To gnash my teeth, clench my buttocks and wince each time my son calls my stepmother 'nana'?

[BusyCee]

So, I'll try to be brief. DF left my mother, sister and me when I was 3 for OW, who quickly became my stepmother. My relationship with her was always dreadful; I just don't think she liked me, and it really showed. I won't bore you with the details, but my self-esteem really suffered, as a result I behaved in a way that didn't make me happy during my 20s & early 30s, spent time taking anti-Ds and have spent a fortune on talking therapies of one type or another.

In the meantime, my mother (who did an amazing job bringing us up on her own, sacrificing lots and working bloody hard at home and work) dies suddenly of a brain haemorrhage 7 yrs ago

Since then my relationship with DF and stepmother improved;partly because I felt suddenly that life's too short to hold onto grudges and partly because, I think, they both retired and were overall more relaxed. Still found stepmother hard going (spiky, sharp, rude, defensive, self-righteous) but made the best of it.

5yrs after DM died my son was born. DF and stepmother assumed she would be 'Grandma'. Absolutely not appropriate for me in part because of the crap relationship with stepmother, but also because it sort of writes my mother out of history, and shows shocking lack of respect, IMO, from them for the job she did in bringing us up.

Wanted to address it the correct way, making sure they knew they were to be a big part of his life, and that my decision not a reflection on her, but directly related to my DM. So wrote a letter and has mugs made for them with their names on and footprints of DS1....all hell breaks lose. She storms into my house shouting the odds, DF goes into panic mode and effectively begs me to reconsider so as not to upset her. Ill abridge from here, but suffice to say it took about 18-24 months to get over it. With the end result that my DF press-ganged me into 'accepting' Nana, as a compromise.

The thing is, I don't think it's a compromise. It's from the same family or words that suggest to my son (and anyone else) that's she's my mother and has a genetic relationship to him. To anyone who knows the story it suggests that we're all happy family's (we're not, and definitely not with this rumbling on). And to me it feels a bit like I've betrayed my mother, and also my own principles. We don't see them very often, but are with them for the weekend now, and i had to say, for the first time, time today 'DS1, give it to Nana', and I honestly had a bit of a physical reaction to it - sort of disgust

So. After that essay. AIBU to hate it so much? And what the hell do I do about it, because its eating me up, affecting the (already not great) relationship with them and possibly starting to infect my son...

Tin hat on. Give it to me straight...

Just use her first name.

I have kind of the opposite issue in that my mother's ex-husband (before my father) is a great friend of our family and I wish he was my DC's GF. He isn't though and IMO it would be a bit artificial to refer to him as such, so we use his first name. It's fine.

Gosh, so similar to my family history except I get on with my stepmum. We use "Nana (name)" but it was agreed by all first.

I thibk you are NBU but you are also BU.
Your mum was your childs grandmother and she is gone, and your child will not get to meet and appreciate her. Its a horrible thing and its not unreasonable to be upset but as someone else said, it isnt your SMs fault.
Your SM has been around the whole of your childs life and is married to your father. She is his step grandmother. There really isnt any reason for her not to recieve some acknowledgement.
Both DPs and my parents are divorced and married again. My DCs have 9 grandparents. They are all called something different. Nanny X or Grandma Y.
Rather than push your SM out, give her her own title, give your mother hers and make sure your child knows as much about your mother as possible. Give them both their own space in your childs life.

But it's about the existence and quality of the relationship - the name is incidental, surely?

I wholly and entirely understand your feelings and have been through similar as a child and as a parent. I would never have entertained the idea of calling either of my step-grandparents by anything other than their first names because we had a terrible relationship. OTOH, my stepdad is wonderful to my children so they freely call him Grandpa firstname.

In all complete and brutal honesty, although I empathise completely, it would be VU of you to project your feelings about your stepmother onto your child's relationship with her. The two are very separate and I presume that she's never been anything less than a loving family member towards him. Children don't give a crap about genetic relationships, so as far as he's concerned, she is his Nana. I'm afraid this is one you might just have to fume about quietly and vent on MN!

UptheChimney , me too re "Nana" and "Nanny".

I cringe still at a terrible cross -purposes conversation where I was talking about how lucky I'd been with my son's nannies and the other person thought I was talking about grandparents.

YABU

My children have 6 grandparents. My DH's parents are Granny and Grandpa, my mother and her husband are Nana and Papa (not massively keen him but the children love him), my Dad is Grandad and his wife has never been introduced - as she hates my brother and me and won't see us. I have told dad she can be grandma if she likes (but she's my age, so that wasn't entirely altruistic .

The children were told about intricacies as they got older.

My dad remarried, and me and her don't get on tbh, but when my ds was born, she signed the congratulations card nanny * I let it stands as they can never have enough family that care about them can they? Try to look at it from your child pov, it really doesn't speak volumes to people that done know you if she's called nanna.

If she's a decent woman, and will be good to your child let it go. I understand your feelings though.

YANBU.

She sounds like an insecure - and as a result, insidious - woman, that you would have been better off not having in your life.

If their need for her to be called 'Nana' is so important, then continue to let your DS call her that.

But under no circumstances would I call her that, if I were you. Why on earth would you, or should you??

Dotty

I think you should focus on your sons relationship with her and how important she will be to him, rather than your own relationship.

My mum had a step-dad and always called him by his name, so not dad or step-dad iyswim. Her own father died when I was 7 but I called him grampa when he was still alive and when I was referring to him afterwards too.

Despite my mums relationship with her step-dad, which wasn't the best, I still called him grampa too and absolutely adored him, we had a really good relationship. I had planned for him to walk me down the aisle at my wedding but sadly he died a few months ago.

