To tell SIL she is not welcome at DC's party?

[NeverBetter]

I have a feeling I will be told IABU but here goes as I need to get some perspective.

To cut a long story short, I absolutely detest my SIL. I never really got on with her much but tolerated her for 'family'. I have come to realise that she is toxic and I suspect narcissistic. Following a 'subtle' hate campaign against me on FB and some other pretty bad stuff, I have blocked her and now refuse to have anything more to do with her.

She is very self centred and has on occassion gone out of her way to spoil events for us or our DC. I have posted before about these and been told IANBU to suspect she does this purposefully.

I'm not sure why, but she insists on turning up to our DC's birthday parties. I never go to hers, I just let STBXH take the DC because we dislike each other and there is no real reason I should be there. Whenever she is around me, I feel all tense and nervous and scrutinised by her. I can't relax and it puts me on edge and therefore I cannot enjoy myself. The party is at a playgym so hardly 'fun' for an adult.

It is DC's birthday party coming up and I have asked STBXH to tell her not to come. He is refusing despite the fact that he dislikes her also. He is telling me that I should tell her, so I'm considering messaging her saying something like, 'hi x. Given the situation between us both I think it would be best if you let BIL bring DCs to the party'. SIL is not quite yet married to STBXH's DB if that makes a difference.

If IANBU, is that message ok or what can I say that is polite but gets the message across that I want her nowhere near me or my DC?

It's not about you or your SIL, it is all about the children so why can't you just put your own prefrences to one side and just get on with it - the past is gone and harping on about it will not change anything, there are some people in life that you simply will never get on with but you have to learn to deal with this in an adult manner.
This 'he said, she said' business on face book is quite frankly childish.

The best revenge is indifference. Easier said than done, i know.

Your choice. It's a toss up between your legitimate feelings and the waves it will make with people whose feelings are important to you or future repercussions with other family members.

Thanks everyone for the great advice.

You know what, I am being childish and I know I am stopping to her level. Oh how I wish I could go back to being mildly irritated by her instead of this intense hatred I feel for her. It is tiring and all consuming. I hate that I have given her this power but I have no idea how to change that. I have other issues that probably need addressing too so some kind of therapy would be a good idea but I'd feel a bit pathetic raising this as an 'issue'.

I'm not divorced from my husband and probably won't for many years. We only seperated a few weeks ago and he is desperate to win me back.

I've put with her crap for 12 loooong years. Initially I just found her annoying but when we both had DC close together she turned her uber competitiveness against me and my DC. I could ignore it when it was just me but when it started affecting the DC then I'm afraid I got suckered in. None of H's family like her. For a long time they hated her more than I did. None of BILs friends like her either. She does have friends but I rather suspect she is able to be 'nice' to people who she feels superior to. She used to confide in me which mainly consisted of her slagging her friends off [hmn] and I realised what a two faced bitch she is.

There was a final straw moment earlier this year and since then I've refused to go to family things and if I can't avoid them then we just blank each other. I don't think she cares, she's trying to remind me of her 'place' in the family by turning up.

Anyway, yeah I'm being just as bad as her but she started it so ner ner ne ner ner. I was very polite in the face of extreme rudeness on her part and I snapped. Otherwise I am a very pleasant and lovely person with lovely friends who turn to me for help and advice . I'm not close to my cousins because we live all over the place and I barely see them. I can't really see how them coming to a couple of birthday parties a year is going to cement a close relationship between my DC and hers as they never bother the rest if the time. The pair of them are the only 'family' members who have not acknowledged my DS who is not biologically my H's and that sticks a bit as well.

In an ideal world I just wish she'd do the right thing and stay away. Like I do for her. She engineered this situation - clearly she never expected me to snap as I've taken it for so long - but I did. She underestimated my ability to hold a grudge. My grudge list is several people long (who have all been bastards to me in one way or another) but she resides at the very top like the queen bitch that she is.

allmycats, there was never any he said she said on Facebook - it was a one woman hate campaign against me but done so subtly that I couldn't call her on it. She told another family member who confirmed my suspicions but it was obvious anyway. I never (well maybe once) rose to it.

