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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To gnash my teeth, clench my buttocks and wince each time my son calls my stepmother 'nana'?

107 replies

BusyCee · 19/10/2013 13:12

So, I'll try to be brief. DF left my mother, sister and me when I was 3 for OW, who quickly became my stepmother. My relationship with her was always dreadful; I just don't think she liked me, and it really showed. I won't bore you with the details, but my self-esteem really suffered, as a result I behaved in a way that didn't make me happy during my 20s & early 30s, spent time taking anti-Ds and have spent a fortune on talking therapies of one type or another.

In the meantime, my mother (who did an amazing job bringing us up on her own, sacrificing lots and working bloody hard at home and work) dies suddenly of a brain haemorrhage 7 yrs ago

Since then my relationship with DF and stepmother improved;partly because I felt suddenly that life's too short to hold onto grudges and partly because, I think, they both retired and were overall more relaxed. Still found stepmother hard going (spiky, sharp, rude, defensive, self-righteous) but made the best of it.

5yrs after DM died my son was born. DF and stepmother assumed she would be 'Grandma'. Absolutely not appropriate for me in part because of the crap relationship with stepmother, but also because it sort of writes my mother out of history, and shows shocking lack of respect, IMO, from them for the job she did in bringing us up.

Wanted to address it the correct way, making sure they knew they were to be a big part of his life, and that my decision not a reflection on her, but directly related to my DM. So wrote a letter and has mugs made for them with their names on and footprints of DS1....all hell breaks lose. She storms into my house shouting the odds, DF goes into panic mode and effectively begs me to reconsider so as not to upset her. Ill abridge from here, but suffice to say it took about 18-24 months to get over it. With the end result that my DF press-ganged me into 'accepting' Nana, as a compromise.

The thing is, I don't think it's a compromise. It's from the same family or words that suggest to my son (and anyone else) that's she's my mother and has a genetic relationship to him. To anyone who knows the story it suggests that we're all happy family's (we're not, and definitely not with this rumbling on). And to me it feels a bit like I've betrayed my mother, and also my own principles. We don't see them very often, but are with them for the weekend now, and i had to say, for the first time, time today 'DS1, give it to Nana', and I honestly had a bit of a physical reaction to it - sort of disgust

So. After that essay. AIBU to hate it so much? And what the hell do I do about it, because its eating me up, affecting the (already not great) relationship with them and possibly starting to infect my son...

Tin hat on. Give it to me straight...

OP posts:
Driz · 19/10/2013 15:13

I think Beast has a good suggestion. Keep Grandma as the special name when referring to your mum.
I would only use her first name personally (and have done within my own family) but a compromise could be nana 'first name', also he will hear you calling her by her name and may even follow suit.

pigletmania · 19/10/2013 15:17

I agree Corey, op son is calling her stepmom Anna as that is what h wants to and what she means to him. Reserve granny and grandma for your mum, and Nanna for stepmum, that way teir is a difference.

pigletmania · 19/10/2013 15:18

Nanna doh

cantdoalgebra · 19/10/2013 16:04

My grandfather married again after the death of my grandmother. His second wife, let's call her Ann, was always referred to as Auntie Ann, as she wasn't our grandmother, and calling her just by her name would have seemed disrespectful.

Caitlin17 · 19/10/2013 16:13

What is disrespectful about calling her by her first name?

I am completely at a loss why this woman wants to be called the grandmother of a child of whom she is not the grandmother and did not have a parental role for the child's mother.

As aside, "Nana" is the dog in Peter Pan and I used to employ a "Nanny"

RaspberryRuffle · 19/10/2013 16:22

Just use her first name, I wouldn't call her 'Nana X' as that implies she is a mother figure to you. So you can tell DS 'We're going to visits Grandpa and Cruella (insert real name)'.
I agree it's not about genetics, it's about the relationship. My DNs call my grandmothers the same as we do (i.e. not getting too technical and calling them great-grandma). There is one step-gran who gets called her own name and is not offended by it at all - it's not disrespectful nowadays for young children to call adults by theri first names.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/10/2013 17:10

So this woman damaged you in childhood, and your father let it happen. Explain to me again why you want them not only to be in your life but the life of your precious son?

Kewcumber · 19/10/2013 17:17

What is her real relationship with your DS like? Does she behave like a grandmother? In which case I think you probably have to suck it up for your DS's sake.

