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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go or do people generally behave at a funeral?

29 replies

WestPier · 20/10/2013 13:45

A wonderful complicated person has died and there will be a funeral. I'm knew him professionally and although I will know others there I can't remember who's fallen out with who.

Do people generally behave or do funerals bring out the worst in everyone. DH does n't want to go, it's a long way away, so I'll be on my own.

Your experiences (or crystal ball advice) please

OP posts:
everlong · 20/10/2013 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenfolder · 20/10/2013 13:51

sounds unmissable to me.

people do generally behave at funerals, altho my mates fil funeral did end up in a fight with the police coming (classy- he is now ex)

Finola1step · 20/10/2013 13:51

In my experience, yes people do tend to behave themselves. Most go along, pay their respects, make small talk and give those who they do not wish to talk to a wide berth. Problems start if there is a fair bit of alcohol consumed at the wake.

SantanaLopez · 20/10/2013 13:51

Would you regret not going?

I'd go the service and keep your head down.

Grennie · 20/10/2013 13:53

People generally behave well at funerals. If there was going to be any visible ill feeling, it would be afterwards when people are drinking alcohol. But I think most people even then would just avoid the people they dislike

Dobbiesmum · 20/10/2013 14:03

I did some time working as a bar manager in my student days and covered an awful lot of wakes, ime if there's bad feeling that will be when any bad feeling blows up. I saw some real fights starting, usually a result of built up resentment and a few drinks. Tbh, if you think it will be one of those types of funerals I would go to the service and give the wake a miss.

Original poster
WestPier · 20/10/2013 14:07

I've not fallen out with anyone but his family life was complicated and various colleagues fell out with each other over the years.

He was a great guy so I'd like to say 'goodbye' but I don't want to get sucked into old grudges or any family stuff.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 20/10/2013 14:11

I would say weddings and funerals are the places where people are supposed to be on their best behaviour, but because they're so emotive and bring together so many people who have a shared history, they're the worst for fallings out.

And with funerals they seem so much worse because they're supposed to be dignified and about the person who's died and support for their family.

I would say to go and say your goodbyes, there's no reason why anyone would drag you into anything. If they do just say it's not the time/place for it.

Bettercallsaul1 · 20/10/2013 14:21

A funeral is the last chance to say goodbye to someone. If this person was important to you, go - you may always regret it , if you don't.

Tommy · 20/10/2013 14:24

it depends whether the people going are civilised or not!
If you want to go, then go. you don't have to go to the reception afterwards of you think it's going to kick off - people usually behave themselves in church and at the crem

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 20/10/2013 14:25

I don't understand why you wouldn't go if you wanted to - if it gets messy, you just leave surely?

AmberLeaf · 20/10/2013 14:29

A glass or two of sherry at the wake can bring simmering resentments to the surface...

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 20/10/2013 14:29

Go to the service then go home.

Could your partner go with you and wait outside for you. I think it pretty shitty thing for a partner not to support you at a funeral.

TheNunsOfGavarone · 20/10/2013 14:31

Things got messy at Dad's wake when one of my brothers got pissed, tried to pick a fight with another brother and burst into tears - but that didn't happen for several hours and until after quite a bit of booze had been drunk Shock .

TheNunsOfGavarone · 20/10/2013 14:33

Do go - the service at least will be very interesting. You can leave before things get complicated.

ImperialBlether · 20/10/2013 14:34

Why doesn't your husband want to be with you?

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 20/10/2013 14:35

Sorry just realised I put partner instead of husband

EBearhug · 20/10/2013 14:37

The service itself should be fine, as should the first drink afterwards. Any funeral I've been to, people have managed to stay civil, if there are underlying tensions, and just avoid the person they've fallen out with, but I realise this doesn't always happen. There were plenty of tensions in the time leading up to and after both my parents' funerals, but on the days themselves, things mostly went okay.

I would always try to go to a funeral of someone if they meant something to me. It's an important rite of passage with good reason.

Bettercallsaul1 · 20/10/2013 14:42

OP - I had exactly this situation a couple of years ago, when I really wanted to attend the funeral of a relative but knew there was a great deal of mutual animosity and hostility smouldering amongst some members of my family - made worse by the fact that they handn't seen each other to express their feelings since the last family funeral! I decided to attend the church service only and completely avoided the "social" bit afterwards. I also sat as near to the back of the church as possible, in order to make a hasty exit as soon as the service was over, thus managing to avoid all those concerned. I have always been glad that I attended the funeral, while completely avoiding any accompanying unpleasantness which would have blighted the occasion.

Thants · 20/10/2013 14:43

One of our friends slept with his best mates gf. They all stopped talking to each other after that.
But when a close friend of all of ours died last year everyone went to the funeral. The just kept a distance from each other and the ex friend didn't come to the wake. No one wanted a scene or problems we all just wanted to remember our friend who had passed away. I think you should go.

Nanny0gg · 20/10/2013 14:45

It's more likely to be the wake where there will be problems.
Go to the funeral and then head home and all will be fine.

Loosingthebigkickers · 20/10/2013 14:56

my ex bestf caused s scene at (I guess at the time) boyfriends brothers funeral. He'd died unexpectedly and tragically. All because she was offered to sit up front with the family. . she didn't want to..was so rude etc and then ensued a row at the wake over their dd. Unbelievable. But typical of her.

mrsjay · 20/10/2013 14:59

I find it is the wake that problems arise or you can start to feel tensions rise I was at a step aunts funeral she had a huge family her children all adults didnt get on , as the drink started to flow you could feel the air change it is time to go then, OP go to the funeral pay your respects people wil be civil but if you start to feel any tension just leave

Coupon · 20/10/2013 15:25

As long as you behave properly yourself that's all you can do. You won't be responsible for anyone else. Go to the funeral and perhaps one drink, then leave.

SpottyDottie · 20/10/2013 16:34

You'll only get sucked in if you allow yourself to be and only then if anything happens! generally people come to pay their respects and if you want to pay yours then you should go.