To tell SIL she is not welcome at DC's party?

[NeverBetter]

I have a feeling I will be told IABU but here goes as I need to get some perspective.

To cut a long story short, I absolutely detest my SIL. I never really got on with her much but tolerated her for 'family'. I have come to realise that she is toxic and I suspect narcissistic. Following a 'subtle' hate campaign against me on FB and some other pretty bad stuff, I have blocked her and now refuse to have anything more to do with her.

She is very self centred and has on occassion gone out of her way to spoil events for us or our DC. I have posted before about these and been told IANBU to suspect she does this purposefully.

I'm not sure why, but she insists on turning up to our DC's birthday parties. I never go to hers, I just let STBXH take the DC because we dislike each other and there is no real reason I should be there. Whenever she is around me, I feel all tense and nervous and scrutinised by her. I can't relax and it puts me on edge and therefore I cannot enjoy myself. The party is at a playgym so hardly 'fun' for an adult.

It is DC's birthday party coming up and I have asked STBXH to tell her not to come. He is refusing despite the fact that he dislikes her also. He is telling me that I should tell her, so I'm considering messaging her saying something like, 'hi x. Given the situation between us both I think it would be best if you let BIL bring DCs to the party'. SIL is not quite yet married to STBXH's DB if that makes a difference.

If IANBU, is that message ok or what can I say that is polite but gets the message across that I want her nowhere near me or my DC?

Actually is he paying towards the party? Is so then ok, you may have to live with them coming and if you don't want her there put your big girl knickers on and just tell her she isn't welcome. If not then he either puts his big boy pants on, tells her or none of his family come.

OP

I think, unless you do not invite any of your DC's cousins, she will be there and it's a case of you having strategies to deal with it, some of which have been suggested upthread eg getting nice SIL to save you, being very busy with arrangements etc.

Have you booked and paid for the party yet?

I think I'm feeling so crap about this as it will be the first time I have seen her since me and H split. Actually, I stayed with him far longer than I should have in part because I didn't want her to be smug about us separating

Looks like you found the deeper reason why you hate her so much. You hate her because she's gloating at your marriage break up, and she's laughing at you while planning her own wedding! That would make any woman hate another woman. Don't be so hard on yourself.

You stayed in a bad marriage just so she wouldn't laugh at you. She is probably getting married just to wind you up, as she knows your DC will be at her wedding and you won't be there, you'll be sat at home getting really wound up. Do you see how silly the situation is? Maybe if you try and see how childish both of you are, it will help you stop hating her. Stop dreaming about her at night! She is probably dreaming about you too, dreaming of ways to wind you up even more.

The beauty of splitting up with someone is that you don't have to automatically do things "their" way anymore. Family don't have to be invited to every party.

Unfortunately H is paying for half the party so I guess he should have equal say over who comes. What pisses me off is that he agrees with me about the way she has treated is as so called 'family' but yet he refuses to deal with it. Fair enough, maybe to outright ban her from any future events might be rocking the boat too much but I just can't understand why he never pulled his DB to one side years ago and asked him to have a quiet word with his DP. If any of my siblings' spouses were braving badly towards my H or our DC I would be having words. Shouldn't really be surprised that he couldn't put us first though.

That's an interesting theory kawliga. I guess there's some truth in that but it is not isolated to weddings. She is competitive in the extreme and will compare everything in her favour. So in consequence to that she is mocking when things don't go so well for us. I'm not naturally competitive in that I don't actively seek competition or compare myself a lot, but if someone is blatantly competing against me then I find myself competing back. Is that something anyone else does? I'm not sure how far from 'normal' I am anymore .

Additionally, I know it is childish in the extreme but it doesn't help to know this. I don't know what would help. Except if she fucked off to the far side of fuck and fucking stayed there.

That's true Iggorcist but being the childish petty person that I am, I really want my DSis and DNs there. She moved away 2 years ago and I don't get to see them much (although we're very close and speak daily on the phone) and she happens to be visiting when the party is on so I would like her to come. Yes it is different because it is my family and they are nice joking, sort of.