Just read back over the thread and wanted to point out that MIL fell out with us initially and I extended an invitation to get back in touch but we never heard back from her. She has never met our youngest DC. This was all H's decision and I just supported him, including when he wanted me to get in contact with her. I am very close to my family but his are really weird and disjointed with loads of fallings out. Which is partly why nobody confronts SIL as everyone wants to avoid more arguments. I'm not feeling so obliging anymore though .

Grudge list? Oh my. Don't you realise how much energy you are wasting on this woman? Life would be so much easier and happier if you just ignore her rather than seethe over her. From experience, letting go of the hatred and becoming indifferent to the person is like a huge weight lifting. I think there's a lot of people though who don't want the other person to "win" so can't take the mature route on stuff like this.

It's not an actual written list, just a bunch of people I will never forgive for the way they have treated me and they have a rough hierarchy. Is that not normal? This is very interesting.

I'm not too good at letting go. I have never been good with forgiveness as my grudge list demonstrates. It's not a case if winning I don't think because I am well aware that the best revenge is to live happily, I just don't know how to get there.

And yes, I would love to have that headspace that I have dedicated just to her back. I know this is futile, petty and childish. But I don't know how to change. Blocking her on Facebook helped a bit but I can't let go of what she has done or any if the other people who have been blacklisted. How do 'normal' people manage this being nature malarkey when someone has royally fucked them over?

Anybody able to help me tackle the crazy? How does one let go of hatred?

It's only been a few weeks so its perfectly normal to be angry and resentful. Not just towards your ex but towards others who have treated you poorly. It takes time to get over these sorts of thing.

I think you should get through the party however you can and then try and take some space from his family.

You may have a point there. I hadn't considered that this could be connected to my separation but since I have left I have been thinking about it more and having been dreaming of having it out with her and telling her all the reasons I despise her very being.

I think part of that is linked to the fact that I know she will be feeling like a smug twat faced smuggy little cow to know that we have separated as that proves that she has the better relationship and is more established in the family. I hate that she will be thinking that and I often fantasise about shattering her delusions that she has the 'perfect relationship' by telling her all about her DP's infidelity. However, luckily for her, I may be a hate filled cow but I'm not a shit stirrer.

The whole invite thing, we're only and have only ever invited the DC who invites adults anyway? but she makes sure she is there too. Why? Why does she feel the need to show her ugly smug face at my DC's events?

You know what? If you just don't bother getting in touch with SIL or BIL at all, then there's a possibility that your husband might not ever get around to it. And then you can justifiably say that he asked you to leave it up to him to make the arrangements.

If she does turn up, be too busy to notice her for a while.

OP, I get that you don't like her, but if both our kids are invited to a party, we usually both go too, especially as they are both so young and it's a soft play party so supervision is needed. She might not be coming simply to piss you off.

Have you ever heard that saying, 'Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die'? I think you have to take some steps to let go.

I would recommend some things that worked for me (also vile SIL) when dealing with situations where she would be:

• Don't initiate contact or conversations other than to smile and say 'Hi' (from across the room if possible, don't go over and start a conversation but do acknowledge her)
• Keep all conversations short and LIGHT - this is your mantra: 'Keep it light' - Don't tell her anything private, anything interesting, don't talk about any other people - just basic and uninteresting stuff e.g. 'Warm today, isn't it?', 'Oooh this tea is lovely' - small talk.
• Don't be drawn into conversations you don't want to have.
• Use selective deafness where needed. If she says something rude, pretend not to have heard and don't react or respond.
• If asked something you don't want to answer, smile, look into the middle distance and say 'Excuse me a sec' then walk away - to the toilet, to speak to someone else - anywhere, just away.

