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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with DH's moods because he reckons he doesn't get enough sex?

85 replies

showmethemoneyhoney · 25/10/2013 22:21

DH gets mighty moody if he doesn't get "it" at least 3 times a week. We have been together over 20 years, married for 13 of them and have 2 DCs. I am quite happy with once or twice a week. He has a much higher sex drive than me and if he had his way we'd be doing it twice a day, every day. The thing is, if I don't let him have his way, he turns into the most miserable, moody bastard that ever walked this earth. Its awful - the kids ask why Dad is moody and I can hardly tell them the real reason. Its really getting me down. I've tried broaching the subject but I just get a response along the lines of "well you obviously don't love me" or "you should be glad I still fancy you". Sometimes I've done the deed just to get him off my back. Its not that I don't love him, I do, but I wish he would stop pestering me the whole time and quit with the bad moods when his testosterone levels get a bit high.

OP posts:
BasilFucker · 25/10/2013 22:51

Well it might be better when you do it, but so what?

Lasagna is better when I cook it from scratch, but sometimes, I buy a ready-made cheese sauce because I'm busy and not in the mood to cook and guess what, my family don't have the right to my unending labour.

Making sex a chore is the quickest way to take all the fun out of it.

GrandpaInMyMicrowave · 25/10/2013 22:51

I don't think the negativity towards your husband from other posters is entirely helpful. You've revealed one aspect of your relationship and many people have inferred from that that your husband is a prick.
Don't get me wrong, he is being unreasonable but I don't think it's as black and white as everyone is suggesting.
My advice is that you should explain to him how his moods are affecting the whole family and how in that it respect he's letting himself down as a father and a husband.
I think you also need to be understanding how difficult it can be for your husband to be entirely rational about this and let him know that too. But don't have sex unless you want to.
I think in some men's heads it is hard to separate finding someone attractive / sexy and wanting to have sex with them. In their heads the opposite becomes true, or at the very least they think if they were more attractive they would get more sex. Reassure him that this isn't the reality (I'm assuming it isn't) and that it is more down to your situation and the pressures of every day life.

DontPanicMrMannering · 25/10/2013 22:53

Wow just wow

ChilledGhost · 25/10/2013 22:53

She asking is she should be pissed off? Should it be all kittens and rainbows?

m.annsummers.com/p/philippa-hole-female-doll/08oninas0059037

BasilFucker · 25/10/2013 22:54

Grandpa, with respect, you are talking about the OP's husband as if he is a complete idiot.

He's an adult man, not a sensitive flower who needs to be gently guided towards the bleedin' obvious.

He already knows that his moods affect the family. That's why he has them - to punish the OP for not doing what he wants.

It's controlling behaviour and it stinks.

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2013 22:57

'actually, hes a prick etc... isn't a answer, nor is it plausible.'

Fucking is in my book.

You can have a high sex drive and still be considerate and not make the other person feel as though they're there purely for your sexual gratification.

It's the 'I'll make you so sorry you'll think twice about saying no to me again' tactic that I've seen in so many other controlling manipulative people.

I don't know how you manage to live with this constantly hanging over you.

How much of your time do you spend wondering when it's time for him to hassle you showme?

Do you dread the signs that he's working up to it?

WallyBantersJunkBox · 25/10/2013 22:57

He is associating sex with love, and he can't differentiate between the two.

And to blackmail you into feeling grateful that he still fancies you is fairly appalling - what's next? You're lucky he doesn't look elsewhere? Lucky that he doesn't use prostitutes?

Next time he says that you are lucky he still fancies you, just reply that it's a shame - you feel quite the opposite when he is a moody petulant child. It's one of the biggest turnoffs to you, and that you'd rather "see to yourself" when he is in that frame of mind.

Taking it out on the children is just ew, ew, ew.

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2013 22:58

This man knows exactly what he's doing Grandpa.

Very deliberate.

Very manipulative.

Mosschops30 · 25/10/2013 23:00

Oh god this was one of the reasons cited in my divorce papers under unreasonable behaviour

Looking back I can't believe I put up with it.
I'm now dating a wonderful man who doesn't expect, or sulk, or coerce Smile

Don't put up with this shite

GrandpaInMyMicrowave · 25/10/2013 23:07

Hmmm... Still not sure after reading the OP. I'm not saying I'm right about the husband but neither can you say you are about him being the prick you think he is.
I just don't think it's helpful to lay in to him or to judge so much. I assume the OP still loves him and wants things to get better. Well they won't for her if she broaches the problem with the mindset that he's a twat.

