when I do its eaten one handed.

I am lucky though that all the laundry and housework gets done by the magic fairies .

OP posts:

Herisson · 26/10/2013 18:54

YANBU. The very least he could have done is ring you and tell you that he was going out, but really, to be fair, he'd have ASKED if that was OK. And as a consequence, because fair's fair, he would then have OFFERED to be in charge on Sunday or something while you have a leisurely bath or go out for a mooch around the shops or whatever it is that you would like and would give you a break. I totally get that you don't want to be away from your baby and nor would I have done at that age, but DH used to eg come and push the pram round after me while I browsed in a bookshop. It was boring as hell for him but it was more of a break than being out on my own for me because I knew DD was fine but I didn't have to take her off and change her nappy or worry that she was hungry or whatever and if she was a bit sad but not hungry, he could do the cuddling and chatting and jiggling.

DH was and is a good, committed and more or less equal parent. Having said that, he really really didn't get what hard work it is until he had to do it alone once a week when I went back to work. At that point, he said sorry. I didn't really need a sorry because he had actually been fine and helped as much as he was able to (I was BFing so he couldn't do feeds but he did do an equal share of everything else) and he was aware that I had been finding it hard and picked up whatever slack he was able to. But he hadn't realised what it's like being on your own with a tiny baby and once he did he felt sorry that he hadn't 'got it'.

Original poster

Soontobemama · 26/10/2013 19:08

Thanks for all of the replies I do appreciate them.

DH doesn't get it that's true and I've tried telling him but he won't have that its harder then him working.

The fact that he actually wanted me to take DS to my mums for the weekend speaks volumes. It's a whole weekend without his son. He isn't even concerned to see whether we arrived at my mums safely. Not even going to start on the fact he let me go when I've only just started driving again and its a motorway journey and I was crying when I left. I think he's made his priorities crystal clear.

OP posts:

ringaringarosy · 26/10/2013 19:15

i cant see a problem.yabu.

ChasedByZombees · 26/10/2013 19:17

I was going to suggest you left him to look after the baby for say, 6 hours (you could be there to breastfeed only) and hand your DC straight back afterwards - see how much of a fiddle he finds it. However it sounds like you're at crisis point. Does he realise how much of an effect this is having on your marriage? Have you got any mutual friends who could explain how hard it is?

ringaringarosy · 26/10/2013 19:17

ah sorry i didnt read the last page ony the first two.

I dont see a problem with that alone,but is his attitude towards you and what you do isnt right then you need to sort something out.

mojojomo · 26/10/2013 19:20

His behaviour is awful. Does he often behave selfishly, and disrespectful?

It sounds life he has no respect for you. Before you were pregnant would he make jokes our rude comments about housewives?

Anyway, enough about him. What do you want?

ishouldbecleaning · 26/10/2013 19:23

I can't just decide I'm sodding off out to get pissed whenever the mood takes me so why should he be able to?

I know them feels. My ex seemed to think the same, but if I wanted to go out for a haircut I had to "ask his permission" or get his Mum or one of my sisters to babysit because he'd been at work all week and its my responsibility to look after the baby.

Two nights this week and two last week? Whether he was in by 7pm or not, that is a total piss take. Spend the weekend plotting revenge.

ishouldbecleaning · 26/10/2013 19:29

*If the OP felt the same way about her baby as her 'D'H the baby would be being seriously neglected.

Why is it okay in any way for this man to have behaved the way he has? Where is his commitment and his love for his wife and child? Cos I'm buggered if I see any.*

There seems to be a LOT of this sort of behaviour going around just lately [:sad:] and being justified by "he works all week" "its his money" "women should stay at home and look after baby its not a mans job"
and be treated like fucking doormats/slaves and dont dare to say a word about it

Original poster

Soontobemama · 26/10/2013 19:51

What I want is a husband who supports me and comes home when he says he will. I've not got it though.

I don't really know where to go from here. He's not contacted me since we left. He is no doubt out yet again enjoying himself and looking forward to a full nights sleep and a whole day to himself tomorrow. Meanwhile I'm at my mums sick with exhaustion and feeling slightly panicky about another night with very little sleep.

The lack of proper sleep is really getting to me now. I've been feeling weepy and low for the past 2 weeks. DH said this morning that he had noticed and his response was to pack me off to my mum not to try and help me himself.

OP posts:

mojojomo · 26/10/2013 20:01

Your last post reminded me of this-
"when someone shows you who they are , believe them."

It sounds like time for some straight talking. Even if you feel you've done so already, you could explain what you expect and if he doesn't agree, at least you know where you stand and have your eyes open.

Oh and I agree there's a lot of "oh that's just men!" around at the moment.

WestieMamma · 26/10/2013 23:57

OP I really feel for you. My baby is only a couple of months older than yours and I can't begin to imagine how I'd cope with so little support from my husband. My husband hasn't been out at all since our son was born. Not because I say he can't but because he doesn't want to. He wants to get home to be with his family. As soon as he walks in the door he's looking for his son and picking him up and loving him.