She's not nice - you're not friends. It's as simple as that. You don't need to go on giving the situation headspace. When you start thinking about the things she has done that have upset you, actively stop yourself. Make an effort to think of something else. Don't sit around stewing. Focus on nice things and nice people and reduce the time and energy you are wasting on thinking about her.

I think you're putting too much time and effort into hating her. To the extent that you seem to be on the verge spoiling your DC's party for yourself.

It's okay to not like someone. It's okay to even hate someone. It's not going to get you anywhere though. If you detest her so much then stay away from her. Keep her out of your life and stay out of hers. Minimise all contact with her. Why are you wasting your energy on someone who doesn't mean anything to you and who you would rather have zero contact with?

Just ignore her. Rise above the bitchiness that she expresses and concentrate on the good people in your life.

Anyone can lead you to the abyss, it's only you that can step into it....she's taking you there, don't give her the satisfaction or you the heartache of stepping into it

Thanks for all the advice on how I should handle this.

Since I blocked her on FB and started blanking her at events we are both at, I have had nothing more to do with her but still my feelings are unchanged.

I've tried to consciously stop thinking of her but then I dream about her instead. I just don't know how to make myself snap out of this. She's nothing to do with me but she will still be in my DC's lives and I hate that. They're getting married soon and I know I will find the day hard knowing that my DC are there.

I might believe she comes to the parties to share the care of the DC but for the fact that she sits there looking smug and scoffing food while her DP tends to the children. I think she comes to make a point and judge me. There's the chance that she doesn't notice but there's a massive atmosphere when she is there. I feel so self conscious with her watching me. She doesn't even need to say anything, just her being there does this to me and her laugh sends my stomach into knots.

Have you ever heard that saying, 'Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die'? I think you have to take some steps to let go

I love this saying and I try to use it as my mantra, repeating over and over when she pops into my head. It's not working though. It's crazy that I should start stressing over things like DCs parties months ahead because I know she will be there.

Please excuse me if I am missing something or am being a little cold hearted but why does his family need to be at this event? I appreciate you have only recently split up but if he isn't going to manage a non invite for his SIL then why don't you have this party for DS and his friends/your family and he can hold one for DS with his family?

I'm not sure either eatriskier. I guess it's because this is the way things have always been done - all family DC get an invite. Then the adults tend to come. I guess they see it as a chance to catch up and spend time together but I think there are better times and places to do that.

Some of the family used to arrange get togethers in secret so that she wouldn't be able to come. But that usually meant BIL couldn't come either as he'd tell her. If we ever got caught we had to act like it was a coincidence that we'd ended up at the same place so as not to offend her.

H knows how I feel about it but he doesn't want to cause a rift, understandably. Now I really don't want her there but do I allow her to have the satisfaction of knowing how much she gets to me? Or do I put my foot down because I truly cannot stand to be in the same room as her. I can see my life stretching out before me and having to deal with this. Although I can see when I no longer have feelings for H then I will probably be able to detach from his family more.

I would have thought your STBXH has the perfect out here. He can invite his family but the cost is not inviting SIL. He doesn't want to cause a rift but he doesn't have to, surely all he has to say is you don't want her there and as there's been enough upheaval for the kids already he would prefer it if there wasn't an atmosphere at the party. I'm probably being dense again though!

That would be a good way for STBXH to do it eatriskier but he point blank refuses to get involved. He says it is my problem and therefore I should deal with it. We have already argued about it.

See, if he refuses to get involved and you don't get involved, then nobody tells his family anything and none of them come . It isn't your problem to worry about.

I completely agree with Inertia.

If only inertia. He wants to give them their invitation but will not deliver any messages to SIL for me or even just say it wouldn't be a good idea.

I could write all their names in the invitation bar hers, but I suspect that that will be too subtle or if its not, she'll come anyway just to annoy me.

Thinking about it more, I think I'm feeling so crap about this as it will be the first time I have seen her since me and H split. Actually, I stayed with him far longer than I should have in part because I didn't want her to be smug about us separating. She's been openly critical and judgemental about our relationship in the past.