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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To ask friend for money for a meal for her DC ?

54 replies

KeziaK · 21/10/2013 09:00

My lovely friend is a high flier and well paid and working very long hours. I have been helping her out while one of her children has been seriously ill.
I have taken meals round and had the kids round for meals. This is leaving us uncomfortably short of money. Do I ask for money? It feels uncomfortable.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 21/10/2013 09:57

Why not tell her the truth? If it's a friend she'll understand.

MrsCinnamon · 21/10/2013 09:57

Be honest with her. How many meals have you provided and how often do you have her kids round for how long?

IHaveA · 21/10/2013 10:06

If your friend is a 'lovely friend' then she would be mortified if she knew you were going skint. You owe it her to tell her! Yes, it will be a bit awkward but you will both feel better afterwards.
I would say something along the lines of..

Hi, lovely friend, I was just wandering if you wanted me to have the kids for tea today

Then if she says yes I would add

I was wandering if it would be ok if you could contribute a little towards their food, I know its awkward to be asked but we are just so skint this week. I thought you would prefer me to ask than struggle

She has been a little thoughtless not asking but obviously it's very understandable that she has other things on her mind.

Honesty is the best way to go with things like this.

BranchingOut · 21/10/2013 10:11

So the view of MNers is that the OP should stop offering the support that is probably desperately needed, because she cannot afford it, rather than be 'unreasonable' by asking for money?

OP, you sound like a friend that someone in need would love to have.

I think the best way around this might be to offer to do a supermarket shop for your friend, but ask for the money upfront as you are short of cash. Also ask if, while you are doing it, you could replace a couple of items that have been used up while catering for her children?

I am sure that it will be fine with her and it might also help her to twig that there have been costs involved in the support you have been providing.

waikikamookau · 21/10/2013 10:14

i helped out looking after a friends child when his wife was seriously ill, it did go on for 6 months, but he did pay me.
I am sure she wouldn't take offence if you phrase it appropriately.

sebsmummy1 · 21/10/2013 10:22

Bless you, no unreasonable at all, just stuck in a really difficult situation.

I think a very carefully worded message or conversation is needed. If I were in her position I would probably be so wrapped up in my child's health that I too would forget about money and food etc. it would only be afterwards that I would be thinking, how can I make this up to xx for being so thoughtful?

So you must tell her that why you are absolutely happy to make her children meals etc, you are finding budgeting for the extra food really difficult on your current income. Is it possible for her to do a food shop and you will prepare something from her ingredients.

Really tricky situation OP. I feel for you and your friend xxx

KirstyJC · 21/10/2013 10:27

I would say that you are happy to help and have enjoyed looking after them, but now you are skint and can't afford to buy any more food for them from now on.

If she is a good friend she would probably be mortified and offer to pay you immediately. If she has money, she probably hasn't even thought about it as it wouldn't occur to her that not everyone has.

FishfingersAreOK · 21/10/2013 10:36

If I were your friend I would far, far, far rather you were honest with me. I would be gutted if your wonderful kindness was giving you financial worries.

If, actually you would rather not help at all (because it is becoming difficult all round) then just step back (try and do it gradually so she is not suddenly left in the lurch).

If you are happy to continue to help as long as it did not have a detrimental impact on your finances then tell her. IHaveA has suggested good wording. FOr anyone that says you should not mention it FFS - what planet are you on? Really? You have a seriously ill child, a wonderful friend who is helping out and you would rather they just walked away for the sake of not having an honest discussion?

OP, you sound lovely. Really lovely. And I hope your friend's DC is better soon.

IHaveA · 21/10/2013 10:41

. Of course I meant wondering not wandering. Doh!

tiggerpigger · 21/10/2013 10:48

I don't think you can ask for money for what you've already given them, but you could explain that you can't afford to continue doing it.

She might feel like she'd offend you if she offered to pay you for your kindness!

Original poster

KeziaK · 21/10/2013 10:55

Thanks for all your brilliant advice.
I will sort this out we are there for each other as friends. We have done toddler, primary school, holidays, funerals, Christmas days, G.C.S.E's and just seen off 1sts to uni. This is not going to be an issue.

I woke up stressing that I need to fill the car, have my hair cut, buy clothes for DS, buy food and try to entertain DS for half term.

I think I will text to say 'I am off to the supermarket, want anything? I can cook for all the kids after that if that works for you.'

She would give me money if I give her the receipt for the food. She is brilliant but exhausted and distracted.

OP posts:

ThatsNotMyDueDate · 21/10/2013 11:00

If money isn't a big issue for her, she will almost certainly assume that this means you will cook the kids tea from your food.

I think you are going to directly point it out. If someone is financially comfortable, the thought that a few extra kids meals stretches the budget might not cross their radar at a stressful time. Even if they do clock the cost, it will likely be with the "I'll have hers back when this is over" kind of way.

HaveA has good wording.

BranchingOut · 21/10/2013 11:03

You need to phrase it more like:

'Would you like me to buy any shopping for you? Then I can cook for them all later at yours if you like - sorry, running a bit low at mine. Love Kezia'

Otherwise, the way you are phrasing it sounds like a gift and the muddle continues.

SweetSeraphim · 21/10/2013 11:11

I agree with Branching - your text makes it sound like you are buying everything again. Just tell her!

'I'm going to the supermarket, could I ask for a contribution for your shopping? I'm skint at the moment and it's worrying me'

sebsmummy1 · 21/10/2013 12:22

Sweet sera has some good wording above.

LimitedEditionLady · 21/10/2013 12:52

If youre good friends im sure she will offer your children for tea,what goes around comes around or whatever and im.sure youll be repaid in some way

SweetSeraphim · 21/10/2013 18:13

Yeah but that doesn't really help if she doesn't have the money right now Limited!

LimitedEditionLady · 21/10/2013 18:18

Stop offering or ask for money then?

QuintessentialShadows · 21/10/2013 18:25

'I'm going to the supermarket, could I ask for a contribution for your shopping? I'm skint at the moment and it's worrying me'

This is a good text.

whois · 21/10/2013 18:26

Perfect

Madamecastafiore · 21/10/2013 18:28

Can you not give them tinned ravioli or soup and a roll to try and cut the costs?

If they have their main meal at school I don't see why they have to have a proper meal that costs a lot in the evening.

QuintessentialShadows · 21/10/2013 18:31

Sandwiches and fruit is fine, to be honest.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 21/10/2013 18:32

I agree your friend will probably 'repay' you in the future with favours and support, but if it's overstretching you financially you do need to draw a line.

I'd go with 'Would you like me to buy any shopping for you? Then I can cook for them all later at yours if you like'. I wouldn't apologise for being 'a bit low' 'at the moment'; it's misleading and sounds as though you might be able to afford to pick up the bill again next week/month, IYSWIM.

expatinscotland · 21/10/2013 18:34

FFS! Just tell her you cannot afford to keep feeding everyone!

valiumredhead · 21/10/2013 18:36

Offering to cook at hers is confusing, it doesn't make it clear you need help with money.

She's a friend surely you can tell her you're a bit skint atm?

I don't think you can ask for a contribution for meals already cooked.

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