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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell SIL she is not welcome at DC's party?

93 replies

NeverBetter · 25/10/2013 02:25

I have a feeling I will be told IABU but here goes as I need to get some perspective.

To cut a long story short, I absolutely detest my SIL. I never really got on with her much but tolerated her for 'family'. I have come to realise that she is toxic and I suspect narcissistic. Following a 'subtle' hate campaign against me on FB and some other pretty bad stuff, I have blocked her and now refuse to have anything more to do with her.

She is very self centred and has on occassion gone out of her way to spoil events for us or our DC. I have posted before about these and been told IANBU to suspect she does this purposefully.

I'm not sure why, but she insists on turning up to our DC's birthday parties. I never go to hers, I just let STBXH take the DC because we dislike each other and there is no real reason I should be there. Whenever she is around me, I feel all tense and nervous and scrutinised by her. I can't relax and it puts me on edge and therefore I cannot enjoy myself. The party is at a playgym so hardly 'fun' for an adult.

It is DC's birthday party coming up and I have asked STBXH to tell her not to come. He is refusing despite the fact that he dislikes her also. He is telling me that I should tell her, so I'm considering messaging her saying something like, 'hi x. Given the situation between us both I think it would be best if you let BIL bring DCs to the party'. SIL is not quite yet married to STBXH's DB if that makes a difference.

If IANBU, is that message ok or what can I say that is polite but gets the message across that I want her nowhere near me or my DC?

OP posts:

Boardingblues · 25/10/2013 02:34

Does it really matter? Do you want your DC to have a relationship with their cousins? If so, I would say nothing. Be busy at the party and just get on with it. Don't reward her bad behaviour with a reaction.

Original poster

NeverBetter · 25/10/2013 02:39

Boarding, I realise this sounds petty but yes it does matter to me. I really wish it didn't, my life would be so much easier but I absolutely hate her. It's hard to describe but I get a bit shaky and my pulse races when she is in the same room as me. I should probably see someone about that .

And I know this makes me a heartless bitch but I couldn't give a flying fuck if my DC have a poor relationship with their cousins. I'm not close to mine, doesn't really bother me. I'm no longer with my husband but he has regular visitation and he can take them to see their cousins, just as long as I don't have to be around her.

OP posts:

Boardingblues · 25/10/2013 02:43

Then in that case, tell her. If her opinion of you doesn't matter to you and if you are confident that it will not affect your relationship with STBXH, then do it.

SomethingProfound · 25/10/2013 02:46

The relationship between your DC's and their cousins is the responsibility of your STBXH, this woman is no longer your problem tell her not to come enjoy your child's party.

Original poster

NeverBetter · 25/10/2013 02:51

STBXH is not saying that she shouldn't be told not to come, rather he wants me to say it. I don't think he's bothered either way as long as it doesn't affect his relationship with his DB which is fair enough I think. I think if I were to tell her not to come, she wouldn't allow her DC to come but it's no big deal for me, they're only 2 and 1 anyway so not like they'll be missing out on much.

Thing is, I know this is petty of me. And I don't want her to know she has got to me. But then I really don't want her there. The thought of contacting her is bringing me out in hives. I need to get a grip - I have an actual physical reaction to the merest mention of her name. That's not normal but I don't know how to get over it.

OP posts:

MokuMoku · 25/10/2013 04:12

I wouldn't have invited any of them to be honest. Just have a party with your friends and family and not invite your ex or his family. He can organise his own party if he likes.

HappyAsASandboy · 25/10/2013 04:23

Just don't invite the cousins? Then there is no need for BIL or SIL to come and they won't know when it is anyway?

Simple :)

DontPanicMrMannering · 25/10/2013 04:28

Imho you need to get a grip. Granted maybe we are nit aware of some serious history? Has she been physical? Verbally abused you? Or is this based on he said she said abs FB?

You cannot invite the kids and ban the mother. It's not right so just get over it or don't invite them.

Howsuper · 25/10/2013 04:30

Agree with Moku and Sandboy

Icelollycraving · 25/10/2013 06:13

Don't invite them at all. It would be vu to invite such young children without their mum. If they question it you could say the play place is better for older ones.

JustBecauseICan · 25/10/2013 06:17

Perhaps she turns up to softplayhellparty because, as I would be, she is concerned that her children will not be supervised correctly? What with it a)being in softplayhell where it's impossible to supervise all the children and b) what with you hating her and all, you might take it out on her kids?

My child would not go to a softplayhell party without my being there, especially if I knew the host hated my guts.

MissMarplesBloomers · 25/10/2013 06:18

Just don't tell them about the party.!

SHRIIIEEEKFuckingBearBlood · 25/10/2013 06:19

the OP is suggesting the children's father take them to the party. So presumably he will be supervising them.

JustBecauseICan · 25/10/2013 06:20

But, if, as you say, you don't give a fuck about your relationship with these people, or your children's relationship with their cousins, then you could at least have the cojones to tell her yourself, rather than letting your STBXH do it for you.

(I didn't speak to 2 of my SILs for 9 yrs but I never sent dh to tell them I wasn't their friend...)

SHRIIIEEEKFuckingBearBlood · 25/10/2013 06:23

think think what she is saying is she will leave it up to her ex to define the DCs relationship with his family

MatureUniStudent · 25/10/2013 07:33

Oh why make yourself miserable on your child's birthday at their party. If you don't want to feel shakey and nervous don't have them there. I spent decades seeing STBXH family who openly disliked me and then (including their grandparents ) dropped all contact with the DC when STBXH walked out. Stuff the toxic and be a bit selfish

Original poster

NeverBetter · 25/10/2013 07:41

Thanks all for the replies. I'll try to answer some of the points raised.

