Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with DH's moods because he reckons he doesn't get enough sex?

85 replies

showmethemoneyhoney · 25/10/2013 22:21

DH gets mighty moody if he doesn't get "it" at least 3 times a week. We have been together over 20 years, married for 13 of them and have 2 DCs. I am quite happy with once or twice a week. He has a much higher sex drive than me and if he had his way we'd be doing it twice a day, every day. The thing is, if I don't let him have his way, he turns into the most miserable, moody bastard that ever walked this earth. Its awful - the kids ask why Dad is moody and I can hardly tell them the real reason. Its really getting me down. I've tried broaching the subject but I just get a response along the lines of "well you obviously don't love me" or "you should be glad I still fancy you". Sometimes I've done the deed just to get him off my back. Its not that I don't love him, I do, but I wish he would stop pestering me the whole time and quit with the bad moods when his testosterone levels get a bit high.

OP posts:
DebrisSlide · 26/10/2013 00:09

Is it the bottom lip you could ride a trike around that makes you think that he must be playful between the sheets, Apocalypse?

YouAreMyRain · 26/10/2013 00:16

Grandpa, it us extremely sad that you see this as being a "man" thing when actually it is a "nasty selfish person" thing.

My ex did this.

EX for many a reason and this was one of them.

He would be a nasty bastard when he "felt rejected" and would take it out on the dc. I would let him do sex to me to protect them from his moods. It was a horrible, horrible way to live.

I thought it was one aspect of our relationship but as the scales fell from my eyes I realised that the attitudes around sex underpinned everything. He was selfish and had little respect for me in all areas. He didn't care what I wanted or how I felt as long as he got his cock wet and got to ejaculate into me.

I made excuses for him because I thought it was a man thing.

It isn't. It really is nothing to do with his gender at all.

My DP is a considerate and kind person who NEVER does this. He never pressurises or coerces me and never sulks about not getting enough sex. He only wants sex with me when I want it with him. When I realised that this is how healthy relationships work I was so relieved that I cried. I am now very happy.

Thank you mn (and thank you Anyfucker)

lisylisylou · 26/10/2013 00:23

My Dh is like this and wants it ALL of the time. Usually, I'm too knackered and manage to shake him off like a dog haha!! I have to be honest though that if he sulked about it in front of the kids and it affected our daily life then I would have to tell him to pack it in and stop acting like a bloody idiot!!

SolidGoldBrass · 26/10/2013 00:33

A man who constantly whines and pesters and tantrums for sex quite often doesn't actually want sex. What he wants is to make his partner feel uneasy, guilty, scared and sad.

GreenVelvet · 26/10/2013 00:45

Would your DH go to Relate about it? Maybe he would have to take it seriously then, and you would get more clarity?

BearsBeetsBattlestarGalactica · 26/10/2013 02:19

My STBXH was like this.

I really can't believe I put up with it for so long.

MiniMonty · 26/10/2013 03:40

As a a bloke I have to tell you that in a relationship of that length, if he wants sex three times a week it's probably not about sex... It's much more likely to be to do with something else in his life that he can't either control, cope with or contain and it's coming home to you via this sexual pestering because that's something he CAN potentially control, cope with and contain and it's somehow allowing him to make some kind of balance. It can't be sustained though because the original problem is still there.

Talk to him about his work life, his other relationships (friends, colleagues etc) and try to discover what exactly is going on in the rest of his life that you might not easily know about or just perhaps not often talk about.

Regular sex - great.
No one talks about it in the playground but I'm pretty sure most couples with kids are not getting it on three times a week.
(and if they are I'm definitely not up to scratch) !

Try a little tenderness - look for the underlying cause of what is probably an insecurity about work / age / mid-life crisis (I don't know)... but you might find out.

MiniMonty · 26/10/2013 03:51

PS - there seem to be a lot of "just ditch the bastard" posts which clealry fail to recognise that relationships are a lot deeper and more complex than "sex isn't working this week / month / year" therefore chuck the whole thing in and "just ditch the bastard".

The "move on" brigade might like to stop and think about what is actually at stake for a person when they advise someone to end a long relationship or marriage and "just ditch the bastard".

Have a little respect for everyone involved here...
Slow down with your thoroughly black and white advice.
Don't forget this line in the OP:
"It's not that I don't love him, I do".

This is someones' life.
Be nice.

ThoRAVENomiki · 26/10/2013 05:45

MiniMonty Don't worry nobody leaves a relationship they don't want to because some people on the net told them to but it's helpful to know that others wouldn't put up with it and can make the OP feel reassured that their feelings on the matter are valid too.

vtechjazz · 26/10/2013 06:49

But he could die of 'blue-ball' syndrome!

FraidyCat · 26/10/2013 07:41

I agree three times a week for someone who has been married 20 years sounds like a lot. However in the absence of other information I will assume that there are no other issues and that his appetite really is that strong.

The mismatched sex drives is a real problem. Does everybody really think being rejected the majority of times you need sex and having to go without is a trivial inconvenience? Your sex drive has no resemblance to mine, if that's true for you. He's acting miserable because he is miserable. He could choose not to bother his partner with his problem, which would make her life better, but him suffering in silence wouldn't mean his problem is solved.

(If you think the phrases "need sex", "is miserable" and "suffering in silence" are too strong, and based on what I've read in this thread and many other similar ones, I think a significant number will think that, then again I say your sex drive bears no resemblance to mine.)

There are only really three possible solutions to this.