Even though I called my mums step-dad 'grampa', it didn't mean I didn't value the relationship I had with my mums real dad and didn't have an impact on his memory either. What I'm trying to say, through all my rambling, is that even though it is hard at first to call her nana, focus on how your son sees her and how important she is to him and don't worry about not honouring your own mothers memory as it doesn't mean that she wouldn't have been important to your son.

My father's wife (we get on fine, but have never lived with them and so she's never really been or wanted to be a stepmother) refers to herself as 'Auntie X'. I would have been more than happy for her to call herself 'Grandma X' but she has always been quite adamant to be 'Aunty'.

My parents split up when I was 10. Both met other people and formed long term relationships.

Right from the word go I referred to my SF as his name and my mother is Grandma. My dad is Grandad and his partner is referred to as her name. This is how it has always been.

I understand how you feel OP, especially as I wasn't overly keen on my SF and there was no way in hades he was going to be Grandad or Grandpa. My dad's partner could have been some form of grandparently name but she chose not to be and that was fair in my view!

If it were me I would refer to your SM as her name to your DS. So I wouldn't have said 'Give it to Nana' I would have said 'Give it to name' and I would refer to her by her name whenever I talked about your family.

I totally get this. I won't refer to my dad's partner as anything but her name. There is no way she is going to even be 'auntie'. She hasn't earnt the right to that respect. But, and whilst you're feelings are perfectly valid and the lack of respect for you that makes you think she doesn't derserve that attention, for your own sake you need to rise above this. By letting this eat away at you, you are wasting time and emotional energy on them and the situation. They aren't worth the time and emotional energy you're spending on this issue. Names have different connotations to different people. DD1 refuses to call my dad granddad as she, quite obviously, thinks he's repulsive (she is as polite about it as a 4 year old could be and simply avoids him - not hard as we don't see them very often. incidentally she is right, he is repulsive).

My pfb called one of my dearest friends "Nanna Sue" when he was tiny. She was there for us when we desperately needed friends, looked after him, and me, and although there was no genetic connection whatsoever, was a big part of our lives, and he loved her just as much as both of his actual, "genetic" Nannas.
That said, the relationship you've had with your SM is a lot different, and not conducive to their being much love lost between you by the sound of it...
I guess it boils down to - what sort of relationship will your child have with his grandfather's wife? Will she love him and care for him, and treat him well? Will he see her as half of "Nanna and Granda" - after all, it will be a few years before he actually understands the "step" thing and why she is a step-grandma and so on, and (and I know it hurts :( but ) he will never know your Mam or have memories of her like you do, but will have them of SM.
Is the word "Nanna" so hard for you to hear him call her? Your memories of your dear Mam are yours and there is nothing that can ever take them away from you, no matter what word your children use to refer to anyone else.
I hope you find some way to come to terms with her, if only because nobody, least of all your Mam, would want you to be stressed and unhappy and worried about something so basically trivial as what to call "her"

I can see both sides, but ultimately your child your choice. My partners grandson calls me by my first name at his mothers request ( her own mother is deceased) and i wouldnt dream of arguing with her about it. Little ones make their own mind up about who is who in their family and what they are called doesnt really matter. A grown woman like your stepmother should be able to see this.

Jumping to the end of the thread....

DS has granny and grandad John, grandad and nanny Penny. He also has absent bio dad's family.... We call the absent bio grandad .... Barry :)

DM has been with her husband 17 years, DF with his wife 16 so it seemed right that they should have some sort of 'name'. Though I did want to differentiate to make my parents the official ones if you see what I mean.

Yabu and selfish and so are the other people on this thread who use their children to points score. I the people are that hideous and damaging keep your children away from them entirely. If not then let the children call them whatever seems natural. It would be normal for a child to call their grandads wife nan or nanna. Having that as a name is not at all disrespectful to your late mum.

YANBU. If this is the way you feel tell your DS this woman is not his nana or grandmother. And think up a suitable name for her.

Vivienne and others, in all due respect to op ds he is nanna I am afraid, he obviously feels comfortable with that. It's not all about blood but te relationship, as wants to improve the situation I would just go along with it, after all it's just a name. Mabey refer to op dear mum as granny, grandma so you differentiate it

ooh that IS working class, POOR YOU!

i would nOT allow any Nannery - the compulsory ending of any use of the Nan word is you have yo go on xfactor when she dies

Is she better and kinder to your ds than she was to you, if she is mabey this is why your ds calls her nanna

I think "nana" for your SM (you can still use her first name) and "grandma" for your DM would be an idea.
I like "grandma". Saving it for someone special even if they're not around any more would be nice IMHO.
The problem I would have here is that they seem to have brow beaten you into accepting it and your anger is understandably bubbling.
It's very hard.if I were no longer here I would want my DCs (or DGCs) to have someone as a mother/ grandmother figure.
But I'm not sure about it being the OW IYSWIM.
Your mother will always be your lovely mother.

I have a DM and a SM. we call my DM "grandma" and my
SM "grandma "name""
But I call my SF by his first name, and so does my DS and no amount of trying on my DM's part has affected a change there. So if you feel strongly about it I think you do get to choose.

My dgc call their stepgran Nana,me Grandma and their other grandmother is Granny.
I have step grandchildren and they call me Gran**e which is my nn irl. It suits all of us very well.

It would be normal for a child to call their grandads wife nan or nanna.

I don't agree in the slightest actually. IMO there are many, many, many instances in which you can have a perfectly pleasant relationship with your dad/mum's new spouse or partner without it being necessary or appropriate to give them family titles such as step-parent or grandparent.

I think (and so do a lot of other people) that these are names which need to be earnt, not automatically granted because you're having sexual relations with a child's parent or grandparent.