AIBU to think that sometimes people try too hard at Christmas

[randomchange]

Name-changed just in case. Some details changed to avoid outage.

My very good friend (F) has asked me to post this.

F and her DiL have always had a good and loving relationship and choose to spend time together without the son around. F is a kind and loving grandmother/babysitter to her 2yr old DGD and will be to the one that arrives in the new year. However, she has concerns that DiL has turned into Christmaszilla.

DiL says that this is the first Christmas that DGD will know what's going on and is determined to run it like a military operation with all the extras. It has to be memorable and magical. There will be a Christmas Hamper, Elf on a shelf, homemade Advent Calendar with home made presents, decorations up the moment December arrives, outside lights and so much more. She's making noises about a trip to see Santa in Lapland - you get the picture. Every time they meet up DiL has another new idea from somewhere.

F is expected to help and do a lot because pregnant DiL "can't do it all!". F feels that most of it actually doesn't need doing. And suspects she may be expected to fund a lot of it. She's wriggling out of things as kindly as she can and is considering breaking an arm so as to have a better excuse.

We are both in our 60s and remember Christmas as a very magical time without all the stuff that people do these days. It was magical when our DCs were small without shelved elves etc. I'm all for family traditions at Christmas and we keep to all of ours and they make the magic - but forcing loads of new traditions which are tiring (and expensive) to execute on over-excited children seems crazy to us.

Are we being unreasonable old fogies?

I think she can do it all without any unpleasantness, changing her ways or spending money.
She can offer to go around at the start of December and help her put up her decorations, saying, casually, I put mine up on the weekend before 25th (or whenever she does)
I think her son could be made responsible for outside lights at their house, say she would like to help but she is useless up ladders.
Any mention of Lapland just say in a friendly tone,' we would have loved it but have never been able to afford it.' Offer to fund a trip to one of the many places that do it, near me it is a canal trip which is very reasonable.
Offer to go around and help with the homemade stuff or make mince pies with the grandchild.
The best thing is to be very busy herself.
She could go to the library and get lots of Christmas stories that she can read the grandchild to put in some of the magic.
(I am rather intrigued by the 'elf on a shelf' because it is the second mention and I haven't a clue what it is).

I am all for the magic of Christmas, I just don't think that a lot of it for children needs to cost much.

Bit of an update. They were all together this afternoon and all is well.

DiL had already told her DH about some of her ideas and he knocked the shelved elf on the head straight away as far too scary (for him not DC1) and Lapland as expensive and a bit daft while DC1 is so young and DiL so pregnant. But to be considered when DCs are older.

DiL said to F she'd probably got a bit carried away and they've made a list of things they all want to do. F thinks DiL hadn't actually realised exactly how many random ideas she'd had. The menfolk are going to look at getting some more lights to go in the trees rather than on the house because the eaves are very high. But there will be lights round the downstairs windows (inside).

DC1 and DiL will decorate the tree at F's house the week before Christmas but their tree and decorations at home will go up much earlier. Lots more to talk about but everyone is happy and DiL wants them all to wake up in F's house and have the presents there so that it's easier for DC1 and F is fine with that.

As they were going DiL mentioned a firm that does artificial snow... She was joking.

Sounds far more manageable, if they want to set traditions they need to be able to do every year. (Still not sure what an 'elf on a shelf ' is)

Does anyone else wonder if DIL has read the thread? :o

Satin - EOAS is a little doll that arrives on dec 1st, and gets up to mischief or hides in different places each day to amuse the DCs.

Thanks MrsFlint, something I can easily do without then!

Nice update! Another win for "talking nicely"
I'm on a crusade

YANBU - I am a total Christmaszilla, but I do it all myself and only inflict it on my children and DH ;) I don't expect anyone else to fund it or plan for it.

Yanbu, but it might be a short-lived thing. The first married Xmas I had in my own house I went totally Ott, until I was begged to stop cooking stuff as everybody was full up.

I've been hosting family Christmas for more decades than I want to count because no other bugger ever volunteers and I still go totally OTT on the catering every year
Its called .....CHRISTMAS!!!

