to feel hurt that my daughter doesn't want my knitted baby clothes?

[Mayflower64]

My daughter lives a long way from us and is four months pregnant. She came to visit last week and I showed her all the clothes I'd knitted for the baby, all modern cardigans, coats and hats, no old-fashioned lacy matinee jackets as I knew she wouldn't like those. She looked at them and said straight out that she didn't want any of them as she didn't like knitted stuff for babies. I was so hurt, they had been made with so much love for her and the future baby. Are knitted things for babies really out of fashion these days? Am I just being stupid to still feel so upset???

I tried to 'channel' my mum's knitting urge. On grounds of taste. I bought her a book and dropped massive hints about which things I liked. I tried very hard not to be too pointed about it.
So she went to her local wool shop, bought some horrible patterns, and knitted them in what I imagine was acrylic chenille but I can't be sure. She was delighted with herself! It wasn't her getting back at me: she said she couldn't understand the American patterns and this was what the lady in the shop recommended....ah well.

There were some ladies who knitted and sold baby and young childrens jumpers etc in our local charity shop. I bought some lovely things when mine were small.

Lots of mums out there would love what you do, but that's not the problem here. I feel so that your dd has trampled on your feelings. Even if they're not to her taste it wouldn't hurt to be kinder to her mum fgs.

Think about it honestly OP.
Would you rather she'd lied?

Would you rather have carried on spending time, effort and money making things that she didn't like but felt too guilty to refuse? Did nothing like that happen to you when you were a new parent? Have you forgotten how it feel to have all this 'stuff' constantly foisted onto you by well-meaning relatives who either genuinely don't realise or often simply don't care that their taste is different to yours?

By the sounds of it knitting is your 'thing' so it's totally understandable that you want to knit for your grandchild, but would you really rather she do what people are suggesting? Which is to take it, smile politely, then give it away or let it gather dust in the cupboard?

Yes you're feelings are hurt and that's not nice. I agree that she could perhaps have been more diplomatic but surely the most important thing is that she was honest.

I think you need to take a step back and realise that, in the grand scheme of things, whether or not your daughter likes babies in hand knitted cardies is just not important.

Do what we all do when we take something minor to heart and blow it out of all proportion: have a little cry, feel a bit sorry for yourself for a while, then have a and forget about it.

It depends on the relationship, I think. I remember when I was pregnant thinking that I had better start drawing boundaries or my mum would dump all sorts on us - my mum is like that, not saying the OP is like that.

I still had to really put my foot down about Canadian hockey gear (for babies!). We are not Canadian. She used to get it on holiday and thought it would give my 1-5 year old something of a different look. My mum is a bit strange, though.

I can't comment on fashion, as tbh, I hadn't even realised there were fashionable clothes and less fashionable clothes for babies. I was fortunate enough to be given some handknits for my babies, but handknits can be problematic. One gorgeous little cardigan I was given was too tight at the wrists to get it on my (small) baby - if knitted tightly, they just don't have the "give" of a sleepsuit.

Also, they can be really difficult to wash, and it is heartbreaking when they are stained. I only put them on my DC for the few occasions when they needed to dress up, as I was terrified of damaging or dirtying them. I have no idea what to do with the lovely little jacket my mother made which has a large stain down the front even after repeated careful washing. It seems awful to just bin it, yet i can't keep it forever.

While it is lovely to have beautiful little handknits which were made with love and took hours and hours to make, the six-pack of comfortable sleepsuits which could be machine washed and tossed away if damaged beyond repair without guilt or recriminations from the giver was just easier.

This is so horrible. I'm pregnant and have been given lots of baby clothes, my lovely neighbor gave me a little hand knitted cardigan with matchinG booties/scratch mitts and a hat.

The time gone into them is obvious and although they are not particularly 'modern' ( as in you couldn't really buy them in a shop) my son will def wear them when he gets here. Regardless of MY personal tastes, it was a kind gesture and even if I HATED it ( which I don't) its only going to last him a few months!

Poor you. . Donate them to a lovely worthwhile children's charity. ok they might not be used by your grandchild, blur someone would be grateful for your handiwork!

Excellent post randall - I concur.

Hmmm. I guess it would also depend what sort of yarn you knitted them in. My mum would sometimes make some shocking looking stuff with that multicoloured yarn in horrid colours that she bought because it was on sale.

Otherwise we happily took the knitted baby clothes especially the lacy matinee jackets etc . We'd take the other stuff too but kids never wore it ...it got...erm... donated..

My DMum knitted endlessly for her grandchildren - from the moment she knew of their conception. We all have endless photos of our children at all ages, dressed in her idiosyncratic jumpers and cardis.

They weren't what I would've chosen, but now that I realise how little time I've got left with Mum, I am so glad I didn't refuse them. When she's gone, it will be a another reminder of how much she loved us all.

Your daughter might have been a little more diplomatic, but it is good that you have a relationship where she feels she can be honest.

Im loving "licked piss off a nettle"

I would probably be a bit more tactful with mil or other people, but if you can't be honest with your own mother, what does that say about your relationship?

Randall - OP isn't just some well meaning relative - she's the grandma to be!