I wasn't expecting her to leave her young DC at the playgym unsupervised, my idea was that if they were invited and she wasn't, then BIL would bring them. I know none of you know her, but I'm having a chuckle at the thought of her not being willing to leave them at such a young age . She's no mother superior, her DP has and does more for the DC than she does. And when her DP is at work, she has her mother come over to help. And yeah, I do judge her for it. She's fair game IMO when she is rude about my parenting choices to my face.

I would love to invite none of them and just have DD's nursery friends but STBXH won't have it. He sees these as family occasions. But she doesn't act like family so I think it's ok to exclude her. We cut his toxic mother out of our lives so I don't see an issue with cutting out this one who is not a blood relative. The other issue is that I get on well with his sister so don't mind her or her DC coming. But she is lovely and she cares about my DC - SIL has demonstrated that she doesn't give a flying about my DC. I'm also close to my DSis so would like to invite her and my DN's.

I wanted STBXH to tell her because he will be giving them the invititstion and I don't want to speak to her. But if he won't then I guess I'll have to. Any thoughts on what I should say?

Without going into boring detail, I am not imagining her behaviour. She hasn't been physically violent but she is out and out nasty to my face, incredibly rude and has done things that in my eyes, you don't do to 'family'. I have actually started to discourage the DC from calling her 'Auntie' because IMO she doesn't deserve the title. My DC have other aunties and uncles who are lovely and love my DC and would never behave as she has so they deserve their title.

It's not possible to throw two parties due to the timing of it and also we are splitting the cost and I couldn't afford it on my own. Again, I really wish I could let her be there and just ignore but I know I will not relax and it will be stressful for me to have her there judging and watching. I would just like to be able to get on with it without feeling tense and anxious.

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 25/10/2013 07:44

You know regardless of what she's done, it's really not about you on your dc birthday. And it's really sad when you say you are not close to your cousins so it doesn't matter to your kids. It seems like a lot is about you. Just because you are happy to send your kids off with stbxh to their parties, doesn't mean that his Db might be happy his partner being excluded. You will be busy on that day anyway, so it's not like you will be in a room alone with her. You say you don't know why she comes to your kids events when you don't go to hers, maybe she likes seeing your kids. Sorry but you came across very selfish in your post. It's about the kids.

Original poster

NeverBetter · 25/10/2013 07:52

You're right coffee, I am being selfish. This is out of character for me I'm normally a pushover honest but she has pushed me too far. I think she feels she is missing out on a family event if she doesn't come and if I'm perfectly honest, I think she comes to sneer at me and judge. I think most of her issues with me boil down to jealousy, but she has behaved in a way that is unforgivable - not just against me but my DC too.

She is well aware that I have 'fallen out' with her as I just blank her now. She has said she doesn't understand what she has done wrong (hollow laugh) and I have offered to explain but clearly she doesn't want to hear it as she never got in touch.

I really wish I could take a step back but she spoils all my DC's events for me just by being there. I have never hated anyone as much as I do her.

OP posts:

DontCallMeDaughter · 25/10/2013 07:54

I suspect she will probably turn up even if you text her... if she is really as nasty as you say, then she'll get a kick out of being there despite knowing she isn't welcome.

I would just leave it... I wouldn't put myself in the position where I let her know she's riled me and then have to deal with her anyway. Let her come, but just do not engage at all - if she tries to speak to you, just smile, nod and walk away.

And then never organise anything where she is likely to be - even if that means having to throw 2 parties in the future etc. You shouldn't have to put up with someone who is openly nasty to you, but you can't stop her turning up to a public space.....

Original poster

NeverBetter · 25/10/2013 07:54

BIL does whatever is necessary for an easy life I think. So no, he won't be happy about it and probably wouldn't come either. Again, I'm past caring about hurting his feelings as he allows his DP to behave shittily towards his family and stands back and said nothing. Spineless twat.

OP posts:

rainbowfeet · 25/10/2013 08:00

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to message her the above message. Why would you want her there making you feel uncomfortable & if she dislikes you so much why would she want to be there other than because she knows she'll make you feel uncomfortable.
You are not excluding her children so if she chooses to keep them away. & not send them with their dad then that's her call not yours.

Original poster

NeverBetter · 25/10/2013 08:00

Ok, I'm probably outing myself here but she has purposefully booked events so that they have clashed with my DC's birthday parties. If family is so important to her and she wants her and her DC to be there so much, why has she engineered situations in the past that ensure that both her and other family were unable to attend .

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 25/10/2013 08:01

You know op, the best revenge on someone is to live a happy life. She knows that she winds you up that's why she continues, but rather than give her the reaction she wants why don't you really be the bigger person. Apart from your kids birthday you won't see her much, so why don't you put how you feel aside just for the day. I can see from your post you have actually pointed out she isn't blood, but that doesn't make her less of the kids mum. This says how much you don't like her. If she does come, you will be preoccupied with your kids, the other parents, etc. One person should not be able to affect you this much. You have your family there so you do have support. Just focus on all the good things of your kids birthday. Really there is more good than one bad person to come off this day.

NynaevesSister · 25/10/2013 08:03

There is no good way to tell your exDBiL. Just be up front and honest with him. He will be getting an invite that is for him and the children. Your ex supports you in this so I would say there is definitely grounds there for doing this. It is telling that he is quite happy for his brother's partner not to be there.

But since you are not a part of that side of the family then you are right to tell DB.

Do you think she is the sort of person who will turn up anyway? You and your ex need to have a chat about what you will do if that is the case.

Good luck. This is a hard one but some people are just truly too toxic.

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