To tell SIL she is not welcome at DC's party?

[NeverBetter]

I have a feeling I will be told IABU but here goes as I need to get some perspective.

To cut a long story short, I absolutely detest my SIL. I never really got on with her much but tolerated her for 'family'. I have come to realise that she is toxic and I suspect narcissistic. Following a 'subtle' hate campaign against me on FB and some other pretty bad stuff, I have blocked her and now refuse to have anything more to do with her.

She is very self centred and has on occassion gone out of her way to spoil events for us or our DC. I have posted before about these and been told IANBU to suspect she does this purposefully.

I'm not sure why, but she insists on turning up to our DC's birthday parties. I never go to hers, I just let STBXH take the DC because we dislike each other and there is no real reason I should be there. Whenever she is around me, I feel all tense and nervous and scrutinised by her. I can't relax and it puts me on edge and therefore I cannot enjoy myself. The party is at a playgym so hardly 'fun' for an adult.

It is DC's birthday party coming up and I have asked STBXH to tell her not to come. He is refusing despite the fact that he dislikes her also. He is telling me that I should tell her, so I'm considering messaging her saying something like, 'hi x. Given the situation between us both I think it would be best if you let BIL bring DCs to the party'. SIL is not quite yet married to STBXH's DB if that makes a difference.

If IANBU, is that message ok or what can I say that is polite but gets the message across that I want her nowhere near me or my DC?

If your STBXH insists on issuing an invitation to them as a family, including her, I think it's difficult for you to then disinvite her.

To be honest I think the best policy is to try your best to ignore her. Speak to your DSIL in advance about how you feel and enlist her support for the day.

Next year, when I assume your STBXH is your XH, you can arrange a celebration for your DC with the people you want to invite, and so can your XH, separately, in his own contact time.

I don't think she will turn up
If she's not invited but she won't let her DC come either. The playgym closes to the public for parties so I could have her removed I guess.

I meant it is right that you tell his DB and not your ex.

I think it's truly unfair of you to discourage the kids from calling her auntie if your stbxh wants to maintain a relationship. It's his side and his choice you will mess with your kids heads.

You say she judges your parenting so you hate her, well you judge her? You say she does nothing.

I'm calling pot and kettle tbh.

You have cut out mil, sil and seemingly your own cousins, at some point you need to start looking a bit at yourself.

To be honest, I think its time to have the courage of your convictions.

It would feel different if you were not soon to be divorced from this family - but you are, so there is no direct responsibility on you to ensure that relationships are maintained with your ex's wider family - that is his job, and he seems to be standing back from it in much the same way that your BIL "just lets SIL get on with it".

Just text and say you are sorry but they are not invited. If STBX wants to arrange something with them, then he can. Its not your job to make sure that he keeps his family happy.
I am the biggest believer in sorting things out by talking, and keeping family relationships happy, but this is not your family and you don't have to.
You are moving on .......

Well, if your ex is paying half then I think he can invite who he wants from his family.

I do think it is very rude to invite the cousins and their father but say their mother is not welcome. They are a family unit. You need to decide whether you want a relationship with them as a unit or not.

I don't see it as petty. Why would you want someone toxic at your dc party? The cousins will have no clue they missed out as they are so young. I fail to see why you need to justify anything? You can have it out with her if you must or just ignore ignore ignore. I tend to find the latter most effective. These people need your attention to thrive, nothing more annoying than someone who no lingers gives a fuck.

Op your posts are coming across very ugly on your part. Think it's time you took a look at yourself.

I've been in a similar situation with my Dh's SIL. About a decade ago, when dd1 was a baby she had the audacity to sit in my flat, in my front room and tell me I was bu by not letting her have my dd as a bridesmaid. She didn't like me, she said, but it was her right to have her fiances niece as her bridesmaid.

I had guessed that was why they were coming to see us (they hadn't spoken to me for three months prior to the royal visit!) and had told dh that if that was what they wanted the answer was a firm "no". My dh sat there and said "it's alright with me but you'll have to ask sparklymommy"!!!!!! He still says he feared for his life that night!!!!

That said we have not spoken in ten years. In fact very shortly after they married she cut BIL out of he whole family. All, supposedly, because of me. Because his family didn't "control" me and make me do what they wanted.

If I were you I would try and work it out. I have tried, over the years, for the sake of dh, who was very close to his db before he married the witch. It's never worked. And I hold a lot of guilt over it, even though its not really my fault.

I wouldn't bother contacting BIL or SIL at all. Let STBX deal with it.

I don't think it matters whether you are close to your cousins or not (as someone posted up in the thread it is sad that you're not). I'm not close to my cousins purely down to an age gap between all of us. I am the youngest of all of the cousins and while we're friendly at family gatherings, the only time I see them is at big family gatherings.

Getting back to the issue at hand, if your STBXH says that birthdays are a family thing and he wants to have cousins at it, why don't you let him organise a 'party' where his siblings (and nieces/nephews) are invited but let it be at his house.
You organise a separate and different party where the kids from playgroup/school are invited and you will never have to see the SIL you dislike if that is the arrangement (so long as the cousins don't go to the same playgroup/school as your child).
You could also have a smaller celebration in your house where your siblings/parents are invited and again, you don't have to see your Ex's family there either.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

You seem to be feeding off the hatred you feel for her and she seems to have a huge presence in your life.