Twice I've typed long replies and twice they've disappeared so I'm going to post each couple of sentences as I go!

I so loved being given any knitted items, it would almost bring a tear to my eye when I knew how much effort that was put into them.

Donate them to baby units, don't offer again, very uncaring attitude from your DD.

OP I'd be hurt and tearful. Of all the gifts your DD will receive for her baby, none will have had as much love time and effort put into them as the clothes that you have made. YADNBU.

Exactly Happy that's why it's more important that her daughter was honest with her.

Knitting is a black art for me, so I imagine that to create lots of clothes you've been knitting 26 hours a day since you heard the good news. As the pregnant lady I'd have been trying to play down the whole 'having a baby' thing for fear of lose. Balance that with the urge to nest but not get over whelmed - I was a stressed mess without having to deal with other peoples emotional journey.

My mum jumped in like you with tonnes of stuff from when I was a baby and new knited stuff. Her neighbour 'lent' us two bags of clothes from the 80s. It sat in our limited storage space - ignored, all too much. The 10 white baby gros from Boots in a handy basket were on constant rotation whilst I got a griip with being a mum for the first time.

Looking back I should have said something, let them now we did n't have the physical or head space to deal with their memories and possessions. The baby clothes went back to the attic and baby knit stuff guiltily to the charity shop.

I would have loved a blanket, not in inspid pastals but bright colours that match my house for my girls to snuggle in now. The whole white/ pastel thing made me feel like my mum was ignoring the person I am, that I was going to have to become 'her' if I was going to have a baby.

Thank you for your patience, it's bugged me for ages.

YANBU. I picked up a load of second hand knitted stuff recently. The giver's ex mil was a prolific knitter and some of the cardis had never been worn. My auntie knits things for my two as well - we can't wait to find out what Christmas brings.

Hand knitted is lovely and very fashionable at the moment I believe.
You poor thing.

Is it randall?

I'd normally agree that being honest is best...but if her daughter's honesty boils down to just being plain thoughtless and ungrateful, and leaves OP feeling really hurt and tearful, how is that best?

my mum knitted me a load of stuff (I was only 20 when I had my DD so young and fashionable haha) and I loved everything. The fact it was made with love only made it better.

Your daughter was unspeakably rude, but as others have suggested, she was probably feeling hormonal. I found some parts of pregnancy a bit like having permanent PMS. My poor husband...

I personally think, handknits for babies are absolutely lovely. Mostly. I have seen some shockers, although what you made sounds beautiful.

My MIL is a demon knitter and has knitted hundreds of things for DD. We do have rather different taste. In that she has none. I bought her a lovely book of classic knitting patterns when I was pregnant, thinking they would be traditional enough for MIL, but modern enough for me. The patterns in the book were photographed all made up in beautiful pure wools, in gorgeous subdued colours, and there was a whole chapter on wool choice, which I thought MIL might read and absorb. HA! She did knit some of the patterns, but chose awful cheap acrylic wool, from her supermarket, in very saturated pastels. Vile Not to my taste.

However, I managed to express proper gratitude and photos were taken. And I was grateful. It's a fantastic thing to have people in your babies' life, who love them enough to spend the time to make them things. That is always worthy of gratitude. Your daughter will come to see that too.

I then thought that both MIL and I would prefer it if what she made were actually used and truly appreciated, so I organised a shopping expedition next time she visited and we chose some beautiful wool together. Periodically I post her more wool, and now she has made some utterly gorgeous things. I make vague suggestions as to what is needed, but always let MIL choose the pattern and what to make.

Taste is a matter of taste as the great Diana Vreeland said (I think). I am sure your daughter will soon regret being so horrible about your lovely knitting. But why not suggest a joint shopping expedition to choose wools and patterns, next time you visit. It might not be what you would choose, but if your DGC actually wears it, I'm sure that would be best all round.

Oh mayflower I can completely understand why you are upset. I can only echo previous posters in that it might be too early and your daughter is nervous of receiving clothes. Or perhaps it is actually a good thing that she feels she can be completely honest with you and save you investing a lot of effort and expense in clothes that will never be worn? Personally I love knitted clothes but each to their own.

Just wanted to chip in as a recipient of donated knitted clothes. DD2 was very premature and couldn't wear 'regular' baby clothes for a long time. She were solely clad in hand made knitted hats (and a nappy) for the first couple of months of her life. Once she could wear clothes she got through a fair number of knitted cardigans which were kindly donated. I remember when she moved out of her incubator into a cot and was wearing four knitted cardigans, one on top of the other, when I arrived!

I'll never meet any of the kind people who knitted those clothes, I have some of them still. And hand knitted blankets. And little quilts. I've kept a fair number in her baby box with all her things from her hospital days. I loved having these things for DD2, I felt like she was surrounded by love and care. I can't knit and, even if I could, knitting is not at the forefront of your mind when your child is critically ill and you are dashing back and forth to the hospital.

So maybe hold on to them, your daughter may well change her mind when the pregnancy is more established? Or do consider donating them to a maternity unit, I know that I was very grateful for them (and DD2 was as well!)

Oops cross posted with Aidan

Same point to make though!