Scarymuff · 25/10/2013 23:12

Don't give in to his moods anymore. What's the worst that could happen? So he will be moody, so what. Tell him to grow some balls.

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2013 23:14

I've never met a kind, considerate, thoughtful man who's used these tactics repeatedly Grandpa.

But I have met controlling, tantruming pricks who do.

Saying those things to the OP shows what type of behaviour he thinks is acceptable, and for me that speaks volumes about him.

Do you really think this is a nice bloke to be in a relationship with? (in this regard, I'm not talking about other areas of his life (although I suspect he does it elsewhere)).

ouryve · 25/10/2013 23:16

He needs to wank more and show you more respect.

thehorridestmumintheworld · 25/10/2013 23:17

I think the op knows if her dh is generally U and controlling or if it is just this issue. I do think he is U to be so moody, but it can be hurtful to be "rejected" and if he really wants it twice a day but gets it twice a week then that is quite a lot of rejections. Well I think you should consider seeing a marriage counsellor because as a lot of ppl have said this sort of thing will kill your marriage. Other suggestion bromide in his tea.

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2013 23:22

If it makes him feel 'rejected', why does he keep pressuring her?

WallyBantersJunkBox · 25/10/2013 23:24

Yes we can only judge a snippet on here, but what I can see is:

He is extremely moody due to lack of sex (not oxygen, food or medical treatment - just sex)

His moods due to lack of sex are so bad that it affects the whole family dynamic

These moods affect the children so much that they question why (because from the outside they can't see their DM doing anything wrong)

He tries to coerce his wife into sex with sarcasm and nastiness.

His own children's well being and happiness at home is at the control of his penis and testosterone levels.

His DW has brought up the issues before, he has promised to change and is now reneging on the agreement.

He can't even respect her TOTM demanding that she masturbates him.

He can't manage his own sexual urges in an adult and discreet way, but demands that his wife do it. (God that must be so utterly business like - I'd be tempted to pop on a marigold)

He actually gets more sex than the average married couple with DC's. He gets 300% more than a lot of married men.

His wife's feelings about sex don't matter to him at all.

bellybuttonfairy · 25/10/2013 23:27

Tell him that him being in a sulky mood is the biggest turn off ever so a shag will be completely out of the question.

On the other hand, a man who happily does his share of the housework/childcare/chores and is nice to his wife is guaranteed regular maintenance quickies.

TheDoctrineOfAnyFucker · 25/10/2013 23:34

Ask him why what he wants matters more than what you want.

Is he a moody bastard at work when he hasn't had sex for a few days? No? Then he can control it and is deliberately taking it out on you and the kids.

usualsuspect · 25/10/2013 23:39

He sounds like a twat.

Tell him to go have a bank.

usualsuspect · 25/10/2013 23:39

Or a wank. Bloody prudish kindle.

DebrisSlide · 25/10/2013 23:49

Well, he sounds like a banker, usual Grin

It continually baffles me why some of the men written about on here think that petulance is an effective seduction technique. Or why, when it works to enable their use of their wife to have sex on, they are not repulsed by themselves. Gotta take a pretty big ego, huh? And a lack of belief that their wife is a person in their own right.

I don't know the answer, showme, There's a lot to unravel there.

ApocalypseThen · 25/10/2013 23:56

Well going against the tide here, I think teenaged petulance in an adult co parent is an astonishingly sexy thing.

AgentZigzag · 25/10/2013 23:59

Does it fire you up by taking you back to your youth Apocalypse? Grin

And what is there not to like in a sulky teenager eh?

ApocalypseThen · 26/10/2013 00:03

Mmmm... Sure does. I mean, if my kids were asking why daddy was cross today, the level of admiration and respect I'd feel for him...well, it's the kind of sheer animal attraction no one could control. Only human.

TooOldForGlitter · 26/10/2013 00:07

I wonder where I am posting these days I really do.

Succintly; your body is yours. Assuming you are not married to a teenage boy or a 1956 throwback then you are married to an entitled cunt. Sulking and creating an unpleasant atmosphere for your children to live in because his cock isn't being serviced makes me want to puke. Ditch the prick.