To gnash my teeth, clench my buttocks and wince each time my son calls my stepmother 'nana'?

[BusyCee]

So, I'll try to be brief. DF left my mother, sister and me when I was 3 for OW, who quickly became my stepmother. My relationship with her was always dreadful; I just don't think she liked me, and it really showed. I won't bore you with the details, but my self-esteem really suffered, as a result I behaved in a way that didn't make me happy during my 20s & early 30s, spent time taking anti-Ds and have spent a fortune on talking therapies of one type or another.

In the meantime, my mother (who did an amazing job bringing us up on her own, sacrificing lots and working bloody hard at home and work) dies suddenly of a brain haemorrhage 7 yrs ago

Since then my relationship with DF and stepmother improved;partly because I felt suddenly that life's too short to hold onto grudges and partly because, I think, they both retired and were overall more relaxed. Still found stepmother hard going (spiky, sharp, rude, defensive, self-righteous) but made the best of it.

5yrs after DM died my son was born. DF and stepmother assumed she would be 'Grandma'. Absolutely not appropriate for me in part because of the crap relationship with stepmother, but also because it sort of writes my mother out of history, and shows shocking lack of respect, IMO, from them for the job she did in bringing us up.

Wanted to address it the correct way, making sure they knew they were to be a big part of his life, and that my decision not a reflection on her, but directly related to my DM. So wrote a letter and has mugs made for them with their names on and footprints of DS1....all hell breaks lose. She storms into my house shouting the odds, DF goes into panic mode and effectively begs me to reconsider so as not to upset her. Ill abridge from here, but suffice to say it took about 18-24 months to get over it. With the end result that my DF press-ganged me into 'accepting' Nana, as a compromise.

The thing is, I don't think it's a compromise. It's from the same family or words that suggest to my son (and anyone else) that's she's my mother and has a genetic relationship to him. To anyone who knows the story it suggests that we're all happy family's (we're not, and definitely not with this rumbling on). And to me it feels a bit like I've betrayed my mother, and also my own principles. We don't see them very often, but are with them for the weekend now, and i had to say, for the first time, time today 'DS1, give it to Nana', and I honestly had a bit of a physical reaction to it - sort of disgust

So. After that essay. AIBU to hate it so much? And what the hell do I do about it, because its eating me up, affecting the (already not great) relationship with them and possibly starting to infect my son...

Tin hat on. Give it to me straight...

Of course it's not the SMs fault that OPs mum is no longer alive & initially I thought how lovely that she wanted to be acknowledged as a GM.

But then this " She storms into my house shouting the odds, DF goes into panic mode and effectively begs me to reconsider so as not to upset her"

I wouldn't want my child subjecting to them tbh.

The thing is what does your son want my mums dad died when my mum was eight , my grandma married again when my mum was pregnant with me whilst ,my grandma,s second husband was in no way my mums father or even stepfather really [as she was an adult when they got married] He was a lovely man and a great granddad to me all of my grandmas grandchildren and my step granddad grandchildren just called them grandma and and granddad because they were to us.

You will hopefully find your son makes up his own name for her- hopefully polite! You could try and guide him

My MIL tried to force my kids into calling their Grandfather Papa. I know some people like it, but I really didn't. My eldest asked his 'Papa' what he got called by other people and papa said 'Johnny' . So that stuck and was really nice because the kids had come up with it.

I am a step mother. I look after my step daughter full time. Her mother is still alive.

I would be absolutely devastated if, when she has children, they didn't let me be called nanny or equivalent.

I think I would still be upset If I was a more standard 'part time' step mum. BUT I would understand that that is my DSD's decision, not mine.

Your situation is completely different, and I can understand why you don't want it to happen. But think of it like this, biology or not, it would be nice for your DS to feel like he has a nana. Sadly, your mum is no longer here, but he will be told stories and memories about Grandma, your mother, and how wonderful she was and how much she would have loved him. He can have both. I understand you are hurt and feel sad but think of how nice it would be for him.

IMO there are many, many, many instances in which you can have a perfectly pleasant relationship with your dad/mum's new spouse or partner without it being necessary or appropriate to give them family titles such as step-parent or grandparent

Absolutely. And the OP's Father's wife doesn't sound as though she's "earned" it, frankly.

OP if you're not happy with it then you shouldn't have to put up with it. And tbh if she came into my house shouting the odds I don't think she would be getting a chance to be called anything. Who on earth is she to be laying down the rules.

I am a step gran and when dh' s first grandchild was born I asked the parents if I could be called Nanny Elspeth. That was fine and we've had no problems since.