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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that sometimes people try too hard at Christmas

124 replies

randomchange · 20/10/2013 10:24

Name-changed just in case. Some details changed to avoid outage.

My very good friend (F) has asked me to post this.

F and her DiL have always had a good and loving relationship and choose to spend time together without the son around. F is a kind and loving grandmother/babysitter to her 2yr old DGD and will be to the one that arrives in the new year. However, she has concerns that DiL has turned into Christmaszilla.

DiL says that this is the first Christmas that DGD will know what's going on and is determined to run it like a military operation with all the extras. It has to be memorable and magical. There will be a Christmas Hamper, Elf on a shelf, homemade Advent Calendar with home made presents, decorations up the moment December arrives, outside lights and so much more. She's making noises about a trip to see Santa in Lapland - you get the picture. Every time they meet up DiL has another new idea from somewhere.

F is expected to help and do a lot because pregnant DiL "can't do it all!". F feels that most of it actually doesn't need doing. And suspects she may be expected to fund a lot of it. She's wriggling out of things as kindly as she can and is considering breaking an arm so as to have a better excuse.

We are both in our 60s and remember Christmas as a very magical time without all the stuff that people do these days. It was magical when our DCs were small without shelved elves etc. I'm all for family traditions at Christmas and we keep to all of ours and they make the magic - but forcing loads of new traditions which are tiring (and expensive) to execute on over-excited children seems crazy to us.

Are we being unreasonable old fogies?

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 20/10/2013 11:43

Your friend does need to ensure that the outside display is tasteful ,nothing worse than tacky outside lights ie no Homer Simpson FC or multi coloured tat .

0utnumbered · 20/10/2013 11:44

I personally love Christmas too and am always looking for ideas to make it special for my boys. However I do all this myself with a bit of help from my partner (he works longer hours than me so I do a bit more!) I don't expect physical and financial help from anyone else.

YANBU in my opinion, if she wants to do it then she can get on with it herself, let her mother in law spoil her grandchild in her own way, dictating it is unreasonable!

fuzzpig · 20/10/2013 11:47

Well, on one hand I think YABU as loads of people here go what some would feel is OTT, and actually it seems to really pay off in terms of magical memories. And if the parents are happy doing it, and the DCs aren't overwhelmed, then it's great and I'm sure they will grow up very grateful that their parents put so much effort and thought into it.

BUT. There is the possibility that if she puts too much pressure on herself it will end up being a tense time. Nobody likes a martyr do they. It should be enjoyable not forced.

And I would totally flip if I was expected to fund someone else's perfect Xmas. Feck off. If DIL wants to do it then she can pay for it herself - or if she's really desperate for a contribution then that would count as their present from me I guess (but only the amount I would've spent on them anyway, no more).

I'll be honest I have put too much pressure on myself over various things and I have come to learn it is a bad thing. It's the price I've paid for being a very anxious perfectionist (does this ring a bell?).

I've found that Xmas can become magical all on its own especially once the DCs start nursery and do lots of activities there. I had shit xmases as a kid and no traditions to speak of, therefore I want to make more effort for my two, but our lovely xmases have evolved slowly. Tempting as it would be to nick every single idea from the mn Xmas board (and I am on it all year round so believe me I really care about Xmas!) I have instead only chosen one or two ideas each year and seen what sticks. I love the way it's evolving - no, it's not totally natural because DH and I don't have any good memories to base our xmases on, but it works for us.

Beccagain · 20/10/2013 11:49

And I would totally flip if I was expected to fund someone else's perfect Xmas. Feck off

Love love love love LOVE this! It's getting written inside all my Christmas cards this year.

JemimaMuddledUp · 20/10/2013 11:52

I was a little bit like the DIL in the OP when mine were very small But I had rubbish Christmases as a child, and I think I was trying to make up for it with my children and going a bit OTT

Over time I have calmed down about it though, no doubt to the relief of my MIL. We have carried on the traditions that the DC really love, but we don't worry about everything looking as though it came straight from the pages of Ideal Home Christmas magazine. And best of all I don't end up a frazzled mess by New Year

littlewhitebag · 20/10/2013 12:03

Our family Christmas traditions have evolved over the years and to be honest it is only the really simple ones which have remained. My children are age 21 and 15 and my 22 yo niece spends Christmas with us too. We have exactly the same food each year, we have stockings and we have all the old favourite decorations. It is always relaxed and lovely.