Ok:

Christmas hamper....doesn't have to be a lot. PJ's, Night Before Christmas book, maybe slippers, sparkly bubble bath.

Elf on The Shelf...creepy and unimaginative Americanised tat.

Homemade AC...again doesn't have to be expensive. Perhaps a slight ball ache if all of the "gifts" need to be handmade though.

Decs up Dec 1st... why not, they have to go up some time. Mine do, they look so good I get them up as early as is acceptable, I want to get the full 6 weeks value out of them.

Outside lights...presuming she doesn't live in Blenheim Palace this is not going to be a huge ordeal, in all fairness. Accidentally tread on anything mulitcoloured.

Santa in Lapland... doing it properly, you're looking at £2k+ so DIL either funds this herself, or doesn't go.

The pencil and paper chat over coffee sounds perfect. "DIL, before we get too carried away and do 10 things rushed and badly, what are the two that are most important, and lets focus on making those special, and perhaps if you have time after, you can add what you feel is missing."

I think we all took away different things as children from our family Christmases, than others did.

I remember the large open plan living room at night, everyone was in bed and I would creep into it, when the lights were off except for xmas lights, we had a cavern of tinsel and lots of tinsel chandeliers hanging down from the ceiling. I remember the quiet rustle of them as you walked round, and the smell, the smell of the tinsel. I have actually re - introduced tinsel because of that smell.

I remember a special serving platter thing my Mother had laden down with satsumas and nuts....and the embers of the fire, faintly glowing coals, the stocking hung up. I adored the way she dressed the house.

I remember the silence and quietness of that room and the fire and the smells more than the next day.
I would sit in a large arm chair and cuddle up by the fire and be over whelmed with excitement thinking about the next day, then I would hurry to bed scared in case FC knew I was sat there and wouldn't come. Then I would go to bed and worry I had ruined it.

sorry op, I think your friend will have a marvellous Christmas, it all sounds wonderful can we come

Yoni, that's just made me, like, totes emosh

Memo to self, no more wine tonight......

Nah if I am lucky enough to have a lovely DIL who wants to go a bit crazy at Christmas I woukd be inclined to indulge her (thanks MIL ).

I wouldn't do anything I couldn't afford/thought was dangerous.

But hey why not.

YANBU. I'm 27 so not a 'fogey' and i still feel children would rather have your time and attention than ridiculous amounts of money. Some of the most magical memories I have about my childhood christmases cost next to nothing, and were more about putting in some thought (e.g. my mum would make us put the carrots out in a bucket 'for santas reindeer' for example... then when we were in bed she would nibble one, break it up and put it back in the bucket to make us think they'd actually had some! and the rest went in the dinner of course). helping to decorate the christmas tree. my mum setting the pudding on fire with brandy. but do i remember the presents i got at any specific christmas? do i b**cks.

I think that LaQueen is right and children take different things from it.
e.g. There are people on here who will have their 'designer' tree and they will want to decorate it, tastefully, themselves, and the child is supposed to look on with wonder. However what makes it magic for the child is helping to decorate and put on all the 'old tat' that has a special memory or they made. To me the 'magic' of Christmas was adults having time to sit down, read stories and play games with you.
It isn't something you can buy.

It's possible that the relationship between them isn't as comfortable as 'f' claims and DiL is just making conversation.

It's possible that DiL wanted Christmas at their house but her DH insisted on going home again.

No need to ridicule her (and as is usual on mn, couch it in terms of concern) when this op is completely based on hearsay.

All OP are just one side, you just go on what you are told. There is always another side.

We can never comment on the other side as we would have to guess it.

Thats a good point plant I could imagine myself jabbering away just because I felt uncomfortable, hell, anything could have flown out my mouth with mine, including, ...."lets hire a sleigh and get fil in it , floating down on hot air balloons...

I think you, and your friend, just need to accept that different people want to do Christmas in their own way. If the dil is putting too much pressure on the mil to do things then she needs to find a kind way to say no. I find it difficult reining my mil in at Christmas because she wants to do everything her way, but between the two of us we are beginning to manage to negotiate our way through it. I would say your friend needs to follow her dils lead, but say if she feels put upon.