My suggestion is you get perspective on this. She's not the focus of the day, your DC is, so stop giving her all the power to make or break your enjoyment of your child's birthday party.

Yank up your big girl pants and crack on with having the best party for your child.

Detach from the other crap. It's demeaning and irrelevant. Find ways to detach.

And have a wonderful party, they only get one a year, make it count!

Agree with everyone else who says ignore and rise above it. Enjoy your dc s birthday party and try not to even notice your sil s behaviour. We had a similar situation in our family, two people who just couldn't stand to be in one anothers company. Then one of their children became quite ill for along time, and everything else became unimportant. They still don't like eachother, but just get on with things. Little child is fine now by the way, thank goodness.

IMO, by specifically uninviting her you will be playing right into her hands. She will make sure EVERYONE knows how nasty you are being to her and you will look extremely unreasonable to make such drama over a kids party. How perfect for her to take your DC's party and make it ALL about her?

lf the very presence of this woman at an event where you will surrounded by family & friends and rushed off your feet has that strong an effect on you, you should address that. You can't stop her being a bitch but you can change the way you think and how you react.

The power lies with YOU. Are you going to give the petty little cow oxygen to breed her nastiness or treat her like what she is - beneath your concern?

If you say she's not to come from what yoi've said she'll go into ovetdrive and ruin it beforehand. By not saying anything and her coming you can have the controlling hand but only if you allow yourself to. Stay calm, if she turns up and starts just repeat to her over and agsin that ypurs childs party is neither the time or place for this behaviour. She wants to behave like a toddler,treat her like one.

You are separated, soon to be divorced. You don't have to do things together.

You can organise a party with people who you like - not including your ex or his family.

If he wants to have a "family occasion" he can organise one himself.

Trills well thats just lovely for the children, having to have a mum and dad who can't ever both attend their birthdays, what a pile of tense shit to lay at their doors as they age.

She had children with the man, she does indeed still have to do things together for the kids sake unless there are serious (abuse) reasons why not.

I don't include his whole family in that btw, just their dad.

If you tell her not to come then I suspect one f two things will happen - she will come anyway and do jerk best to make it unpleasant or she will act the martyr and be unpleasant. Either way she wins.

Take the upper hand here - don't specifically invite her, (but don't tell her not to come) and greet her with a breezy hello then just be busy with tour dc and the other parents. If she does start being nasty then just be "breezy" back: refuse to be drawn in and have lots of non-commital phrases in mind for your responses. It will annoy the hell out of her but you will be the better person.

If you tell her not to come then I suspect one f two things will happen - she will come anyway and do jerk best to make it unpleasant or she will act the martyr and be unpleasant. Either way she wins.

Take the upper hand here - don't specifically invite her, (but don't tell her not to come) and greet her with a breezy hello then just be busy with tour dc and the other parents. If she does start being nasty then just be "breezy" back: refuse to be drawn in and have lots of non-commital phrases in mind for your responses. It will annoy the hell out of her but you will be the better person.

Gah, families are hard work!

I had a huge falling out with my DSis a few years ago. We didn't speak (other than her sending abusive texts and emails for 2 years). I stayed silent and it enraged her - she would try anything to get a rise as she was furious I was totally happy both with my life and with her not being in it. I still sent presents for Christmas, birthdays etc to her & my Nephews and got nothing back and I knew it annoyed her no end when I did it.

And I know the physical reaction thing, I avoided the areas she lived & worked in and the mention of her name would make my pulse rise etc.

So, in short, I agree with others that if you really want to wind her up then let her come, be polite and civil and watch her fury rise. Be the bigger person knowing that you can never give her the ammunition she craves.

I agree with starfish.

Is this woman your ex husband's brother's wife? Is that right? You know you are not obliged to have her in your life whatsoever. If youir ex feels the need to facilitate that family relationship, then good for him...his choice. You don't have to do anything.

On this occasion you and your ex are both involved in the party arrangements, so you'll just have to suck it up this time. Avoid her, talk to other parents, be cheerful and breezy and keep any contact with her to a minimum.

Next year, organise the birthday yourself, and let him do his own thing as well. Clearly joint bday arrangements between you are not going to go well.

Your sil sounds a right specimen - has she got friends? Is she well liked by others? What's her problem?

And listen...tbh, I think most people would be reluctant to tell their sibling's spouse they were unwelcome at any event. That could cause a huge rift. I can totally understand your ex's pov on that.
You're the one who has the problem with her. He may not like her, but clearly he's willing to tolerate her for his brother's sake. It's not quite cricket to make him the messenger.

I think your message is fine, but as others have said it might cause more problems than it solves. I'm with starfish

If you feel shakey/nervous around someone I'd recommend a chat to someone about it. I'm regularly at events with a family member I despise and I just get on with it. It gets easier.

Just leave the inviting to him. Don't invite or ban her either way. If he chooses to extend an invitation then so be it.