  1. He needs to want sex less.
  2. She needs to want sex more.
  3. He needs to find someone else he can have sex with.
TantrumsAndBalloons · 26/10/2013 07:42

I think it is very helpful for people who have been in relationships like this to post their experiences and explain that it contributed to the breakdown of the relationship.

When you are in a situation, whatever it is, you think it is normal. You think you are the only person who would object to it. You think it's just one of those things that you have to put up with.

No one has actually told the OP to leave her marriage and I very much doubt that anybody would get up and leave on the basis of a few posts on a website.

But there are things in life that actually, you don't just have to ignore, or do, to stop someone getting angry.
And IMHO the OP needs to know that it's entirely her decision when she feels like sex. And her husband sulking and taking his mood out on her children is unacceptable and she doesn't just have to get on with it.

It's entirely up to her what she does with that information but I would think it would be helpful to know that other people have experienced this and that it was also combined with other controlling behaviours.

JumpingJackSprat · 26/10/2013 07:46

Is not about advising her to leave a mutually loving relationship because he wants a little more sex than she does. The snap shot op has given paints a very badportrait of a sexual bully who is using sex to control his partner - the person who he is supposed to love and respect. What if he was throwing tantrums b because she didn't do enough housework? Would that be okay? Causing his children to wonder why daddy is in s mood today? Op this isn't your fault. Don't worry about the man apologists here. It's up to you to decide what to do about this - counselling, leave, stay, talk to him. I'm not advising you to leave. But you really really do not have to put up with be guilt tripped and coerced into sex just because he might have issues elsewhere.

FraidyCat · 26/10/2013 07:46

I should add that I think it's quite possible none of the three solutions are easily achievable, so it may just be a case of achieving a reasonable balance of misery in the relationship. Sad

FraidyCat · 26/10/2013 07:51

BTW, I agree that she shouldn't have sex if she doesn't want to.

If he gets his way, and that makes her miserable, she should LTB.

But the converse is also true: if she gets her way (he stops being sulky and does without sex) he's going to be miserable, and he should leave.

FraidyCat · 26/10/2013 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TheDoctrineOfAnyFucker · 26/10/2013 08:34

Fraidy, I think that might be an amalgamation of a few posts here, but I could be wrong.

OneHandFlapping · 26/10/2013 08:50

You know, looking back over my life, I've often not been able to have sex when I wanted it. There have been dry spells lasting years.

They haven't done me any harm at all - and certainly didn't make me into a grumpy sod.

I think some of us are confusing need with WANT here.

I think it would be shallow, selfish and entitled in the extreme to leave a partner because you want sex three times a week, and he/she wants it once. A long term relationship is - or should be, also about things that aren't sex.

kali110 · 26/10/2013 08:50

My first partner was like this. Not nasty but would coerce me into things that i didnt want to do by saying things like if you loved me. He knew id have done anything for him as i was worried he'd dump me.
Now over a decade later my sexlife is crap. Its not i hate sex but i allways feel i have to. My dp now is wonderfull.
Had bad health in last 18months so only dtd few times yet he never hassles me or is nasty.

YouAreMyRain · 26/10/2013 08:50

Fraidycat is that supposed to be helpful?

TheDoctrineOfAnyFucker · 26/10/2013 08:55

Couldn't find that post fraidy.

MamaBear17 · 26/10/2013 08:56

I have been in a similar situation with my husband. I wanted him to be more attentive (as in, sit and chat with me rather than spend all night on his laptop or watching the telly till fairly late, then start sex stuff when we go to bed, by which time I am sleepy and pissed off) and to do more around the house. He wanted more sex. We argued about it a lot before I saw this episode of 'This Morning' where this sex therapist advised this couple who were having similar issues. Basically, I told dh that I was tired because I was working full time and doing most of the house/kid stuff. I also felt ignored. So, we agreed to three nights a week where we would have sex. In return, he would do the cooking and laptops would be off by 8pm (we are teachers so some work in the evenings is required). We also went to bed early on sex nights and, to start with, he had to accept sex on the other nights was off the table. It sounds really clinical, but it worked. We both knew where we stood so there was no moods or misunderstandings. I felt like we could kiss and cuddle on the other nights without feeling pressured to have sex. Things improved do much in our relationship and my own sex drive increased too. Bit nervous about posting something so personal but i hope it helps x

BasilFucker · 26/10/2013 09:13

Fraidy grown adults do not need sex. I know our culture teaches us that men have neeeeeeeeeeeds, but needs and desires are not the same.

Nobody needs sex and nobody has the right to inflict their dissatisfaction and/ or frustration about not having it, on the people around them.

Good point about him not inflicting his frustration on his work colleagues, only on his wife and children, the people he's supposed to love.

God it's disgusting. To punish your children because your DW won't service you sexually. It's disgusting. How any of you can think this is even halfway acceptable, is astonishing. It reveals a deep-rooted sense of entitlement.

Iwantanelephant · 26/10/2013 09:33

Altinkum - he is a prick for having a tantrum when he doesn't get his end away and for bullying is wife into letting him have sex on her when she doesn't want it. Not for having a high sex drive Hmm.

JustAnotherFucker · 26/10/2013 09:54

I don't care what anyone says.

I would 100% LTB.

You've asked him to change and he hasn't. I could not and would not give such a man a third chance.

His moods affect the kids/household Shock I bet they don't affect his work and other relationships outside the home though.

Swipe left for the next trending thread