If I were you I'd take iggor words on board and just ignore the bitch. If she tries talking to you then act like you don't know her. You don't have to deal with her now. You don't need to feel judged by her. You could save a dying bird in front of her and she would probably claim that you'd done it wrong and she'd saved a tiger the other week, just by breathing on it.

NeverBetter

I think we have the same SIL . I totally understand how you feel. My SIL doesn't speak to her own sisters or her other SIL's but it still bugs me that she is a cow to me too. Rationally, I know its her not me but I find it hard not to think about her and plan evil things I also have nightmares about her! It is so stupid of me but she is such a nasty piece of work.

I think I would not 'uninvite' her and I would try to raise above it all. probably an impossible ask

however this bday pans out I would have separate family bday celebrations going forward - so stbxh can deal with his own family and you with you're.

Let your dh deal with his family and do their own birthday parties (next time). I just wouldn't even go there. I'd be too busy getting a massage and manicure done.

Serious.

TheFuckersonEnquiry, it can't be SIL because she has no siblings. Well, she has a step brother for whom her father pays private tuition. She was complaining bitterly to us that he was using up her inheritance as he wasn't getting good grades . Yeah, and her private tuition couldn't provide her even basic manners so I'd consider that a waste of money too .

I'm really sorry you're also having to deal with a twatty SIL no I'm not, I'm glad there is someone out there who can confirm that I am not crazy but right and just and blameless .

I am somewhat that there are more of her out there. I'd love to get them in a room together - that would be fun. We could eat popcorn and watch the sparks fly .

It's really surreal to imagine a time when H and I will throw separate parties for the DC but I may feel differently in a year and I think would probably provide a solution to this.

My SIL is my Achilles heel. I have such a lovely life, everything is just peachy except for her and the thing that bugs me the most is that I let it bug me. Ggggrrrrrrr . I am usually so rational, sensible and calm. I never fall out with anyone I am polishing my halo as we speak but I can't stop being upset by her and I don't even see her.
I know she doesn't give me any thought at all and by letting her have this 'control' over me she has won.

I am still ranting aren't I

I just have to tell myself to stop but I can't always manage it. Luckily my Mum hates her too so we can have a group rant. My Mum is always 'nice' to her otherwise she would be banned from seeing her grand kids.

Anyway OP. It does feel a bit better knowing I am not the only one. Hope you feel better from your ranting too

I really think you need to see someone to get some counselling. Your obsession with this woman is unhealthy.

Midnight, I know
I don't know how I even reached this point. I don't want to feel like this. If I could just reach a feeling of indifference towards her, that would be ideal. I wouldn't say I obsess over her all the time, it tends to be at key times or if I am reminded of her for some reason. I've never found counselling all that helpful though so I'm not sure what the solution is. A good self help book might help if anyone can recommend a good one?

Fuckerson, rant away, it's good to get it out. I relate to everything you have said. Particularly about SIL being your Achilles heal. This is a small facet to my personality that I really dislike and for obvious reasons, is something I hide from most people so it's good to be able to come on here and be brutally honest with myself.

Yay, somebody has suggested I need counselling! My Mumsnet Bingo Card is nearly complete.

Now I just need someone to tell me to LTB and I will have a full house.

Fuckerson.

I've already been told to LTB many times on here but in fairness it was excellent advice in my situation so I did it .

I would say "given that we do not associate with one another, you are no longer welcome in my home. Should you wish to see or speak to the DCs, please do so via STBX"

For the future: every birthday does not have to involve a party, with both parents invited and having to agree what happens/who comes. Have a nice time on a birthday with a trip somewhere, a party-type tea at home etc. There needs to be agreements reached about which parent the day is spent with (or split day between you or whatever) but it's clearly not a happy family, so why try to be one every year? Parties are sooo expensive as well. Older children want schoolfriends there more than family I think. One day sil will hopefully just be a distant irritation for you!

I think you just have a lot of misplaced anger and its hardly surprising. You are no doubt under a lot of stress at the moment. Give it some time and I'm sure you will stop focusing on her so much.

You know how some people go hit a punch bag when they are stressed? Well, she is acting as a mental punch bag for you. You can rant and hate and be angry towards her and get all those negative emotions out. Eventually you will calm down and she will be nothing to you.

I think it is perfectly normal but if you are still so angry next year then some counseling may help.