DH leaving 10 & 7 yr old in sweet shop while shopping

[anotherglass]

We live in smallish town where everyone is fairly friendly and there is only one high street where everyone shops. However, we are knew in the town so don't know many people.

Today, while out shopping, my DH left two DS 10 & 7 in a sweet shop while he walked to Sainsburys which is about 70 metres away. He arranged for them to meet him at Sainsbury once they had chosen their sweets.

I was slightly freaked out by this as though we have been talking about letting DS1 be more independent, by walking to local shop, we have never let them be unsupervised in this way.

I said he should not have let me be unsupervised in this way because:

1. Boys don't know our mobile numbers
2. Did not have a mobile phone
3. Area is very bustling
4. Had to cross a busy road to get to Sainsbury's
5. DH did not discuss this with me beforehand

DH says I am being over-protective because the boys walked to pre-arranged meeting point with their dad after the sweet shop, about 15 minutes later.

AIBU to think he took too many risks this afternoon and should have discussed with me beforehand?

I would be slightly nervous at crossing the busy road bit but otherwise OK. I really do think the issue is that you have a nearly secondary aged child who cannot cross a busy road responsibly. I think you need to address that sharpish.

I don't think you're ridiculous at all OP. it would worry me.

I really think that by 7 and 10 your DC should be capable of crossing a road safely.
Mine had it drummed into them to go to a crossing ,wait, green man etc.
Mind you we walked everywhere - to school ,shops from an early age.

Well I'm afraid I do think you are completely ridiculous.

On two levels - firstly they are definitely old enough to be able to deal with that circumstance unless there are some key facts we are not aware of. In fact they did deal with it and we're probably really excited at this wee bit of freedom they were allowed.

Secondly you are undermining your DHs parenting decisions which are every bit as valid as yours, unless you are now going to tell us he regularly puts your children in peril, in which case my response would be why is he left alone with them then. He did not make the decision you wanted - but he made a valid one based on his assessment of the situation. It's extremely controlling of you to turn it into a huge issue and I am sorry but a 70 metre walk with one road to cross is - or should not be - argue issue at those ages.

If it is, oerhaps it's time to look at how you are building capacity into your children, but it doesn't seem to have been except to you, so perhaps it's time to trust what you are doing a little more.

I also worry that your 10 year-old can't cross the road.

Purely because of the busy road and no pedestrian crossing, YANBU. If not for that, I would say it's a perfectly ordinary situation for a 10 and 7 year old to deal with.

At 7&10 Yes.

By 7 DD2 would have had the sense to remember that she was a total dipstick when it came to roads and do as DD1 told her.

DD1 wouldn't have had to be in charge, DD2 would just have treated her as the adult for those crucial few minutes. I've stepped back and watch them do it going to the park after school, many times. It's wasn't simply age, DD2 is very much the sharp, streetwise and academic one simply an acknowledgement that DD1 was less likely to get them squashed.

Seems i'm in a minority because I don't think you're being unreasonable OP!

I wouldn't be happy that a 10 year old is in charge of a 7 year old. I'd also expect to discuss independence and how we would allow DC to gain more of it together with DH.

I agree that responses on MN vary drastically according to time/day.

Don;t they do cycling proficiency tests at about 9/10 to be able to cycle on the roads? Surely that has more risk associated with it than crossing the road and its judged a suitable age?

I don;t have a joint parent so I'm baffled that a parent shouldn't make this kind of judgement on their own - but I accept that maybe thats just something I'm not used to.

I agree with leaving them alone at home being less acceptable. I wouldn't have left him alone at home when he was 7 but at that age he was out for hours with his little gang of friends.

I think it's a bit worrying that it's the first time your ten year old has been out without an adult.

OP if it is the first time YANBU in your fears...but...

You have to let them have responsibility of themselves and each other. Your DH had arranged a place/time to meet them. They got there safe. They have to do it at some point and you should TRUST your DH to make good decisions for your DC.

