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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To ask friend for money for a meal for her DC ?

54 replies

KeziaK · 21/10/2013 09:00

My lovely friend is a high flier and well paid and working very long hours. I have been helping her out while one of her children has been seriously ill.
I have taken meals round and had the kids round for meals. This is leaving us uncomfortably short of money. Do I ask for money? It feels uncomfortable.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 21/10/2013 09:01

I don't think you can ask for money in the circumstances you describe. Help has to be freely offered IMO.

MortifiedAdams · 21/10/2013 09:02

You are offering help.

Dont offer more than you can afford to give - physically and emotionally.

Famzilla · 21/10/2013 09:02

YABU.

It's lovely that you're offering to help, but if you can't afford it then stop offering. I would be really hurt if one of my friends were doing me a favour in a time of crisis, and then billing me for it.

WorraLiberty · 21/10/2013 09:04

No, it's not fair to ask for money after you've chosen to give them food.

RevelsRoulette · 21/10/2013 09:04

I wouldn't. If you can't afford to feed them then find some other way to help. Maybe arrange to look after them at her house, and cook meals at her house from her own ingredients. Or do other things that don't involve cooking.

But I really don't think you can ask her for money. Unless she has specifically asked you to cook meals for her and feed her kids. Has she? If so then you could reasonably use her own kitchen to do so.

Ifcatshadthumbs · 21/10/2013 09:07

No of course you can't ask, unless your friend is specifically asking you to make meals and take them over, if you are short of money it's perfectly fine not to make food you can't afford to spare

expatinscotland · 21/10/2013 09:10

What Revels said. If her child is ill she needs to look at cutting back hours or hiring help. I would never expect someone to do it for free if I could afford it.

bluebell234 · 21/10/2013 09:12

maybe you can mention you are short of money, then she can understand.

Awomansworth · 21/10/2013 09:16

Did she ask you to help, or did you offer?

Either way you have committed yourself now and it would be rude to just stop supporting her without first having a discussion.

Obviously it wouldn't be right for your own family to go without, so I feel you have no choice but to have a chat and be honest with her. If she is a good friend she won't be offended.

CremeEggThief · 21/10/2013 09:17

YABU. You seem to have taken too much on, without thinking through the consequences.

Could you make meals with cheaper ingredients and not as frequently instead?

CoffeeTea103 · 21/10/2013 09:18

Yabu, it really isn't nice to do this after you have helped out.

Fleta · 21/10/2013 09:18

YABU - if you offered help you absolutely cannot ask her for money after the event.

If she asked you, you probably have more of a case of asking for money but you should have done it beforehand and not as an afterthought.

Original poster
KeziaK · 21/10/2013 09:23

I asked what I could do to help and she asked for meals but added that with work and time at hospital there was nothing to cook.
I can see the sense of forgetting what has already been given. I am wondering about offering to give her children tea today as it is half term and she will be at work until late. They normally eat their main meal at school.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 21/10/2013 09:27

If you can't afford t, you can't afford it. I don't get this, because we have no overdraft or credit, when there is no money, there is no money.

Text her, 'no money till payday so sorry but cannot offer tea to the children.' Be honest!

expatinscotland · 21/10/2013 09:29

Ffs, she can use Hungry House or Just Eat and have a takeaway sent to your house. Takes seconds. Why are you doing this if you cannot afford it? I had a child with cancer who was inpatient for months and would not have expected free childcare and food.

DoJo · 21/10/2013 09:31

Could you maybe tell her that you would love to help out more, but can't afford it. That way she will understand that your support is costing you money without you asking her outright for a contribution.

expatinscotland · 21/10/2013 09:33

Help out more? Sounds lie she has these kids there for all of half-term.

ThisIsBULLSHIT · 21/10/2013 09:35

Maybe suggest she gives you some cash and you get her some shopping so she has more food at her house?

Retroformica · 21/10/2013 09:44

Don't ask but do lee mentioning how skint you are at the moment

Retroformica · 21/10/2013 09:45

Can you cook at her house? Ask her to Oder food on line as your skint

kinkyfuckery · 21/10/2013 09:47

Difficult one. You have to be sensitive if her child is seriously ill; her worrying that she has put you out will only give her more stress.
I think you do have to mention that you are short of cash, you shouldn't be struggling to help her out.

Really difficult one

ZillionChocolate · 21/10/2013 09:50

I don't think you can ask for payment for things you've already agreed to, but I think it would be ok as part of a future offer. Eg I'm happy to have X on Wednesday but I'm finding the extra food a stretch on our budget, would you be able to contribute to the shopping bill?

SpoonfulOfJam · 21/10/2013 09:51

You have offered to help at a a time in need, but find yourself in financial difficulty, be honest and tell her. If she has a poorly child, then it's likely money issues are not even on her radar. As a PP said, tell her you want to continue to help, but are finding yourself in financial difficulty with the extra mouth to feed. I don't see why people think YABU.

mrsjay · 21/10/2013 09:55

you offered to help her you cant ask for money if you cant help then stop , I am sure your friend i s grateful and will repay in kind when her child is better, I can't believe you are posting this, if you cant afford to feed them just stop and offer less support

everlong · 21/10/2013 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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