I suspect F's DIL will start evolving her own traditions soon enough. I think getting her to sit down and talk through which aspects are the most important to her is a good one, especially as she is obviously pg.

I am sure F and her family will have a magical Christmas if only because they can see it through the eyes of a 2 year old.

ilovesooty · 20/10/2013 12:21

If I were the MIL in this scenario I think I'd be considering telling her to use her own house for this extravaganza and start looking at booking to go away.

IorekByrnisonsArmour · 20/10/2013 12:30

Christmaszilla.

MokuMoku · 20/10/2013 12:37

Christmaszilla!! Love it!!

A friend of mine does the whole activity a day during December. I don't know how she can be bothered.

mkmjimmy · 20/10/2013 12:43

What's 'elf on a shelf'. Is that a thing?

IorekByrnisonsArmour · 20/10/2013 12:46

There's a thread on Elf mk I would link but its beyond my capabilities at the moment

It very creepy

IorekByrnisonsArmour · 20/10/2013 12:47

It's even

Mintyy · 20/10/2013 12:52

Yanbu. How awkward for your friend. She absolutely definitely shouldn't get involved in paying for stuff that she thinks is ott. Infact, why should she contribute at all? Presumably she will be buying a present or presents for the dgd, that is all that is needed.

PedlarsSpanner · 20/10/2013 12:56

yes E on a S is creepy-tastic

what's wrong with saying ''oooh look, a robin come to check on you children, let's 'ope you ain't been too awful eh''

anyway

back to OP

DIL can do what she wants to her own house, but to F's house? um NO! Reprint's post is perfect

ilovesooty · 20/10/2013 12:58

Well said Mintyy

PTFO · 20/10/2013 12:59

YABU!!

FGS let her make it what she wants for her first kid. Your friend can say no to anything she wants and as for her paying for it...clearly not on but what has her dil said that actually comfirms this to be the case?

The DIL is pregnant, hormones flying just let her get on with it, it really does not matter what your friend thinks does it! It bloody Christmas, I think DIL sounds fab.

pastelmacaroons · 20/10/2013 13:00

The problem is the DIL probably thinks the MIL is on board with the making xmas special. she doesn't realise yet they are not on board.

Its probably obvious to her - that its all hands on deck.....

whilst instead the miserble old fogies are thinking more of wrapping up bits of cole as thats whats they did....

MrsDeVere · 20/10/2013 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 20/10/2013 13:06

pastelmacaroons

Are your sentiments this unpleasant and ageist in real life?

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/10/2013 13:07

Less is more IMHO.

MrsDeVere · 20/10/2013 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrspremise · 20/10/2013 13:10

Elf on the Shelf is a bloody PITA dickhead, why do people think it's clever or cute?

ilovesooty · 20/10/2013 13:15

Still waiting to hear how pastelmacaroons justifies referring to people in their 60s as old fogies, miserable or otherwise.

Milkjug · 20/10/2013 13:15

Has the DIL actually told F that she expects her to decorate the outside of her house with lights etc??? That is entitled and rude (and I agree with F's husband).

I do think part of this is a generation gap made manifest, but on the other hand. F should point out to her DiL the difference between Christmas traditions and marketing ploys!

I have to say that while obviously what DiL does on her own funds and in her own time and house should not be any concern of F's, in F's position, I would find it an enormous strain to be hosting Christmas Day for someone revved up to the heights on making every single second ultra-special for her child. A lot of people whose children are reared like to slump in front of black and white films and get tipsy, rather than straining every nerve to make everything from the front door knob to the toilet paper sufficiently 'Christmassy'.

ilovesooty · 20/10/2013 13:18

Although having said that the OP invited the term. Still think the reference to wrapping a piece of cole (sic) is highly unpleasant.

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