To gnash my teeth, clench my buttocks and wince each time my son calls my stepmother 'nana'?

[BusyCee]

So, I'll try to be brief. DF left my mother, sister and me when I was 3 for OW, who quickly became my stepmother. My relationship with her was always dreadful; I just don't think she liked me, and it really showed. I won't bore you with the details, but my self-esteem really suffered, as a result I behaved in a way that didn't make me happy during my 20s & early 30s, spent time taking anti-Ds and have spent a fortune on talking therapies of one type or another.

In the meantime, my mother (who did an amazing job bringing us up on her own, sacrificing lots and working bloody hard at home and work) dies suddenly of a brain haemorrhage 7 yrs ago

Since then my relationship with DF and stepmother improved;partly because I felt suddenly that life's too short to hold onto grudges and partly because, I think, they both retired and were overall more relaxed. Still found stepmother hard going (spiky, sharp, rude, defensive, self-righteous) but made the best of it.

5yrs after DM died my son was born. DF and stepmother assumed she would be 'Grandma'. Absolutely not appropriate for me in part because of the crap relationship with stepmother, but also because it sort of writes my mother out of history, and shows shocking lack of respect, IMO, from them for the job she did in bringing us up.

Wanted to address it the correct way, making sure they knew they were to be a big part of his life, and that my decision not a reflection on her, but directly related to my DM. So wrote a letter and has mugs made for them with their names on and footprints of DS1....all hell breaks lose. She storms into my house shouting the odds, DF goes into panic mode and effectively begs me to reconsider so as not to upset her. Ill abridge from here, but suffice to say it took about 18-24 months to get over it. With the end result that my DF press-ganged me into 'accepting' Nana, as a compromise.

The thing is, I don't think it's a compromise. It's from the same family or words that suggest to my son (and anyone else) that's she's my mother and has a genetic relationship to him. To anyone who knows the story it suggests that we're all happy family's (we're not, and definitely not with this rumbling on). And to me it feels a bit like I've betrayed my mother, and also my own principles. We don't see them very often, but are with them for the weekend now, and i had to say, for the first time, time today 'DS1, give it to Nana', and I honestly had a bit of a physical reaction to it - sort of disgust

So. After that essay. AIBU to hate it so much? And what the hell do I do about it, because its eating me up, affecting the (already not great) relationship with them and possibly starting to infect my son...

Tin hat on. Give it to me straight...

Marcopront - good question! I wanted him to call her by her name, lets call her 'Ursula'. So they would have been 'Grandad and Ursula'.

There's form here, as my maternal grandfather remarried a woman, lets call her 'Pearl' who my DM had a great relationship with. To us they were 'Grandpa and Pearl'. Pearl has always been on a par in my life with my genetic GMs, although I've always known how she fits in the family, and now she has no family of her own we have willingly and lovingly taken responsibility for her as she ages into her 90s because that's how our family is made up.

I think that makes it all the more frustrating - their insistence on a word means they are less a part of my family, the opposite of what they claim to want. So I think I'm comprising my principles for their 'style over substance'. Does that make sense?

YANBU. What do you call her - say Anne if that is her first name? In which case I would always refer to her around the dc as Anne. She is not your mother and she isn't their grandmother so if you don't want them calling her grandmother in any way, I don't see why they should.

To take 18 months to get over not being called grandma, when she is clearly not grandma - it is excessive and I can see why you would struggle with such a person.

it is funny but children often decide what to call people themselves - so I would leave it for now but see what your dc decides.

If you bring it all up again then it is going to cause more and more problems not just for you but for your ds

Let it go, your own mum would have been a grandma/grandmother/granny and no one can replace a full fledged grandma

nana is the paid help anyway in peter pan

Ivykaty -

I can understand where you're coming from, but she may actually turn out to be a lovely 'nana' for your DS. DH has a terrible relationship with his DM after a horrible time with his stepdad, but the relationship with the children are different.

Let your DS have a Nana. She's not replacing your mum, but this row doesn't benefit your DS in any way and its eating you up as well.

I do understand how difficult this is for you - when we were picking what my DS would call my DM I vetoed Grandma as it would forever remind me of the nasty bitch that was my DSD exW's mother who for reasons too complex to go into here was in all our lives rather too much (ie at all).

However, this is not about you and your Step mother but your DS and her and they need to work out her name together, it's not going to hurt your mum and how she knew you felt about her and also how you felt about your SM one iota. Plus, if you let her have this then it can only contribute to an improving relationship - which coming as I do from a highly dysfunctional blended family I know is hard. If it helps then call her Nana Surname.