If she doesn't really act as a grandmother then just call her Ursula at home and Nana in her hearing or even Nana Ursula. My DS has a "grandma Maureen" who isn;t his grandma at all but the grandma of his cousins. Works fine for us.

But no I don;t blame you one bit for clenching your buttocks one bit.

Beastofburden · 19/10/2013 17:21

busy I am sad that my father died when my Dc were so young, none of them has any memory of him. I try not to be jealous that my MIL and FIL lived so much longer, but it's hard.

The truth is, you have to work harder for your Dc to have a sense of a relationship with someone who has died. There's more to it than insisting on a specific name. I would focus on family traditions, if I were you. All those things you used to do with your mum as a child- do those with him. Make them his family tradition too, and make it clear that this came from your DM. As I did, doing electronics with DS, in memory of my dad who would have loved to do that. My DS is now a scientist and very clearly my fathers grandchild. He has no memory of my dad, but it is still comforting.

Trifle · 19/10/2013 17:30

I think your problem is referring to her as 'step mother'. You should have always called her by her Christian name or referred to her as your dad's partner. You had a mum and a dad so there was no need for her to be referred to as 'mother' in any way shape or form.

If I were you I would get your son to call her by her Christian name as I assume you do so he would call them grandpa and Mary (insert her proper name).

NUFC69 · 19/10/2013 17:31

My DM died when I was in my twenties and a year or so later my DF started seeing a lady friend (who we - DSis and I - did not care for). However, we were always polite to her. Fast forward several years and my DS was born. Now, never at any time did we refer to lady friend as anything other than Mrs. .....; however, when my DS started talking he just automatically referred to her as Grandma. My DH's DM had died when he was in his teens, so my DC did not have any "proper" grandmothers of their own. We decided to leave DS using the name Grandma, as we felt that he obviously felt the lack of a grandma when all his friends had one.

I appreciate that your situation is completely different, but you might want to bear this kind of thing in mind. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

pigletmania · 19/10/2013 17:39

Or Auntie Ursula, however I think it's up to ds how he wants be refer to,her. How od is your ds?

lottiegarbanzo · 19/10/2013 17:40

Another thought. If she and your DF were to separate, would she continue in the role of 'Nana' or would she drift away as the two of you found no further need to spend time together? Hypothetical but a thought experiment that might help establish whether she's really being a GP figure (permanence while living being a feature), or is only in your lives by association with your DF.

There were unmarried partners in my GPs generation, including my GF's 'girlfriend' of 20 years, after both spouses had died, who outlived my blood-relatives and we regarded like your 'Pearl'. That was built on our relationship with them, not just duty or obligation.

My own DF and SM separated for some years in my 20s and I realised that maintaining a relationship with her was a choice. (Took a while, it's amazingly easy to go along with patterns of behaviour as an adult we are conditioned into as children). My good relationship with her children made it a simple choice to keep seeing them all together but had it not been for them and, even as it was, I did make a choice to continue regarding her as part of my family, not as an undesirable element I'd tolerated but was glad of an excuse to be rid of.

Given what you've said about your SM, I wonder if I'd have made the other choice were I you - so whether you might if a future separation occured. Would she? Or would her genuine affection for your son override anything else? Or, is this all about status and ownership for her?

TheGhostofAmandaClarke · 19/10/2013 17:49

YANBU
They have bullied you into submission. Use her first name.

sashh · 19/10/2013 17:54

Just keep reminding your self it is the name of a dog in Peter Pan.

And that if it is said to rhyme with the end of banana then it is another word for fool.

giraffecrossing · 19/10/2013 17:58

My mother died when I was a child and my dad remarried 10 years later. I do not have the easiest of relationships with his wife and do not see her as a mother figure. However, I do hope she will prove to be a good grandmother to my son.
To be honest, she has so far proved to be a bit of a disappointment. I made a point of telling her she was going to be a grandmother, as I wanted her to feel included and I wanted to encourage the relationship from the start. She said "oh no, I don't want to be called grandma, just name will do" (in quite an abrupt way). It felt like a rejection, and lack of appreciation for my feelings re the fact that my own mother will never have that chance. She went by her name for nearly 2 years then decided that actually yes he can call her grandma. (I suspect my dad was behind the change of heart). She has never really made much effort with my son and is closer to her friends grand kids. That's actually quite hurtful and I wish my son (who is 4) had a grandmother who showed an interest in him. It actually makes me feel my mothers loss even more.
Try to encourage their relationship in its own right. It's a good thing for your child if she is interested. My son will notice his grandmothers indifference as he gets older and I feel for him.
I talk to my son about my mum. Having another grandma doesn't erase my mum. But the reality is he will never have a relationship with her.

