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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that sometimes people try too hard at Christmas

124 replies

randomchange · 20/10/2013 10:24

Name-changed just in case. Some details changed to avoid outage.

My very good friend (F) has asked me to post this.

F and her DiL have always had a good and loving relationship and choose to spend time together without the son around. F is a kind and loving grandmother/babysitter to her 2yr old DGD and will be to the one that arrives in the new year. However, she has concerns that DiL has turned into Christmaszilla.

DiL says that this is the first Christmas that DGD will know what's going on and is determined to run it like a military operation with all the extras. It has to be memorable and magical. There will be a Christmas Hamper, Elf on a shelf, homemade Advent Calendar with home made presents, decorations up the moment December arrives, outside lights and so much more. She's making noises about a trip to see Santa in Lapland - you get the picture. Every time they meet up DiL has another new idea from somewhere.

F is expected to help and do a lot because pregnant DiL "can't do it all!". F feels that most of it actually doesn't need doing. And suspects she may be expected to fund a lot of it. She's wriggling out of things as kindly as she can and is considering breaking an arm so as to have a better excuse.

We are both in our 60s and remember Christmas as a very magical time without all the stuff that people do these days. It was magical when our DCs were small without shelved elves etc. I'm all for family traditions at Christmas and we keep to all of ours and they make the magic - but forcing loads of new traditions which are tiring (and expensive) to execute on over-excited children seems crazy to us.

Are we being unreasonable old fogies?

OP posts:

diddl · 20/10/2013 10:58

Ah well that's a little different-did I miss that in the OP?

F should tell her to decorate her own house as she wishes, & she'll do the same, thank you very much.

Original poster

randomchange · 20/10/2013 11:02

Sorry, I should have said the day would be at F's.

But it's the activities in month before that are worrying F more, when DiL wants to cram so much in. Maybe it is pregnancy guilt with a touch of Pfb. Thanks for the thoughts.

OP posts:

diddl · 20/10/2013 11:07

Why is she worried?

Presumably DIL is an adult & can make her own decisions about what to do & she'll either manage or not!

Original poster

randomchange · 20/10/2013 11:10

She's worried because she loves her. She's worried that the drive for the perfect Christmas may be just too much and that she'll be disappointed or exhaust herself. She's usually a very laid back person.

OP posts:

AmberDextrous · 20/10/2013 11:11

I'm not sure if YABU or not as it's all a matter of choice.
But I personally love Christmas and have always gone all out at Christmas. I was brought up in a family where Christmas is a magical family time. We all STILL have stockings, play all our Christmas favourite songs over & over love the annual trip to buy a huge Christmas tree etc etc...
It's such a wonderful time & I would never want to change it.

SuperMuddle · 20/10/2013 11:11

I love Christmas, and am not ashamed to admit that I have started my planning. But, my planning is based on the time and money I and my DH can reasonably afford, and no more. My Pinterest Christmas board is insane, but most of it won't happen, it's just there to give me a few ideas.

My family Christmases were always special as a child, because there were decorations, and we got presents, and different food from normal, and got to wear nice clothes. All the little extras are lovely but they're not what make the day, and it does seem as though some people have forgotten that.

So, you are YANBU to think that your friend is being asked to do too much. Her DGD will not notice, or care, half as much as her mother thinks she will.

Not that it matters, but in case anyone thinks I'm having a 'youth of today' moment, I'm 32.

pastelmacaroons · 20/10/2013 11:11

I am sure my MIL thinks my xmas is also over the top with our decs....that our meal isnt right etc....but of course all of her decs, food and everything will be the right thing to do.

SuperMuddle · 20/10/2013 11:12

Not sure why I put the extraneous 'you are' in front of YANBU...

Reprint · 20/10/2013 11:20

OP, F is obviously close to the DiL - so why not simply be honest with her?
Genuinely good family relationships are best managed when people are open and friendly.....but open means open to ideas not just open with ones own opinion!!

Have a conversation with the DiL which starts out with "I have pen, paper, hot coffee & cake.....so can we sit and make the final plans for Christmas? We've talked about so many ideas that I've lost track a bit, and I am not sure who will be doing what!"

Then, be honest! if impossible ideas are raised, just say "we will have to scratch that one because ......" (i.e. major decoration of outdoor tree = FiL has said that he physically can't manage it because of the tree height).
When ideas are raised that DiL can't construct/arrange for herself, be honest about how many of those ideas can be handled by F ...and ask DiL to prioritise.
Anything which isn't an actual issue .... add it to the list!

The idea is to start talking properly, so F stops feeling swamped and mildly disgruntled whilst DiL doesn't feel that the inlaws are just not being festive.

Its the first Christmas that DC will be old enough to enjoy, and there is nothing wrong with a little bit of OTT. As another poster mentioned, by next year DiL will have sorted the practical options and dismissed the ones which don't really work.