Do you think maybe your husband hasn't bonded with his son? Does he ever rock him to sleep or comfort him when he's upset? Does he ever have time where it's just the 2 of them?

steppemum · 27/10/2013 00:04

I would love to set him the challenge to be you for one day, so wake him up in the night, feed baby and hand him over for dh to bath, juggle comfort, cuddle etc and make sure there are a couple of normal jobs (load of washing) to do.
Trouble is he is not remotely going to do that.

He needs to know that you are at breaking point. You need to talk. It sounds as if you need a third party to help you talk.

I think he can change, because this is mostly about just not 'getting it' wrt to being a parent. He needs to man up and be a father, and he has to stop behaving as if nothing has changed. \but it is early days, and people can learn, given a proper chance.

Do you have any friends/couple with kids where the man might be able to talk to your dh?

MiniMonty · 27/10/2013 01:19

YANBU - but neither are you being anything like realistic !
The child is 11 weeks old.
For how long do you really (honestly) want to leave it with DH ?
A minute ?

Six minutes ?

All this crap about "be you for one day" is utter fantasy because which new mother would actually do that ? Find one...
Which new mother would actually like a week off while dad caters for all that child's needs?

It's a terrible confession isn't it - Moan about it - but you wouldn't ACTUALLY agree to have it any other way!

Men engage when women start to chill out after having kids. Generally takes about six months for BOTH things to happen - i.e. women chill out and men engage - and it was ever thus for good reason.

Pregnant women are a nightmare to their men - new mothers are just like pregnant women only they now have a baby to tell them off about, complain about and scream about.

"I'm going to Mo's".

Hands up which mother of a new born actually wants the man in her life having that child 50/50.
Answer - none.

So try to take a larger view on what has just happened in both your lives 11 weeks ago. Try to be honest to yourself about what you actually want from your man, your future life and your relationship.
From now on, if you can't be absolutely honest, nothing will be easy and all the simple stuff might stop being fun...

KNOW YOURSELF and BE HONEST.

Original poster

Soontobemama · 27/10/2013 01:25

His friend with a baby is out all the time. His wife's mum is over everyday and so he has just got on with his own life which means going out loads and even going to Vegas. So not a great example.

When he is home he takes DS from about 10pm until midnite/1am so that I can get a bit of sleep. DS still wakes every two hours and can be up for an hour. DH and I both probably get the same amount of sleep in hours only his is continuous and mine is broken up.

He told me last weekend that he only feels like he began to bond with the baby recently. However when he gets in he gives a quick cuddle then shoves him
In his bouncy chair. He just wants him to go to sleep so he can get on with watching tv. He complains that he doesn't get much time with the baby but then he has passed up this entire weekend by telling me to go to my mums.

I'm on my knees with tiredness and being here is only making it worse. It means I don't get the few hours sleep before dealing with the baby all night. I've no bottles with me and my mum has been very ill so don't feel that I could ask her to do night feeds even if I did have a bottle with me. As it is she is on the sofa so that I can have her bed. I managed to get DS to sleep at 11pm and he has been up twice already.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 27/10/2013 01:26

MiniMonty shove over and change your name I have lost weight, but don't want to be confused with you. waits for telling off

Soon he's out of order imho

Its not just the baby that needs loved and cared for, its both of you and he's part of it, or at least should be

Monty27 · 27/10/2013 01:29

Crossed posts soon I'd get his sorry ass doing the night feeds

Original poster

Soontobemama · 27/10/2013 01:29

Sorry minimo you lost me half way through your post.

You're right I wouldn't and don't want to leave DH alone for a day with DS . But that doesn't mean I don't want him here playing an equal role because I do and have said that to him from the start.

OP posts:

steppemum · 27/10/2013 01:32

Minimonty

couldn't disagree more.

by the way the point about him being her for a day is not because she wants to be away from her child, but because he thinks she is sitting round all day watching tv. And it obviously isn't going to happen.

When my dcs were small babies my dh was fully engaged. He wanted to spend time with his kids, he loved bathing the baby and having cuddles. He was happy to have a baby on his shoulder while he got some breakfast and I had a shower. He came home from work and wanted to see his baby that he had missed all day.

It didn't kick in at 6 months, it kicked in in the delivery suite as he sat there with his son in his arms, I will never forget the look on his face.
Yes, lots of things were down to me, I was bf, I did night times etc, but at any point if we were both home, he would not assume that I was in charge, but rather we would both take responsibility.
But he is an adult that behaves as an adult.

Monty27 · 27/10/2013 01:33

MM your man????

Soon's partner is her partner and a joint parent to their newly born dc. Not her man omg

steppemum · 27/10/2013 01:39

One thing I will agree with you mini, we do sometimes need to chill out and allow our dh to engage. I see controlling mums who complain about everything their dh does, because he doesn't do it her way.

But I don't get the impression that that is the issue here.

Monty27 · 27/10/2013 02:23

Me neither Steppe OP must be taking dc out to pick him up from the station normally? Grrrr

DampDudes · 27/10/2013 05:09

utter crap. He's a grown adult and a father. You should not have to explain any of this to him. a kind, thoughtful, responsible partner would understand you needed them and why, especially if they've noticed your mood slipping. I am so sad and angry for you. I hope you find some support.

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