I think you are nervous which is understandable but you have to back out a bit and let the children and your DH make decisions.

The 10 year old was in charge of the 7 year old for a few minutes with a clear plan of where they were going to meet their DF.
It went well so I would build on that experience.

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable to be unhappy about your seven year old crossing a busy road is there was no pedestrian crossing. It's fine for a 10 year but I don't think they should be expected to look after their siblings at that age.

I've never seen children as young as seven cross busy roads by themselves where I live so I'm surprised so many people think you are being unreasonable.

I can understand why you weren't happy but I do think that you are over thinking it. My 10 year old has been walking to and from school for over a year himself. He does have a few busy roads to cross but I've always made sure my children have been very road wise.

To be honest I think it's a bit weird that the 10 year old and probably the 7 year old had never been out unsupervised before now.

The thing is , you had discussed giving your eldest more independence, and the occasion arouse, so your DH gave it a try. That isn't ' not discussing it with me' .

DH and I had similar discussion about ds1 (8) but didn't agree to anything specific, a week later a perfect opportunity came up whilst I was in the park and DS1 asked to spend pocket money- I let him go to the shops on his own.

I didn't speak to Dh at that exact moment, but didn't need to and he, of course, was fine when we all returned home.

If you pre-arrange these things, they become a much bigger deal for all concerned- I think your DH saw an opportunity and made a quick decision based on your earlier talk - this is fine so , YABU

Oh, and re taking his younger sibling, I think being responsible for someone else makes dc more sensible, not less- so think it was a good call by your dh.

I've never seen children as young as seven cross busy roads by themselves he 7 yr old wasn't by himself

How long does it take to cross a road?!

First time crossing a road your children were probably extremely cautious - cocky teenagers who think they know everything and don;t pay attention are much more at risk.

I do think that certain areas of the UK are more precious about their dc.

I've recently moved from a rather naice area (well, close to it anyway - I lived somewhere a bit rougher!) to a slightly more laidback place (different county, over 100 miles away).

In the first area, dc were driven from door to school gate and vice versa at the end of the day, even secondary school kids. The bus getting to me to school would sometimes be stuck in traffic for ages due to parents needing to be as close to the school for pick-up as possible.

Where I am now, I'm stunned at how many primary kids walk to school by themselves - my 8 year-old has started walking home with his friends some days, although we're only a five minute walk away. The local secondary school has zero parents picking up at the end of the day - ALL the kids make their own way home or get the bus.

DD is at this school (Year 7) and has to walk there and back each day, a good 20 min walk. She's 11 and is coping with it just fine. She also started walking home with friends while in Year 6. Some of her friends on Facebook in our old area are now being driven to the gate and picked up there at the end of the school day.

At what age do people think it is appropriate for kids to be out and about alone then?

We previously lived in a very rough part of London. Not even DH would let DS's out of his sight around there. Where we are now is far more family friendly and it's more common to see children walking to school in primary. Great to see this, and you are lucky if your children grew up in more secure environment and were allowed to develop their independence much earlier. I want my boys to enjoy their independence but wished the transition had been a little more gentle than today. That was a massive step for me.

Groovee both my DC walked to school (a mile) -age 10.
Children need to be equipped with life skills not wrapped in cotton wool.

Hi OP, agree with last poster. It is normal to be nervous but you need to help your boys be independant.
The road traffic would be my only concern.
Where I live middle school system all children walk from year 5 and faily busy town.
Best way to install road sence is to ditch the car and walk everywhere with them.
I wonder sometimes how the local private school/driver everywhere by car ever learn how to cross a road.
So I don't think you are unreasonable just caring mum.

That was a massive step for me.

I get that. Doesn't make what your DH decided wrong.

Massive step for you but it was a gentle step for your children. You might have taken longer to get where they are today. Build upon this, instead of being down about it.

I hope you praised your children for their actions of being independent.