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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with DH's moods because he reckons he doesn't get enough sex?

85 replies

showmethemoneyhoney · 25/10/2013 22:21

DH gets mighty moody if he doesn't get "it" at least 3 times a week. We have been together over 20 years, married for 13 of them and have 2 DCs. I am quite happy with once or twice a week. He has a much higher sex drive than me and if he had his way we'd be doing it twice a day, every day. The thing is, if I don't let him have his way, he turns into the most miserable, moody bastard that ever walked this earth. Its awful - the kids ask why Dad is moody and I can hardly tell them the real reason. Its really getting me down. I've tried broaching the subject but I just get a response along the lines of "well you obviously don't love me" or "you should be glad I still fancy you". Sometimes I've done the deed just to get him off my back. Its not that I don't love him, I do, but I wish he would stop pestering me the whole time and quit with the bad moods when his testosterone levels get a bit high.

OP posts:
angelinterceptor · 25/10/2013 22:23

Know the feeling but don't have a good answer for you.

Ragusa · 25/10/2013 22:24

He is behaving like a spoilt child. I couldn't stand that, sorry :(

Testosterone levels getting a bit high - bollocks. Tell him to go and have a hand shandy. On his own.

quietlysuggests · 25/10/2013 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2013 22:25

Bleargh, nothing worse than someone sulking to pressure you to have sex with them.

The "well you obviously don't love me" or "you should be glad I still fancy you" bollocks is such an old chestnut and shows him up to be the wanker he is (sorry, I know he's your DH, but I hate this kind of crap).

Have you ever asked him why he wants to have sex with someone who doesn't want it with him?

Doesn't it matter to him whether you feel like it or not?

Because if he doesn't that's creepy as fuck.

YouTheCat · 25/10/2013 22:26

Tell him he is lucky to get any with his total lack of respect for you.

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2013 22:26

Does he sulk to try and control you with other things?

SeaSickSal · 25/10/2013 22:27

That is really, really unpleasant. I can't understand why you would want someone to have sex with you if they weren't going to enjoy it.

JumpingJackSprat · 25/10/2013 22:28

So basically he is coercing you into sex by making you're life miserable when you don't fancy it. What a complete turn off.

SouthBySouthWest · 25/10/2013 22:29

I'm sorry, but your relationship bears so little resemblance to mine that I'm struggling to think how to comment.

Where is the mutual respect?

Iwantanelephant · 25/10/2013 22:29

I wouldn't do it 3 times a week. I'd be doing it zero times a week. He doesn't see you as equal at all and doesn't give a shit about his kids either if he isn't bothered about them being upset because of him being moody. Toddler having a tantrum as he can't have 2 ice creams a day. What a prick.

You deserve better and so do your children.

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2013 22:31

What's the longest you've told him to fuck off said no to him for?

What made you 'give in'?

Altinkum · 25/10/2013 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Finest · 25/10/2013 22:31

Agreed with others. It is one thing for him to feel a bit sorry for himself, but he's not even simply seeking reassurance, just going into a mood because he isn't getting what he thinks he deserves and is entitled to.

He sounds like a bully, and quite petulant. How often do you give in to get him off your back? It seems like he knows he can get his way with the right manipulative moves.

daftbesom · 25/10/2013 22:36

YANBU. I have experienced something similar (not the foul moods, but I still feel the pressure. And my DH would prob be delighted with once or twice a week!)

It's a balance to find.

Could a bit more "wooing" from him make the difference? i.e. can he "tempt" you a bit more? Or do more housework?

Or - excuse me for asking - do you feel, erm, appropriately satisfied when you do do it? Halloween Grin

If he feels like he wants it and you are not up for it, does he do the "right-hand" thing? At least that would give him some release.

Getting moody is not fair on you. You need to address it together through talking about it.

TheCrackFoxFucker · 25/10/2013 22:39

Can't he just have a wank??

Original poster
showmethemoneyhoney · 25/10/2013 22:40

We've come to blows over the situation before (not literally I might add) and he's promised to change, but although sometimes I'm quite happy to do it 4/5/6 times a week (and enjoyed it), other times I'm not and this is when he turns into a total moody git. I've contemplated calling it a day but I do love him the rest of the time, I just can't be doing with the grumps when he thinks he's not getting enough.

OP posts:
wintersdawn · 25/10/2013 22:41

I've been the one in a relationship with the higher drive and I'd have never taken the lack of sex out on others. It's about respecting your partner and I'd far rather have less frequent sex that you both want and means something than constant sex with someone who doesn't want it.

Finest · 25/10/2013 22:43

If you're already considering calling it a day, then the advice from most would probably be that you should.

His behaviour sounds unreasonable and unacceptable, and if your sex drives just don't match, you're going to continue to feel pressured to have more sex than you want for the rest of the life, or he's going to continue his self-pity.

Does this behaviour spread to other areas of his life? Does he generally have a mood tantrum when he doesn't get his way, or is it just sex?

BasilFucker · 25/10/2013 22:43

What does he do to make you want to have sex with him?

He sounds like he thinks you are some sort of glorified wank sock, is he aware that actually, you are a human being like him and that your body is your's, not his?

Jesus.

picnicbasketcase · 25/10/2013 22:43

He needs to snap the fuck out of it and realise that sex isn't actually an entitlement. It's for BOTH of you, not something you're meant to just give him.

eala · 25/10/2013 22:45

You're not being unreasonable.
Incompatible sex drives are a very common and under-recognised cause of relationship strife, imo. I recommend reading some of Dan Savage's extensive archives - lots of good advice (and humour) on this topic there.
Good luck!

Sallyingforth · 25/10/2013 22:46

He doesn't need to go without sex. He can have it as often as he wants.

When you want it as well he can have it with you. Otherwise he can have it by himself. He sounds a wanker anyway.

Original poster
showmethemoneyhoney · 25/10/2013 22:48

Daftbesom Yes, when I'm in the mood, its great, absolutely no complaints at all - he's a very attentive lover. Its just the frequency I object to.

CrackFox I've told him to go ahead, bit his argument is that my hand is much better than his.

Agent I reckon the most I've said no is about 10 days, but that includes TOTM, when he will ask me to give him a wank in the meantime as its better when I do it (not sure whether to be flattered or not).

OP posts:
eala · 25/10/2013 22:49

btw as someone with a higher-than-average sex drive myself, i do feel sympathy for him, but being moody about the issue is not helping at all.

ChilledGhost · 25/10/2013 22:51

Moody git, he's acting like a teenage boy. You're not a machine for his pleasure whenever he wants.