In the end, if she's no good as a grandmother then it doesn't matter what she's called your DS will come to his own conclusions and being called Nana won't help her (just as I worked out very quickly that grandma was a cow).

I would have liked my DM to be called Nanny (as that's what I called her DM and we both thought it would be a nice reminder) but it didn't fit and we call her Granny now.

My DS only has my DSD as a Grandad and that's what he's called (but he is luffly). We call his other Grandads when looking at photos 'Grandad surname' - we're going to put photos of all of them up in his room (this has been a plan since before he was born).

I sympathise deeply.

I think though that your DS's relationship with her is separate from yours. So the crucial question is, do you think her behaviour towards him is and will continue to fulfill a 'grandparent' role so deserve recognition on its own merits?

I have a very similar family set-up though with far less animosity and my 'step-mum'*, who I've always called by her first name, is using her first name with DD too. I was interested to see if she'd want a different variation and hadn't quite decided what to say but she (tactfully I think - and she isn't always) was clear that her name should be used. She did at one point say that she considered my dd to be her first grandchild, which caused me a double-take emotionally, but, practically, in terms of visits, gifts, interest in her and lifelong commitment, she does fulfill that role.

(I did wonder if that might change at all when her own children have dcs but I don't really think it will, perhaps especially because they and I are fairly close, so our generation operates as a 'family', of which she is a major part.)

Is your family, or your step-mum's the sort where people who are not blood-relatives are aften given honorary titles? Like 'uncles' and 'aunties' who are really the parents' friends? That would give quite a different perspective on things and make it harder for her to understand your objection.

*It's only since my late 20s that I would have described my Dad's wife as my 'step-mum' and then only for ease of others' comprehension. She is her name, his wife, my siblings' mother and part of my family. When I was about five I looked up 'stepmother in the OED and it (then, it won't now) said 'a woman who marries someone's father after their mother has died'. That wasn't the case and I lived my mother, so she didn't perform a motherly role. I've called both her and DF by their first names since then (I think I felt that he'd relinquished his 'Dad' role upon leaving, so didn't make the Daddy-Dad transition). I felt very strongly that I had a mother, so had no need for an additional pseudo-mother, especially one who had actually caused my mother a lot of pain and harm. Since my mother died, when I was 18, the relationship has inevitably been simpler but also on more grown-up terms. Also we're all quite rational people, not overtly driven by emotion, so there's a big element of personality in all this.

Your own mother has been robbed of her relationship with her grandson. But not by your SM, by death. That is what is so shockingly unfair. Of course it feels even worse that the SM is now getting some of what you would far rather give your mother, but can't.

Let the kid call her Nana, and when he is old enough, explain that it's a word for grandma, but SGM can't be called grandma, as that is your mothers name. That way, every time he uses it, it will be an affirmation of your mother's memory.

Keep referring to her by name only. This is what we do with fil ow regardless of what she wanted. Older kids picked it up and have never referred to her as anything but her name. Littlest did call her nan once and it did make me shudder but I'm sure she'll follow suit with the others as they get older

I would just leave it, she is the only grandma from your side, as your dear mum is dead. to just allow him to call her Ursula is a bit disrespectful and I can understand why she is upset. Mabey Granny Ursula, or Nanna Ursula. Your ds has decided to call her that. I know teir has been issues between you, and she hasent been the most nicest of stepmothers, if you want to make amends just let it be, or ask your ds to call her Nanna Ursula. Keep your mums memory alive for your ds, talk about her, sho him photos

I think though, if her protracted behaviour over this has been detrimental to her relationship with your DS you have an answer about her priorities and commitment to him.

Beast. Spot on.

Maybe I need to get a more rational grip on that, and separate it entirely from the Stepmother. Regardless of what how we feel about each other, it's not her fault my DM isn't here to share in all this loveliness my boys bring me (quietly sobs...)

I'd go with Nana but what would make you comfortable?

Btw, I had a stepmother who is now an ex-stepmother. If she were still married to my father, no way I'd want her to be Grandma or Granny. She'd be Helen.

That's a great idea beast. My dear dad died when I was 11. I met my dh who is Italian, and in their culture out of respect I have to call his parents mum and dad, but they are not! It pains me calling his dad, dad because I already have a dad who is sadly no longer here. I avoid calling them anything as much as possible, they live abroad so it's easy, accept when they come over oncea year

YANBU I can completely understand how this feels wrong for you.