Caitlin17 · 19/10/2013 18:07

Giraffe, why do you want someone who is not your son's grandmother and who you did not consider a mother figure to now act as a grandmother?

Her response," first name will do" seems sensible, honest and tactful given the relationship and history the two of you had. She's not your mother and neither of you acted as if she were.

UptheChimney · 19/10/2013 18:11

YANBU at all.

But then I find the term "Nana" sets my teeth on edge, even if it refers to a biological grandparent. It's a class thing, I suppose.

Original poster
BusyCee · 19/10/2013 18:28

Hi All - thanks for thought provoking feedback.

In answer to any Qs; DS1 is 3 andDS2 is 3months. If she and DF separated I don't believe we'd maintain contact because I really don't enjoy spending time with her. I don't think she spends enough time with us to have genuine affection for DCs

The reason we maintain contact with them at the moment is partly because my feelings about them have changed in the past and I'm conscious they may do so again, so I don't want to burn bridges (I have drastically reduced contact though). Secondly, between my DSis, D-step-sis's and I there are 11 'grandchildren', which is good fortune and fun for the DCs now and in the future.

Seems the consensus is that INBU to twitch about it, but that I can afford to step back and let the relationship develop on my DS's terms, keeping a watchful eye for any of the shenanigans experienced.

Thank you - I feel better and can now face this evening with a smile and a glass of wine and the knowledge that nana = hired help/Peter Pan....

OP posts:
giraffecrossing · 19/10/2013 18:37

Caitlin,
Part of the problem in the past has been her feeling upset that I didn't see her as a mother as she just wanted us to be "one big happy family". I was already an adult when they got together so just didn't see her that way, though I always made an effort to get along. I was trying to make her feel part of the family, which she said she wanted.
And anyway, for all intents and purposes she is his grandmother. Family is not just about biology. She is married to "grandpa", is around just as much as grandpa (or would be if she showed more interest). Look, it's not the name so much, I don't care what she's called, but as someone who is part of my family I expect her to treat my son with love. I guess I feel I handed her an olive branch and she didn't take it.
And I want it for my dad too. I know it makes him happy that I include her.
And the way she said she didn't want to be called grandma wasn't tactful. She can be quite cold and un

giraffecrossing · 19/10/2013 18:37

Caitlin,
Part of the problem in the past has been her feeling upset that I didn't see her as a mother as she just wanted us to be "one big happy family". I was already an adult when they got together so just didn't see her that way, though I always made an effort to get along. I was trying to make her feel part of the family, which she said she wanted.
And anyway, for all intents and purposes she is his grandmother. Family is not just about biology. She is married to "grandpa", is around just as much as grandpa (or would be if she showed more interest). Look, it's not the name so much, I don't care what she's called, but as someone who is part of my family I expect her to treat my son with love. I guess I feel I handed her an olive branch and she didn't take it.
And I want it for my dad too. I know it makes him happy that I include her.
And the way she said she didn't want to be called grandma wasn't tactful. She can be quite cold and unpleasant tbh.

giraffecrossing · 19/10/2013 18:40

Sorry OP, don't mean to derail the thread. Good luck with everything.

WidowWadman · 19/10/2013 18:44

" I don't think she spends enough time with us to have genuine affection for DCs"

If genuine affection depended on how much time was spent together, I'd have lost my family and my family would have lost me by moving abroad. It's never about the amount of time.

FreeWee · 19/10/2013 18:48

We call my step grand mother Aunty X. I didn't realise for ages she was an Aunty but married to my Grandpa. Wouldn't want to call her Granny/Grandma/Nanny because she's a witch as that would detract from my now dead Granny.

HorryIsUpduffed · 19/10/2013 18:51

I was probably seven or eight before I realised that Grandpa Name wasn't my dad's dad.

He has been my grandpa for all of my life. After his wife (my granny) died he didn't stop being my grandpa, and now he plays a great-grandpa role to my DC.

I grew up with five loving grandparents. It's what they do for the grandchildren, not the genetics, that matters.