Beccagain · 20/10/2013 11:21

Wait up...are you saying that DiL is expecting all this to go on (outside lights etc) at F's house.

Baby or no baby, I would tell her to go swivel!

If it is at her (DiL's) house then of course it is her choice and F may well consider joining her in her trip OTT for the sake of continued harmony.

And for those saying that this won't cost much then a) Dil can fund it herself and/or b) Have you seen the cost of trips to Lapland.

OP I think you and your friend sound lovely, and if it weren't for extenuating circumstances I would say that Dil sounds like the DiLZilla from hell!

diddl · 20/10/2013 11:21

"She's worried because she loves her. She's worried that the drive for the perfect Christmas may be just too much and that she'll be disappointed or exhaust herself. She's usually a very laid back person."

Well it is only Öctober & tbh, she doesn't seem to be trying to do too much.

Perhaps F could suggest she pares down to what the toddler might really enjoy.

Has she told her that she's worried that she will disappoint/exhaust herself?

Beccagain · 20/10/2013 11:22

Reprint you are NICE!

pastelmacaroons · 20/10/2013 11:23

Ummm I can just imagine myself seeing a lovely big house with all the potential to become the most beautiful Christmas house ever, in the hands of people who do not want that.

Why cant the son be up ladder to string up lights, why does it have to be the fil? I do not see a problem really, if I had a big old lovely house and someone said they wanted to go all out on the first xmas...as long as they did lots of the work themselves and paid for it, I think it would be fun.

Its not harming anyone and I am sure by next year she will have calmed down.

I also do not see a problem with a drive for perfection!

Beccagain · 20/10/2013 11:24

I also do not see a problem with a drive for perfection

OMG I effing well do!

Original poster

randomchange · 20/10/2013 11:24

Reprint I think you're right. F is going to have to talk properly to DiL about it. And your idea of pencil and paper and a chat over cake is a good one.

It's probably a case of getting carried away and not thinking how much she's taking on.

OP posts:

pastelmacaroons · 20/10/2013 11:29

I know I am going against the grain here on this thread, its just I can see my mum saying similar or my crusty old aunts twitching moaning about their dils doing similar.

I do not feel wildly possessive over our house, I would feel comfortable with my DC future partners, feeling like it was theirs too, I would want that...

I am just not sure where the son is in all of this and why he isnt helping or putting ideas in?

If your going to burst her excited Christmas bubble, i think you should do it sooner rather than later so you can give her time to get over it.

It will probably upset her, and as you keep stressing you dont want her to do too much or be upset by striving for perfection.

She just sounds excited to me, with the luck of a lovely house on hand to make things magical for the F grandson.

She is only working against a frugal older generation.

I feel sorry for her.

Thats her only crime!

pastelmacaroons · 20/10/2013 11:30

But Becca if no one wanted to push things and make them better, we would have no amazing Christmas displays in all the london stores etc....

Reprint · 20/10/2013 11:30

Well, thank you Becca - that has quite made my morning!

Beccagain · 20/10/2013 11:33

Reprint you are welcome

Macaroons you had me going for a minute there (with your posts at 11.30 and 11.29 She is only working against a frugal older generation ) but now I know you are having a laugh. Nice one!

pastelmacaroons · 20/10/2013 11:36

No I am not having a laugh. I do not see the problem here.

She is just excited I am sure that lots of her ideas wont come to fruition, its early days she is putting ideas out there.

I ask again, where is the SON in all this.

Floralnomad · 20/10/2013 11:38

TBH none of it seems OTT to me ,although I just don't get the elf and hamper business ,that's a bit too organised for me . As for the decorating if the son is going to put up outside lights and take them down I can't see the problem ,we do a huge outdoor display at my mums every year .if they expect your friend and her husband to do it then that's unreasonable . I would imagine all the best Lapland trips are already booked and the DIL could be persuaded that they could do that in a couple of years with both the GC. Perhaps your friend could join in the excitement by suggesting a trip to Disneyland Paris in December ,that's lovely at Christmas.

Beccagain · 20/10/2013 11:40

we would have no amazing Christmas displays in all the london stores etc....

I think you are muddling hyper commercialism with perfection then Macaroon Ah well, each to his/her own, but I still say it sounds like the OP's friend is coming from a very good place, and that her wishes can be respected too, and not written off as twitching and moaning

I still think you're having a laugh!

HuglessDouglas · 20/10/2013 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beccagain · 20/10/2013 11:41

Agree with you about the son, though Macaroon. But there again, Christmas is women's work after all!

HappyMummyOfOne · 20/10/2013 11:43

Some people like a simple christmas and others like to go OTT, no right or wrong way.

Cany abide the "i'm pregnant so you'll have to do it card" and expecting others to fund your plans is simply wrong. Either scale down or save for longer if it means that much to you.

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