I have an issue with my FIL who insisted in being called Granpa when my dd (his first grandchild) was born, despite the fact that my dad was Grandpa for his 10 grandchildren. I said I wanted the two names to be different but my MIL did what she usually does and cried so my DH agreed to it to stop a huge row. Their reasoning - it doesn't have a 'd' in it so its different. Like a child will know that!

Fast forward two years and my dad is dead and now I feel like crying every time they refer to FIL as grandpa, I feel like my dad is slipping away even more. I've insisted now they say 'grandpa fil's name' but they very often 'forget' and it hurts.

YANBU! She sounds like a harpy.
Another vote here for first name or nana-ursula if pushed. I really feel for you, in a similar situation here where the evil manipulating bitch woman doesn't want dad to have much to do with us & if he does get permission to see us, most likely she's there, all over my kids like a fucking nasty rash. I make a point of using her name, she now signs their xmas cards evil harpy her name & his name, not grandad!!!

Sorry, off on one again!

You have my sympathy, it hurts.

I can't quite understand this, to be honest. My sister is not my father's daughter, doesn't stop her from calling him the German equivalent of "Dad" - didn't stop me from calling her paternal grandfather the German equivalent of Grandpa either.

Family is more than just a blood relation, and I think it's actually quite hurtful to both OP's father and his partner to insist that his partner is not part of the family - especially when the relationship actually has improved. I don't think OP's child calling her "Nanna" writes the dead grandmother out of history. It's just an extra grandmother.

YANBU

My nana's new husband (married before I was even born) was always Uncle D, even though he was closer to me than my real grandad.

YANBU

My mum's dad died before I was born and my nana's new dh was an utter wanker. We never called him grandad he was always referred to by his first name.

Your stepmother has behaved appallingly over this and your dad is being sadly gutless.

I really feel for you .

I agree widow, especially as the op wants to improve relations and for her ds to see them more, this is not going to help

Widow, your examples are people who have chosen those names quite happily with no conflict. Not the same thing at all.

The person who is being written out is OP's late mother. That is distressing for the OP. Given the sensitivity, you'd think if the OP's stepmother had any thought for other people at all she'd have discussed what she would be called with the OP, not just insisted on her choice.

I agree with the other posters who have suggested that you have to recognise that your ds is growing up into his own person who makes his own relationships with other people, and from your last post it seems as if you are also coming round to this view.

If she is "nana" to him it will be because she that is what she means to him. What she means to you may well be something different (which of course doesn't make it just as valid- for you).

He can't have your mother for a "nana" because death has robbed him of that. He can either have this "nana" or no "nana".

If he grows up disliking her in his own right that is a different matter, and it will be for him to decide whether he wants to think of her as "nana" or "evil witch".

My mother very much disliked her mother in law (with good reason) and was constantly asking me for support in her feelings. While outwardly living up to expectations, I resented this and still do.

Her problems were her problems: she had no right to lay them on me. My relationships with my grandparents were my relationships: she had no right to meddle with them. I could see perfectly well for myself that my grandma was an awkward old bat, but I am less sensitive towards awkward old bats than my mother was and I didn't see something involving my life should be judged by her levels of sensitivity rather than mine.

Incidentally, as my mother has grown older, she has started displaying behaviours which are oddly reminiscent of my grandma. Fortunately, dh is less sensitive than she was, so I don't have to comfort him after she's come out with some real gems. Dc still have to make their own minds up and again they don't seem that bothered.

Isn't Nana the dog in Mary Poppins? Can't you just imagine her as a st bernard with a frilly cap?

Life is too short. I know that you will have photos of your mum up and say 'there's grandma!'.

DH has always foungd Nan or Nana highly amusing. When he came over here he couldn't figure out why people were calling their grannies 'bread or bready'.

Your stepmum sounds like she would easily make your dads life a living hell over this.

Nana is just a sound. Tag her name onto the end and it may just as well be Mrs or Dr Jane.

You could try for elongating it to banana just to annoy her.

Don't let it get under your skin. She couldn't take your mums place and sure as hell can't take grandmas place.

My DC called my mother grandma, DHs mother grandma as she had little to do with them. My DGM was nanny.
My DMs husband is known as dickhead although he has been in my life since I was 4 we have never had a relationship. He has rarely spoken to me in 40+ years. even when we lived in the same house I referred to his DM as Mrs . She was lovely though.
I agree with posters who say refer to her as nana talk about your mother as grandma/nanny whatever your choice is and a couple of years down the line the DC will be calling her what they want.

Keep referring to her by name only. This is what we do with fil ow regardless of what she wanted. Older kids picked it up and have never referred to her as anything but her name. Littlest did call her nan once and it did make me shudder but I'm sure she'll follow suit with the others as they get older